Confessions of a football mascot
- Published
Fights, funerals, and giant furry heads: Lifting the lid on the lives of English football's mascots
The subculture of club mascots is one of the most bizarre - and cloistered - surrounding football in the UK.
Who are these people? What does it take to inhabit a mascot costume? How do they feel about being the only person in the team line-up during a solemn minute’s silence who happens to be dressed as a massive, fluffy alien?
We chatted to some of those who’ve dedicated a big part of their lives to living as guests in these giant, furry talismans. They shared with us some of the most bizarre, absurd, and, occasionally, violent anecdotes from their time on the sidelines of British football.
Here are their tales, in their own words.
"Gunnersaurus took out about three mourners with his massive head”
Dave, 34, from Manchester, was Manchester City’s Moonchester from 2000 to 2008. If you’re not familiar with Moonchester, it’s basically a massive, sky-blue alien.
One of the stories he told us was about the time he and a few of the mascots were asked to go, in costume, to the funeral of one of their peers.
"It was (the Southend mascot) Sammy the Shrimp’s funeral. He was a good mate and he wanted mascots at his funeral. We were more than happy to oblige. There was me, Gunnersaurus, Lenny (The Bradford City Gent), and some of the other guys.
“We led the coffin into the crematorium in costume and stood at the side during the service. The priest conducting the service said, 'Let’s just have a moment of reflection and bow our heads'. We all do.
"Gunnersaurus had, like, an eight-foot neck, though, and when he bowed, he took out about three mourners with his massive head. It was just the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“They played The Never Ending Story, external at the end of the service. By the end of it, the mascots were all doing air guitar in the crematorium.”
“She pulls down her top and there’s a tattoo of Moonchester on her breast”
Dave also told us a bit about the kind of adoration he gets from home fans too.
“I’ve had quite a few people show me tattoos. Big, scary skinheads would march over to you and go, ‘Oi, Moonchester!’ and then start showing me their arms.
“One fan called me over on the pitch. She says, ‘Moonchester, look what I’ve had done.' She pulled down her top and there was a tattoo of Moonchester on her breast. What do you do with that?!”
“I’m gonna punch your chuffing head in in the car park after the game”
This was one of the more colourful moments from Michael’s six-season tenure as Hartlepool United FC’s H’Angus The Monkey - who takes his name, of course, from a (disputed) story about the time the people of Hartlepool hanged a monkey during the Napoleonic Wars (1803-1815), apparently mistaking it for a French spy.
“I’ve been offered out for a fight a couple of times by players in opposition teams,” he told us.
“One of them actually ended up signing for us afterwards. In his statement on joining Pools, he said, ‘I’ve got to do a bit of making up with H’Angus.’”
More on that, then.
"For the past few years we’d been teetering on relegation, and this player's saying, ‘We’re gonna relegate yer, we’re gonna relegate yer.’ He was just going on and on and on, every time he was warming up. He started to p*** us off. And then he scored.
“We had a player sent off, and he’s getting louder, saying, ‘We’re definitely gonna relegate yers now.’ I gave him some stick and he said, ‘I tell you what it is - I’m gonna punch your chuffing head in in the car park after the game.'"
How did it end?
“When he came back the following season, he comes up to us and says, 'Was that you in the suit last year?’ I says, ‘Aye, it was.' He apologises and we were alright then.”
A previous inhabitant of Hartlepool’s famous H’Angus the Monkey costume was Stuart Drummond, who, famously, was elected mayor of Hartlepool three times, on a platform of “free bananas” for children.
Still, it was destiny for Michael to take on the mantle. “My mother’s maiden name is actually Angus,” he said.
Michael says that one of the most frustrating parts of his job is being occasionally flagged offside.
“It’s happened a couple of times! You’re a six-foot monkey, how are you interfering with play?!” he said. “There was one time I had to go and get changed and put my away shirt on because the linesman was getting confused.”
“I was punched in the head five times in a bar and I had to escape”
Glyn, a former ball boy, has been going to games as Scunthorpe United’s Scunny Bunny since 2012 (he was previously female mascot Hunny Bunny between 2010-2012). He knows only too well the occasionally violent dangers that can come with being a football mascot.
“There was one time when I was punched in the head five times in a bar and I had to escape,” he said. “Another time, in January last year, we played a certain team from London. Okay, it was Millwall. We do something called 'Pole to Goal': at half time, a fan comes up and spins around a pole five times. Then he tries to score past me.
“This certain fan, he was having a good time, he was enjoying himself. He’d had a couple of drinks. Anyway, he spun around the pole and then tried to dribble it past me. I narrowed the angle. He shot, I dived in full outfit and saved it. It went back to him, he shot again, and I saved it again.
“So, after that, he ran over and just grabbed hold of me and started wrestling me. He was quite a big lad. I was quite intimidated. In order to get him off me, I had to pick him up and throw him to the floor. As I did that, he ripped my head off. I turned to the home crowd and all the Scunthorpe fans were singing, ‘You’ll never beat the bunny.’
"I just start doing all of these Hulk Hogan-like moves, flexing my muscles."
“They were giving me gas and air, but I still had my mask on, so they had to give it to me under the helmet”
Chaddy the Owl in hospital
Wayne, 43, has been going to Oldham Athletic home and away as Chaddy the Owl since 2004 (with a brief hiatus for a couple of years after 2013).
It hasn’t always been smooth sailing.
"We were playing Carlisle away,” he said. “I was feeling a bit giddy. It was an away trip, so, you know how it is.
"I was walking towards our fans, and I’ve still not got a clue why, but there was a BMX at the side of the pitch up against the hoardings. I thought, 'I’ll have a go'.
“I went to pull a wheelie and my foot went down and I just felt this pain. I’d actually torn the ligament in my ankle. I had to be put onto a seat and then lifted into an ambulance to be driven to Carlisle Infirmary.
“They were giving me gas and air, but I still had my mask on, so they had to give it to me under the helmet. I couldn’t take it off – it would have spoiled everything for these little kids if they’d seen me without the mask on.”
Has he ever been in trouble?
“Yeah, there’s been a few incidents at Doncaster," he said. "I got a ban. I got accused of mooning their fans and inciting a riot. I’m not sure how you can moon someone when pulling your shorts down just means showing off Chaddy’s bum.
“The police really took offence though because their fans were kicking off and trying to get at me, so they escorted me out of the ground.”
When we asked these men why they do what they do, all, in various forms, gave pretty much the same reasons: loyalty to club, charitable duties, and, well, because it’s a laugh - even if it's not quite as cuddly an existence as the costumes might suggest.
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