My mum’s better at dating than I am
- Published
Her success at swiping right has made me realise I'm going about it all wrong
This Mother's Day, my mum and I are both looking for The One. I’m a seasoned ‘swiper’, while mum is a newbie. But she’s been single for two years now, and has decided she’s ready to get back out there.
And it turns out she’s better at it than me.
I’m used to my mates putting me to shame with their dating success, pinballing from one meet-up to another, while I’m sat on the sofa developing repetitive strain injury in my thumb. But nothing has fuelled my competitive spirit quite like seeing mum speed past me in the dating fast lane.
Mum opted for a popular website. I decided to follow her lead after being subjected to three distinctly unromantic Tinder hook-up offers in one week.
While online dating was originally seen as a young person’s game, research shows that it’s increasingly popular among the over 50s, external which may well tie into rising divorce rates, external among the older generations. In fact, one online dating company carried out research which suggested one in six over-50s, external in the UK have reportedly used online dating services to find love.
I used to think I was pretty clued-up on modern dating, offering mum advice on the minefield of likes, winks, and 'catching feels'. Now, just a few weeks in she’s a pro: dashing off for drinks with Adam one minute and cinema trips with David the next.
One dull January weekend, while I was pinging out messages into the dating abyss, Mum managed to schedule two dates: coffee with Alex, and cocktails with Colin. I’d spent years telling my family that online dating “is much harder than you think". Erm, apparently it’s not.
So what’s giving mum the upper hand? First off, her suitors really want female company – not just sex. They want someone to share romantic meals out and weekend trips abroad with - and they have healthy pensions that allow them to enjoy those things. Whereas my generation of Peter-Pans - who are struggling with the pressures of unreliable work, the cost of living, and an impossibly steep property ladder - can barely commit to a gin and tonic. In fact, dating can seem like just another, external added stress.
I often lose interest halfway through an online chat - either distracted by someone hotter sending me GIFs, or absent-mindedly scrolling through endless profiles of ex-Love Islanders on Instagram - only to remember three days later that I never did respond to 'Mark, 33. Looking for Amazon Prime and commitment'.
Mum’s generation also have far less pressure riding on their date nights. They’re not looking for the potential parent of their future (or current) kids – often, they’re not even looking for someone to live with. Plus there are some who are retired, which means they have more time for it all. They can easily put aside an afternoon for romantic strolls in the park and leisurely coffees.
Although it might be odd for some people to think of their parents trawling the same dating site as them, I’m actually thrilled that Mum is being proactive about it. We’ve always been close, and it’s nice to have an ally who understands what I’m going through. And it’s not like we’re browsing the same age group.
“I thought internet dating at my age was a mad idea at first,” Mum told me. “I had to plough through hundreds of mug shots before I found a few I liked, and they all wanted to meet up. In just a few weeks, I’ve had four dates, several messages, and haven’t been ‘ghosted’, as you call it, yet.”
She adds: “Men in my age bracket are often widowed or divorced and want a partner, as that’s what they’re used to. They don’t like living alone and looking after themselves. They’re craving company.’’
As for what she’s looking for, she told me: “The type of man I’m interested in has changed. In the past it was far more about going on gut instinct. Now I can pick and choose. I’ve decided that I like my men tall and hairy with similar interests to mine. Golf freaks are definitely out.”
Not only is mum better at getting dates than me, she’s also better at calling time on the bad ones. If the spark’s not there, then she’s straight on the phone post-date with a polite, 'It was lovely to meet you, but I didn’t feel a spark'. Quick and painless.
So what advice has mum got for me? Not placing too much importance on looks is her top tip. “It’s far more important to have shared interests. If you share nothing other than what’s between the sheets, it won’t last.” It’s a fair point.
My biggest takeaway from witnessing Mum’s dating success, though, has been her positive approach. It’s reminded me that there are good guys out there. Her post-date text messages have also been pure comedy: 'His photo was a few decades old'.
Nothing would make me happier than to see her find happiness again. And, of course, there would be bonus points if he has a single son.
This article was originally published on 13 February 2018.
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