49th over - 230-4 Ferguson very nearly runs himself out - God knows England have had their chances - but Bopara's shy misses again and Australia pick up one. Hussey chips Anderson to wide long-on for four - all run. That's just not acceptable. Hussey hoicks Anderson over square-leg for four and that's that, England have been splattered again and Australia lead the series 3-0. Many thanks for the chat, I'm off to do something more interesting instead. Night.

48th over - 221-4 Wright with a decent lbw appeal against Ferguson, but that was probably going over. Still, bit of spunk from Wright, and there hasn't been enough spunk from England today. Hussey plays and misses outside off-peg, and that's a smashing over from Wright. Eight needed from 12.

48th over - WICKET - White c Sidebottom b Wright 105 (Aus 220-4)
What a dreary old performance this is by England, locals leaving in their droves now. A wicket! White slaps Wright straight to Siders at extra-cover.

47th over - 220-3 Bresnan short and wide and Ferguson swats it to the fence, like shelling peas. Strangled lbw appeal from Bresnan against Ferguson, but it was sliding down leg. Bumper from Bresnan, but White saw it early and ducked it with ease. You don't bowl there to Ferguson - short and wide again and Ferguson laces him to the deep point boundary. Nine required from 18.

"That's enough for me too, Ben. Turn the lights off will you mate?"
Dinz in the TMS inbox

46th over - 210-3 Two singles means 22 are needed from 28 balls. Wright changes his pace up, Ferguson dashes and misses and Prior takes a nasty blow on his right hand. One for White with a drive to cover-point, Ferguson hits straight down the ground for one more. Australia have the hand-break off and they're rolling towards their target...

45th over - 205-3 All a bit late for England to be honest, like turning up at a party at 4am with a four tins of Watneys Red Barrel. White flicks Bresnan to square-leg for one before Ferguson gets off the mark off a misfield. Bresnan strays onto leg-stump and is helped round the corner for four by Ferguson, before Ferguson squirts a wide one over cover for three more.

"What a day. I skydive into the match with the matchball, as Team Leader of the ROYAL NAVY Raiders Parachute Display Team, hand it over to the third official, sit in the stands for the first two hours, then my son is sent to hospital with a rugby injury! Four hours in casualty, then home for the football, keeping one eye on BBC for the cricket (despite the score)."
Phil Gibbs, Lt Cdr Royal Navy, in the TMS inbox

44th over - WICKET - Clarke b Swann 52 (Aus 195-3)
High elbow from White and that's a crackerjack stroke, crashing Swann to the long-on fence. And that's White's maiden one-day hundred, and what a good one it's been, he's made it look easy when everyone around him has struggled. It came from 116 balls and included nine fours and one six. Clarke skips down the track and clips Swann over the fielder at mid-on to bring up his fifty. Ninety-one balls, just the one four. But Swanny slows things up next ball and cleans Clarke up, the Australia skipper charging and missing.

43rd over - 186-2 Clarke flicks Anderson to square-leg for a couple. Clarke comes down the track and is scythed in two before White moves into the nineties with a flip round the corner for four. Someone buy that man a shovel - White skies one and Bresnan drops a dolly coming in from long-on. Bresnan looks like a man who has accidentally run over his nan's pet cat. Strauss looks like his nan.

Richard in Marrakech from Sheffield via text on 81111: "Talking of multi-tasking I'm sat on my balcony in Marrakech flicking between the cricket and football on my phone whilst watching the French match and the lightning coming in over the city whilst looking after the missus who has the tummy rumbles all graciously topped off listening to the Village People on my ipod. Surreal."

"Can I just ask Steve Ditchburn (see below) how many seconds it was between England winning the Ashes and him forgetting? I suppose every time Andy Murray wins a tournament he forgets instantly, but should he lose a match he suddenly represents everything that's wrong with British sport... which for the record is in pretty healthy shape!"
Neil Smallwood in the TMS inbox

42nd over - 176-2 White opens his shoulders and carves Siders through the covers for a couple. Credit to the bowlers, they've done alright, it's the England batsmen who want words with themselves. Clarke shuffles across his crease and drives into the covers for one more before White picks up two with a clip to long-on. Misfield, the wheels are falling off for England. Steve Ditchburn, are you any relation to Ted Ditchburn, former Spurs legend and Romford sportshop proprietor?

41st over - 170-2Siouxie (see below), are you and Siouxie Sioux the only two people called Siouxie in the entire world? Drip-drip-drip, singles-singles-singles, before White adds two with a leg-side tickle.

"The excitement is all too much for me - off to bed to read some Wallander."
Siouxie, Capel Dewi, in the TMS inbox

40th over - 163-2 Interestingly, Australia choose to use their powerplay when they've got two specialist batsmen on the oche. Odd. BOOM! That's how Cameron White rolls, thwacking Sidebottom over wide long-on for Australia's first maximum of the series. That was wicked, and I mean that in the proper sense of the word. Great catch by some chap in the crowd, Australia require 66 from 60 after a few more singles.

"You know what will happen - England will lose easily but they will tell everyone they will learn from this and come back better and stronger. I think we've heard it all before especially from Mr Murray - why do British sportspeople think that we all appreciate them losing and that losing is in fact a better character builder than winning?"
Steve Ditchburn, a British expat usually in Malta but currently in Hungary, in the TMS inbox

39th over - 154-2 Anderson extracts something from the pitch, Clarke is deceived and he pops the ball up to imaginary silly mid-off. Deary me, that's not good cricket - stop-start stop-start between Clarke and White, before White is sent back. Meanwhile, Strauss backhands to Anderson at the bowler's end, but his reverse swipe misses the timbers and White gets home. Hmmm. Maiden over.

38th over - 154-2 Clarke climbs into a cover-drive, lovely shot, but Strauss saves in the covers. That would have hurt, but he waits a few seconds before wringing his hands, like a dad might so as not to appear weak in front of his children. There's the hundred partnership off 145 balls, Clarke easing Sidebottom through the covers for a couple.

"Ben, my multi-tasking skills are being put to the max this evening. I'm listening to the cricket and reading your commentary, watching the football and listening to Beethoven from the Proms from the kitchen radio. Very confusing when something exciting happens... (which has not been recently, so we're ok)."
Victoria (Sussex + Alastair Cook fan in London) in the TMS inbox

37th over - 151-2 Bresnan back on, and he's bowled pretty well so far. Short and Clarke swings him away for a single, before White has a windy woosh and picks up a couple off the outside edge. Four for Cameron White, the former Somerset man opening up his body and hoisting Bresnan to the wide long-on boundary. Seventy-eight required from 78 balls.

36th over - 144-2 Hello? Anybody there? Is it something I said? I ruddy love you guys. Clarke nicks a quick single with a drop down to point. This isn't a ferocious shark attack by Australia, it's more like England are being slowly masticated by a giant cow. Still, the run-rate still more than six.

35th over - 143-2 Disappointing from Swann so far, not much pressure applied and he's conceded 26 off four. Too many easy singles for this Aussie pair, as Clarke clips Sidebottom off his pads for one. White nudges to third-man to steal the strike.

34th over - 139-2 Clarke skews an inside-out drive down to third-man for one, before White clears his front leg and hammers Swann over extra-cover against the spin. Lovely shot, before White adds three more with an educated edge. Australia in danger of cruising this...

33rd over - 129-2 The run-rate up to six an over now. Clarke appears to be imbued with the spirit of Paul Collingwood at the moment, he's scratching about out there like a rabbit in a hutch. One for a shovel to mid-on, before White goes for some humpty, and very nearly holes out to Sidebottom on the square-leg boundary. Instead, it's a couple of runs to the total. Clarke with a doozy of a back-cut and he picks up three. One hundred needed from 102 balls.

32nd over - 123-2 There's Cameron White's fifty courtesy of another easy single to mid-wicket. Only his second half-century in ODIs, and it came from 78 deliveries and included five fours. One more from Clarke and one more from White with a clunk to long-on.

"My sincere apologies Carole! Although I had to Google Jan Francis and thankfully she looks nothing like her two brothers, Gerry and Trevor."
Simon in the TMS inbox

31st over - 119-2 Colly gets on the front foot and steers Collingwood through point for a single. Colly changes his pace up and White is almost deceived. Collingwood bowling off-cutters almost every ball now, and he draws a leading edge from White, who picks up one. Clarke pulls to Luke Wright in the deep and nicks a single. Pipe and slippers batting from Australia, White clipping to mid-wicket for one before Clarke replicates the stroke for one more.

30th over - 115-2 Two singles from the first two balls of Wright's over, before Anderson very nearly runs White out - he would have been out by miles, but his left-handed shy from a mere few feet away misses by a couple of yards. Australia require 114 from 20 overs.

"Oi Oi! Simon! Leave it son! No I am not Dirsy's mum, nor do I look like him in a dress - or indeed in anything else. I have been told I look a little like the actress Jan Francis - so there!"
Carole, Maidenhead, in the TMS inbox

29th over - 111-2 Collingwood back on with his dobblers and wobblers and cutters and scutters, and that's a tidy little over from the Durham nugget, nothing from it. Scratch that, Clarke makes room and carves Colly away for a couple, before he and White add a couple of singles. Weirdly, my mum used to look a bit like Jan Francis. Does your husband have a bubble perm like Paul Nicholas? Aaah, the Fragrant Jan Francis...

28th over - 107-2 Clarke with a streaky inside edge for one. The crowd, like my hair, thinning out a bit now, probably more interested in what's going on at Wembley. White picks up a single with a push to mid-off, Clarke follows up with a twirl into the covers for one more.

27th over - 104-2 A couple for Clarke with a guide through point, before the Aussie skipper is beaten in the flight but just manages to squirt Swann into the leg-side for one. White picks Swann off for another single, and there's not a lot in this pitch for the Notts spinner. Outside edge from Clarke, and he bags a couple. One more for Australia courtesy of a nibble to mid-on, and this is all looking very easy for the tourists.

26th over - 97-2 White nibbles Wright off his pads for one. Clarke feels outside off-stump and is beaten by Wright before Clarke rolls Wright off his pads to steal the strike.

25th over - 95-2 Time for the spin of Swann. Bit of turn back into White, but the batsman gets some wood on it. Bit of biff from White, swinging Swann over mid-wicket for four, before Clarke uses his feet and just manages to smother the turn.

"Just seen Terry Venables on the telly with a goatee. I cannot explain how silly he looks."
Paul Turpin in the TMS inbox

24th over - 89-2 News reaches me that Batman and Robin have had an altercation and have been ejected. Big man, Batman, although he's in bad shape. White nicks a single before Clarke twirls him down to third-man for one of his own.

23rd over - 87-2Simon (see below), I don't think Carole from Maidenhead is my mum, but then I haven't seen any photos, she might look like me in a dress. Just the three singles from Bresnan's over. It's not crash-bang wallop from Australia, but then it doesn't need to be.

22nd over - 84-2 Luke Wright to continue, the skiddy bowler from Sussex. Clarke nicks an easy single to point, before White picks up one to third-man courtesy of an educated edge. Gerrard makes it 2-0 at Wembley, it's stroll. Not so for England at the Rose Bowl, however.

"Benji (informal, it's after 8): Is Carole from Maidenhead your alter ego, your 'invisible friend' or your Mum?"
Simon in the TMS inbox

21st over - 82-2 Bit of bounce from Bresnan and White twirls him through point for one, like a matador swishing a cape. Clarke really dropping anchor out there, just eight runs from 26 balls. A bag of Revels for William, 19 and a half, who just made me laugh with an email I'm not allowed to print about his mother.

20th over - 79-2 White hammer-dammer-ding-dongs Collingwood over long-off for four, one bounce over the rope. One for Clarke with a push straight down the ground, but the skipper's looking a bit scratchy, and has done since the final Ashes Test at The Oval. White nicks the strike with a push into the covers.

19th over - 70-2 Bresnan to continue, and he's flipped to mid-wicket for one by Clarke. Otherwise it's manful bowling from the Yorkshireman, as a cheer goes up at the Rose Bowl - Lampard's just put England one up at Wembley.

18th over - 68-2 The Aussies require exactly five an over from here. White persuades Colly to long-on for one, Clarke whips him to square-leg for one of his own. A brace for White with a clip off his pads.

17th over - 64-2 Bresnan is Norris on the spot in this over, that's a maiden. All artificial now, the light that is.

16th over - 64-2 White decides to give it some humpty, lofting Collingwood over mid-on for a couple before very nearly holing out to long-off. Bit of width from Colly and White hum-dings him through cover-point for four. Anyone out there? The next person to make me laugh gets a bag of Revels.

15th over - 56-2 Bresnan is squeezed square by White for a single. Bresnan through Clarke like a dose of salts with one that nips back off the seam, but he follows up with a booming wide down leg-side. Clarke off the mark with a drop into the leg-side, before Clarke almost perishes taking a risky one, but the throw from Shah is awry. Carole (see below), I am as excited as I'd be just before opening my Christmas presents when I had already looked under my mum and dad's bed and so already new what I was getting.

"Hello Dirsy, just got in from work. So, tell me, how excited are you at this stage in the match?" Carole in Maidenhead in the TMS inbox

14th over - 52-2 Michael Clarke is next in, and this boy can bat a bit. The stand-in skipper blocks out the over.

14th over - WICKET - Paine lbw b Collingwood 29 (Aus 52-2)
Dinz (see below), the office is like the Marie Celeste... but not any more! This wicket could have been made bespoke for Paul Collingwood, and he gets one to dibble-dobble back at Paine and trap him plumb in front.

"Anyone left in the office Ben, or are they all off down the Dog and Whistle to watch the footy?"
Dinz in the TMS inbox

13th over - 50-1 Anderson has been given the elbow and it's time for Bresnan. Magnificent mackerel sky over the Rose Bowl now, like something Turner might have knocked up. The crowd getting a bit rowdy now, as White slashes Bresnan through point for four. Good comeback from Bresnan, beating White's outside edge.

12th over - 46-1 Sidebottom bumps Paine and is swung away for four. England all of a sudden looking pretty ragged. Paine creams Sidebottom through the covers for four more, Swann it is with the desperate dive, going down in stages like a stack of bricks.

11th over - 37-1 Paine flicks Anderson to fine-leg for a couple before flashing uppishly to third-man for two more. Should only have been one there, but Bresnan bobbled it. Anderson slides down leg, and White tickles him round the corner for four. Eight from that over, maybe time for Jimmy to have a blow.

10th over - 29-1 Paine moves to 13 with a tuck to fine-leg. Ugly old heave-ho from White, but he picks up an iffy single to mid-wicket. Paine uses his feet to Sidebottom and punches him through mid-off for four.

9th over - 22-1 Paine with a wristy flick to long-on for three, Wright just taking the sting out of it, although he should have done better. White rocks back and cuts, but Swann saves at point. Shinner! But Swann can raise a smile. Only the one scoring stroke again, Australia being throttled.

8th over - 19-1 White gets one in the Jacobs, and the replay gets the biggest cheer of the day. STREAKER! Down he goes under a hefty tackle from a steward. Lovely stuff... sorry, I meant to say no need for that... done White a favour though, that blow looked eye-watering. White stays back and is scythed in two by Sidebottom. As we suspected, not easy scoring on this track, a maiden...

7th over - 19-1 Paine waits on one and dabs Anderson to third-man for one. Too full from Anderson and Paine whips him away for one. Strauss has at least got some control.

6th over - 17-1 The crisp-hitting Cameron White, formerly of Somerset, is the next man up the ramp. Sidebottom keeps it tight, just one more from his over, an uppish flick off his pads from Paine. Here's a picture of Lee and Dave who work in a call centre. Wearing whites.

5th over - WICKET - Watson lbw b Anderson 7 (Aus 16-1)
Watson picks up a nifty three with a back-foot drive, before Paine opens the face and guides the ball past imaginary second slip for four. Maybe Strauss should have done better there, not much of a dive, if at all. And Anderson's made the breakthrough, getting one to nibble back at Watson and trapping him plumb in front.

4th over - 8-0 Hello you. I'm back now, so manually refresh so see my name at the top. Just the one off Sidebottom's second over, Watson opening the face and picking up a single to third-man.

3rd over - 7-0 Anderson starts the over with a superb delivery which just whistles past the edge of Watson's bat. Australia are finding it hard to get the ball away before Watson finally takes two from the final delivery. Dirsy's back now so thanks for your company and hit refresh again to see his name at the top of the page.

From andreiolay on 606: "I think we need Anderson to bowl very well or I don't think you will see England win."

2nd over - 4-0 Ryan Sidebottom takes the new ball from the other end and his first delivery is well wide of the off-stump. The evening sunshine casts shadows over the pitch with half the square now in shade and Paine, standing in the sunny bit, fails to score from any of the legal balls.

1st over - 3-0 Shane Watson and Tim Paine open for Australia with James Anderson first up for England. A single to each batsman sandwiching a wide make the visitors 3-0 after the first three deliveries before four dot balls complete the over.

1842: With Dirsy taking a break, I am going to guide you through the start of the Australia innings. To remind you they are chasing a victory target of 229 in a bid to go 3-0 up in the seven-match series. Please hit your refresh button to see my name appear magically at the top.

1810: Not great that from England's point of view, but, let's be generous, a sluggish pitch didn't help. I'm off for a break, see you in a few minutes...

50th over - WICKET - Sidebottom c White b Watson 24 (Eng 228-9)
Watson bowls the final over, and he chases Bresnan down leg-side and the Yorkshireman squeezes into the off-side for one. Sidebottom swats, skies, but picks up a couple. Two more for Sidebottom, making room and heaving Watson to wide long-on. A conference between Siders and Bresnan before the final ball, which Sidebottom cracks to White at long-off.

49th over - 222-8 Sidebottom playing some classy shots now, opening the face and gliding Johnson away for one. Bresnan plays and misses before making room and smearing into the off-side for one. Cracking shot from Sidebottom, rolling the wrists and picking up two to square-leg.

48th over - 217-8 A few singles before Sidebottom plays an educated edge to the third-man fence. Sidebottom equals his highest one-day score of 15 with a single into the covers.

47th over - 209-8 Sidebottom nibbles down to third-man for one. Bresnan flicks off his hip for a single before Sidebottom pulls Lee for four. Lee attempts a yorker, but Sidebottom plays that rather well, squeezing him into the covers for one. Bresnan has now made it highest score in ODIs, and he moves to 28 with a drive into the covers for two. Nifty glovework from Paine behind the stumps, who sticks out a right paw to prevent four leg-byes.

46th over - 200-8 Sidebottom goes for some humpty but misses a short one from Watson. Sidebottom very nearly runs himself out, but the throw from Clarke misses. Zadok the Priest! Some fours! Bresnan makes room and carves Watson over the top for four before clobbering an attempted off-break to the extra-cover boundary. Bresnan's caught down at third-man! But it's a no-ball! Too high from Watson. England bring up the 200...

45th over - 190-8 Lee bends his back and serves Sidebottom up some chin music, but the Notts swing-merchant plays it rather well. Slower ball fro Lee and Sidebottom is scythed in two. There's coach Andy Flower and skipper Andrew Strauss, who look like they're discussing how to break the news of the death of the family labrador to their five-year-old daughter. Shot again and Sidebottom very nearly holes out to mid-wicket. One for Sidebottom with a thickish edge, but that's the only run of the over.

Jamie via text on 81111: "Is it any surprise that the public aren't winning to spend their hard earned honk on these games? It's not as entertaining, the players look less interested and the county programme for next season shows where it is on the ECB's list of priorities."

44th over - 189-8 Sidebottom is the new man in the middle, and he's beaten first-up by Watson. England going nuts in this powerplay, three runs an over now... Siders is off the mark with a dab to third-man...

44th over - WICKET - Swann lbw b Watson 3 (Eng 188-8)
Graeme Swann is the new man in the middle and he's off the mark immediately with a single. One more apiece for Bresnan and Swann before Bresnan comes over all agricultural and misses out with an ugly old hoick. Down goes Swann, trapped bang in front... how many more of these games have we got?

43rd over - WICKET - Morgan c Johnson b Lee 43 (Eng 183-7)
Bresnan clears his front leg and smears to mid-wicket for one. Gareth (see below), call me posh, but I like to attend weddings and christenings sans Guinness stains on the lapels of my suit. No-ball from Lee, but Bresnan is unable to get him away. Morgan's gone, chipping Lee to the man at mid-off. Low full-toss, like a drunk at a wedding buffet, England aren't really filling their boots during this powerplay.

"Ben. You have a lady who does your dry cleaning? You've changed."
Gareth Williams in Norwich in the TMS inbox

42nd over - 179-6 POWERPLAY! Pull out the tin lids, Bresnan's about to go ruddy berserk. The burly Yorkshireman dabs into the off-side for no run. Short from Watson and Bresnan pulls him away for one. Crisp drive from Morgan, but only one for the shot.

41st over - 176-6 Morgan fishes and is beaten outside off by Johnson. Comedy fielding and comedy running from England, Morgan picks up one with a push down the ground. Bresnan and Morgan exchange singles... England need more than singles, they need twos, and threes and fours. And perhaps the odd six. Four singles from the over, many thanks to James (see below) for introducing me to the word "scrofulous". Magnificent.

"I had the misfortune to work in Romford (or Drofmor as we called it - more accurately I think) for 26 years. It is, without doubt, the most dreary, scrofulous hole and those years have taken a dreadful toll on my soul. I often saw Steve Davis and he seemed cheerful enough to be there. I've never trusted him since." James in the TMS inbox

40th over - 172-6 Bracken back on and Morgan twirls him to third-man for one. Bresnan picks up one from a slower ball, easing Bracken into the covers. Morgan with a single to deep cover, before Bresnan cue-ends down to third-man for one more. POWERPLAY! No?! Nope, can't be bothered... 240 a very decent score from here...

39th over - 165-6 Leg-side bumper from Johnson and it's called a wide. Apologies for getting the wickets wrong, I'll try harder. Bresnan with a quality leg-glance for four, lovely shot.

Anonymous via text on 81111: "So just remind me, if Strauss was the last Englishman to make a ODI century and I imagine our leading ODI scorer for the last 18 months, why did the selectors not want him near the squad before they were forced to when he was made captain?"

38th over - 159-6 Morgan goes aerial, thwacking Hopes over the long-on rope for six to move to 32. Two more singles, before Morgan dabs to mid-off to nick the strike.

37th over - 150-6 Strauss said Rashid wasn't picked because of "balance", which is strange, because this England side is about as balanced as a Daily Mail headline writer. DAMN THESE SWAN-EATING IMMIGRANTS! What? It was made up. Oh. Bresnan is next out of the hutch, and he's off the mark with a dab to third-man for one. One more single apiece for Morgan and Bresnan, before Johnson gets one past Bresnan's outside edge.

36th over - WICKET - Wright c sub (Voges) b Hopes 9 (Eng 147-6)
Morgan back-cuts to third-man for a single, he plays that shot well. Sorry, Wright's chucked his wicket away now, slashing straight to sub Voges in the covers. Talking... talking...

"Where does the England cricket team stay when touring South Africa? With their parents!"
Andrew Seale, Francistown, Botswana, in the TMS inbox

35th over - 145-4 Morgan nicks one with a steer into the covers. Bit of width from Johnson but Wright finds the fielder at backward-point. Wright chops into the off-side for a couple, England presumably holding the powerplay back for when Jimmy Anderson strides to the crease. A batting behemoth.

34th over - 141-4 The last one-day ton by an England batsman was hit by Andrew Strauss against West Indies in March. Long time ago that... just the single from Watson's over, hit by Eoin Morgan, from the final delivery. Runs aplenty at the Riverside, where opening pair Di Venuto and Coetzer put on 314 for the first wicket for Championship-chasing Durham.

"Any idea who was the last England batsman to get a one-day ton? It's been so long I have completely forgotten."
Matt, Kingston, in the TMS inbox

33rd over - 140-4 Luke Wright sees off the rest of Watson's over and we have time to dwell on another England wicket tossed away like an empty crisp packet. Wright opens up his stance, gets his front foot out of the way and rips Lee through the covers for four. Free hit, the Sussex biffer made the most of it. One more for Wright before Morgan pushes into the covers for a single. Morgan looks for a quick one, but is sent scurrying back by Wright. I've got someone looking into your enquiry Matt (see above), I'll get back to you.

32nd over - WICKET - Collingwood c Bracken b Watson 28 (Eng 132-5)
A couple of singles from Watson's over before Collingwood chips tamely to Bracken at mid-on... it's not getting any better...

31st over - 130-4 Good cricket from Collingwood who nicks a second run from a tuck round the corner. Short and wide from Lee and Collingwood dabs him to third-man for one. Aah, yes, the Prince of Style, so called because he wore a waistcoat and a piano key tie. If Rod Harrington really is the Prince of Style, then the woman who does my dry cleaning is his princess.

"And don't forget the 'Prince Of Style' Rod Harrington, born in Boreham. What would the world of darts be without him?"
Jim Emery in the TMS inbox

30th over - 127-4 Watson has got the pill in his mitts and he gets one to nibble back at Collingwood, but that was sliding down leg. The Durham nugget with a flick to square-leg for one and Morgan with a drive into the covers for a couple.

29th over - 123-4 A couple of singles, before Collingwood adds one more with a guide to point. Six singles from that over, Collingwood has only hit one scoring stroke worth more.

"Personally if Romford was wiped out by meteor, nuclear strike and by a stiff breeze, I'd be quite happy as my ex-girlfriend lives there in the flat that is still costing me a fortune every month."
Matt Wang in the TMS inbox

28th over - 118-4 Nice shot from Morgan, back-cutting for one. Collingwood forces down the ground for a single, he's now 21. A few boozy wails from the stands, I think we've got a Mexican wave...

27th over - 114-4 Reverse sweep from Morgan for four. That startled the horses a bit, good shot that. Morgan uses his feet again and clips Hauritz to long-off for one. "What's the difference between a pig and a man?" says Jeff Thomson on TMS. "A pig doesn't turn into a man when he has too much to drink..."

26th over - 107-4 A single apiece for Colly and Morgan, it's pretty soporific out there. One more single courtesy of a force from Collingwood to mid-off.

"Is it wrong that I couldn't read Dave's comment (see below) without sniggering rather than nodding sagely in agreement like a grown-up?"
Martin Tuttlebee in the TMS inbox

25th over - 104-4 Elegant little player, Morgan - he uses his feet and twirls Hauritz through the covers for one. Hauritz teases outside off and Collingwood flashes and misses. Only two sixes in this series so far, which rather sums it all up.

24th over - 102-4 That Strauss knock came from just 72 balls and included seven fours. Morgan got off the mark off Hauritz's over courtesy of a drive into the covers. Nice stroke from Morgan off Bracken, a willowy drive into the covers, and that's the ton for England. Collingwood and Morgan exchange singles, England badly need a partnership here.

23rd over - WICKET - Strauss c Clarke b Hauritz 63 (Eng 97-4)
Strauss is a goner, skipping down the track and clipping Hauritz to Clarke at mid-wicket. Not really his fault - trying to get things going, just a shame his team-mates aren't scoring runs.

22nd over - 97-3 Collingwood drives between the legs of bowler Bracken, who gets down rather stiffly, as if he's got broom handles strapped to his legs. Nice little dab from Strauss and he picks up a couple to third-man. A couple more singles, and Colly nicks the strike with a shovel to leg.

"Romford is like Hollywood compared to Slough. When Obi-Wan Kenobi said 'you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious', he was talking about Slough."
Matt, Kingston, in the TMS inbox

21st over - 92-3 Collingwood moves to nine with a nibble to mid-wicket before Strauss pushes to mid-on for one. England need a partnership here - a wicket goes down now, and this could get ugly. Slow and ugly, like More Than Words by Extreme.

"Congratulations on plumbing new depths in what passes as your cricket commentary. In response to the question "How do you respond to that?" (see below), could I suggest like a grown-up, as opposed to sniggering? I only came back from Cricinfo as their commentary was momentarily down and I'm instantly reminded of why I left. Pathetic."
Dave in the TMS inbox

20th over - 87-3 Strauss yanks Hopes round the corner for two. One more for Strauss, before Collingwood misses out with a pull. Colly looks like he's batting with a cement mixer at the moment, and he very nearly holes out at mid-wicket, but picks up one instead. Short from Hopes and Strauss rocks back and swats him to the wide long-on fence. That's the highest score by an England player this series, 58.

19th over - 76-3 Time for the tweak of Nathan Hauritz - apologies, I've been forgetting about the third England wicket the last few overs - and Strauss moves to his 17th ODI fifty with a nudge to mid-wicket. Collingwood trying to use his feet to Hautirz, but there's not much pace in this pitch and he's forced to block. Colly does pick up a single with a nurdle to wide long-on before Strauss nicks the strike.

18th over - 74-3 Single from Collingwood, and it's all rather meandering to be honest. Hosting seven one-day internationals after an Ashes series is like popping in for 180 chicken nuggets on the way home from Claridge's. Strauss has a chop outside off and misses, but he moves to 49 with a whip through mid-wicket.

"Re Graham Hancock (see below), Steve Davis was from Plaistow, East London, not Romford - Romford was where he learned his snooker craft. Being born and bred in Romford I would like to defend it from TMS's assaults. I'd like to, but can't bring myself to - hence why I left 20 years ago and only go back to see family."
Paul, Edinburgh, in the TMS inbox

17th over - 67-3 Strauss works Johnson off his pads for a single, but Collingwood is strangled to death for the rest of the over. Oh no he's not, he picks up a single with a, well you know what shot he played... drinks...

16th over - 65-3 Collingwood is the new man and he survives the final ball of Johnson's over. Strauss, looking on the bright side, looks in tremendous nick. Looking on the dull side, it just makes all his team-mates look doubly incompetent. A couple for the England skipper with a clip to mid-wicket and he picks up a single with another leg-side dab. Decent crowd in now, but the atmosphere is more Edison Lighthouse at the Northcott Theatre in Exeter than an international one-dayer.

"As a polymer scientist working for a plastics company, can we get back to the cricket and not mention polystyrene again? My life's dull enough as it is without it impinging on TMS."
John, Havant, in the TMS inbox

14th over - WICKET - Shah lbw b Johnson 8 (Eng 62-3)
One for Strauss with a glide to third-man before Shah has a horrible smear and is beaten by Johnson. Shah gone next ball, wafting across the line and being adjudged leg before - that hit him outside off and may well have been missing. Not a great decision by Umpire Hartley.

13th over - 61-2 Shah moves to eight with a push into the covers for two, but again Hopes keeps it tight, just the one scoring shot from the over.

12th over - 59-2 Shah gives Johnson some tap, clobbering him through the covers for four. One more for Shah before Strauss moves to 40 with a clip off his pads for two.

"Brilliant, a lingerie model who refuses to go on holiday in case people stare at her in her bikini - does she model for brail magazines only?"
Lee Berry, the Earl of Cheswick, in the TMS inbox

"Apparently Jimmy Saville once won the national championship in triple jump but got disqualified once they found out he'd fixed it."
Jon - trying to stay awake at work - in the TMS inbox

11th over - 51-2 James Hopes is into the attack, the man with the smallest forehead in the whole of sport. Strauss, with plenty of bottom hand, drags Hopes away for one. Tidy opening over this from Catfish, a bit of wobble to Shah, and the Middlesex man is content to block out the over.

"Ronnie O'Sullivan is from Ilford (Wanstead Park Road) and lives in Chigwell, Sally Gunnell is from Chigwell, Steve Davis and Frank Bruno are from south of the river but live/lived in Romford. Goochie is from Leytonstone. Also from Ilford are Modern Romance and half of Haircut 100 (Haircut 50?) and Dame Maggie Smith."
From Persemillion in the TMS inbox

10th over - 50-2 Shah is served up a wide full-toss by Johnson, but doesn't make contact. He grabs a single, but it's a nervy one. Shah asking you to take a single is like Jack the Ripper asking you if you fancy a stroll round the backstreets of Whitechapel. Short and wide from Johnson and Strauss whip-cracks him away for four through point. Strauss nicks the strike with a dab to point, and brings up England's fifty, and it's time for some drinks.

9th over - 41-2 Owais Shah, who is to running between the wickets what Jimmy Saville is to triple-jumping, is the new man at the crease. He survives the over.

9th over - WICKET - Prior c Hopes b Johnson 0 (Eng 41-2)
Here's Mitchell Johnson, and he has new batsman Matt Prior, attempting the glide down to third-man, beaten. Oh, and he's out next ball, pulling a short one down the throat of the man at short mid-wicket. A friend's girlfriend, who happens to be a lingerie model, said to me last night that she couldn't go on holiday to France with a bunch of mates because she was afraid all the men would stare at her in her bikini. How do you react to that? I sniggered.

"Personally I think today's team selection is spot on. Just like I think bankers should be congratulated for the excellent job they've done in the past few years, Steve McClaren should be remembered fondly for his time in charge of the England football team and that wasp should be thanked for stinging me on the ankle yesterday."
Tom in the TMS inbox

8th over - WICKET - Bopara c Hopes b Bracken 10 (Eng 41-1)
One for Strauss with a dab to gully, before Bopara perishes, going for the Hollywood shot over the top and holing out to the man at mid-off. Alas, the Forest Gate native has failed again.

"What's the sudden downer on Essex and particularly Romford? We brought you Fletch and Goochie, and lest you forget the likes of Sally Gunnell, Steve Davis, Ronnie O'Sullivan and Big Frank Bruno. Where would English sport be without these Titans?"
Graham Hancock in the TMS inbox

7th over - 40-0 Rolex timing from Strauss, persuading Lee through mid-wicket for four. Misfield by the man at short mid-wicket, and it was a no-ball as well. Lee goes leg-side, and Strauss squeezes square for a couple. Another peach of a shot from Strauss, pinging a half-bunger off his pads for four more. I have been told to tell you that the scorecard and proper commentary are working now. One more for the England skipper courtesy of nibble to mid-wicket.

6th over - 28-0 Lordy, lordy, short ball from Bracken and Bopara puts manners on it, clobbering it over long-on for six. Savage, yet beautiful. Apologies that the scorecard and audio doesn't seem to be working, we've got out best people on it. Single from Strauss, who moves to 18.

"Polystyrene (pronounced /?p?li?sta?ri?n/) (IUPAC Poly(1-phenylethane-1,2-diyl)), sometimes abbreviated PS, is an aromatic polymer made from the aromatic monomer styrene, a liquid hydrocarbon that is commercially manufactured from petroleum by the chemical industry. Polystyrene is one of the most widely used kinds of plastic. Seems a bit of a push doesn't it?"
Ryan from London in the TMS inbox

5th over - 20-0 Lee bends his back and beats Strass outside off-peg. Strauss steers through point for a couple before being beaten again, feet rooted to the spot and wafting windily.

"It's just like when the British Navy refused to use submarines years ago because they thought it was sneaky. Maybe the English cricket selectors seem to think that using good one-day players is also just not, well, cricket."
Butters in the TMS inbox

4th over - 17-0 Bracken, who appears to have inherited Farrah Fawcett's hair, raps Bopara on the pads, but the Essex man got a good stride in. Cheeky single from Bopara, and he very nearly runs himself out going for a second, but the throw was iffy. Bopara beams, you don't see that often nowadays. Sun out, looks like a doozy down on the south coast.

3rd over - 16-0 Thick outside edge for two from Strauss before Lee drops short and is swung away for four. Lee is being taken to Chinatown, Strauss driving through the covers for four before carving him away for four more Fourteen from that over. Dinz (see below), I'm afraid you're mistaken, that's Croydon. Romford's motto is: "Let's all have a disco".

"Ben, is it true that the motto on Romford's town crest reads 'Am I bovvered?'" Dinz in the TMS inbox

2nd over - 2-0 Bopara turns his first ball round the corner for one. Bit of nibble from Bracken, and Strauss goes a-chasing. Strauss goes for a stroll, he doesn't look too happy with himself, but he's under way with a nurdle to leg.

"Adil Rashid bowls 10 tight, consistent and effective overs, and bats for a quickfire, inventive 31 not out off 23 balls in the first ODI, and yet is dropped not once, but TWICE in a row as a result. Owais Shah, one of England's great underachievers, is brought in, and fails with the bat - and let's face it - not for the first time. What are the England selectors thinking? Is it just me, or are we not learning lessons from previous mistakes?"
Andy Robinson in the TMS inbox

1st over - 0-0 Plenty of empty seats around at the Rose Bowl, why do I get the feeling 50-over cricket's just not getting the juices flowing these days? Short from Lee outside off-stump, and Strauss gets an under-edge. Pitch looks a little bit sluggish to be honest, not much going on in that first over.

"Dirs, what is with all this negativity from the start?! Let's at least give them a chance to utterly balls it up and then get on their backs. Having said that, it is utterly bemusing that Rashid isn't in the side."
Graeme, London, in the TMS inbox

1430: Players are out - Bops and Strauss entering the fray to Men At Work - and we'll have play in a minute or so.

"You have got to love England's selection policy today: bury your head in the sand and pretend nothing is wrong.
Class." Matt, Kingston, in the TMS inbox

"My mum's from Essex and I hope it wouldn't survive a nuclear war."
Peter Hall in the TMS inbox

"What does Adil Rashid have to do to get in the side? Has he offended the selectors in some way? This team selection beggars belief!"
Aneesh, Brussels, in the TMS inbox

1423: Bit of weather around in Southampton, but we're starting on time, which is good of them. News reaches me that Manchester United ace Patrice Evra wants to do a TV comedy with Park Ji-Sung when he hangs his boots up. Couldn't be any worse than Two Pints.

England: Andrew Strauss (captain), Ravi Bopara, Matthew Prior, Owais Shah, Paul Collingwood, Luke Wright, Eoin Morgan, Graeme Swann, Jimmy Anderson, Ryan Sidebottom, Tim Bresnan.

Australia: Shane Watson, Tim Paine, Cameron White, Michael Clarke (captain), Callum Ferguson, Michael Hussey, James Hopes, Mitchell Johnson, Brett Lee, Nathan Hauritz, Nathan Bracken

1417: Bit of bounce in the deck in Southampton, apparently, which should encourage the Aussie pacemen no end. "Fabio Capello has vowed not to be another wally with a brolly at Wembley tonight," says The Sun. Based on the fact he said "the weather will be dry" when asked if he would be carrying a brolly. Extraordinary.

1411: Romford, a remarkable place. I saw a man - a grown man - give a stranger a 'peanut' (tie-wise) on the train on the way in. Because he was snoring. I'm convinced that if a meteorite were to hit the planet, and Romford were the only settlement to survive, within 100 years the most technologically-advanced object known to man would be the yellow polystyrene kebab box.

1405: Afternoon. The third one-dayer today, England really need to win this one. Can someone please explain something to me? How did the selectors' meeting go? "Nah, Jonathan Trott's no good at medium length cricket - short cricket, long cricket, but medium cricket, no good, Eoin Morgan's obviously better." "Remarkable team news" says Nasser Hussain on learning England are unchanged from the other day - Adil Rashid not picked, same mediocre outfit as England picked the other day. Andrew Strauss has won the toss and England are going to have a bat. Australia unchanged, and why would they?