By Chris Charles

And take your dog with you!

"I am not the 'Special One'. I'm the normal one. But my wife says I am special. What am I like? I am 180cm."
New Chelsea manager Avram Grant has them rolling in the aisles in his first press conference.

"I am more than 50-years-old - I want to be younger but I can't be."
All of Roman's billions can't buy Grant a time machine.

"The referee made three mistakes only. The red card, playing too much time at the end of the first half (when Man Utd scored) and the penalty. Apart from that he was good."
The Israeli has his say after the United defeat. Sound familiar?

"There's a joke going around London that he's the 'Special One' - but he's not that special!"
Spurs boss Martin Jol doesn't believe Jose Mourinho is special enough to take his job.

"I would love to gather all the fans together to say goodbye but they would crush me with their love."
Jose is as modest as ever.

"A few referees have rung me to say they are sad to see me go - but not the linesman against Blackburn!"
Mourinho has not forgotten the disallowed goal that would have put Chelsea top.

"We had something like 20 chances but that was only enough for one goal. Maybe we need 40 chances for two goals and 60 for three."
Mourinho after Chelsea's 1-1 draw with Rosenborg, not realising he was in the last chance saloon.

"Was it as good as sex? Probably yeah. It's a long while since I've had sex - you'd have to ask the wife."
Iain Dowie on the late equaliser that earned Coventry a point at his old club Crystal Palace.

"It's going to be a real challenge and a finger-licking tie."
Kelly Smith looks forward to England-USA but it turns out to be finger lickin' bad for the English.

"It gives me a better perspective on the game - and no-one yells at me to sit down!"
Aldershot manager Gary Waddock, who stands with fans during games to ask their advice. It's working - Aldershot are top of the league.

Jacko's a huge Jol fan

"I am not like Michael Jackson - I am not a lover, I'm a fighter."
Jol comes out with yet another Off The Wall quote.

"If I was being picky, I could point out there were no stewardesses and no alcohol on board, but it gave us a glimpse of how the other half live."
Wolves striker Andy Keogh, who was flown back from Prague with team-mate Kevin Foley in the chairman's private plane. Both scored in the 2-0 win over Norwich.

"When I get home I'll be on the phone to see if I can extend the wife's holiday another week!"
While the wife's away, Dave Kitson will score...for Reading.

"There was a late tackle on Grant but he's still alive so it's not a major problem."
Sunderland manager Roy Keane shows as much sympathy as you would expect after midfielder Grant Leadbitter is chopped down against Middlesbrough.

"Once you shake hands with the devil, you have to accept they are in control."
Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson on the Premier League's attitude to scheduling of matches after signing a �1.7bn TV deal.

Who's that on Marvin's bed?

"My room-mate Michael McIndoe has been going around telling everybody I'm always standing on the end of my bed trying to be Leonardo di Caprio in Titanic. Not true! Not True! I haven't even seen the film. "
Bristol City's Marvin Elliott scuppers those evil rumours but admitted his side had that sinking feeling when Burnley equalised.

"We ended up having dinner at Nobu. We had a few drinks before, a few drinks there, and a few drinks afterwards back at the hotel. We were also celebrating in the locker room afterwards and got through a few bottles of champagne in there. When I woke up in the morning I was a little on the thirsty side."
Tim Henman has a few too many after the last shot of his professional career earns Great Britain a Davis Cup promotion.

"I've spent the whole week with him and it's like spending it with a six-year-old boy. If I end up like that, shoot me!"
Hatton on travelling around with the one-man circus that is Floyd Mayweather to promote their fight.

"He is doing the show Dancing With The Stars and I think that's how he is boxing. Floyd always backs up. That's the woman's part."
Hatton promises to take the lead when the pair clash in December.

Cheerio Floyd

"Vicky Fatten."
Mayweather hits back.

"I'd like to say thank you to everyone who's supported me in Manchester. Your reward will be for me to beat that clown up there."
Hatton has the final say.

"Nothing surprises me in football, nothing - but this is a bit of a surprise!"
Tommy Doherty on Radio Manchester after the news about Mourinho. (Keith Ellison, England).

"Nothing surprises me in football but if I said I was astounded that would be an understatement."
Ray Wilkins, not surprised either. (Jon Harbage, England).

"We're at a stage in the game where both sides will be happy with the current scoreline."
Martin Tyler during the Man U-Chelsea match. I'm not sure Avram was happy to be losing 1-0?! (Joe Moriarty, England).

"I don't think you can win the World Cup without scoring points."
Wonderful observation by Wallabies coach John Connolly. (Kane Rennie, Australia).

"In their first match without Jose Mourinho, Arsenal take on Derby County, next".
BBC announcer's introduction to Match of the Day. Erm, what?!? (Matt Lim, UK).

"Most goals go between the posts."
Peter Beagrie on Sky after Ipswich beat Coventry. (Quincey, England).

"And here's the unmistakable Natalie Gulbis putting for birdie.... except that it's Morgan Pressel."
That was obviously Mickey Walker commentating for Sky Sports on the Solheim Cup...or then again maybe it wasn't. (Mark, Belfast).

Derby are half the team they used to be

"After the first goal went in you could literally see the Derby players shrinking."
Alan Shearer commenting on Derby's latest capitulation. (Anon).

"Apologies about the colour clash out there. If you're confused, the All Blacks tend to be the team with the ball."
Presenter on TV coverage of NZ v Scotland Rugby World Cup match. (Mariam, England).

"He doesn't seem to be suffering from Ramadan, he still looks very hungry."
Setanta commentator Scott Booth on Hibs player Zemmama. Wouldn't you be? (Liam Reid, Hartlepool).

"He was all over him like a wetsuit."
Comment made by Paul Merson on Soccer Saturday. (Claire, England).

"If we beat France again, do we get to keep them?"
Reader Allan Stewart from Scotland after his side beat France twice in a row.

"England needed a two-goal cushion and they went one better and scored six."
Jo Potter has problems with her maths on the MOTD highlights of the England v Argentina game. (Nigel Bayley, Lymington).

"It looked worse than it looked."
Commentator on Bradford Bulls v Wigan. (Paul Bryant, UK).

South Africa were pants

"South Africa have been caught with their pants down."
Ravi Shastri commentating during the crucial Twenty20 game between India and South Africa when SA's decision to prepare a green, bouncy wicket backfired. (Denny Jose, England).

"Just three singles off the over for England, who are now two without loss."
David Lloyd apparently doesn't understand the rules of cricket. (Hasan Idrees, UK).

"Portugal are defending well against Italy, like they did against the All Blacks."
Sean Fitzpatrick at half-time during the Italy-Portugal Match. Does he mean the game where the All Blacks won 108-13?! (Kris, Wales).

"Arsene Wenger would have settled for three points if you'd offered them to him before the game."
Graham Taylor commentating on Arsenal-Sevilla. You don't say, Graham? (Simon Yensen, Bristol).

"We wanted to show that morality and fair play are not dead in the game."
Leicester owner Milan Mandaric after the 'free goal' against Forest. Fair play? Didn't he sack Martin Allen after just four games in charge? (Tolly Savile, UK).

"The FIA should be renamed 'Ferrari International Assistance'.
Ex-Minardi boss Paul Stoddart is dissatisfied with the FIA's neutrality after the F1 spy scandal. (Phil, England).

"Tonight he felt the groin and had he carried on and extended himself in any way, he might have actually pulled it."
Sam Allardyce on Michael Owen's groin. Brilliant! (Aron, England).

Are you batting for the other side, Al?

"Whose side are you on?"
David Lloyd when the camera showed Allan Donald during SA v England in the Twenty20. (Simon Carroll, UK).

"The guy looked like he was driving it 'cos he'd nicked it."
Martin Brundell's analogy of Kimi Raikkonen's pole-winning lap at the Belgian Grand Prix. (Simon Macleod, England).

"That game could have gone either way. It didn't but it could have done."
Gary Lineker on the Spurs-Arsenal match. Where did it go, then? (Bill Boaden, UK).

"I was very pleased with the way we played at Hartlepool in the first half, although in the second half we suffered with the wind a little bit."
Paul Sturrock quoted in his column on the Swindon website. (Alan Roberts, UK). UK

"Who the ******* hell are you?"
Ricky Hatton fans to Floyd Mayweather.

"You only score when we let you!"
Sung by Leicester fans to Forest during the Carling Cup match. (Matty, Leicester).

"Where were you on Tuesday Night?"
United fans taunting Chelsea following their no show in the Champions League.

Chelsea are no longer special

"You're not special anymore."
United fans reminding Chelsea the 'Special One' has left.

"10 men, we've only got 10 men."
Chelsea fans taunting United fans as they held their own at Old Trafford.
"10 fans, you only have 10 fans."
United fans reply to Chelsea's taunts. (All from Ian Battersby, England).

"Beattie wears a sports bra."
Wolves fans to the chunky Sheffield United striker James Beattie. (Joe Scott, England).

"You're just a town full of seamen!"
Sung by FC United fans to Fleetwood fans at their FA Cup match. (Stuart, UK).

"We're the famous Tartan Army and we're here to save the snail."
One more from Scotland fans in Paris. (Steven McCrory, Scotland).

"You're really, really smelly!"
Forest Green fans to Aldershot fans. (James Priest, England).

"1-0 to the England."
After Spurs go one-up in the north London derby. (Jon Harnett, United Kingdom).

"Fresh air! We only want fresh air."
Sunderland fans singing to Middlesbrough fans on Saturday. (Jonathan, Darlington, UK).

"Shearer, Shearer gives us a goal."
Chant heard at Wycombe v Shrewsbury when Wycombe Keeper Scott Shearer came on as a substitute. (Chris Wise, UK).

"Where's ya sponsor gone?"
Derby fans to Northern Rock-sponsored Newcastle. (John Marshall, England).

"You should have banked with The Woolwich!"
More from the Derby fans. (Slow Chariot, UK).

"What's it like to see a crowd?"
Leeds fans after a crowd of 29,410 was announced against Swansea. (Matt T, England).

"We fill our stadium."
Arsenal fans in reference to Chelsea only managing to get 24,000 at Stamford Bridge the previous night for a Champions League game. (Ben Smith, England).

"I beat Anorexia."
Fat man at the England-South Africa Twenty20 match. (Paul Wilson, UK).