By Stuart Green BBC News Online's newest father

Posh and Becks seem to think nothing of saddling their offspring with odd monikers, but my partner and I have been struggling for months to decide on a suitably dignified name for our firstborn. And I thought my girlfriend and I had discussed every possible name for our first child. How can we have neglected to consider bringing a Romeo Green into the world?

Papa, Romeo, Bravo?

As Mel's bump grew, so did the list of names we pondered, argued over and discarded as being utterly horrid.

Rather than picking the names we might like to give our child, we soon began reeling off all the ones we would rather die than inflict on our offspring.

It is not just the fear of the poor child being mocked in the playground because of a ridiculous title - children named Romeo could end up being lynched around our way.

Tempting fate

Other names carry with them the risk of tempting fate. A sweet girl called Joy could turn out a to be a manic depressive, just as Verity may grow up to be the female equivalent of Jeffrey Archer. Aristotle is bound to be an absolute dunce, and pity the hulking 6 foot 4 inch shot-putter of a girl who answers to the name of Grace.

"Don't call me Grace"

Name books offer some help, but it's often a case of not being able to see the wood for the trees.

Many options given are just alternative spellings of other names, which would condemn your child to a dire future of correcting people's mispronunciations: "It's S-a-r-r-a-h, actually."

Some names in these books, frankly, I'm sure don't exist - although parents with children named Xylophila, Xylon and Kestrel will beg to differ.

Genghis Green?

Friends' suggestion have been more of a hindrance than a help. Every one of my many conversations on the topic has started sensibly enough, but soon gone awry.

"This town's not big enough for two Hollys, kid"

They begin with "call it Oliver" and "how about Daisy?", but quickly degenerate to "Wood Green, no, Gretna Green". These chats invariably conclude with: "Osama, Osama Green... or Adolf."

It's not just names of mass killers that have been eliminated. Every ordinary name we come across seems to have some kind of negative association too. "Oh no, I went to school with a boy called that and he smelled of wee."

Jasmine was ruled out because it was the name given to a family hamster which was tragically squashed between a bed and a wall; Holly because she is not a child but a boisterous Alsatian.

Brit-kneeee!

It was at this point that I gave thanks (for the first time in my life) that neither I nor Mel had been brought up on a farm.

The importance of not being called Ernie

Tracy, Kylie and Britney are dismissed out of pure snobbery, and that snobbery was inverted to exclude bourgeois names such as Tarquin, Hugh, Sebastian, Henrietta and Fleur.

Even naming the baby after my personal heroes doesn't necessarily work: Ernest will spark off memories of a famous Noble Prize winning novelist but could also start people singing about the fastest milkman in the west.

Despite the birth of an eight pound five ounce daughter, Mel and Stuart still haven't decided on her name.

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Have you had difficulty naming a child? Send your comments (but please, no suggestions for Mel and Stuart) using the form below.

When I was heavily pregnant and we were still deciding on potential names, someone suggested shouting the name as this is what you will end up doing when they are 2+. If the name is not easily shouted or sounds weird, don't got for it. We opted for Harriet and added two middle names to give her a choice.
Fiona Jordan, UK

Just honour a friend or relative by naming your child after them - then at least the child can see a connection of relationships around them.
Nigel K Brazier, Greece

It took us the full 6 weeks to decide on a name for our daughter, which seemed to horrify most of our family and friends, but it's such a responsibility! We settled on Isabel, which wasn't on any favourites list, but it suits her. What better reason to choose a name?
Kate Mann, England

What did you first think of? It's probably the best one.
Philip Hare, England

Choose a traditional name which never goes out of fashion but more importantly never BECOMES fashionable. Like many 60s children I have suffered with being named after Gary Cooper. Thanks Dad. We went for Alexander (after the king) as well as two middle names after his great great granddad. Can't really go wrong there. Unlike my brother who in a quest for a name that no other child would have has lumbered his son with MERLIN.
Gazza, London, England

Make sure the poor kid can pronounce it. We named our duaghter Katya which seemed a great idea at the time. Sadly she just can't get her toungue around it and calls herself Catcher and her American chums call her Kartyer.
Carolyn, US

Before our son was born a friend suggested that we should test all possible names in two different sentences. They should both be suitable in "???, it's dinner time!" and "???, I love you". We did that and named our son Gustav.
Lena Johansson, Sweden

Inspired by the awful names (and worse spellings) found in our local paper, my better half and I enjoy conjuring up nightmare names for unsuspecting children - Amnesia, Verbosity, Yaxley (a small town in Cambridgeshire), Versatility, Chlamydia, Bonanza. Whatever else you do, please don't misspell your child's name - Zhoey, Belindah, etc.
Jo, UK

As a Dane living in the UK, my son had to have a name that would work in both languages and be pronounced the same way too. Only name on offer was Oliver. My son's dad (who is English) knew somebody called Oliver he didn't like - so out went that name. So now he is Jeppe, with a (back-up) middle name of Nicholas. Give your children a choice by supplying at least one middle name.
Stephanie, UK

My mother wanted a name that couldn't be shortened - so I was named Lynn. Apart from the fact that she then spent the first 10 years of my life calling me Lynnee, I have spent the vast majority of the years explaining the spelling. It sounds so simple, but is it Lyn, Lynn, Lynne, Lin, Linn or even Lyne?
L T Billings, UK

I notice in today's births column in the Daily Telegraph - "Brittany Agincourt Calais, a sister for Hadrian and Blaec". Are they doing a Beckham and naming the child after where she was conceived? It must have been a lively holiday in France. And Hadrian? Obviously got a bit amorous at his wall.
Claire Powell, Belgium

Start by looking at a recent list of popular names - and scrap the lot. I cannot think of anything worse than being one of the dozens of kids called Jack at your school. Go with something unique and personal. One of my daughters is Kira, after a Star Trek character. If I have a boy he will be Charles George (for Charlie George, the great Arsenal player)
Jon Roberts, UK

The problem is ten times worse when your partner is from a different country or culture. Our first child is due in February, and I confidently expect that we'll have settled on a name which is acceptable on both sides of the equator some time before its 18th birthday.
Andy, UK

Friends (surname Smith) were going to name their first daughter Amber Rose, until someone pointed out what her initials would be.
Rob Cruickshank, UK

The most helpful comment we found when choosing names for our sons was to think how they might sound in different work and social situations. Mike for a mechanic and Sir Michael for a captain of industry both sound equally plausible, but a mechanic called Tarquin or a stockbroker called Romeo (in England, anyway) sound somewhat less credible.
Guy Chapman, UK

With my wife now six months pregnant, we are finding choosing a name impossible. Unique, yet not hysterical. Different, yet easily pronounced. Apt, without being ridiculous. And regardless of what is decided upon, little Doreen or Herbert will never forgive us when they're older anyway.
Lawrence, UK

We too had a book of names and were tempted to call our daughter Gobnait Xenobia Stepaenie, which, shortened would have made her Gobby Nobby Stiffy Richards. We settled for Rosemary.
Jane Richards, England

A colleague's wife recently bore a beautiful son, but not before our team had consulted a names website. Eventually, my friend's wife overruled our thinking, but little Oliver will always be Horatio Stosh to me.
Stu, UK

My husband and I seem to constantly debate as to what to name our child. He is from another country from myself, and for some reason is hell-bent on the name Sid Snot (regardless of the sex). Also, my mother works for the Department of Motor Vehicles and sees other poor recipients come across her screen, including Christmas Hamm, Glorious Love and the infamous Dick Harry Ballsley.
Laura Tremain-Forbes, USA/New Zealand

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