By Derek 'Robbo' Robson The Tees mouth

So Robbo, England go out on penalties yet again.

Why? Why does it always have to be us? Let's not beat about the bush, we were rubbish. But why could we not just lose in regulation instead of another slow torture of extra-time and another blinking penalty shoot-out? Let's get rid of it!

Do you think shoot-outs should be abolished then Robbo?

"Did the earth move for you too?"

No, I've got a much better plan. They should take two players off after every five minutes in extra-time, so you're down to six-a-side before you know it.

Or how about this for an idea? When we go 1-0 up in a big international match, let's try to get another shall we, instead of trying to defend for 90 minutes? It's a simple game plan - let's try to score again!

Do you think Sven would go for that tactic though? Sounds a bit risky...

Ah, Sven. I don't know what happens to Sven. When we go 1-0 down, he says, 'let's go for it' and when we go 1-0 up, doesn't matter how long into the game, it's defend, defend!

It was like watching the Brazil match at the World Cup again. In fact it was d�j� vu five million times wasn't it?

They had the Brazilian coach, Michael Owen scored early on after a defensive blunder... I got doom-struck then even though we were 1-0 up!

Then Campbell scored a last-minute winner that wasn't allowed and was wheeling away in celebration when they broke upfield. It was like a thousand albatrosses around England supporters' necks every five minutes.

What did you make of the referee's performance, Robbo?

I thought he was alright. The thing about the Portuguese lads is, before they train them how to pass and move and all that, the first thing they learn is how to fall.

Lesson One: The dive

Deco was getting on me nerves. I'm surprised he managed walk out onto the pitch without falling over!

And I got very narked with Cristiano Ronaldo. It was something to do with his appearance - he is a very strange looking lad. He looks like a drag queen between performances - like he's got a wig and lippy to put back on.

What about the penalty spot - do you think Sven should take a gardener with the squad to big tournaments from now on?

Well Becks, bless 'im, needs all the excuses going at the moment, and I think that was a perfectly legitimate one as far as he could tell.

I think there is a conspiracy in international football to put slippery substances on uneven penalty spots when Becks is playing. At least there is in the poor lad's head.

He needs a good lie-down, that one.

What about the rest of the England lads?

Well, I thought Ashley Cole was brilliant throughout the game. And big Sol and wonder boy Rooney all did themselves proud.

England rue bad luck

I don't really know why we put on defensive midifelders when we were 1-0 up, instead of trying to score. We should just keep going.

Of course, Billy Beef (Rooney) was off by then. If he had been up front to hold the ball up, at least there would have been a threat even if we had continued our very elaborate attacking policy of hoofing it up towards Owen.

We have done it before - gone 1-0 up, defended and lost. I don't know why we had to do it again, but there we are.

So is that the end of the tournament as far as you're concerned Robbo?

Time to slip the wig back on...

Well, it's all come and gone so quickly hasn't it? It reminds me of when my old grandfather used to offer me a lolly and then snatch it away again at the last minute. I hated him.

All the fun has gone out of it now, but I hope the Czech Republic win. That would be nice. Nothing much seems to happen there, so it would be a bit of a fillip for them.

Still, there's still Tiger Tim at Wimbledon to look forward to eh?

Yes, there is another great British success story in the offing. At least we have got that to fall back on.

Do you think this will be Tim's year then?

No, of course it won't be! His year was the year he was born. It has been an uphill struggle for the lad ever since. He's great, don't get me wrong. He's the best British player since Fred Perry and no-one will tire of hearing that.

But he's still not good enough to win a Grand Slam, bless 'im. I look forward to seeing him get beat by Andy Roddick in the quarter-finals, if he gets that far.

Any more words of comfort for suffering England fans, Robbo?

All I can suggest really is this: drink heavily! Indulge the pain! Sometimes you can do it for days at a time and forget about everything that's happened.

Wise words Robbo. See you soon.

Ta-ta son.