1818:
Yup - that's our lot. Bad light ends play. Smashing day of Test cricket - Dirsy in the hot-seat on Saturday, as I'll be in the stands at Edgbaston on a day off. With a brolly, probably. Super emails and texts as always. Happy weekending.

1805:
Rain now. Stand up and dust the crumbs off your trousers.

1801:
And here come the big covers too. Start gathering up your bits and bobs.

1756:
Covers on at Edgbaston - mainly as a precaution, but it's pretty gloomy out there. They need to be playing again by 1830 or we're done for the day. Am I optimistic? In general, yes - about play today, hmmm.

1753:
Tell you what - you couldn't manually refresh for me, could you?

1749:
Time for me to say adios and hasta manana, it does look a little light-shy out there in the west Midlands right now. Anyway, Tom is back and set to entertain until close.

1745: Eng 116-2
That swing from the over before must have been some sort of David Copperfield-like illusion because he is swinging as much as a Radiohead song right now. Strauss paddles a short ball on leg around the corner for a simple single, while Bell returns the compliment with a leg-side tickle. Uh-oh, the umpires are converging - Rudi K turns towards the England duo and it looks as if the light has been offered. And oh dear, the batsmen have accepted.

1741: Eng 113-2
Strauss tickles a single off Hauritz as Bell keeps a sturdy vigil outside of his off stump as the off-spinner sends down a couple of tempting loopers in that area.

From Alex, on the 16.00 from Paddington to Bath Spa, text 81111: "I'm sat next to either Stavros Flatley or his clone. I haven't seen him dance yet, so cannot confirm the sighting."

1739: Eng 112-2
Johnson raps Ian Bell with a 91.6mph missile which curls from outside off stump to rap the front pad right in front of middle. Somehow Rudi Koertzen shakes his head - instantly - while replays suggest the ball would have clattered his middle stump back into the Hollies Stand. Very fortunate - and Bell knows it - as he smears a front-foot drive through cover for four before playing a similar shot a few balls later, although this one is partially stopped by the fielder to restrict the duo to a couple.

Matt, London, TMS inbox: "To Simon in the Congo, Would you mind picking me up some Um Bongo? Thanks."

1732: Eng 106-2
Belly sends his former coach Duncan Fletcher into raptures (probably) as he descends on one knee and sweeps Hauritz for a single. Meanwhile his skipper is seeing the red Dukes ball like a zorb as he scythes a wide delivery outside off stump through cover point for boundary number 10. Time for a refreshing beverage. Mine's a green tea.

From Clarky, text 81111: "That's England's first six of the ashes - look forward to seeing more on the weekend. "

1728: Eng 101-2
In the spirit of KP, Strauss brings up England's century with a energy beverage single off the returning Mitchell Johnson, although Ben Hilfenhaus' shy from mid-off was nowhere near the timbers, but Strauss' body length dive indicates he isn't taking any chances. Some slight deviation in the air for Johnson, who beats the left-hander outside off stump. Encouragement for the beleaguered Queenslander. Wonder if his mum has laid off after last week's rant against his soon-to-be missus.

1723: Eng 99-2
Hauritz turns temptress with well-flighted deliveries outside Bell's off stump, but the Warwickshire man is stretching his front foot as much as possible to negate any tweak off the deck. Maiden over.

1720: Eng 99-2
Strauss brings up his 15th Test half century with a cover drive for four, despite the endeavours of the chasing fielder, whose sprawling boundary-edge dive is all for nothing. The England skipper goes one better with a Tendulkar-like front-foot push straight past the bowler's follow through for a boundary.

1716: Eng 91-2
Strauss turns a Hauritz faster ball around the corner for a single, a shot which would have earned him more were it not for a smart diving stop from Ben Hilfenhaus. Hello! What's this? Ian Bell turns into Stavros Flatley, skipping down the wicket and thumping the off-spinner straight back over his head for six. All this playing for KP stuff has gone to his head. Tremendous shot. just don't do that again...

From Simon, Pointe-Noire, Congo, in the TMS inbox: "I am sitting in an office in Congo listening to the match on TMS (don't ask how this is possible). My colleague is listening in the next office, but for some reason his computer is streaming about 30 seconds ahead of mine and every time England lose a wicket he comes walking in to my office with an expression of gloom to let me know. I am developing a Pavlov's Dog syndrome whereby whenever I see his face I get depressed"

1713: Eng 81-2
Still no Johnson as Hilfenhaus is neatly turned to leg by Strauss for a couple. A little wobble in the air but nothing to concern Strauss, who plays the remainder of the over with a bat straight out of the MCC coaching manual.

1708: Eng 79-2
Peter Siddle turns Mr Whippy as he serves up a full-toss on leg stump, complete with raspberry sauce, as Ian Bell licks the ball through midwicket for a confidence-boosting boundary. Siddle's Jokeresque lips turn the air blue, but his two remaining deliveries are too wide to do anything with.

From Duncan Reid, Plymouth, TMS inbox: "Handy blokes indeed (see 1656). However, hope they don't build my house like they played cricket this innings - solid start but collapsing half-way through..."

1705: Eng 75-2
Hilfenhaus looks to the skies after Andrew Strauss threads a gorgeous drive through cover for his sixth boundary of his innings, the sort of shot you want to go to bed with for the rest of your life. The Hilf almost has his revenge with a fast, inswinging yorker, only for Strauss to jam his bat down on his toes to squirt the ball to relative safety. However, the Tasmanian's gaze heads skywards once more as he drops short outside off stump, allowing Strauss ample time to scythe the ball behind point for boundary number seven.

1701: Eng 67-2
Bell, blondish/gingerish wisps escaping from the back of his helmet, plays an immaculate front-foot forward defensive to the returning Peter Siddle. He brings up his 10,000th first-class run with a classy flick off his pads for two.

1656: Eng 65-2
The Hilf and his sizeable left boot oversteps the popping crease, but manages to get his angles right with the remaining six balls from the over, which Strauss watches without too much alarm. Handy man to know is our Ben, a brickie in his pre-cricket days. Mitch Johnson worked for a plumbing company while Peter Siddle is a champion woodcutter. These are the boys you need to know when you're building a house.

From Sarah, Bucks, text 81111: "I imagine Bell to walk out every time while humming EMF's Un-Bell-ievable to himself. "

1652: Eng 64-2
Risky cricket from Andrew Strauss, who opts to shoulder arms to an arm ball outside off stump, but umpire Aleem Dar does that thing with his head to suggest the ball wouldn't have hit the timbers. Still, heart in mouth time for the skipper, who whips a single to leg and steals the strike from the last ball of the over.

1650: Eng 63-2
Nice shape from the Hilf, who is finding some banana-like movement outside Bell's off stump. A huge cheer - hopefully not ironic - greets a gentle back-foot push through the covers as Bell scores his first run of the 2009 Ashes series.

From Trevor, Irish Cricket fan, TMS inbox: "Don't be too cocky the Aussie were 126 for 1 at one stage and England have been know to blow up in the past."

1645: Eng 60-2
Hauritz is aiming for the footmarks outside Strauss' off stump from around the wicket and the off-spinner sees the left-hander play an ugly mow which would make Caroline of Brunswick wince - no-one wants to see that. Good over from Hauritz, the complexion of his match has just taken another twist...

1642: Eng 60-2
Just when all was looking sedate as a doctor's medicine cupboard, Bopara lazily plays on as he hangs his bat out to a ball which doesn't really do anything outside off stump. It takes a sizable chunk of the inside edge before rattling into his off stump. That's Hilfenhaus' 10th wicket of the series. Out comes Ian Bell, a man who is attempting to signal his confidence with what can only be described as a strut. The Hilf pings down a couple of shape away from the bat, but Bell opts for prudence and shoulders arms.

1638: Eng 60-2 WICKET Bopara bowled Hilfenhaus 23
RAVI'S PLAYED ON!

1636: Eng 60-1
Not content with the offerings at tea, Hauritz feeds Strauss the juiciest of long-hops outside off stump, giving the England captain ample time to rock back and crash the ball through cover point for four. A similar delivery finishes the over, only for Strauss to find the scampering fielder at cover.

1631: Ricky Ponting leads his team out, with Peter Siddle hooping his arms around in circles as if he has two enormous invisible sparklers in both hands. Nathan Hauritz to bowl the first over after tea.

1627: Nessun Dorma still produces penalty missing-induced tears, the Gary Lineker nod, point to the eye followed by the "have a word" as Gazza wept. Anyone else wonder who "Ian Cheddo" was when Pavarotti was warbling those high notes?

1622: Hola mis amigos, you have a new commander at the helm of the good ship Textcom. Why not bash F5 for the 4563rd time today, or go for the old skool refresh button at the top of your web browser to see my name appear. Strains of "Nessun Dorma" are ringing out around Edgbaston as former Villa favourite and England manager Graham Taylor joins the TMS team for a chat about the late Sir Bobby Robson, alongside England's elite director of rugby Rob Andrew, one of those annoying people who could have played top-flight cricket as well as punt huge spiral kicks to touch for his country.

1610: TEA Eng 56-1
Hauritz twirls quietly away, although for a while that was just 'uitely' - there seems to be a solid crumb trapped under the 'q' key on my keyboard. I blame the mid-afternoon granola madness that enveloped the commentary slots. Time for one more from Johnson - smashes back down the ground by Strauss for his fourth four. That's tea - a partnership of 54, Skipper on 33, Bopper on 23. Anyone for a coconut ring?

From Mark near Bath, TMS inbox: "Mr Angry should take a lesson from our glorious leader. He's locked in his office, cricket on his computer and radio on in the background. He's a fine example of true leadership in these precarious times and we fondly refer to him as Mr Workshy."

1605: Eng 50-1
Johnson's already got the hangdog look of a man with a hectoring partner chasing him round his own house. To be fair that's a better over - only one slingy fizzer out wide - and Bopper is drawn into a rash slash that gathers nothing but air. Two guided through point off the open face. Of the bat.

From Richard Deal, TMS inbox: "What exactly does a chimney sweep look like? Wearing whites would be unusual."

1602: Eng 47-1
Twirl and tidy tweak from Hauritz. Strauss paddles away for one as Stumper Manou sweeps round with his cavernous yellow mitts.

From Paul in Lancs, TMS inbox: "Richard in Northampton (1526hrs) Thanks for that useful information. My daughter did say that the police would be coming straight round to have a 'discussion' with me about my family's needs. I have to say I'm most impressed both by North Surrey Police Cricket Club's eagerness to get my kids into the game and their geographic spread."

1558: Eng 46-1
Widespread mockery as Mitchell Johnson is handed the ball. This could be interesting. Flicker off the pads from Strauss for one, another so wide Mr Tickle couldn't have reached it and another that Bopper stands up and spanks off the back foot for a joyously-received four. This could be fun.

From Lee Parker, TMS inbox: "Anyone on the 2.07pm London to Liverpool? I have a Tim Boon lookalike in front of me, he assures me he's not Boon himself."

1554: Eng 41-1
Useful tweakage here from Hauritz. Strauss is a millimetre of wrist turn away from flicking one into Katich's greedy pouch, and when the ball squirts into the covers Bopara trots down to smother and kill.

From Mr Angry, TMS inbox: "Thanks Ravi, that four through extra cover was all I needed, caught three on them red-handed."

1551: Eng 40-1
Sid's got an almost permanent strop on here. He bashes one into the deck - ignored by Bopper - and then repeats the trick to little avail. Could be time for a breather for The 'dler.

From Adam, TMS inbox: "Does anyone else think that Punter looks like a chimney sweep?"

1547: Eng 39-1
Ponting chomps on his gum and signals for Nate Hauritz to take a joust. Aarghh - bad-pad chance off a stretching Strauss, but it falls just shy of the diving Katich under the lid at short leg. Damp palms are wiped on trouser legs.

From Tom Buckland, Sussex, TMS inbox: Re 15:22 - can I just pick you up on the very politically incorrect contents of your statement. In future please refer to Merv Hughes as corpulent or differently weighted please."

1542: Eng 38-1
Roight, says Sid - it's time to crank it up. A short one whistles past Strauss's dipping lid, another fizzes past a prodding outside edge and a third sits up and gets spanked out to the man on the midwicket fence for one. Hello - that's a shot from Bopper, going onto one knee to drive flamboyantly past a toiling Watson at mid-off for his third four.

From Alex, somewhere approaching Stoke, text 81111: "Tim, think I'm on the same train, if you're eating Monster Munch I'm two seats to your left. We should get a little Ashes group in the buffet coach."

1539: Eng 33-1
Beer goes flying in the fun seats as Strauss steps into Hilfenhaus and smacks him through cover for four. Next ball he waits for a shorter wider one and glides it away off an open face for four more past a tumbling Hussar at gully.

From Mr Angry, TMS inbox: "I'm currently hiding behind my office door ready to pounce on my staff who are obviously watching the cricket on the internet. It took me 10 years to be in a positon to be able to do this and some of these jokers have only been here 5 minutes. The next wicket or boundary and I've got em."

1535: Eng 24-1
Anything you can do, intimates The Bopper, striding into a fuller one from Snarling Sid and drilling it with front elbow high past a scampering mid-off.

From Simon Bourne, TMS inbox: "Simon in Nottingham - Butler says Gammon is a bit off. He can provide some nice salt beef sandwiches - with English mustard naturally. Communications via the GSi may be automatically logged, monitored and/or recorded for system efficiency and other lawful purposes."
Nice offer, Simon, although an unsettlingly formal conclusion to your missive.

1530: Eng 20-1
Oh, that's dreamy from Strauss, on-driving the goateed Hilfers with timing and grace for a don't-bother-chasing boundary. Not much swing for the Aussie pair at the mo - although, he adds hastily, no-one's trying to say that they can't or won't swing it in the future.

From Jamie Goldthorp, TMS inbox: "My wife has a huge crush on Steve Harmison, to the point where she tried to persuade me that 'Harmison' would be a good middle name for our first son. However, biased as I am, I still think he deserves a crack (at the Aussies, not at my wife)."

1526: Eng 16-1
Yup - definitely a dwarf behind The Swerve. He's in an Australian tracksuit, and no, it's not Ricky Ponting. Watchful from The Big Bopper as Siddle strains for some bounce from this dark, smudged track.

From Richard, Northampton, TMS inbox: "Re: Paul in Lancs (1502) - It's the North Surrey Police Cricket Club. They don't have a bad side, but hardly worth any support outside close friends and family."

1522: Eng 15-1
Merv Hughes there in the stands, carrying even more timber than he was in his playing days. A somewhat Cruella de Ville style two-tone grey and white tinge to his 'tache - and is that a dwarf sitting behind him? I'm aware you'll think I'm making this up. Gentle drive down the ground from Strauss for three as Hilfers over-pitches.

From Dr Burgess, Norwich, text 81111: "Can you please tell my patients that the moans coming from my surgery are completely innocent . If England stopped throwing away golden opportunities then heart disease would be less of a problem in this country. If this test goes to Monday I'll be going sick with swine flu."

1517: Eng 12-1
Siddle again, wincing his way in with that white sweatband tugged halfway up his arm. Strayer onto Strauss's hips for one, over-corrector onto The Bopper's toes for two more. Should you be feeling peckish, I should tell you that tea's been delayed until 1610 to make up some of the overs lost on Thursday. Can someone give their butler a nudge and get him to pop down to the kitchen for an emergency leg of gammon?

From Kevin, Birmingham, text 81111: "Tim on the train, my wife is on the same train I think. Can you tell her I'll be late home today and good luck with the kids?"

1513: Eng 9-1
Here comes Bopara, and that's his summer encapsulated in two shots - a racy flick off his front pad for four, and a squirty uppish edge past a back-pedalling point for a streaky four. Right decision from Punter to leave Mitchell Johnson housed so far, you'd have to say.

From Phil, TMS inbox: "Latest Bloomberg news report headlined: 'Recession Worse Than Prior Estimates, Revisions Show'. Just shows that wicketkeepers make useless economists."

1510: Eng 2-1
Loose shot from Cook, I'm afraid to report. Didn't do much in the air or off the track, just ran across his bows and induced a nervy fling of the blade. Fine tumbler of a snag from debutant Manou too, and that's put a beamer under his new baggy green.

From Ben at work in Ipswich, text 81111: "This is marvellous! We only need 63 to avoid the follow-on."

1506: WICKET - Cook c Manou b Siddle 0, Eng 2-1
Siddle, snarling his way in, lips smeared with zinc cream - angles it across Cook, thin edge, diving catch - Australia are going salted nuts...

From Paul in Lancs, TMS inbox: "Just to confirm to Andy Rawle (1142hrs) that I've taken his advice and am now starving the children while I focus wholly on the rest of the Ashes. One of them's asked me to quickly google the number for the NSPCC between innings. I know CC stands for Cricket Club though not sure about the rest. Great to see she's really getting into it, though."

1502: Eng 0-0
Here we go - three slips and a gully in, Hilfenhaus to seize the cherry. Happy cheers as Strauss pops one off his pads to get the innings off and running. Chirp of all sorts from the close fielders.

1459: Shane Watson, who probably feels like a man who has seen his extra big buffet plate smash in two after his first-ball dismissal this morning, is launching into his mock run-up as Alastair Cook and Andrew Strauss saunter out to a huge round of cheers from the Edgbasters crowd.

From Henry, Leeds, TMS inbox: "I taught my then one-year-old the Rudi K slow finger of doom. She heard Aggers on the radio exclaim 'Out! Bowled!' and then repeated said finger with one hand and pointed to her Weetabix with the other."

1451: Full-pitched, moving away - Hilfenhaus had a slash at it, got a fat edge and watched it fly straight down Swann's throat at gully. 4-58 for Onions, 5-80 for Anderson, and England will be delighted with the day's work. So far...

1449: WICKET Hilfenhaus c Swann b Onions 20, Aus 263 all out
Put those pint-pots down - it's all over...

From Tim, on one of Branson's finest, text 81111: "On a train from London back to Manchester with a group of disgruntled Aussies who not only are having to endure my whoops of delight and unnecessarily loud commentary, but have also got on the wrong train to get to Birmingham. An unscheduled trip to Milton Keynes Central for them. It doesn't rain but it pours, hey lads?!"

1444: Aus 257-9
It's no Monty and Jimmy on the burning bridge at Cardiff, but this last-wicket stand is starting to get under the bowlers' skin. 28 runs and 35 minutes now - nothing to spoil the day, but plastic pint-pots raised by the gold-shirted Aussie fans.

From Gareth in Woking, TMS inbox: "I have been trying to play a similar game with my five-year-old daughter for weeks. I have made some truly amazing drawn out appeals only to get the slow Steve Bucknor head shake. For my wife, the little darling has developed a trigger finger and states with glee: 'Eleanor's given it'."

1437: Aus 254-9
Is it time for some Fred? It is - slow start from the Mighty Unit, aiming outside off and letting Hilfers leave alone with jumping relief. Full-throated chorus from the Barmy Army as lunchtime tipples zip round bloodstreams.

From Dan in Culham, TMS inbox: "Re Charles in Barbados. I'm all for devotion to the glorious game but isn't naming your two-year-old Howzat going a bit far?"

1431: Aus 253-9
What sort of clown would make disparaging comments about Hilfenhaus's batting? He moves to 15 with a late tipple off the pads, and the partnership edges up to 24. Tricky one, this - Strauss wants to keep an uber-attacking field in place, but runs are leaking in frustrating fashion. He adjusts his shades and licks his palms in tigerish fashion before clapping them together and yelling patrician exhortations.

From Dr Nick Swift, TMS inbox: "Great time here in the stands at Edgbaston."

1426: Aus 246-9
Onions with a rapid lifter - Hauritz hooks with eyes shut and this is surely it - Bopara running back from backward point to take the pouc... he's dropped it! Lord alive - it was coming over his shoulder, but at no sort of pace. Should have snagged that every time. Heads shake all around.

From Charles in Barbados, TMS inbox: "Cruising the Caribbean teaching my 2 year old 'Howzat' followed by the Rudi slow finger of death...much to displeasure of my Aussie wife."

1422: Aus 240-9
Get your trainers on Dirsy - Hilfers edges wide of gully for two fours.

From Simon Roe in Amsterdam, TMS inbox: "Dear Tom, do you have McGrath's contact details? I would like a brief word."

1416: Aus 230-9
Ben Hilfenhaus strides out. He's brought his bat, but he might as well have left it in the hutch - three airy pokes at the returning Onions, and he has as much chance of laying blade on that as Ben Dirs does of winning the London Marathon.

From Wesley in Bristol, TMS inbox: "I know it's highly illegal, but any chance you can call the fire brigade and advise them that there is smoke bellowing from my office window? Having had the best pub lunch ever which involved 2 lagers, 4 wickets and a rather tasty pickled onion I'm craving more."

1410: Aus 229-9
Five wickets for 20 runs for Jimmy today, and that ball would have sent the classiest of acts packing. That's his seventh fivefor in Tests. Caps doffing around Edgbaston.

1410: WICKET Siddle c Prior b Anderson 13, Aus 229-9
Another brute of an in-dipper - it's moved off the pitch too, and Siddle can consider himself a fine player to have managed to get a nick on that...

From Paul, London, TMS inbox: "I don't see how Broad has kept his place. All national sides should be based on form and Broad just hasn't cut it of late. Harmison, on the other hand, is taking wickets for fun. Get Harmison in and we'll have a really strong bowling attack."

1407: Aus 229-8
Drive from Hauritz for three, dab away from Siddle for another. Votes cast so far: 80% in favour of Broaders taking a breather. And counting.

From Lloyd Brown, TMS inbox: "Can we stop having a pop at Trevor Francis moves in the transfer market? Any manger could have seen that Cantona wasn't up to standard and not offer him a contract."

1402: Aus 225-8
Beautiful stuff again from Jimmy. He's getting the ball to dip in viciously late, as it if it's bending round a banked turn. Hauritz is done all ends up by one, gets a skinny inside edge down to fine leg on another and then leans back to slap a looser one over point for four. Oooh - there's the away-swinger - edge from Siddle, just shy of Colly at third slip.

1359: Aus 220-8
I might try a brief and in-no-way-accurate vote, based on what lands in the TMS inbox and 81111 in the next ten minutes: should Stuart Broad remain in this England team? Onto the legs of Siddle - four through midwicket - bender outside off, edged along the ground for four more. 0-47 off 12 so far. Je ne sais pas.

1355: Aus 212-8
Splendid spell from Jimmy, this. He's getting all sort of wobble on these - angling them into the pads of the right-handers, darting them away the other way. Huge shout against Siddle - just sliding down leg, says Aleem Dar, and to be fair that's a decent call.

1351: Aus 209-8
That's better from Broad - fuller in length, right on off-timber, bending away to leave Hauritz and then Siddle fencing uncertainly. Maybe Trevor mentioned the way he tried to base his defence around the pace and elegance of Andy Pearce. Shudder.

BBC Sport's Oliver Brett on Twitter: "Bet the very quiet Aussies here wished they weren't wearing their day-glo gold colours...A good day for them to be anonymous...so far."

1348: Aus 208-8
What a line-up in the stands there - Skinner (Frank), Major (John), Francis (Trevor). Major's having a good old smirk - either Frank's just rattled through one of his stand-up routines, or Trevor has just recounted how he paid £3m for Andy Sinton at a time when that would have bought you Romario. Super over of bend and menace from Anderson, and the grinning Siddle can't get anywhere near it.

1343: Aus 207-8
Here we go - Stuart Broad, a somewhat surprising choice to get us going again post-sangers. Wide outside off, punched off the back foot for two by Nathan Hauritz, a couple missed down leg and then one brushhed of the pads for two more. Ou est l'Oignons?

1337: Out wander the Aussie batsmen Peter Siddle and Nathan Hauritz just as Shane Warne departs the TMS commentary box after absolutely laying into former Australia coach John Buchanan. Safe to say no Crimbo cards will ever be exchanged between those two. James Anderson to bowl the first over after lunch.

Robert King, TMS inbox: "When it is lunch, do the players from both teams sit in the same room, but at separate tables? Or are they in different rooms? Or how about the chairs of the 13 outfield players at the time lunch was taken are arranged to replicate the field of play? That could be fun with Freddie fielding at first slip, breathing heavily onto the side of Nathan Haurtiz's prawn sandwich."

Adam, London, TMS inbox: "Since we're recounting dreams, last night I dreamt I was a Roman centurion and had been asked to find some piglets to sacrifice. Instead I went to Sainsbury's, stole some tomatoes and got arrested."

1323: Over on TMS, we have detailed accounts from Ashley Giles and Steve Harmison, two of the protagonists involved in the remarkable 2005 Test match at Edgbaston. Definitely worth a cocked ear.

Adam, London, TMS inbox: "Did anyone do 'Manou Chao' yesterday?"

From Anon, text 81111: "Glad I went yesterday rather than today. I would have had not enough opportunities to get through nine pints in the rain."

From Steve, Bloxwich, TMS inbox: "I had a dream the night before last in which I was playing left-back for Chelsea. I cleared a wildly bouncing ball over our own bar, with an outrageous bicycle kick. I neither support Chelsea, favouring the mighty Wolves, and couldn't kick a sleeping two-legged cat."

From Andy, Manchester, text 81111: "No doubt Punter will be calling for more BRAAANDY at lunch!"

1302: LUNCH Aus 203-8
That's the end of the session - standing, bawling ovation from the Edgbaston crowd, and if the smile on Strauss's face gets any bigger he'll swallow his own ears. Anderson and Onions lead England off the field - waving to the air-punching masses. Seven wickets for 77 runs in that stunning two hours. Remarkable.

1301: Aus 203-8
Anyone remember a morning like this? Anyone fancy a lunchtime commemorative tattoo?

1258: WICKET Manou b Anderson 8, Aus 203-8
Hauritz and Manou, sounding like a pair of 19th century explorers. Three slips in - and none of them are needed, because Jimmy has smashed the timbers of Manou into three very discrete pieces...

From David in Gerrards Cross, TMS inbox: "This is a collapse of English proportions!! I'm loving it."

1251: 202-7
Anderson on a hat-trick - we'll deal with the descriptions in a moment... Nathan Hauritz on strike - ooooh, struck on the thigh pad and survives. Those wickets - North had a feet-nailed slash at one angled across him, got a big edge and **** start of clause you never thought you'd read **** Prior took a one-handed diving catch at full stretch *** end of clause ***. Mitchell Johnson barely had time to look around before he was walking back off again - trapped in front by a fast slider, sent packing by Rudi's FoD. Was it a bit high? Probably... Double wicket maiden from Jimmy, and what a transformation this is.

1249: WICKET Johnson lbw Anderson 0, Aus 202-7
AND ANOTHER!

1248: WICKET North c Prior b Anderson 12, Aus 202-6
And another!

From Rich, Cardiff, text 81111: "I had a dream last night that I was batting and facing Onions - knocking him all over the park, I was. Strange, as I am not an Aussie and can't bat to save my life."

1244: Aus 202-5
Who's this to the fore? Graham Manou, that's who - and if you were weren't reading yesterday afternoon, we've covered all the joyous puns already. I think. Good start from the back-up stumper - four popped fine off the pads, another pulled straight through Bell at short leg as Broad wavers badly again.

1239: Aus 193-5
Rapid in-swinger, Clarke falling over towards the off side - it looked plumb first off, but on second glimpses I'm not so sure that wasn't doing too much. Umpire Rudi K raises his Finger of Doom at the speed of Tower Bridge going up, and Clarke is on his way. Big wicket after that drop and earlier plumb ell bee - four wickets 68 in this session, and Strauss's men are loving those numbers.

1238: WICKET Clarke lbw Anderson 29, Aus 193-5
Jimmy looking for better this ov.... HE'S FOUND IT!

From Derek, London, text 81111: "Intrigued that Warwick Richard thinks a 1956 calendar would pre-include the events of that year. What does his 2009 calendar say will happen tomorrow?"

1235: Aus 193-4
At last Onions takes a breather - wonderful spell, and there'll be more from him this afternoon for sure. Stuart Broad to take over - and that's not the best, a wide one drilled away to deep point for two by Clarke and a help-yourselfer outside off that gets the treatment past mid-off. Loose from the long-limbed lad, and he needs a decent spell in this match.

From Matthew Hayden on TMS: "If the edge catches the seam it tends to change the flight of the ball late. The ball takes a significant dive just before it reached Flintoff and that's enough to get the hands in the wrong position."

1231: Aus 186-4
Fred can't quite believe what happened there. He lay on the ground afterwards like a reclining Roman emperor, propped up on one elbow, staring into the middle distance as if posing for an etching. Slightly wasted over from Anderson, wide of North's off-peg, and he can leave those alone sans sweat.

From Bill in Leicester, TMS inbox: "Must have been a great 1956 calendar if it could predict what was going to happen. Did it have the Grand National and Derby winners as well?"

1225: Aus 184-4
The indefatigable Onions continues with what must be his 450th over in this spell. Clarke waits, eyes wide under the brim of his lid - big shape, late leave, fat edge to slip - Fred's dropped him! Roars of disbelief from all corners, including all four of mine - what happened there? Fred looked almost surprised by it . Clarke withdrew his bat late - too late to get it out of the way, but Fred had started to rise as if the ball was going through to the stumper. Very catchable height though - aimed just below his left nipple, and he barely got a Fredfinger on it. Clarke grins with an escapologist's delight.

From Tom in Penge, TMS inbox: "Alarmed to hear that firefighters are shirking their duties to watch the cricket. Back to it, lads - that table tennis isn't going to play itself."

1220: Aus 180-4
If North goes on to make another ton, I'll accept full responsibility. Shot of the day from the embattled leftie, opening up his stance to drive with elegance past a motionless cover. Jimmy shrugs, plucks at the shoulder of his shirt a la Harmie and goes back to his mark.

From Twelly, at work in Stamford, TMS inbox: "How come the next Test starts on Friday? Which believe it or not is the date that our beloved Caroline of Brunswick passed away. Do you reckon they'll hold a minute's silence?"

1215: Aus 174-4
How many more overs has Onions got in him here? Three slips, gully, backward point - a shot of Brunswickian ugliness from North, and he's becalmed on one run from 25 balls. At least, he was until I typed that sentence - three, pulled away nervously through midwicket. Bright sun now at Edgbaston; pleasant for spectators seeking tannage, unpleasant for spectators seeking swing-induced stump-splattering.

From Richard in Warwick, text 81111: "Could Ollie Johnson tell the rest of us what he's doing with a 1956 calendar on his desk? Bizarre behaviour."

1213: Aus 170-4
Two firemen there perched atop a giant crane, doing nothing but watching the cricket. Good work chaps. If I smell smoke I'll give you a shout. Hoopy swing from Anderson, and England are sniffing another wicket here - North jabbing down, fencing outside off, thunking nowhere off the bottom of his bat.

From Beccy in London, TMS inbox: "Re Chris in Sydney: yeah yeah... and that latest 'not LBW' looked rather like an LBW to me. These things are never that clear, are they?"

1208: Aus 170-4
Clarke works a straight Onions delivery off his pads into the gap at midwicket for a single. At the 15th time of asking, Marcus North gets off the doughnut with a little leg-side tickle as Onions bowls a remarkable snake-like delivery to Clarke which shapes in then swings alarmingly away from Matt Prior.

From Ollie Johnson, TMS inbox: "According to the calendar on my desk, on this day in 1956 Jim Laker took all 10 Australian wickets in the second innings at the fourth Test at Old Trafford. Could history be repeating itself today - save for the fact that it's Onions, only nine wickets, Australia's first innings in the third Test and it being Edgbaston?"

1200: Aus 168-4
Jimmy now, his boots leaving brown footmarks in the dark green outfield - angled across North, and he can leave three of those alone. Oof - that one bends back in like Creme de Hoggarde and nearly squeezes between the blade and front peg. Maiden, and North still to get off the quacker after 13 deliveries. Insert your own 'unlucky' prediction here.

From Pete in Stoke, TMS inbox: "Re: Chris from Sydney 11:50am. Being 'close' to a no-ball doesn't make it a no-ball. Are the Aussies already making their excuses?"

1155: Aus 168-4
Two slips, gully, short extra cover as Onions pads in quietly and then accelerates in to the crease. Clarke - oh, that's a peachy shot, timing one away through midwicket with a flick of the steely wrists. Next up - clattering into the front pad, that must be out - Aleem Dar says no! Throw your mouse sideways in disgust, slam your keyboard with the heel of your hand - Clarkie was plumb there, and everyone but the umpo knows it. Onions bending it either way at will now. Whoosh.

From Chris in Sydney, TMS inbox: "Check out Onions' front foot on the Ponting dismissal. Looked close to a no-ball to me..."

1150: Aus 164-4
Huge applause for the lean-shouldered Onions as he trots down to long leg, and why not - he's bowled like a dream this morning. Jimmy now replacing Fred, which makes sense - the ball is now bending around under the gloomy Brum skies. New-man Marcus North takes guard and waits nervously - a brace angled across him, an attempted in-dipper ell bee swinging too far down leg and two more shaped across. Maiden, useful.

1143: Aus 163-4
It doesn't get much bigger than that for Onions and England - a splendid trap laid and bated, and Ponting is snagged - three full ones, followed by a fast lifter that caught him by surprise, pulling late and thinning an edge through to Prior. 3-13 from Onions so far this morning, and the balance of power in this match has swung...

1142: WICKET Ponting c Prior b Onions 38, Aus 163-4
Onions - Ponting - OUT!

From Andy Rawle, TMS inbox: "Re: 1122 From Paul in Lancs - apparently the average person can live for to six weeks without food. Leave the dinner until Fred and KP are falling off the open top bus and into No. 10 Downing Street some time in late August."

1140: Aus 163-3
Nope - Fred will have another one here, and that's a touch loose, straying onto Punter's pads and being clipped away with wristy relish for four. Clarke then calls his skipper through for a rapid single - Bell picks up at cover, flings at the non-striker's... and misses. Let's have a look to see where Ponting was there - ai-yai-yai, at least a foot short of his crease. If that had hit, he was a goner...

1136: Aus 155-3
Shouts of dismay from the slip cordon as Onions almost foxes Clarke with a wicket-to-wicket dipper - leading edge just past the bowler. Super spell, this - tight line, hints of wobble, nothing spare for spanking.

From Pete, bored/frustrated at his desk, TMS inbox: "I've always found Fridays to be rather of an inconvenience when it comes to having to attend work. Well, having to read about Onions bagging a couple of early Aussie wickets has pretty much made up my mind that I will be on leave every Friday for the rest of my working life."

1131: Aus 155-3
Fred trundles in, massive chest jutting out like the white cliffs of Dover. Steady line on off or just outside - big strides forward from Ponting, elbow high, bat face flat onto the ball, and a dabber for two to leg to keep the board ticking over. Jimmy Anderson loosening up - wonder if Fred needs a breather?

From TMS summariser Vic Marks: "Sometimes the magic is with Flintoff and sometimes it isn't. This morning, it isn't."

1126: Aus 153-3
Two shaven-headed men in the the crowd, their faces painted in bright yellow and green squares like cricket-loving Leigh Bowerys. Onions looking to get Punter playing across his front pad, with Ian Bell going to a very short midwicket - but that's a little too obvious, and there are runs pulled and clipped away.

From Paul in Lancs, TMS inbox: "I was going to go down the hall to the kitchen and start making the kids' dinner, but I can't keep from turning back to look at the computer. Talk about the corridor of uncertainty."

1122: Aus 148-3
Fred arrows one into the pads, and that's the record for Ponting - three through midwicket, and the crowd rise with generous applause. The top Australian Test scorer of all time, the third highest scorer in Test history behind Tendulkar and Lara. Hats off, Punter. Clarke flinches under an express-train bouncer and then pushes with sweet timing through cover for four. Two more off the pads, and Fred still searching for his early-morning mojo.

Kara, Birmingham, text 81111: "My boyfriend and I saw the Aussies out in Brum last night. Ponting was waiting for Watson to buy a white choc Magnum. Maybe the ice cream before bed was a bad idea."

1115: Aus 139-3
Onions again, his eyes wide with adrenaline, three slips, gully, short leg. Clarke jabs into the covers for one, Punter lunges forward and edges along the ground through the vacant third slip slots. There's a single to mid-off, and Ponting moves to within two runs of Allan Border's Test runs record.

Tim Ruscoe, Hollies Stand, text 81111: "Just read Phillip Hughes' Twitter site this morning - 'whole team had a great night out in Birmingham last night - it was 5am when we all got back'."

1111: Aus 132-3
Extraordinary scenes, and here's how it happened - Watson was trapped bang in front with a lovely late in-diver, and then Hussey shouldered arms to one that went straight on to biff back the top of off. Fred paws the ground from the other end, Ponting waiting furiously at the other end. Four in the Corridor Of Errr outside off, the last angled in looking for the nibble to short leg - edged finer past Prior for four. My giddy aunts.

1105: Aus 126-3
Onions on a hat-trick, Clarke in the sights - oh, pinged past the flailing gloves. He's survived it, but what a start to the day. The Edgbaston crowd are rabid with excitement, and why not? Two more - both close, Clarke jabbing down late to divert vicious in-dippers at the last moment. What a start...

1101: WICKET Hussey b Onions 0, Aus 126-3
You're not dreaming - this is real...

1100: WICKET Watson lbw Onions 62, Aus 126-2
Onions - why has he been given the first over? THAT'S WHY...

1055: Here come the England fielders. Ah, that's blown it.

From Alex in Leeds, TMS inbox: "Boss out. Cricket on. Punter out. Game on."

From Jae Pearse, TMS inbox: "Draw this one. Win the next. Job done."

1050: Glimpse of Warnie. Varnished Weeble.

From Trevor in Bristol, TMS inbox: "In work. Bored witless. Miserable colleague. Entertain me."

1045: Weather forecast? Cloudy but dry. Dreadful on Saturday. Hmmm.

From Andrew Farrell, TMS inbox: "Raining in Telford. Today's plan? Too much booze. Not enough cricket."

1040: So then. Optimistic? Strange this. Feel like Clarkson. Talking in. Bursts.

From Samuel McMahon in sunny Bradford, TMS inbox: "Poor yesterday. Awful line. Length no better. Must Improve."

1030: Sunshine. Of sorts. Wispy clouds. Covers off. Start on time. Sentences of. Two words. Or Three.