From Paul, Lancs, TMS inbox: "I was reading this translation of a poem by Ch'eng-kung Sui (died AD. 273) the other night and it struck me that it might just as easily be the words of a 21st century TMS Live Text journalist: 'I sent out invitations/To summon guests/I collected together/All my friends/Loud talk/And simple feasting/Discussion of philosophy/Investigation of subtleties/Tongues loosened/And minds at one/Heart refreshed/By discharged emotion.'(Trans. Arthur Waley, c. 1913)"

1550: Quick heads up before we part - they'll start half an hour early on the morrow. 0800 it is. I won't blame you if you plump for the duvet option.

From Chris Baker, TMS inbox: "Chris in Sittingbourne - Re the ship. Presumably Prior would already have gone on ahead?"

1546: You'd think that would be it for the day - a ripe old stinker for England, and South Africa are in the driving-seat, the passenger seat and surfing on the roof-rack too.

From a disappointed Dan, Andy and Craig, TMS inbox: "I just want to say that me and a couple of the lads at work feel guilty for the sinking of the HMS England today! We were rubbing the ginger head locks of one staff member last week during Colly and Bell's double act for good luck. However, today has taken us by surprise and while the ginger in question was out getting lunch, the double act were quickly removed. Apologies."

1542: SA 29-0
Now it's Siders' turn to scream at the callous cricketing gods - bend in and away from Prince, outside edge, straight between third slip and gully. KP, stationed at the latter, goes down on one knee and holds a pose with chin resting on closed fist until he too spots himself on the big screens. Is that our lot? The umpires stroll to a middle-of-pitch meeting, the meters are brandished and the players trudge for the pavilion.

From Dave the dog trainer, TMS inbox: "I just saw the see also column on the right-hand side entry from yesterday. Alec Stewart says 'England must not go into the fourth Test against South Africa thinking of a draw.' Thanks Alec, indeed they clearly have no such intentions."

1538: SA 23-0
Bellow of anguish from Jimmy as a royal ripper skates past Smith's stretching blade. That's a little too leggish - clunked into the midwicket slots for a brace - and the lights shine still brighter against the gloomier skies. On the grassy banks, a small child spots himself on the giant screens and falls flat on his face with shock.

1533: SA 20-0
Siders is hooping it like Hadlee - I'm exaggerating a touch there for purposes of alliteration, but there's certainly some bend - yet Smith is leaving happily. They're starting a touch too wide, Siders' tempters. Andrew Strauss stands at slip, legs spread, thumbnail betwixt teeth.

From Neil, Nottingham, TMS inbox: "England's sinking ship - if Cook can be the ship's cook, presume Bell can be the ship's bell and of course Swann wouldn't need to clamber aboard, but could just glide alongside."

1529: SA 19-0
Jimmy, England's leading seamer in the series - bent in to Prince, trapping him bang in front... too high? Umpire Hill agrees, curses on his accurate eyes. He's got his hand on his light-meter, too. Keep it housed, Big Tone.

From Binky Griptite, TMS inbox: "Re: 1508 - What chance Andrew Strauss give us a Teddy Pendergass tribute rendition of 'Turn Off the Lights' in order to get an end to today's play? Or how about KP singing 'The Whole Town's Laughing At Me'?"

1524: SA 19-0
Smith, old-fashioned baggy creme jumper hanging low over his rumpo - clipped into the ground and up to Cook under the lid at short leg, and the fielder flings the ball straight back at the timbers as Smith stretches... home, just. Bellowed version of 'Jerusalem' from the Army of Barmy. Fingers in ears, William Blake.

From Graham, Durham, TMS inbox: "KP is presumably the figurehead - decorative, brightly-coloured and up front but contributing nothing to the efficient sailing of the ship on this particular voyage."

1520: SA 18-0
A small airplane drones low over the ground - David Gower must be off mic for a spell. Jim tears in and leaps to the crease - wide and across the lefties' bows, and they'll leave alone with noses in the air. Dark overhead, but the clouds are keeping closed. For now.

From James in Oxford, TMS inbox: "Re Nat in Brighton, Re England's Sinking Ship - even a loose cannon hits something once in a while… *sigh*."

1515: SA 18-0
Prince holds his bat high and diagonal in his stance - he's no John Carr, but it's certainly a little bit Jim Furyk. Sidebottom now, hair bouncing - gaaghh, super bender which leaves Prince pushing at damp air. Thunking clunky drive down the ground - woeful mis-field by Jimmy A at mid-off to give away two runs.

1515: SA 16-0
James Anderson to charge in, Graeme Smith waiting - full outside off, defended into the covers. Shortage of punters in the Wanderers stands, and with gloom overhead this could be a brief old joust. Couple of wickets, anyone?

1508: The players are coming out. Albeit slowly. Hold on - Teddy Pendergrass is dead?

From Nat in Brighton: "Re England's sinking ship - surely Pietersen would be the loose cannon?"

1501: Just watching a replay of the England innings. I'd call it a highlights package, except that would be a misnomer so nomerous that my fingers couldn't type it. Oh, KP - what was that?

From Stewart in Manchester, TMS inbox: "And on this boat, presumably Sidebottom will be on the poop deck."

From Tom in Manchester, TMS inbox: "Fordyce returns and in a game England want to last 5 days the covers come off and the motorised mopper comes on. Brilliant."

1455: Rumours shooting around that we'll have a re-start in 15 minutes - 1510. Nothing official, but ears are to the ground.

From Andrew Richmond, TMS inbox: "Re the England boat with Strauss as Captain, Colly as the anchor and Bell as the sail. Could Cook be the cook?

1451: The main cover is coming off - repeat, the main cover is coming off. Motorised mopper moving on. I don't know whether that's a reason to be cheerful or not.

1450: Pran's off for a rain-dance - couldn't possibly manually refresh, could you?

Matt in Norwich, TMS inbox: "Re: The England boat. Collingwood would surely be the anchor. Bell is surely the main sail? flapping around in high pressure situations."

1435: Should the outfield be fit for restart, play can go on until 1900 Jo'Burg time, or 1700 GMT. And I was planning on getting a couple of cheeky episodes of Homes Under The Hammer on iPlayer...

1429: Sorry to bother you, but it seems the rain has finally stopped at the Wanderers and the floodlights are on. However, no peep of squeak about restart times.

Ed, London, text 81111: "In 1939 England salvaged a draw against SA in a timeless test because they had to get the boat home. Time to book a boat yet? We could have Strauss as skipper, Belly as first mate, and make KP walk the plank."

1421: Hold the front page. Still raining. Carry on.

From Diccon, London, TMS inbox: "Pranav, I know that I get a lot of abuse from my mates for being dyslexic, but I have just worked out that Pranav Soneji is an anagram for 'Saviour of English Cricket'."

1412: No news about a restart time as yet. Chris, below, IT'S 1-0 IN THE SERIES! You're in pole position son, don't veer off the chicane with the chequered flag in sight. Whatever that means.

From Chris, TMS inbox: "Met this amazing SA lady with great cricket banter last week and she was keen for a date Friday (tomorrow) night. I've just had to bail. Can't deal with the abuse."

From Graham Cork, TMS inbox: "Don't forget we are led by AStra. Wouldn't start today, though, being born in SA, he could always use the choke."

From Tom, TMS inbox: "In addition we also have 'GraGoo' representing England's one-time batting and captaining hero and now batting coach, it could also be used to describe what's left after the washing up water has drained from the sink."

1402: Errr, Rupert and numerous others will be glad to know the covers are coming back on again. There has been thunder and lightning at the Johannesburg Open golf tournament, which have abruptly curtailed the day's play. Honestly, all I've done is sit in an uncomfortable position for the past two hours circling my left ankle in an anti-clockwise motion singing Marina and Diamonds' latest smasher "I'm Not a Robot". Nothing more really.

From Rupert, TMS inbox: "Pranav it's wonderful to have you back. If you could do whatever raindance you're doing for the next four days I feel absolutely confident of a Series victory. Much appreciated."

1357: The eyes of umpires Steve Davis and Tony Hill gaze skywards as the threatening grey clouds converging up above, although the rain has halted. The last cover is dragged off as the super sooper-thing (which looks dead good fun to have a spin around in) mops up translucent patches across the lush Wanderers outfield.

From Dave, Southwark, TMS inbox: "SA also have AsPrin. Does that count as a performance-enhancing drug?"

1350: Weather update - the covers are still on, the rain has almost abated, but judging by the alarmingly uniform weather forecasts from various sage meteorologists across our green and (snow-covered) verdant land, it's gonna rain pretty much every for the next five (oh the optimism) days.

From Sam Philip, TMS inbox: "Excellent - we have SiBo and StuBro in our bowling attack. And, er, GraSwa...nope, scrap that last one. But don't forget PaCo, which, if memory serves, was a pungent aftershave from the early '90s."

Peter in London, TMS inbox: "I just walked past White City and saw a blonde haired guy in floods of tears being physically thrown out of the BBC offices by two burly looking security guards. Pranav can you confirm?"
We went through a spate of having lots of South African security guards at Television Centre a few years back, so no doubt they would be doing everything in their power to ensure Tom kept every bit of his person inside the building.

From Gary Jones, TMS inbox: "The pitch seems worryingly schizophrenic - or it may be that they can bat."

1337: SA 16-0 RAIN DELAYS PLAY
Doughty defence from Smith, who fends an Anderson delivery with more solidity than Aunty Flo's three-day old Dundee cake. Hang on, umpire Steve Davis is looking towards the horizon - and just like that it's welting it down. The covers are on - the rain has set in.

1335: SA 16-0
Tighter over from SiBo, who is finding some swing away from the left-hander's bat, but not enough zip and pace to really trouble the openers - something which Steyn did with alarming regularity a few hours ago. Maiden over. However, umbrellas are starting to go up across the ground. What's this all about?

Mark, Nairobi, TMS inbox: "Personally, I'm quite happy with England's total. Oh, hang on...This is a Twenty20 game, isn't it?"

1331: SA 16-0
Smith comes over all Marcus Trescothick wafting outside off stump without getting his front foot anywhere near the pitch of the ball as a thick inside edge off Jimmy A squirts past the diving right glove of Matt Prior for four. Another to cut out for the Horror Show Collage book of cricket strokes from today's offerings. Still, plenty of singles on offer as the opening duo collect four more runs.

From James, TMS inbox: "Just seen an advert in a local paper: 'large Jo'burg venue for hire. Available 4pm 16th Jan - Previous booking was a 'no show'. Boerewors rolls & hamburgers for sale (onions not included)'"

1327: SA 8-0
SiBo, hair tousling in the rarefied Wanderers air, gets one to nip back into Smith off the deck and rap him on his front pad, but the ball hits the SA skipper outside the line of off stump. Realising that movement is his only hope of snaring wickets, Sidebottom pitches up, giving the ball every chance to swing, but he overpitches as Prince punches the ball through mid-on for a luscious boundary.

1323: SA 2-0
Graeme Smith turns a gentle single off his pads, not too dissimilar a shot which Strauss played first up, only Smith's flick rolls all along the carpet to the hirsute Ryan Sidebottom at fine leg, which suggests the Notts left-armer will share the new ball with Anderson. Ashwell Prince, batting with all the confidence of a man keeping a vicious, spitting cobra at bay with a stick of liquorice, is cut in two by a snorter as a half-hearted appeal for a caught behind the wicket subsides abruptly.

1318: Out stroll the England players as captain Andrew Strauss masticates like an overzealous Jersey cow. I bet that stick of gum lost its flavour within 45 seconds of entering Straussy's mouth. Graeme Smith asks umpire Steve Davis for middle and leg as rather lame chorus of Jerusalem breaks out from one corner of the Wanderers. James Anderson first up with the absolutely-useless-after-15-overs Kookaburra cherry. The new-ball duo will have to make this ball sing like a falsetto hitting the high notes if England are to have any say on this match.

From Tom, London, TMS inbox: "Pranav Soneji. You're country needs you. Do your thing before you join Fordyce in the doghouse."

1308: So thanks to Tom for the mother of all hospital passes - anyone would think Rafa Benitez has sneaked out to Jo'Burg to spread his brand of doom at the Bullring. Poor Tom's so traumatised he actually forgot to open the door before bursting out of the room in tears after watching one of the more woeful capitulations in England's recent history. So press your browser's refresh button, hit F5 (and run the risk of getting transported to Andronmida with a small weasel for company) or headbutt your screen in unison, it's Soneji time...

From T Cheshire, TMS inbox: "Re: Alex and Gavin and Morphs eloquence. Morph was perfectly coherent throughout much of his discourse. The fact that he addressed his cohost with the words 'Hello Tony' every week must surely have rung a bell with viewers who considered he was making unintelligible squeaks? "

1258: Swann c Boucher b Steyn 27, Eng 180 all out
Is there anything more melancholically uplifting than a slogging last-wicket stand? Hmm - the time for ruminations is over, for Swann has thinned through to Boucher. The misery, it is complete.

1257: Eng 176-9
Take that you brute - Swann steps back to the returning Morkel and crashes him high, high, high over midwicket for huge six. He'll try another mow next - off the splice, looping away, just over the printing Sprince - I'm sorry, the sprinting Prince.

James aka Yuvraj, Busy at work, Chester, TMS inbox: "My favourite round in 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' was when they had to come up with uses for a strangely shaped object. I'm only reminded of it because the England batsman seem to be completely clueless what to do with those long wooden items that they are holding."

1254: Eng 176-9
Take that you brute - Swann steps back to the returning Morkel and crashes him high, high, high over midwicket for huge six. He'll try another mow next - off the splice, looping away, just over the printing Sprince - I'm sorry, the sprinting Prince.

1248: Eng 168-9
Steyn wants his five-for here. Swann doesn't want to give it to him - four, cut high over the slips to move to 17. Mood lifter? It's like watching your house burn down and then finding a crumpled fiver in your pyjama pocket.

From Rodger Nash, TMS inbox: "Caught, useless, useless, not-out, caught, bowled, gloved, caught. If the pitch is degrading, it'd be a perfect time for Onions. Nuts."

1241: Eng 163-9
In the anguish I'd forgotten Colly's mighty maximums before lunch. Apologies, Senor Rojo. Anderson, a forlorn figure, alone at the crease, and he'll angle that away for one. Swann smacks his lips and advances down the track to Kallis - four, steered away past the flailing fielder at point. A heavy silence hanging over the England balcony.

From Gavin, suffering with flu, TMS inbox: "Alex, no, I could understand him as well. Morph is like car auctioneers and salesman of prize bulls........If you listen long enough you start to understand them all. I'd stop short of buying a car from Morph though."

1235: Sidebottom c Boucher b Steyn 0, Eng 155-9
Steyn - angled across Sidebottom, skinny nick - heavy, heavy sighs...

From Bruce, Shropshire, TMS inbox: "Hello darkness my old friend..."

1229: Eng 155-8
Come on Swanny - blaze away as the ship sinks below the waves... Full from Kallis, battered back down the ground for four. That's the 150, and we'll stick a graphic in to celebrate. Airy pull, Amla rushing in from deep midwicket - dropped!

From Michael Bailey, TMS inbox: "You can forget your Ryan Stiles and Greg Proops, it really doesn't look like England's first innings will even last two John Sessions."

1229: Eng 149-8
Well, Ryan Sidebottom's got some large Onions-sized boots to fill here - he stands at the crease, curly hair spiralling out from under his helmet like the springs from an abandoned sofa - beaten all ends up by Steyn's deadly ripper. Will England make the 150?

From Graham, London, TMS inbox: "Re: Lynda from Bolton. Is that Describing Henry VIII's wives, or England's top 6 batsmen so far?"

1223: WICKET Broad c Morkel b Kallis 13, Eng 148-8
I think the Swann/Broad combo might have an old-fashioned joust here - yup, here we go - thrasher down the ground by Broad for four, another smeared on the up through cover. Kallis simmers liked a riled pitbull and sends down a rib-tickler - ole! Broad's pulled him high over midwicket for a monstrous six. Ah - you don't do that to Shark for long - cunning slower one, pulled weakly to Morkel at mid-on. This is rubbish, isn't it?

From Alex, Leeds, text 81111: "I was convinced I could understand Morph - was I the only one?"

1215: Eng Prior c Boucher b Steyn 14, 136-7
Short, slappy hook - gloved, straight through to the screaming stumper. Poor shot, once again, and England are up a stinky creek without a stick.

1210: Eng 134-6
On the face of this, Strauss has had an absolute stinker deciding to bat here - but to be fair to him, Graeme Smith said he'd have done the same. Maybe he was just being kind. Morkel back on the pitch, but Kallis will kontinue - short, lifty, and new-man Broad is fortunate in the extreme to see a leading edge fall just short of mid-on. PS Gareth Evans - I think it was Chaz. Or did you mean Folly?

From Sam, Munich, TMS inbox: "Which is more disastrous - KP's recent form or Ryan Stiles' brightly coloured shirt collection? I really can't call it."

1202: WICKET Bell b Steyn 35, Eng 133-6
Wonderful, wonderful bowling from Steyn - two pitched-up away swingers, both of which trouble Bell badly, followed by the sweetest of disguised in-swingers to send the timbers flying. Too good, that.

From Lynda, Bolton, TMS inbox: ""Best of luck Danny and Jonny, just remember 'divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived - that should do it."

1158: Eng 133-5
Yup - Steyn it is, gliding in with snout a'twitching - short, wide, and Matt Prior will pull that away like the Alec Stewart of old for a thumping four through midwicket. Aarghh - sweet ripper up next, bending in to draw the drive and then arcing away to beat the edge and set the slips squealing and screaming. Full again - too full, and Prior will drive behind backward point for a morale-boosting three. Splendid ding-dong.

From Neil Stevens, Herts, TMS inbox: "I'm still hoping England can mould a victory from this shaky start. Talking of moulding, my girlfriend bought me a plasticine Morph set for Christmas. It's brilliant, spent all day creating a Morph complete with cricket bat. I'm 35."

1154: Eng 126-5
Kallis replaces McLaren at the other end, with Dale Steyn loosening up by the boundary boards. Steady from the Shark, and Bell does his best Colly impression to dead-bat down the menace.

From Biggers, London, TMS inbox: "Colly can walk, head high and flamed haired, like a torch lighting the darkest corners of the cricketing cave - England are once again descending."

1150: Eng 126-5
Bell's doing his best against Morkel here, but it's torrid, frightful stuff - rib-tickler followed by nose-crusher, finger-cruncher following toe-squasher. Hold on, though - Morkel looks in some pain, and he's fiddling at length with his left boot - I think he'll take a blow there, and head off to the dressing-room for a wincing word with the physio. Small chink of light?

From Jack, New Milton, TMS inbox: "I dusted down the old teleporter and programmed in the Bullring. I am now standing outside Topshop and the Vodafone shop, which way to the pitch?"

1138: Eng 123-5
Morkel cruising in with the easy speed and menace of a tiger shark - short, fast, climbing into Bell's gloves - the ball spins away, high, Prince goes full length on the dash round from point - has he caught it? The South Africans are celebrating, but Prince is shrugging his shoulders - let's have a look - get out of it, he's spilled it as he landed and then rolled over the ball twice before it lodges in the crook of his elbow. Roars of anger from the England fans, and the atmosphere out there could poison a rhino.

From David and Jonny, Lancashire, TMS inbox: "Preparing to go into an A-Level history exam, do you think there'll be any questions about the day's play? If not we have a strong feeling we will not be doing very well."

1133: Eng 115-5
The ball just seemed to stick in the pitch, and Colly was through the shot too soon - the ball spooned up and away to point, and Duminy was never going to drop that. Feels like a hammer blow for England, that - Colly was batting as well as he ever has, anchoring and accelerating at the same time, and he trudges back to the hutch with an anguished regret smeared all over his stubbled face.

1131: WICKET Collingwood c Duminy b McLaren 47, Eng 115-5
Straighter from McLaren - leading edge - gone!

1128: Eng 115-4
You have to say, it's a decent track out there - lovely carry through the stumper, but no terrifying sideways bite. Morkel aims a yorker in at Colly's twitching toes and overdoes it - three driven down the ground. Another in the same spot to Bell - driven, uppishly, for two past the straining mid-off.

From Tony Hall, TMS inbox: "Can anyone confirm whether Ian Bell's Dad is still locked in the cupboard - it seemed to do the trick last Thursday."

1124: Eng 110-4
McLaren is ramming my feeble words down my throat - doozy outside off, leaping and spitting, and Bell is done like a Northumberland kipper. Less than a quarter full at the Wanderers - it's a big old ground, the Bullring, but there's spaces aplenty. If your teleporter is working, might be worth clambering aboard and nudging the big red button.

From Lenny, Mauritius, TMS inbox: "I used to love Josie Lawrence. There you go, I've said it."

1120: Eng 108-4
Yup, it'll be Morne Morkel from the other end - strayer down leg, leg bye picked up. Three slips, gully, short leg - all with hands on knees, leaning forward - tickled off the left nipple for another single down to fine leg.

From Dave, Kent, TMS inbox: "Does anyone else take their lunch when the cricket does? I've just necked my ham rolls and apple. Roll on tea time for second lunch."

1115: Eng 108-4
Here we go - McLaren to open out, which is something of a surprise - all the doom and danger came from Steyn and Morkel in the morning session. Bell controls a lifter into the ground and away past second slip for four. Right, that was my fault - McLaren rips one between Bell's bat and pad and comes within a lick of varnish of cleaning him up. Wide, full - smashing drive, smashing riposte. Bell to 27, partnership to 70.

1108:Quick final word on the no-ball or no-no-ball - Michael Vaughan is utterly convinced it was illegal, Nasser Hussain not. Rumours spread that Andy Flower went straight to the match referee's office for a firm, firm word. Nice thoughts from David Knight below...

From David Knight, TMS inbox: "From the round the wicket camera view it definitely looked to be a no-ball, but the camera view from the over the wicket side I would have to say that they got the decision right. However as Daryl Harper didn't look at that view I'm not sure how he could justify the decision. Even if in the long run it was correct. The fact that he didn't even have a closer look for something so close is very worrying."

1106: If you missed a very candid Monty P on TMS, you can listen to the interview again on the BBC Sport website . He's even got a doosra now.

From Kristin Mitchell, TMS inbox: "I made a donation yesterday for the Haiti earthquake and next thing my card has been cancelled by the fraud team at my bank…because of course if you are going to use someone's card fraudulently you'd use it to make charitable donations."

From Edd, London, TMS inbox: "Wow, what a nice gesture Evan Jones - especially considering what's happening in Haiti - that he has chosen a thoroughly unlikely event to determine whether he makes a contribution to charity."

From Evan Jones, TMS inbox: "Can you please print this. If Collingwood and Bell bat out the day, I will make a contribution to a charity. Serious offer. Thank you."

From Dave Ray, Darlington, TMS inbox: "The best part of 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' was when Tony Greig look-a-like Colin Mochrie used to do his Tyrannosaurus Rex walk. How they found new ways for him to do it EVER WEEK I'll never know."

From Nick, TMS inbox: "This may be a KP-style rush of blood to the head but in my opinion Ryan McLaren bears an uncanny resemblance to the star of Jurassic Park, the velociraptor."

1040:
Test Match Special have an interview with England spinner Monty Panesar coming up now. First there's an update on the final Test between Australia and Pakistan, where the Aussies are 302-3 after day one with Ricky Ponting and Michael Clarke both having made unbeaten centuries. Pakistan dropped Ponting before he had scored... oops

1031: LUNCH Eng 100-4
Rapid applause builds around the ground as Kallis charges in - ach, vicious bouncer which follows Bell as he leans back and back, eyes wide like a rabbit in a snare. Dabber single to leg, Colly to face the final ball before lunch. Does he (a) leave it alone, or (b) step away to off to hook it way over square leg for six? Wrong - it was (b)! Remarkable brio, and a fine way to the break. One of these days we'll have a dull session in this series...

From Dave, Brighton, TMS inbox: "Ref: Whose Line Is It anyway. I once got very drunk on vodka flavoured with Rose petals with Mike McShane in an Armenian restaurant in Manchester. The big fella can put it away, I can tell you. Do we think that our top order were out with him last night doing the same?"

1028: Eng 92-4
Yup, Steyn it is - Colly wants nothing to do with those winking tempters outside off. Steyn tries a late lifter on leg and is tickled round the corner for one. Could be time for another over here - they've rattled through that one. Don't worry, Jacques - there'll be plenty left.

From Andrew Dempsey, TMS inbox: "I don't know if these two can keep it up, but, if they steer us clear again I may consider dating a ginger."

1025: Eng 91-4
Ian Bell has either just shown the finest judgement of his life to leave that one or escaped by a weasel's whisker - there was in-dip, there was pace, and he shoulders arms as if the ball was heading for second slip. One more before lunch? Steyn for a quick rip?

From Lucie, Coventry, TMS inbox: "I am glad you noticed the state of KP's socks. I was sat underneath the England dressing room at Newlands and noticed the same thing myself. Those South Africans don't know how to mop a floor, it seems. Their apparent lack of cleanliness is scant consolation for the amount of time we have had to look at KP's soles during this series."

1021: Eng 91-4
Supporters lolling about on the grassy banks beyond the midwicket boundary - punch-drunk if they're English, plain drunk if they've started too early. Wide and harmless from McLaren, and Colly leaves dismissively for the maiden.

From Chris, London, TMS inbox: "I used to love Greg Proops on 'Whose Line is it Anyway!'. My favourite round was always the 'Hoedown' and as such I have come up with a cricket related one:
We went to win the test or maybe even draw,
But things started off badly, we were 40-4,
Then in came Bell and Collingwood we hope they'll save this Test,
Because their form this series is better than the rest.

1017: Eng 91-4
Kallis, his shirt seams straining to contain his beefy bulk, rumbles in with muscular menace - get in there, Colly, driving that one through extra cover with minimal backlift and maximum result. That's the 50 partnership. All hail the Red Army.

From Furious George, Sheffield, TMS inbox: "Excellent reference to Whose Line Is It Anyway. Daryl Harper has certainly made a Colin Mocherie of the referral system this morning."

1013: Eng 86-4
For all the pre-match chunter about the green mamba pitch, you'd reflect on the carnage of this morning session and say that it's been England's players who have got themselves out, more than the track being unplayable. Colly touches McLaren away for one to leg, and Bell digs out the remainder. 17 minutes until lunch.

From Tom Rogers, TMS inbox: "Compliments to the Radio 4 longwave schedulers. That 15 minutes of prayer and contemplation was perfectly timed."

1009: Eng 85-4
Smith's had enough of this debutant trundle - he'll switch to the ageless experience of Big Shark Kallis. Two slips and a gully - run away again by Bell for four more in the gap between Slip II and Gully I. Aye-yai-yai - rapid and spitting outside off, and Bell has a fearful poke at it. Yelps from Boucher the Poucher behind the timbers.

From Hairy Chimp, TMS inbox: "I'm off to a redundancy meeting in a minute but I still rather be here than in the dressing room. I recon I've got a better chance of keeping my job."

1005: Eng 80-4
Glimpse of KP up there on the England balcony, wearing a white vest and shorts and with a pair of sports socks pulled halfway up his calves. From the grubbiness of the soles, he's been walking around without his shoes on. Needless detail - I'm just trying to distract us from the car-crash out in the middle. McLaren drops short, and Bell does well to steer it away off the face down to third man for another four.

Lots of texts and emails about the legitimacy of the delivery from Morne Morkel which removed Alastair Cook. The case in question is not that his heel was raised - as long as there is a part of his foot behind the popping crease, it is a legitimate delivery - but at which point Morkel's foot strikes the ground when his heel is raised.

1001: Eng 76-4
First sign of sun all day as - hold on, has Colly just pulled that for six? You've got to love this man - Parnell dropped short, and El Gingeros Supremos swivelled in a flash to pull it high into the four-tiered stands. Take that you brute.

From Peter Cherry, TMS inbox: "You've got to feel sorry for Colly. He must have this recurring dream that one day, just once, before he retires, he might be able to stride out behind a thumping great score and bat freely to rack some up for a declaration, rather than having to march, stiff upper lipped, to block stoically for hours to save England's blushes yet again."

0956: Eng 68-4
Something of Greg Proops about Ryan McLaren - facially, that is. He's not wearing a maroon sports jacket while winking at Richard Vranch on the piano. Colly dabs one down past point and shouts a staccato "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah," to call Bell through for the single. Short and lifty from the new boy, and Bell tries to pull from outside off - never got hold of it, and the ball spirals just over Morkel at mid-on. Nearly a repeater of the KP kalamity, there...

Adam, just as furious as Boycott, text 81111: "What? I've been away from my desk for a whole five minutes now and no more wickets have fallen. Think the South Africans are losing the plot."

0952: Eng 64-4
Parnell scoots in, left arm whipping over, white sun-block smeared along his lower lip - across Bell's bows, and edged along the ground to gully. Same angle next up, but that's too full - dreamy drive through the covers from Bell for the sweetest of fours.

From Peter, Esher, TMS inbox: "Well, we're scoring at quite a good rate, eh?

0949: Eng 59-4
Overcast, the humidity growing, not a breath of wind in the air - dinker into the off side from Bell to get off strike, and then Colly steps into the juiciest of half-volleys from McLaren to pick up four more back down the ground. If you're just joining us, there's still time to tip-toe away.

0945: Eng 52-4
Boycott's going ripe bananas on TMS - he's on the point of marching into the England dressing-room with his microphone and smashing each dismissed England batsman round the head. Wayne Parnell now for his first over in Test cricket - come on, Colly, four turned off the pads with exquisite economy.

From Ewen Macgregor, TMS inbox: "Assembly over, prayers for KP and the team duly said...what 4 down - my faith in the power of prayer is slowly dissipating."

0942: Eng 52-4
Boycott's going ripe bananas on TMS - he's on the point of marching into the England dressing-room with his microphone and smashing each dismissed England batsman round the head. Wayne Parnell now for his first over in Test cricket - come on, Colly, four turned off the pads with exquisite economy.

0937: Eng 47-4
Smith calls for his debutant Ryan McLaren - why not, the way this is going Malcolm McLaren could get a scalp. Right arm over, decent carry outside off, and Colly leaves the lot alone. Of course he does.

0932: Eng 47-4
Morkel to Bell - short and steepling, and he wears that on the chest with an audible oof. Drinks. Anyone for a brandy?

0930: Eng 47-4
Just to clarify, Morkel's heel wasn't only in the air but clearly in front of the line. Just. Ian Bell is out to join Colly, but it's the Duke of Defence facing - ah, nice blocked drive, and he'll pick up four for that. Chaos this morning - ripe chaos.

0927: Eng 39-4
You couldn't make it up - certain no-ball, and Harper has managed to miss something that he's just been shown four times on slow-motion on a big screen right in front of his face. They're going mad on the England balcony - Strauss is on his feet, hands in the air, KP mouth open...

From Paul Beasley, TMS inbox: "Calm down everybody - all we need is for Colly and Bell to bat for two whole days and we're home and dry. Yeah, I don't believe that either. Well at least I'll be able to get some stuff round the house done on Sunday without interruption."

0923: Eng 39-4
You couldn't make it up - certain no-ball, and Harper has managed to miss something that he's just been shown four times on slow-motion on a big screen right in front of his face. They're going mad on the England balcony - Strauss is on his feet, hands in the air, KP mouth open...

0919: WICKET Cook lbw Morkel 21, Eng 39-4
Colly waits at the non-striker's, unblinking, watching Cook standing tall against Morkel at the other end - vicious bounce, and Cook throws his hands skywards to get everything out of the way. Full and fast next - bang into the front pad, huge appeal - GONE! Wait, though - they'll refer, this looks like a no-ball - Morkel has failed to ground his heel behind the line. So why are they still showing replays of the ball hitting the pad? Don't tell me that third umpire Daryl Harper hasn't spotted that... He's given it out!

From Nick, Depressedville, TMS inbox: "Any chance you could alter the 'out' graphic alongside the fall of Pietersen? Nothing much, just change the finger the umpire's raising. It would sum up the way I feel right now towards the South African-born Englishman.

0909: Eng 32-3
South Africa are cock-a-hoop, and who can blame them - they've bagged the biggie, and nothing special was required to do it - KP simply hoicked it straight to the fielder. Dismay in the England ranks, and all hopes lie with the Colly Rearguard once more.

0907: WICKET Pietersen c Parnell b Morkel 7, Eng 30-3
What was that? Short, pulled - straight down mid-on's throat. Woeful shot, woeful, woeful start...

Former England captain Michael Vaughan on TMS: "A catch like Amla's can change the momentum of the series."

0902: Eng 25-2
That's more like it from Cook - waiting for an in-dipper onto the pads and then timing it away past the two short square legs for a don't-run four. Two more to midwicket, and finally Englishmen around the Wanderers dare to breath again. Briefly.

From Ewen, TMS inbox: "I am just about to sit through my seven year olds school assembly - the theme of which is 'A prayer for the new year'. I will have a word with the producer to see if they can say a quiet word for England."

Oliver Brett has dug out this statistical gem: "Andrew Strauss is the first Englishman to lose his wicket to the first ball of a Test match since Stan Worthington at the Gabba in 1936."

0858: Eng 17-2
Morkel finally strays down leg a fraction, and there's applause from the sickened-looking England fans parked around the green stands as Cook turns the ball off his pads for the first authentic four of the day. There's a dab to midwicket for one more, and then KP will - oh, beaten all ends up by an absolute doozy. This is dreadful.

From Dhan, Cambridge, text 81111: "The case for Onions as opener looks even stronger now. I'd have put him up as a pinch blocker."

0853: Eng 12-2
KP can feel nothing but the weight of the duck quacking away on his back - good God man, there's no run there - get back, Cookie, get back.... In, by an inch. Finally he's off the mark, pushing one away. Cook now, crouching, blinking - off the pads, straight through Amla at short square leg. I think he dropped that...

From Philip, TMS inbox: "Oh dear. Glad I didn't call in sick now."

0849: Eng 10-2
England chose to bat here, let's not forget. It's like the gladiators voting to go in to the Coliseum bare-knuckled. Wearing only their pants. Morkel canters in, and Cook's not stupid - he screams for a single and gets the hell out of Dodge as rapidly as possible. KP back on strike, desperate to get off the mark - full and fast at leg stump, onto the boot... not out, says Umpire Hill. Gulp.

From Maurice Liverpool, TMS inbox: "As a Liverpool fan I was relying on this match to pick up my shattered morale. No Onions? Hmmm, Strauss first baller, uh-oh, Trott man! What are you doing?! For the good of my sanity please Tom, do the decent thing. Go wake up Pranav."

0844: Eng 8-2
Now this is pressure - three slips, gully, short leg, all of them cackling and grunting like hungry jackals - ooof, KP thrusts at it with stiff arms and is beaten all ends up by an absolute ripper from Steyn. The bowler follows through for a bonus snarl before returning to his mark, turning and racing in again - oh, that's the king of the jaffas, a fast, furious full one that angles in towards middle stump and then arcs away late towards first slip. KP can't get anywhere near it. What fresh horror is this?

0840: Eng 7-2
Full and angled in, and Trott played all round it - hit him on the back leg, and there wasn't a sniff of doubt about it. And here comes KP - that was the last ball of the over, so he'll have a moment to ride the adrenaline before Steyn tears in. Look - if you need a lift, the last nine captains to have lost the toss at the Wanderers have gone onto lose the match. And Graeme Smith lost the toss. No?

From HKpembers, Sri Lanka, text +44 7786200666: "Nooooooooooooooooo!"

0839: WICKET Trott lbw Morkel 5, Eng 7-2
Morne Morkel now, sniffing fresh English blood - fast, full, inside-edged by Trott past his own timbers for the streakiest of fours. Full again - oh no...

From Em in…who cares, TMS inbox: "Fordyce, leave, leave now!!!!!!!"

0834: Eng 3-1
Amla had 0.54 seconds from the moment the ball hit the bat until it reached him - or reached an area just above the ground, two feet to his right. Trott now - he's done well to get his pads on in time - and there's a push off the pads to get his team off the mark. Two clipped away by Cook, and there's an air of disbelief around the Wanderers.

0831: Eng 0-1
The ball was nothing special - just short of a length, into the pads - and Strauss turned it away comfortably, only for Hashim Amla at short leg to take an extraordinary reflex catch, sprawling to his right. It's like 1999 all over again...

0830: WICKET Strauss c Amla b Steyn 0, Eng 0-1
Here comes Steyn - Strauss waits... out! HE'S GONE FIRST BALL!

From Ed, Dubai, TMS inbox: "Yup, so excited I've forgotten to go and fetch my daughter from nursery. I'll be paying for that later although there is an argument that she's learning the priorities in life, albeit young. Best run."

From Lee, Manchester, TMS inbox: "Not sure about the Onions/Arnie switch. Surely at altitude with thinner air the swing will be less and the cherry would fly through the air a bit quicker, only aiding Onions case?"

Graeme Swann on Twitter: "In preparation for tomorrows test match I have been playing Oasis at max volume while shadow batting in the mirror and growling. help me."

Text from England spokesman received by BBC cricket correspondent Jonathan Agnew after asking the reason for Onions's absence: "He's not injured, but always useful to have fresh legs in attack at end of a hard series."

0810: Decent toss to win, that one. It's overcast at the moment, but it looks to be burning off, and there's not as much humidity in the air as expected. Anyone else overexcited?

0806: You want more thrills? South Africa have given Paul Harris the boot and picked seamer Ryan McLaren. Wayne Parnell will also make his Test dayboo. It's all happening...

0804: And here's the toss - let's have a look - Andrew Strauss calls heads... and it is heads! "We'll have a bat," he says, with a big grin. "Ryan comes in - our three seamers have done a great job, but especially here at altitude we feel there's some tired legs out there. Ryan can ask some different questions."

0800: What's this? Graham Onions isn't playing? Ryan Sidebottom comes in? The drama never ends, does it?