By Megan Lane
BBC News Online |
 Children have joined calls for peace |
Children are more worried about war than anything else - and it keeps some of them awake at night. What is the best way to talk to a child rattled by threats of war and talk of terror attacks? It is the stuff of nightmares - bombs and poison gases, evil empires and elusive terrorists. And it is what dominates the news each and every day as we edge ever closer to war with Saddam Hussein.
Just as many adults are anxious, angry or downright afraid about what might happen - even to the point of stockpiling emergency supplies - children are worried and uneasy.
Six out of 10 children in the UK are more afraid about war than any other issue, according to a CBBC Newsround survey - a marked contrast to last year's figures, when bullying topped their list of concerns.
CHILDREN'S VOICES  All I'm scared of is us being evacuated - I would never forgive myself for leaving my family. Also what if we get killed?  |
Research released in October found that while nightmares are no more common in these uncertain times, children's bad dreams are now more often about news stories than scary monsters. Charlie Lewis, of Lancaster University, says parents concerned about how their child is reacting to current events should take the lead from their child. For each will react differently, depending on their age, their awareness of events, and whether someone close to them will be involved in any conflict.
"Ask what it is that they're worried about, what it is that they feel. If they are preoccupied with it and you miss that, it can exacerbate their fears."
He suggests that parents watch the news with their child - a special Newsround bulletin will screen at 8am each day on BBC Two should a conflict start - and ask how it makes them feel.
"Fill in the gaps of what they might have picked up from a tabloid headline here, a news bulletin there, but don't bombard them with gory details. Think of it as a bit like sex education - you don't make a six-year-old learn everything, you'd just tell them what they want to know."
 A bedtime book may ease nerves |
And if a child is having nightmares about death and destruction, steer them away from computer games with a high body count, and try to watch the news after they've gone to bed. "You could read them a book at bedtime to counteract the news stories, to calm them down a bit." It's also important to explain that military action against Iraq will happen a long way away, says Ruth Cobbard, a child psychologist with an NHS Trust. "Young children have little concept of distance, and may not grasp that Iraq is much further away than the next town."
TIPS FOR KIDS If you hear of a nasty story, check the facts - it may be untrue or exaggerated Events are in the news because they don't happen very often Discuss your fears with friends - you'll be reassured that you're not the only one worried |
She, too, stresses the importance of asking your child what it is that worries them, and addressing those concerns. "You might be worried that America is bent on world domination; your child might be concerned about their pet hamster's safety." With teenagers, try to be as honest as possible - not only will they feel patronised if you try to soft-pedal on the subject of war, the truth is actually far easier to tell, Ms Cobbard says.
"Nobody really knows what's going to happen, so talk about that. Give your own opinion of the war, but then say that there are other views."
You may even find the conversation comforting yourself.
Send us your comments:
I teach at secondary school, and ways to cope there range from boisterous horsing around (bin Laden jokes spring to mind) to wild exaggeration of some imagined holocaust. It's an immature response but also a natural one, so adults need to be aware of it and not reproach youngsters without thinking. Some kids seem to be upset not for themselves for the people over there... So it's not just a case of reassuring them how far away the conflict is, and how safe they themselves are. Maybe a way to get round this is to organise some kind of charity work with them to raise money for international aid.
Richard West-Soley, UK
As the mother of 3 young children whose father is a serving soldier in the Gulf, I try to find a medium with them. I don't let them watch the news or read the tabloid headlines, some of which worry even me! I do however try to explain as simply as I can that their father (a medic) hasn't gone to kill anyone and that hopefully he will be home soon. His having served in the first Gulf conflict, Kosovo, Sierra Leone, N Ireland and Rwanda puts me in good stead to explain my worries too, and it seems to work. I don't lie to them but I do reassure them at every opportunity. At the end of the day, it is his job, and as such he has a duty to his country.
C Todd, UK
If children in the UK are already so worried about war, I wonder how many times worse do the innocent children from Iraq feel - and how much they have already gone through in the past years.
Carolyn, UK
My 11-year-old daughter is very much involved, her father being Iraqi. Being familiar for years with the difficulties her aunts, uncles and cousins have to live with (one cousin died because of lack of medical care; lack of school material, food, etc), she knows they are in great danger. When we hang up the phone having talked to them, we realise it might very well have been the last time we talk to them. The best thing to do with children is to be honest. She joined us twice when my husband and I rallied against war. It helped build her confidence because she feels she does have a say in it and that her opinion does matter. This way she is better armed to manage her fears.
A van Damme, Belgium
I'm 14 and I still have the images of the World Trade Center attack stuck in my mind. It is very worrying. The tanks outside Heathrow last month aren't going to reassure me when I go on a plane this year. My last flight was in January, and I kept thinking that my plane might get hijacked or shot down. I'm very worried and anxious of what might happen next. The war against Iraq is on the news everyday, so it's obviously very concerning and worrying for anyone, including someone my age.
James, UK
I do not feel that "teaching" any particular side to this situation can be helpful. The only solution can be to explain why people on different sides feel the way they do, while emphasising that things are rarely black and white. This is the best way to ensure our children grow up with a questioning and broad-minded approach to life. As for reassurance, well, it all depends on how early we think our children should be made aware of certain depressing realities.
CH Wyllie, Scotland
My six-year-old son is concerned about being evacuated and it's really hard to reassure him that that won't happen. I try to steer clear of watching the news while he's around and he has a very settled bedtime routine, which involves a story. He picks things up from school, though, no matter how I try to shield him from the worst of it.
Sara Clark, UK
My daughter-in law is finding it difficult to explain matters to her two eldest children aged 10 and 8 who are having problems coping with the fact that their father - my son - is in the army in Kuwait. How does she cope with that?
Jon Bennett, England
Whatever you do, please don't deny your own fears and don't give false reassurances. That's what my mother did in WWII, and it caused me more damage than she ever realised. I was five during the Blitz, and I wasn't allowed to feel my fear fully because adults kept a stiff upper lip. Since we pick up on others' hidden feelings (children are especially good at this), it created a dissonance within me which has left scars to this day. If ONLY they had been able to say "Yes, I'm scared too - let's stay close together and hope it all ends soon". That would have been much more reassuring than "Oh don't worry, the Germans won't bomb our house."
Marian McCain, England
My two boys are 10 & 7 and are asking mostly about an attack on their hometown (30 miles outside London). It's hard trying to put the facts into their language so that they understand what it's all about. My youngest says "why don't the leaders fight it out against each other instead of killing innocent children?" My eldest says "how can anyone do such horrible things to another person?" - that is the hardest question to answer. I tell them I honestly don't know why people do these terrible things, but one day I hope that we can all live in a world without conflict.
Ian Robson, UK
If they are old enough - like my 14-year-old - then they can be taught that by appeasing dictators in the 1930s we then had to face a life and death struggle for survival, and that a war with Iraq is essential to stop the possibility of that happening again.
Ian Lauder, UK
My little girl (7) reads newspaper headlines and I don't imagine that she takes much in. I was a little unnerved when she asked about recent headlines quoting we are 10 days from a war - she was a little frightened at its inevitability. I wanted to tell her that the war is far removed from us (although I work in the City of London, and my wife worries about terror attacks). I also wanted to tell her that war isn't inevitable, but how true is that? It makes me very sad that my 7-year old is beginning to come to terms with the fact that the world is not always a nice place. I try to comfort her with the idea that as a nation we do the right thing, however bad the action may seem. But I get depressed about the morality of this myself and I don't want to lie to my children.
John Bidwell, UK
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