By Derek 'Robbo' Robson The Tees mouth

Crushed Iceland

Ah well there you are - problem solved. Stick Gerrard in front of the back four.

It's not as if he hasn't got Liverpool into Europe almost entirely on his own, so he's the perfect man to shoulder the burden. Poor lamb.

He must be a bit jealous of Lamps but he's a good lad.

And even though Iceland were bloody awful - there was one Gudjohnsen and two bad Johnsens (if only they've have fought this badly during the cod wars, eh?) - England do look in decent shape following the bonsai-sized performance against Japan.

Fancy swapping, Frank?

If Owen can find his first touch and Becks can sort out his back, who knows? Hansen doesn't think we can do it, so we've got to have a chance!

And with a future Spurs manager in charge of France, things are just looking better and better!

Clay Mates

I didn't catch much of the French Open final cos the missus was banging on the back lawn being too high, so I had to do summat about it.

After two hours solid nagging I finally persuaded her to mow it.

Still, Tim must be gutted at them two Argentines fighting like mad to give it to each other. If Coria could only have cramped up a couple of days earlier...

It's a bit of a strange thing all these South American clay-courters cropping up at once, though, isn't it? And none of em seem to do much on any other surface.

We'll see neither hide nor hair of them in Wimbers. An Argy on grass is as common a sight as a Dutch mountain biker or a Kenyan speed skater. Is every tennis court from Caracas downwards covered in orange cack?

Oh and by the way, Tim is a lovely lad and that but he is not going to win Wimbledon this or any other year. So relax.

Kiwi Hospital

Well I feel sorry for the New Zealand cricketers of course.

They currently have so few fit players to pick from there is the outside chance that the first ever genuine Kiwi is going to open at Trent Bridge.

Geraint no stopping him now

On the plus side, isn't it nice to have a couple of big strapping lads like Flintoff and Harmison to rap a few knuckles and ribcages for a change?

And with the Papua New Guinean Welshman Jones getting a ton too, we are beginning to look pretty tasty Test-wise. Now if we could just find out how to tell Ashley that he needs a rest...

Abracaderby! Oaksus Pocus!

Me mates and me went to extreme lengths to find our winners at Epsom this week. For the Oaks and the Derby we tried to contact the spirit world.

Me son Darren dropped the glass so we went for Sundrop in the Oaks. And then me missus knocked on the door to find out what was going on in there and so we went for Percussionist in the Derby.

The fact that we were using a Ouija Board didn't occur to us.

That and the fact that no spooky voice said: "Go for North Light, you pillock, Fallon's the master jockey." It's back to the blindfold and the drawing pin next year.