What has Figo done this year?

And we don't have to worry about any of the cooking. The Robsons are going to have a trouble-free Christmas for the first time in our lives.

Well I hope none of these questions trouble you. First up is Jim C from Hull, who says: I'm wondering about the geographical knowledge of those picking the footballers of the year.

If the world footballer of the year is Figo, and he's European, how can Owen be European footballer of the year?

That's a good point, Jim from Hull. Aren't there different people voting though?

Yeah, one's run by a French football magazine.

Oh, well that's typical of the French. Some organisation has decided that they're going to be responsible for picking the footballer of the year.

We're all involved - it's not just you lot you know.

But it is a bit mad. I don't even see why Figo got it in the first place. What's he done, exactly?

Has he bent a free kick over the wall in the last minute to send his side to the World Cup finals? No.

In fact he missed a few of Portugal's games because they were playing so many Mickey Mouse teams.

I think there's a bit of Spanish bias going on. Owen should have won both awards, I think.

I totally agree. Not everybody scores a hat-trick against the Germans and wins five trophies do they?

Exactly, they should have given it to the little lad.

The little lad should have won everything

I think they try and spread it around too much - it's too democratic. I'm not in favour of democracy, me - I think you should have a benevolent dictatorship.

Just have one man in charge and as long as he's a nice bloke you won't have any problems at all.

Who would you have then - Sir Alex Ferguson?

Well he's been running that regime at Old Trafford for 15 years and it's served him well.

Having said that, I'm pretty confused politically.

Yeah, let's talk sport!

Le's talk sport! You're right, I went off on a tangent there, we'll have all sorts of people writing in, like...John Pienaar.

My girlfriend quite likes him actually.

What, John Pienaar?

Yeah, not quite sure why.

No, nor am I.

Anyway, this next one's from Robin of Somerset.

What, the Robin of Somerset?

Did Figo score a free kick in the last minute?

Must be. He says: Leave Ronnie alone! If your journo skills were any good you would have seen after his 10-1 whipping of Ken Doherty that he blamed his hair cut on his other half!

Anyway, he earned �600,000 from knocking balls around a green table last year so I think he can do what the hell he likes with his barnet.

Oh, and Robin says he has 'boring sensible 9 to 5 hair'.

What happens after five? Does he put his fingers in the socket or something?

The thing is, Ronnie's a great snooker player who's won a lot of money, but you'd think with all that cash sloshing around, he'd be able to afford a decent hairdresser!

There's no point in doing it yourself when you can afford to pay someone else to do it.

And as for blaming the missus, don't let her tell you how to cut it man. Go for an economy cut, that's what I do.

Get it cut twice a year dead short and that'll do you.

O'Sullivan's hair is crap - about as crap as Ken Doherty's play on the table was.

So there you are, Robin of Somerset. I don't care if you're bloody Robin of Loxley, I'll have me say!

Now, couple of Man United questions here.

Jonathan Taylor of the UK says: It is stupid to write off United so early in the season.

Doesn't anybody remember a couple of seasons ago when United were 12 points behind Newcastle and came back to win the title?

Get your money in your pocket Ronnie!

Christian from England adds: I think Beckham should leave United if Sir Alex does not play him next week.

Well I think everyone will leave United once Alex goes. They'll all be off stuffing Euros in their pockets.

I think United are doing quite well without Beckham, so off you go son - good luck to you, lad.

As for the first point, Newcastle were 12 points clear when Keegan was managing the team. I can't see Houllier or Wenger, or even O'Leary losing their cool and letting everything slip.

I can't even see Bobby Robson losing it - and God forbid if Newcastle win it.

I can't believe they're top of the table - I don't know what the hell's going on there! The world's gone topsy-turvy!

There's a couple of Geordies live down the road. We don't want them in the town at the best of times - and even less so now.

They're claiming zebra crossings for their own now.

As far as United goes, whatever I predict, the opposite happens, so they're going to win the title.

The woman with the fuller figure

Right. So they're not, then? Glad we got that cleared up.

Next it's Maria Zambrana from the USA. She says: You maintain that women should participate in sports wearing only bras and panties, which I suppose would have many benefits in terms of television ratings, audience sizes, etc.

But are you prepared to be a champion for the return of Rubinesque-style women's bodies?

Can you handle that burden, or should the world reconsider your suggestion?

Well I know about benevolent dictatorships, but I don't know what Rubinesque means.

I think it refers to the woman with the fuller figure, like the Sophie Dahl look.

Oh. I prefer the lentil dahl myself at my local Indian. But she's absolutely right - there's no point having women playing sport in bras and pants if they can't fill 'em.

I don't really go for the thinner look. I mean Paula Radcliffe is very fit, but she's skin and bone, whereas Denise Lewis has got a man's physique.

Frankly I don't think fat lasses are generally that good at sport, but if we can get them involved, great!

So will you be using the term 'Rubinesque' in future?

I shall, but I'll probably get a slap round the face.

Gazza won't be wearing an England shirt again

Finally, Tom Easton from England says: I just wanted to bring to your attention the fact that after Derby 'disgraced the nation' by losing to Man Utd, Boro appear to have jumped on the bandwagon and done the very same.

Or is this some tactical manoeuvre by the Boro boss to endear himself to the powers that be at Old Trafford?

Ooh, that's a bit sly Tom. I think you'll find there's a huge difference between a 5-0 capitulation and a narrow 1-0 squeak.

I don't know whether McClaren was casting pearls before swine as it were, but he's doing a fine job at the Riverside, he's an honourable man and I think we'll keep hold of him.

Plus the fact, everybody seems to be after the Man U job so I think Steve will be at the back of the queue.

There's even some Canadian beaver hunter sniffing around.

I think I must have missed that one.

Trapper Tony.

Who?

Trapper Tony, you know Trapattoni.

Oh no - I can't believe I fell for that!

You did though! Then there's Capello - they all want to come over because of the strength of the English pound.

They're queueing up for Fergie's job

Anyway, I digress again. I think it was a silly point, Tom.

I thought the Boro acquitted themselves quite well against United.

We did - last 10 minutes nearly got a draw.

The Guvnor looks in form as well.

Strange lad, Ince. He shouts at people from the top of his head.

He points to the top of his head, then shouts at them. You watch next time.

He's still got it, though, and might sneak back into the England squad, you never know.

What about Gazza?

Well, Gazza can't sneak in anywhere these days can he?

Everton just bring him on for the last 20 minutes so he can bring a bit of respectability to the scoreline.

Maybe he could go over with the squad and hand out the plastic breasts.

Well on that festive note, Robbp I'd like to wish you a very happy Christmas and New Year.

And to you - I'll be back from Ireland soon with some tall tales for you. Ta-ta, son. ROBBO WILL BE BACK IN THE NEW YEAR.