The Six Nations of pop culture

We look at which of the six nations has made the biggest contribution to pop culture

Dust off your quilted jackets, inflatable leeks, and blue Braveheart facepaint - we're now knee-deep into the Six Nations. Rounds one and two have provided a lot of entertainment and the good news is there's plenty of action still to come with England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland*, France, and Italy rucking all over Europe over the next month or so.

The annual rugby union tournament provides both fantastic sporting spectacle and plenty of opportunity for a bit of good-natured international banter too.

For many, the Six Nations is a chance to settle ancient scores and revel in a bit of international rivalry.

And what better arena to defend a nation’s pride than in their contribution to modern popular culture? That’s why we’ve taken this year’s fixtures and put the countries head to head, in a totally non-scientific project to find out which of these six places has given us more than just tries, drop goals, and crushing tackles.

*Please note, Ireland are represented here by the four provinces of Ulster, Munster, Leinster and Connacht – as they are in rugby.

Disclaimer: if we were doing this properly, then we would probably take into account population and GDP, as it's a bit unfair to compare the cultural output of a country with three million people to one with 70 million. That sounded like quite a lot of work though.

Wales v Scotland

Wales’ back catalogue is surprisingly strong for such a small country, with a huge indie, rock, and psych contribution.

Chuck in big-lunged warblers Tom Jones, Charlotte Church (the woke classical singer for our times), Rhydian off of X Factor… and H from Steps - and they’ve got players across the board. 

Scotland has also produced some of Britain’s coolest indie acts of the last few decades.

Plus, they’ve given us a fine roster of reality pop breakthroughs, from Darius, to Leon Jackson, to SuBo. And what about Calvin Harris - the most Scottish-looking pop star of all time? Then there's The Proclaimers and '500 Miles' – a song that’s been played at every student disco ever held since its release in 1988.

Result: Draw

France v Ireland

During the sixties, Serge Gainsbourg defined louche, French pop and, in recent years, Daft Punk have been making songs that get stuck in your head for about a year.

On the other hand, the Irish rock game is strong – from U2 to The Pogues – and their boyband game is perhaps even stronger, with Boyzone and Westlife. We’ll ignore Jedward.

Result: Ireland win.

Italy v England

The Italians come in strong with big crooners like Pavarotti and Bartoli, but their impact on the world of Europop is fairly limited. Eiffel 65 anyone? Not to disparage Eiffel 65’s impact. Blue was a certified dance-floor filler at the school disco, circa 1995.

Meanwhile, England’s CV in this area is exhaustive. Without even getting into the sixties explosion of rock and pop, or even punk, or goth or Britpop, or even grime, let’s just say one name and we’ll leave it at that. Adele. Nuff said.

Result: A resounding win for England.

Ireland v Italy

Ireland’s political, religious and cultural landscape has proved a rich vein for films like In The Name of The Father, Bloody Sunday and Calvary etc, and the Irish influence can also be felt in pretty much every New York film that involves a cop.

On the other hand, 1948 Italian film Bicycle Thieves is widely considered one of the best ever made and the Italians also have a fine tradition in classic seventies horror. And that's before we've even mentioned Sergio Leone.

The Italian influence can also be felt in pretty much every New York film that involves a gangster. National stereotypes abide. 

Result: Italy win.

England v Wales

England’s film-director game is strong, thanks to the likes of Ridley Scott, Shane Meadows, Danny Boyle and Guy Ritchie.

Richard Curtis has also helped market posh, English, social anxiety to the world. Then there’s the big franchises – your Harry Potters, your Lord Of The Ringses, your James Bonds.

Though Wales has put out some solid indie cinema too, with the likes of Submarine and Twin Town, this is a rout.

Result: A comfortable win for England.

Scotland v France

Trainspotting was era-defining and gritty, realist dramas like Sweet Sixteen have also made play with the urban landscape north of the border, The Wicker Man remains a British horror classic, and Braveheart made big, Scottish men cry for about 10 years. But then, Trainspotting 2.

None of that can really compete, however, with the art house juggernaut that is the French cinema machine. You know the big hitters – Amelie, La Haine, Ratatouille… how long have you got?

Wins: France win.

France v Italy

A clash of titans, this. On one side of the field you’ve got yer 20th-century existentialists - Sartre, Camus, de Beauvoir. Facing them, you’ve got yer Renaissance poets like Dante, yer postmodernists like Italo Calvino and yer... writers of semiotic mysteries. AKA Umberto Eco.

Wow.

Result: France win, just.

Ireland v Wales

The Irish field a pretty strong side in this contest, with big hits coming from Oscar Wilde, Iris Murdoch, James Joyce, WB Yeats, Seamus Heaney and Samuel Beckett.

Probably too much power then for even a Welsh squad that includes the artistry of Dylan Thomas, Bertrand Russell and the man who made children’s fiction lit, Roald Dahl.

Result: A win for Ireland.

Scotland v England

Scotland also has its fair share of literary giants, from Robert Burns, right through to Alasdair Grey and Irvine Welsh. They also do crime fiction very well, with Val McDermid and Ian Rankin keeping airport stationery chains stocked for the past three decades or so. 

However, you’re going to come unstuck against an England team packing the likes of Shakespeare, Milton, the Brontes, Austen, Dickens, Orwell, Woolf and Tolkien.

Result: England boss it.

Ireland v Scotland

Cult comedy-come-cultural-touchstone Father Ted leads the line for Ireland, with Mrs Brown’s Boys continuing its monopoly over the ‘comedy for your nan’ market. Psychological thriller The Fall lends a touch of the macabre.

If you want a dark crime drama though, you can’t beat Taggart. Add to that some broad, observational bants courtesy of Still Game and a bit of gentle, anaesthetizing rural soap opera in Take The High Road. Limmy’s Show is your wildcard here.

Result: Ireland steals it.

France v England

France are the purveyors of super-realist noir BBC Four fodder crime serials here, with notable mentions to Spiral and Braque. High-brow, the thinker’s choice.

Meanwhile, the English are the masters of the Britcom and, after a period of relative obscurity, the English are beginning to stake their claim in the drama world again with stuff like Peaky Blinders and Line Of Duty. They’ve also got a monopoly of the 9pm reality slot, with Big Brother, TOWIE, MIC and, of course, Love Island. Plus, you can’t really overstate the cultural impact on the world of Ken Barlow and Dot Cotton.

Result: Big win for England, this one.

Wales v Italy

Like the French, Wales also do well at serving that bleak crime-fiction-loving BBC Four audience. In a word: Hinterland. 

They’re also the nation that brought us 50% of our beloved Gavin and Stacey and, of course, Valley Cops – the most extraordinary social study of our times. Ok, we’re a bit biased.

Meanwhile, okay, we’ll admit it, we don’t know much Italian telly, but doesn’t that tell its own story? Apparently, they were the first to do that ‘Bring On The Wall’ show, before the Brits bought it and stuck Dale Winton on the front of it. 

Result: A win for Wales

Italy v Scotland

We probably don’t need to go into Italy’s credentials in this round. They invented food. They certainly invented comfort food. They’re a very, very strong outfit.

But then the Scottish turned up and raised the freakin' stakes. We see your pizza, Italy, and we’re raising you a pizza crunch, ie a pizza deep-fried in batter. Game over.

Result: Shock victory for Scotland

England v Ireland

Battle of the stodge this one: Full English v Irish Fry. It’s an unbelievably close one to call – not much to choose between them. 

Having said that, they offer you loads and loads of cakes and biscuits every time you have a brew in Ireland and, for that alone, they take it. Just.

Result: Ireland edge it

Wales v France

Wales’ big offering here, ‘Welsh rarebit’, which is, essentially, posh cheese on toast, can’t really stand up to the pressure from the home of haute cuisine. It’s a total mismatch.

Result: Wales get pumped

Well, what’s the final score. Let’s see:

So, there we go. Hey, that doesn’t looks so unrealistic – everyone’s joint favourites, England and Ireland for the actual Six Nations are tied at the top. We didn’t bother with that new scoring system that takes number of tries into account, because, to be honest, this whole analogy has gone far enough, hasn’t it? 

So, in conclusion, I think we can all agree that how good you are at rugby is in no way directly correlated to how influential I’ve deemed your nation’s contribution to popular culture. In fact, we haven't really proved anything have we? Hopefully it was fun though.

Sorry for any lazy national stereotypes. Enjoy the rugby.

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Originally published 2 February 2018.