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HEALTH FAMILY PROBLEMS RELATIONSHIPS EDUCATION & CAREER Dear Ola, My problem is that for the past six years I seem to have lost all self-confidence - I'm not sure why. I feel uneasy around people and, I'm afraid to keep on going to the same places or to see the same set of people again and again because I just don't know how to communicate with them. When I'm invited to parties and social gatherings I rarely make eye contact or speak to anyone as I don't feel as though I have anything to offer. I usually make my excuses and leave early. I've not had a girlfriend for years and I find it hard to make new friends. I no longer feel in control of my life....please can you advise me? Paul Ngooi, Germany. Advice : Tricia Kreitman, Counsellor. *It sounds like Paul is developing a bit of a social phobia, he is acutely self-conscious and seems to have a fear of inter-acting with people. This has been going on for the last six years which is a bit worrying because it could be a sign of serious depression. *This sounds a bit cruel but being self-conscious means you are obsessing about your own thoughts and your own appearance rather than focusing on other people. To get over this he needs to put the following tips into practise and he can do this with anyone from people in the grocery, to those waiting in bus queues. 1. Before you start a conversation you are going to start to feel jittery and nervous, that's the effect of the adrenaline rushing around in your bloodstream caused by fear, but you can use it to help you focus. Take three or four slow deep breaths and concentrate on breathing out fully exhaling, saying to yourself, “ I can do this”, “I can do this”, that will make you feel better. 2. Next time you greet someone whether it is somebody you already know or somebody brand new it is important to look them in the eyes - now that's scary but you can use a cheat here - you look them in the eyes and you concentrate on seeing what colour their eyes are this gives you the appearance of looking at them very sincerely but actually it gives you a shield to hide behind...so collect eye colours 3. Always start a conversation with an open ended question, say something like, “what do you think the chances are of the weather staying like this?”. This will start up the conversation, you'll feel more at ease and then you can move onto more personal things like, “do you have a family, and where do you come from?” You'll soon start to feel more confident with people. 4. Most importantly Paul must never give up, he has got to make himself try. The What's the Problem? website is providing general information only. It should not be treated as a substitute for the medical advice of your own doctor or any other health care professional. The BBC is not responsible or liable for any diagnosis made by a user based on the content of the What's the Problem? website. Always consult your own GP if you're in any way concerned about your health.		FURTHER INFORMATION   Causes of depression: It often runs in families, suggesting a genetic component, but it may be triggered by stressful events Major Depressive illness is usually linked to some form of chemical imbalance in the brain. It is also thought that people with low self-esteem, a pessimistic outlook on life and difficulty coping with stress are more prone to depression. Life events which trigger depression include bereavement, chronic illness, relationship problems and financial difficulties.    INTERNET LINKS Medline   Keep On Living   The BBC is not responsible for the content of external Internet sites