 Hope's jokes have been the cornerstone of his showbiz act |
Bob Hope was regarded by fans and peers alike as a master of the stand-up gag. From a wide repertoire, here is a small selection of his wit and wisdom:On childhood: I left England at the age of four when I found out I couldn't be king. It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy. Growing up: We were kind of poor and my mother hated to spend a nickel on herself, so she bought most of her things in an army-surplus store. She was the only woman in Cleveland wearing khaki lipstick. Our neighbourhood was tough. We had the typical gang. You know, Shorty, Fatso, Skinny, Stinky. Then there were the boys. A rather chubby lady walked by and the panhandler went into his pitch and he said, "Ma'am I haven't eaten in three days". She said, "Gee I sure wish I had your willpower".  Hope honed his joke-writing craft for BBC shows in the 1940s and 50s |
I was well on my way to being a juvenile delinquent. When I was 16, I had more hubcaps than General Motors. On getting older: It feels great to be nearly 100. I mean, for those parts of me that still have feeling. I do the same things I did when I was 50. I just take a nap after each one now. I used to keep my birthday a secret but I decided to stop. I wasn't getting any presents I'm never going to retire. I intend to be cracking jokes on my way to the grave. I consider myself very fortunate. I owe everything to my family and my make-up man. My wonderful family keeps me going and my wonderful make-up man keeps me from looking like I already went. On his stagecraft: Those were really tough times. I wouldn't have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the audience throwing stuff at me. On his films: I would have won the Academy Award if not for one thing - my pictures. Oscar night at my house is called Passover. I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: "That never stopped you before". On Vietnam: The Vietnam War finally ended in an agreement neither side intended to honour. It was like one of Zsa Zsa Gabor's weddings. As soon as I arrived in camp they gave me a 10-gun salute - or so they told me on the operating table.  Some of Hope's most famous stand-up routines were in Vietnam |
On US politics: Unless the boys in Washington do something about inflation fast, the odds are 2-1 that five will get you two. The dollar's been stretched so far, George Washington now has a space between his teeth. On American life: Two people just split $39m in the California lottery... Can you imagine winning $39m? I break out in a rash when I win a free Egg McMuffin at McDonald's. Where else but in America could the Women's Liberation Movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support? We never buy live turkeys at our house any more. One year I brought one home. The kids fell in love with it and I ended up putting it through Harvard. On showbiz colleagues: When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in. In my lifetime I saw the Berlin Wall come and I saw it go. George Burns can say the same thing about the Ice Age. (Burns died aged 100 in 1996.) The Crickets, the Beatles ... at least it answers the question where our new talent is coming from ... under the kitchen sink. Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private.
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Hope in his own words
