By Chris Charles

Nice shirt, Mikey

"I saw Mike's shirt. He asked me to sign it but I refused!"
Returning Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan after seeing Magpies owner Mike Ashley wearing a top with 'King Kev' on the back.

"The match for them is a bit like people down south going to the theatre. They want to be entertained."
Keegan on the Geordie passion for football, before putting on Much Ado About Nothing at St James' Park on Saturday.

"People think I've been out of the game for 100 years."
'The Messiah' in his first press conference since leaving Man City in 1905.

"I think sometimes you guys write the truth but sometimes your editors chop out some important bits - the facts."
Keegan knows how to keep the assembled hacks sweet.

"That's what it said in the papers - let's hope the papers are right!"
When asked if it was true he had �30m to spend in the transfer window.

"I just thought, sod it, let's attack them."
Reading boss Steve Coppell goes for broke against Man Utd.

"Someone has had it away and when I find out who it is, it's going to be bloody. Legs will be broken."
Royals skipper Graeme Murty takes the news that someone has half-inched the shirt he swapped with Ronaldo really well.

"Maybe one of the apprentices has had it. Maybe Murts should check ebay in a day or two!"
Reading striker Kevin 'Columbo' Doyle has his suspicions.

"If the morals of an alley cat exist in the boardroom then you can't expect players to be leaders and virtuous on and off the pitch."
Luton boss Kevin Blackwell has a pop at Liverpool's owners over their treatment of Rafa Benitez ahead of his side's FA Cup third round replay at Anfield.

David Beckham, eat your heart out

"I'm much better for having lived in a garage."
New Bolton signing Gretar Steinsson hopes to park himself in the first team after his spell in a lock-up in Switzerland.

"He would go out there on crutches and play if we asked him."
Fulham boss Roy Hodgson gives Jimmy Bullard a leg-up after his return from injury.

"I have a feeling everyone is putting two and two together and making four."
Chris Coleman's agent Alan Smith on Radio 5 Live on the chances of him becoming number two to Keegan at Newcastle. Nice to see he can add up! (Karen Mason, England).

"When Kevin Keegan arrived at Newcastle you could literally see the shackles being shook off the players."
Fan on 5 Live debate at Shearer's Bar. (Julian, England).

"One, I don't know if he wants a two, and two I'm not sure I want to be one."
Alan Shearer discussing any role he may have with Kevin Keegan at Newcastle. (Colm Dunne, Ireland).

"I would love it, love it if we beat them on Saturday."
Sheffield Wednesday boss Brian Laws goes all Kevin Keegan before the Sheffield derby. (Tom Smith, England).

Never see 'em in the same room

"Does anyone else think that David Moyes looks like Moe from The Simpsons?"
Harvey, on 606, may have a point. (Phil, England).

"Least but not last, I would like to thank the Dubai Government."
Haille Gebrselassie after winning the Dubai Marathon. (Jon Maskell, Dubai).

"I'm looking forward to going to Qatar again, it's my first time there."
Luke Donald in Abu Dhabi. (Gary O, Hertfordshire).

"We're not relegated yet and there'll be no throwing in of the white flag."
Scunthorpe manager Nigel Adkins after defeat by Wolves. It's got to be one cliche or the other, Nigel, you can't make up your own! (Tom Sperrink, England).

"It's Pablo that gets caught with his knickers down and Robinho dances around him...pulls it back for Raul. Raul says 'Thank you very much, Brazilian boy!' It's off to the races! Like a thoroughbred. Robinho's vision, Robinho's class, Raul's deadly dagger!"
Ray Hudson, GolTV Commentator during Atletico Madrid-Real Madrid. (Kailyn LeAnne, Kentucky, USA).

I've never told a lie in me life - uh-oh

"Are you telling the truth? Because your nose will get longer if you are not."
Jeff Stelling to pundit Phil Thompson on Soccer Saturday. (Jack D, London).

"The Mel Gibson film 'What Women Want' was scheduled to be shown at this time, I'm sure this is not what it is."
Guy Mowbray during a rather uneventful first half of the FA Cup third round replay between Man City and West Ham. (David Macleod, Scotland).

"Obviously no-one's shown him how to use the kitchen. If you want to have pasta, why don't you make it, son?!"
BBC Radio 5 Live's Alan Green on Man City striker Rolando Bianchi's dislike of English food. (Rich Gledhill, UK).

"This is volley porn!"
Adrian Chiles when comparing spectacular volleyed goals on MOTD2. (Richard Lynch, Chester).

"Oba Martins v Spurs 14/1/07... Nigerian ace collects 25 yards from goal before smashing an unstoppable 30-yard shot beyond Paul Robinson."
nufc.co.uk votes for goal of the year. (Samuel Ronbom, UK).

"Havant and Waterlooville were literally fighting for their lives out there."
A little extreme from Lee Dixon. It was only Swansea. (Sanu, UK).

"He just walks into a room and a player grows by 20 per cent."
Steven Harper on Kevin Keegan. It's a good job he isn't England manager anymore, Peter Crouch would be through the ceiling! (Mark Gower, England).

Do you believe in cod?

"GOOOOOOOOOOAL!!! The Cod has scored!"
Heard on Catalunya Radio during Barcelona v Murcia when Eidur Gudjohnsen scored. (Hannah Margrett, Spain).

"It was wrong that they spoke to him behind his back. They should have done it behind closed doors."
Liverpool fans speaking about the treatment of Rafa Benitez. (Malc Williams, UK).

"A really great performance from a team who have not only played intelligently, but also cleverly."
Comment on Talksport after Bury's shock defeat of Norwich. (Tom, England).

"This is a three-lap race, two short laps and two long ones!"
Brendan Foster commentating on the cross country in Edinburgh. (Dave Clark-Wilson, Isle of Man).

"It just shows that shocks can happen when you least expect them."
Willo Flood ahead of Dundee United's cup tie with Clyde. (Brendan Croft, Scotland).

"Alos coming in for Spurs - no, sorry, also coming in."
Ian Payne during build up to Reading-Spurs. (Ben, England).

Once a red, always a red

"He's like a magnet...he smells danger."
Mike Newell on Jamie Carragher's defensive abilities. (Jack, Oxford).

"That was as electrifying as a hair-dryer getting thrown into a bath full of water!"
US commentator describes Fernando Torres' screamer against Middlesbrough. (Ashley Thornton-Jones, England).

"It hurts a lot and it's hard to describe how much I am hurting at the moment."
Glenn Roeder on Norwich's defeat by Bury. (Chris Gandhi, UK).

"He's an unhappy Campo."
Mark Lawrenson on Ivan Campo's early exit. Genius. (Jon T, England).

"I think he scored more tonight than I've scored in 500 games."
Jamie Carragher on Steven Gerrard's hat-trick against Luton.

"To sack him at this stage doesn't make any sense to me, but, to be honest, most things don't make any sense to me."
Paul Merson tries to make sense of Sam Allardyce's departure. (Both from Painy).

Barbara Schett: "You wouldn't believe it would be possible to win three tournaments just seven months after giving birth."
Mats Wilander: "It certainly would be impossible on the men's tour!"
On Lindsay Davenport's return. (Howard, Netherlands).

Three quid for this shirt - bargain

"What shirt am I wearing, bruv? Are you being serious?!"
Leeds' Jermaine Beckford when asked about his future on Sky Sports. (Peter, UK).

"Stay in school, kids, or you might end up being an umpire."
Andy Roddick expressing his approval of the umpire during his third round Australian Open match against Phillipp Kohlschreiber. (Jon, UK).

"You Fill Up My Senses
Like A Home Game With Wigan
Like A Goal From Paul Scharner
Like a Goal From Teves
Like a peno from Unsworth
Like a bye bye to Warnock
Like Sheffield United
You ****** up again!"
Sheffield Wednesday fans teasing United in the steel city derby. (Molly Fenwick, England).

"Bryan, top marks for not trying - with your rubbish formations and awful choices, you should get the boot soon."
Wednesday fans to Bryan Robson, to the tune of Arctic Monkeys' Brianstorm.(James, England).

"You can stick your Yorkshire pudding up your a***!"
Carlisle fans to Doncaster. (Sam, Carlisle).

"What's that coming out of the air - it's Martin Laursen, it's Martin Laursen."
Villa fans to their goalscoring defender. (Darren, England).

"You're getting sacked in the morning"
Luton fans to Rafa Benitez.

"You're going bust in the morning!"
Liverpool fans reply. (Sam Jackson, England).

"There's only one Jurgen Klinsmann!"
Luton fans after Liverpool sang Benitez's name. (Elliot Georges, England).

"Mixu Paatelainen, what a ******* signing!"
Hibernian fans to their new manager. (Alun Davies, Wales).

"Nice one Harry, nice one son, nice one Harry, for turning down the scum!"
Sunderland fans to Harry Redknapp. (Iain Turner, England).

"Would the owner of vehicle number XXXXXX, please go to reception, as they have your keys and the windows are wide open. Oh and I got this message five minutes ago."
At Home Park, Plymouth. (Matthew Monaghan, England).

"Mr X, your wife has just gone into labour. You don't have to leave if you don't want to."At Cardiff v Sheffield Wednesday. Jack Reynolds, Wales

"I haven't got a clue who scored that, but at least we're winning."
Bramall Lane announcer after Sheffield United took the lead against QPR. (Alan Ellis, England).

Whadda ya mean, not that Exotic Dancer? See Headline of the Week

"Goal for David Brid!"
Announcer at Whaddon Road when Cheltenham's David Bird scored against Bournemouth. (Sam King, England).

"And the score is West Ham 1, Fulham 1. Fulham's scorer was Simon Davies - at least someone from Tottenham has scored today!"
Chelsea announcer at half-time against Spurs. (Hanif Price, England).

"Geraghty rides Exotic Dancer."
On the RTE racing index regarding Barry Geraghty's er, mount, at Cheltenham on Saturday. (Mark Tracey, Ireland).