Going face-to-face with Surrey fast bowler Chris Jordan - stare not recommended (pictures courtesy of Brian Tonks)

By Pranav Soneji

Damn you brain, why did you dredge up that memory of New Zealand's Daniel Flynn and his exploding face at the precise moment Surrey quick Chris Jordan tore in towards me?

Blood everywhere. Endless trips to the dentist. Sucking my dinner through a straw for six months.

These were the things on my mind as I took on Surrey's trio of quick bowlers at The Oval before the start of their Twenty20 campaign.

There is something fascinatingly perverse about playing against someone so completely out of your league - like finding yourself going 10-pin bowling with Scarlett Johansson on a Friday night.

When I shook hands with Chris Jordan, Jade Dernbach and James Benning, it reminded me of that scene in Blackadder Goes Forth when Edmund shakes the hands of his firing squad after he is court-martialled for shooting General Melchett's favourite carrier-pigeon, Speckled Jim.

Priorities first - I reached for my box, trusted custodian of the future Soneji legacy. I was so happy to see it I almost wanted to kiss the moulded plastic codpiece, but then I remembered where it had been so I thought better of it.

James Benning's guide to T20 batting Don't second-guess what the bowler is going to do It's an old clich�, but play every ball on its merits Play to your strengths - if you're not good at improvising shots, then don't

"Don't worry," said Nathan, the day's organiser, as I trudged into the net. "They won't be bowling fast."

Someone had obviously forgotten to tell his pace bowlers this as Dernbach steamed in like a man hell-bent on breaking at least 200 bones in my body.

I was thinking he was going to stop short at the crease and loop up a juicy long-hop. Instead Dernbach continued at full speed and unleashed a ball which I barely saw zip past my off stump.

It clocked 84.7mph, which by strange coincidence was the precise speed my bowels went southbound.

He smiled at me when I tossed the ball back. I didn't like that smile. It said "I know you're scared".

Then came Jordan, a Bajan-born teenage all-rounder, whose run-up started closer to the sightscreen than the bowling crease.

His first ball to me went something like this: "Pffffft-dooof" as it fizzed past my bat before thumping into the ball-stopper behind me.

Chris Jordan's second fastest ever recorded delivery - sent down to me

His second went "pfffft-kerplang" as it rattled the metal stumps I was pathetically attempting to protect behind me.

I must confess I'm no Brendon McCullum with the blade - think Chris Tavare on valium and you are getting close.

But then again I don't usually face bowlers who can reach pant-staining speeds playing for Polytechnic CC on a glorious June afternoon.

I don't remember too much about Jordan's third delivery, except the fact it clocked 90.2mph on the speed gun. And I amazingly got bat on it.

Admittedly, it was a very thin edge which would have weasled its way past wicket-keeper and first slip for four - but it was still bat.

The ball was 0.1mph slower than Jordan's fastest ever delivery - and it was totally wasted on me.

"I could probably get a yard quicker off my full run-up, my rhythm wasn't quite right," he told me.

Oh joy.

Chris Schofield's guide to T20 bowling Batsmen want to hit every ball for four or six, so the more dot balls you bowl, the more pressure you create I set myself the target of going for one a ball Mix up your deliveries as much as possible

According to the bloke manning the speed gun, I had approximately 0.48 seconds to react - get willow on the ball or bolt for square leg.

I faced a good 12 balls worth of this, hitting one decent shot - a square drive for a probable four off Benning, which made me feel like Yuvraj Singh.

That was until Dernbach brought me thumping back to earth five seconds later with a ball which re-arranged my stumps.

On Wednesday, at grounds all round the T20 circuit, batsmen no bigger than me will be launching these sort of deliveries back over these bowlers' heads for six.

606: DEBATE Have your say on the 2008 Twenty20 Cup

Think two clicks of your mouse. That's your 0.48 seconds. To attempt a straight drive for six. Pretty much impossible, to you and me.

But for the pros, Twenty20 is a six-week, non-stop six-smashing and stump-clattering jamboree.

Still. At least my teeth are still in my mouth.