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HEALTH FAMILY PROBLEMS RELATIONSHIPS EDUCATION & CAREER Dear What’s the Problem, I am 25 and have just recently been told by my parents that I was adopted. Not surprisingly, this has come as a big shock to me. I had no idea, though I did often wonder why I look so different to my adoptive family. My parents say that they love me as if I was their own flesh and blood, and I believe them. However, I need to know where I come from and why my natural mother chose to give me up. My parents have told me that my natural mother is from Denmark but they would rather I didn’t try and find her. I would like to find out more about my natural mother and I don’t think it would be too difficult to trace her but I also don’t want to offend my adoptive parents. Please can you help me in any way. Maria Thomas, UK Advice: Tricia Kreitman * Well I think there’s something to consider before she starts to try and find her natural mother because at 25 Maria is grown-up, she’s a young woman, she’s finished her education and it’s quite a shock to discover suddenly that life is not what she though it was. So she needs to give herself time to get used to that and I can’t help wondering why her parents have chosen now to give her this information. I wonder if there’s something else going on in the family that might be causing a bit of additional stress. So all the family need to have time to get used to the fact that the secret is now out in the open. *If she does want to go ahead and trace her natural mother the best people that she can contact are called NORCAP who are based in the UK but can help her internationally. And they have a website which is norcap.org.uk. *Reunions between parents and children given-up for adoption can be very traumatic and Maria needs to remember that there are three different sets of people involved.: i) There are her adopted parents who are obviously very scared of losing her love. They have been her real parents for all these twenty-five years. Now they may be scared that she’s going to go ahead and leave them behind. Maria knows that’s not the case and simply wants to find her mother for her own peace of mind, but she will have to reassure her adoptive parents. ii)Her mother, in the mean time, has moved on for twenty-five years, probably has another relationship, may well have other children and they have to be considered. *And lastly, Maria herself is going to have to cope with the possibility of rejection. Many adoptees find their real parents only to discover that there is a certain coldness and they’re only marginally interested in meeting them and it doesn’t go any further. So, the most important thing is that the contact is made very carefully and very discretely and I would always advise using an intermediary, and NORCAP can help there, either by doing it themselves or by finding someone who will help in her mother’s own country. *NORCAP also run groups and an advice line for adoptive parents because they know how difficult their situation can be. They often feel left out in the cold. Having done their best to bring up this child, suddenly, there’s the possibility they could walk out of your life. This doesn’t normally happen, but adoptive parents also need support while this discovery process is going on. The What's the Problem? website is providing general information only. It should not be treated as a substitute for the medical advice of your own doctor or any other health care professional. The BBC is not responsible or liable for any diagnosis made by a user based on the content of the What's the Problem? website. Always consult your own GP if you're in any way concerned about your health.		FURTHER INFORMATION   Searching for natural parents It is important to consider all the issues surrounding a search for your birth-parents, as this can be a traumatic experience for your adopted parents and your natural parents. However, if you have decided to proceed with a search, there are a huge amount of resources readily available on the internet and from a number of international agencies. There are also many organisations that can help you through the process of becoming acquainted with your birth-family or to help with issues of rejection. Some are charities, some ask for payment for their services, so make sure to check out the credentials of an organisation before paying them any money. The links below may help you gather information and get a feeling for what resources are available to help adoptees.    INTERNET LINKS Adoption.com   Adoption.org   Rags online   NORCAP   Salvation army   The BBC is not responsible for the content of external Internet sites