 Pie or chips? You decide |
The decision to let an American also-ran represent Britain at the Olympics has caused a right old hoo-hah.
Malachi Davis - the 26th fastest 400m runner in the USA - did not help his cause when he touched down in the UK and announced his delight at turning out for ENGLAND.
You could hear the knives being sharpened from Aberdeen to Aberystwyth.
And the hole he had dug himself grew ever deeper as the Californian suggested Lord's was a city, Liverpool were reigning Premiership champions and Prince Charles' sons were William and...Edward.
Worst of all, he'd never heard of EastEnders. Traitor's Gate surely beckons.
So for all third-rate American athletes planning to gatecrash the GB 'party', we have devised a simple quiz to see if you are, in the words of the BBC's Rob Bonnet, "More fish and chips than apple pie".
1. A PRETTY LONDON GIRL INVITES YOU UP THE APPLES AND PEARS WHAT DO YOU DO?
A) Immediately accept - it's the best offer you've had in ages
B) Call the cops
C) Politely decline - you never eat fruit before a big race
2. YOU TURN ON THE TV AND SEE JACK AND VERA HAVING A SLANGING MATCH, WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
A) Coronation Street
B) Prime Minister's Question Time
C) Wildlife on One
3. YOU ARE IN MANCHESTER AND YOU SEE THE SUN COME OUT - WHAT ARE YOUR FIRST THOUGHTS?
A) Get yourself down to the doctors - you're obviously seeing things
B) Get out your bucket and spade and wander down to the beach. This is a seaside resort, isn't it?
C) Assume it is a perfectly normal occurence
4. SOMEONE INVITES YOU TO A GARETH GATES CONCERT - WHAT SHOULD YOU TAKE?
A) Ear plugs
B) A keen interest
C) An overdose
5. SOMEONE NEARBY DECLARES: "I AM A CIDER DRINKER", WHERE ARE YOU?
A) In Somerset
B) Having tea with the Queen
C) In a right old state
6. HER MAJESTY TAPS YOU ON THE HEAD WITH A BIG SWORD - WHAT DO YOU DO?
A) Thank her very much and take a bow
B) Pull out a piece and blow her goddam head off
C) Pick up your head and calmly walk away
Congratulations - you have finished the quiz! If you answered mostly a) you are a true Brit. You drink 20 cups of tea a day, enjoy fish and chips, haggis and Yorkshire pudding and love moaning about the weather.
 Malachi Davis - loves his apple pie |
If you answered mostly b), chances are you're a Yankee doodle dandy who calls his dad "sir" and wears caps with his suits. And unless you have a realisitic chance of winning a medal for Britain, stay the hell away!
If you answered mostly c) you are obviously in need of serious help, although your answer to the Gareth Gates question was perfectly acceptable.
P.S. Note to Maurice Greene - if you suddenly discover the second cousin of an auntie's grandmother's husband's ferret was born in dear old Blighty, forget the quiz - just get your a*** over here - smartish!
MMIX
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