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HEALTH FAMILY PROBLEMS RELATIONSHIPS EDUCATION & CAREER Dear Ola, My problem is that I worry all the time about what people think of me. I feel paranoid. I try to behave in such a way that will please other people but I find this very difficult and a strain. I think the constant pretence is getting me down. I don’t understand why I’m so bothered by other people’s opinions of me but I know that I am and I can’t stop it. Please help me, what should I do? Amall Pragash, India Advice : Trisha Kreitman, Counsellor *He has to find a way to break-out of this spiral because it’s becoming totally debilitating to him. I’d like to tell a short story that shows the kind of thing that’s happening to Amall… *Imagine an actor who’s put together this wonderful one man show. It’s got funny bits, it’s got tragedy and he really wants to get this emotion over to the audience. And he goes into the theatre, the lights are shinning on him and he acts his heart out, and there is no response from the audience at all. They don’t laugh, they don’t clap, there’s nothing. So he worries. The second night he goes in and he exaggerates everything, he’s much funnier, he’s much more tragic and still there’s no response. At the end of the week he’s totally beside himself. He is giving a performance that bares no relation to the one he started-out with. What he hasn’t realised is that with the lights shining on his face he didn’t know there was no audience there. There was nobody to give him a response. And that’s an exaggerated version of what’s happening to Amall. *He’s so conscious the whole time about all these people looking at him whereas they are some of the time, but basically they’re also very worried about their own lives and their own self-consciousness. But it’s affecting Amall to the extent that he cannot do anything without worrying what he's going to say or mean to other people. He’s got to break-out of this. *I would suggest counselling; perhaps your doctor can refer you somewhere. I can also suggest two very simple steps that you can do in the meantime. *Set yourself some targets. These are small but within the next week I want you to do this... Choose something that you want to do, not because it makes you look good, or makes somebody else feel good, but something you want to do, and go and do it. *And secondly, say no to something that you don’t want to do. It might simply be to cut somebody off on the telephone because you’re busy, saying, “I’m sorry but I have to go and do this”, or it might be to stop doing something at work that you feel isn’t your job. You can apologise but don’t feel you always have to explain. Take back the power over your own life and stop giving it to other people who don’t actually want it. The What's the Problem? website is providing general information only. It should not be treated as a substitute for the medical advice of your own doctor or any other health care professional. The BBC is not responsible or liable for any diagnosis made by a user based on the content of the What's the Problem? website. Always consult your own GP if you're in any way concerned about your health.		FURTHER INFORMATION   Assertiveness guidelines * Acknowledge and be honest about your own feelings to yourself. *Adopt new positive inner dialogue for situations where you need to be more assertive. *Be clear, specific and direct in what you say. *If necessary, keep repeating your message if you encounter objections. *If necessary ask questions if you are uncertain about something. * If someone ‘avoids the topic’ - repeat your message. * Keep calm and stick to the point. *Always respect the rights of the other person. Ask yourself these questions * How can I express my message more clearly? * How can I be more specific about what I have to say? * Am I likely to have to repeat my message? * Will I feel comfortable doing this?    INTERNET LINKS ASSERTIVENESS SUCCESS   ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING   The BBC is not responsible for the content of external Internet sites