Listen to Robbo rant!

By Derek 'Robbo' Robson The Tees Mouth

Fancy a spot of lunch afterwards?

Hiya Robbo.

Hello son.

It's been a long time.

Yes, a long, weary time.

A lot's happened since last we spoke - or not a lot if you're a British sports fan. Monty's the latest one to let the side down and Nick Faldo's grabbing all the headlines.

Yes it's back to the good old bad days of British sport.

I'd quite like to have been out with Faldo, Tiger Woods and Katayama, who doesn't speak a word of English.

I think Katayama will have learnt a few English words by the end of the two days. What is it with Faldo? He could start a fight in an empty room.

Well I think Tiger's been a bit childish but then it's spurred him on to shoot a 65, so you can't argue with that.

Moving on and Jez in the UK says: "Robbo, who on earth is going to win Sports Personality of the Year this year?

I can't believe they gave it to Walliams

"It's been an atrocious year for British sport and they're really going to be scratting around for someone to give the trophy to."

At this rate I might win it. Or maybe it will be somebody like Matt Skelton, who's done nothing much, but a bit more than most others.

Steven Gerrard and Monty are the current favourites.

Well Gerrard had a good season for Liverpool, but you can't give Sports Personality of the Year to someone who misses a penalty in a World Cup quarter-final. Otherwise you'll have Stuart Pearce, Gareth Southgate and David Batty demanding to know why they haven't won it.

The second favourite, incidentally is Little Britain's David Walliams for swimming the Channel.

That's it. That's the one. Give it to him now. He's achieved more than most of our sports stars this year and he would certainly liven things up on the night.

Now you've heard the revelations about Wayne Rooney leaving the vacuum on to help him sleep. Stephen in the USA has a helpful suggestion.

He says: "As a baby, my son was calmed by the vacuum and would soon be asleep when it ran. So I made a recording of it and it became his lullaby. No fire hazard and easy to transport. Of course, my son gave up the practice aged three."

Well I go to sleep to the sound of the television, but I'm rather surprised Wayne still needs the hoover.

Presumably the housemaid comes back at 10 in the evening to switch it back on, because I'm sure Coleen doesn't know how to work it - and I doubt Wayne does either.

Hopefully he will stay awake long enough to get through the Euro 2008 qualifiers - and hopefully with someone alongside him up front.

If Sven was still manager he'd probably play the hoover up front with Rooney. Although to be fair, it might score a few more than Frank Lampard.

Ha ha! This CD of the vacuum noise suggested by Stephen might come in handy for Ronaldo if Rooney tries to seek revenge in training. A quick flick of the play button and he's out for the count.

Yes. I don't know what Lampard was listening to in Germany but it had a similar effect.

Now, Shane in Ireland has a go at you for slating David Trezeguet.

Shane says: "The same David Trezeguet who scored 95 goals in 150 games for Juve and 32 in 65 for France? The same David Trezeguet who got 23 league goals in Serie A last year from 29 starts Yeah, real woeful."

OK. But statistics tell me one thing and watching him on the telly tells me another. I've never seen him play well. Ever.

"Stop watching me, Robbo!"

Yes he's scored lots of goals and it's hard to argue with the statistics young Shane has provided. But I've still yet to see him play well.

So how does he score all the goals then?

Well I don't know. I must be a curse on the lad. He must get nervous if he knows I'm watching. The same goes for Ibrahimovic.

I agree with you there. The only thing of note I remember him doing is scoring that backheeled flick for Sweden against Italy at Euro 2004.

He's like the Swedish John Barnes. One good goal at the Maracana Stadium in Brazil does not a football career make.

Anyway, if Liverpool do sign Trezeguet, their fans will be hoping you turn off the TV every time he plays for them.

I promise I'll do that.

Finally, Eldaris in Spain says: "Robbo, seriously you are the most narrow-minded jackass the world has ever seen. Reading the article made me laugh my eyes out.

Perfect conditions for English football

The Spanish league is far superior to the English league. Players of Zlatan Ibrahimovic's quality will only look at the top clubs, not some club like Boro, which frankly neither me nor anyone else has ever heard of. Well, happy daydreaming - you unenlightened English."

Well that seems a bit unfair. If it wasn't for Middlesbrough, Spain wouldn't have had a comfortable victory in the Uefa Cup final.

And in any case, I've never heard of anyone laughing their eyes out. You laugh your head off, you don't laugh your eyes out.

I'm afraid I can't take anyone seriously who doesn't use the proper turn of phrase.

He's got a point, though. I think we may be deluding ourselves that we play the best football in the world in the Premiership.

I don't think we play the best, but we play the most entertaining football - although granted England were the second most boring team at the World Cup after Switzerland.

I want to watch people going 100mph for 90 minutes. Start playing the World Cup in the winter and we might win it.

Hmmm! That's it for now. Have a good weekend.

Ta-ta, son.