A sad farewell to some of the 45,000 British troops in the Gulf

For army wife Deborah Cubbin, the war is closer to home than for most Britons. Faced with her own concerns and two anxious children, she's trying to set up a support group for those left behind on her base.

My husband Peter left for Kuwait in late January. This is the first time we've been apart because of a war. While we've been able to keep in touch for much of his time in the desert, that all stopped when he moved to the frontline this week.

I don't expect to hear from him again until the war is over. Obviously I worry, but I hang on to the fact that he is trained to the highest standard and will come home safe and well.

But for our children - Harry who's eight and three-year-old Eloise - nightmares have become much more common now Daddy's away; on average, I have one little body climbing into bed with me three times a week.

Harry became very concerned about the children in Iraq after seeing the US bombers on TV Click here for tips on how to talk to children about war

I'd expected questions from Harry but what I didn't expect was for him to get so anxious. The only way I can describe it is that he has a large ball of anger in his tummy which erupts every now and again. It's not because his Daddy's a soldier; it's more that his Daddy's away from him.

My initial reaction as a mother is to hide my feelings and concentrate on keeping my children as happy as possible. But I've learned that it's important for Harry to see my reactions, and at times we've had a cry together and talked about how much we miss Daddy.

Even children's news banned

We've now got a complete news ban in the house because even Newsround upsets him terribly. He saw a bulletin on Monday unbeknownst to me and came into the kitchen to tell me that the soldiers had had to give up their letters and get rid of their photographs before going to war.

Mementos which might identify soldiers have had to be given up

Now the last thing we did before Peter left was to hide photos in his bergen [knapsack] for him to find when he got out there, so it was terribly upsetting for Harry to think that his Daddy wouldn't have his photo.

Before I became as stringent in policing what he was watching, he got very frightened about what might happen, especially when the US bombers arrived in the UK last month.

He thought at first that they were here to bomb us, so I explained that they'd be used in Iraq. He then became very concerned about the children there, so I said the idea was to bomb buildings where Saddam might have weapons. Then he got very, very agitated about his Daddy - how would the bombers know his Daddy wasn't there? So I went through the procedure of what happens to allay his fears.

Eloise is outwardly coping with it much better. But every night before she goes to bed she asks if Daddy will be home tomorrow - when I say no, she asks if he'll be home by Sunday, as Sunday for her is a long time away.

Moral support

All of us on the base in Brawdy, Wales - some 300 families - knew what we were marrying into but the mixed emotions of our children has caught us on the hop.

No-one is being left to cope alone

So I'm trying to organise a support group on dealing with our children's reactions and how to cope on our own. But it's not been easy - a lot of groups have shied away from helping us because we're not normal one-parent families with the usual problems.

We've become a surrogate extended family and we care for each other; on Wednesday one of the mums dislocated her knee so I picked her children up from school. We've got some fun things planned too, like a Mother's Day lunch with entertainers and workshops. We've asked our local supermarkets to donate flowers so each mum can get a present.

To make sure no-one's left out, like those who work full-time, we've got street representatives who once a week visit each house to ask how they're doing. For it would be awful if someone was struggling and no-one was there to help.

Send us your comments:

This is the best idea I've heard in ages. My Dad is in Kuwait and my Mum is now having to cope with two teenagers, one is extremely worried about the war and the other is trying hard not to show how worried she is. We have hardly any support from the camp we live on and people outside military life either don't understand or just don't care.
Fiona, UK

To reassure Deborah, my father was a soldier and I used to get very anxious when he was sent on active service (usually N Ireland). The main impact on me was nervous facial twitches. Although it was difficult, I came through it OK with no long term effects. I hope Harry and others like him will also be OK and that our service men and women come home as soon and as safely as possible.
Andy, UK

As an ex-soldier, army wife and mother of an "army brat" I understand exactly what these families are going through. My last separation was during the Falklands conflict. However, there is support on the bases from staff, SSAFA and other wives. My thoughts are with you and yours at this time - I hope they all come home safely to you and us.
Isabelle, England

I too was an "army brat" and that I can empathise becuase the last Gulf War was just awful at the time, but we got through it. Encourage your kids to write lots of blueys [letters on special airmail paper] to their Dad - even if they don't get through straight away, he will love them when he gets them and they will help your kids feel like they're still in touch.
Claire, UK

I have a daughter and a son in the Marines and the medical corp out there, so I know the worry that Deborah is feeling. My husband in particular has hardly slept since they were posted to Camp Coyote in January. He sends them e-blueys every day. And I remember only too well the extreme worry I had myself when my husband was doing his six months in Ireland in 1965 and lost a leg there. These are very worrying times for the families and my heart goes out to them.
Helen Parkinson, UK

I am an ex-RSM's wife whom husband was one of those that went away to war for months on end to the Gulf the first time round. Please do not forget about the girlfriends of all the soldiers who are not stationed together. I made myself the co-ordinator of looking after these people, to inform them of what's going on and inviting them to to our homes when things took place.
Denise Barrett, Lincolnshire

I have a close relative whose husband is away at the moment working for the media. This is the third time he has been away since September 2002 to either Afghanistan, Kuwait or Iraq. With two children it has been a difficult time for all of them.
Simon, UK

There are also female soldiers in Iraq and a lot of them are mothers. Nobody seems to acknowledge that we have left our husbands and children at home - it's not just forces wives who are hard done by.
Carolann McCrimmon, England (Plymouth)

As a mum of a serving solider, it's difficult not to worry. My son is 19 and very much his own man, but he will always be my son. You spend all your life protecting them from harm, and in situations like this you feel so helpless. My husband is also a serving solider, but is currently at home covering the fire strikes. I don't know if or when he may be posted to the Gulf.
Maxine, UK

No matter what we think about the rights and wrongs of this war, I'm sure I speak for many thousands of people who back our servicemen and women 100%. I wish them a safe and speedy return and the thoughts of both them and their families are with me daily.
Annette Cooper, UK

My husband left the Army 5 years ago, and has been in the TA since. He was sent to the Gulf in February, and at home is me and my son, aged 4 - also very concerned. As my husband is no longer in the Army, we live in our own house, so we are all alone, as there is no staff or other wives to pull together with. We have been offered no support at all, not even a phone call from a so called "welfare officer". I wish I knew the other wives so that I could start something up for us all, but I have no way of getting any information.
Wendy Bird, England

I'm the wife of an ex-soldier. Our children & I have endured many separations. The best thing that helped me was to write a letter every night, no matter how mundane the news & put it in the post the next morning. The children often put drawings & notes in as well. It became a very comforting ritual to visit the post office every day. Please remember there are many, many people around the world who have had to do what you are doing - you are not alone.
Amanda, USA

I'm ex-RAF so I can imagine what you're all going through. Have those left behind thought about setting up a chat forum on any of the internet portals? You can advertise this in your station magazine then you all can get together for chat and comfort each other.
Sunjay Bhogal, London

It is really difficult for the loved ones of any serviceman or woman, as other people don't seem to understand that whilst the soldier has chosen this profession, the enforced separation for those left behind can be very difficult.
Harri, England

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