By Sam Lyon

606: DEBATE Discuss this game on 606

e-mail tms@bbc.co.uk (with 'For Sam Lyon' in the subject) or use 606 or text 81111

"With all the Government statistics on lost working time costing British Industry millions a day, how much are we hurting the British economy with these listless comments."
Rob, Wolverhampton in the TMS inbox

20th over - SOUTH AFRICA WIN BY SIX WICKETS
Justin Kemp needs just one ball of Gillespie's over - smashing it for a brilliant six - to take his personal knock to 89 off 56 balls and South Africa home with five balls to spare. England are going home people - which is all they deserve after three rubbish performances on the trot, let's be honest. Still, I'm back in the hot-seat for England's match against India, which the latter must win to keep their hopes of a semi-final place alive, and I shall be picking up where we left off here PLUS talking about International Talk Like A Pirate Day?!! Miss it - miss out. 158-4

19th over - 152-4 Shane Bond thinks he's got his man when McCullum takes the catch behind Kemp, but the big man's bat hit the ground not the ball. And Kemp is unfazed as he nearly decapitates Billy Doctrove off a Bond full toss for four. He should be gone next ball when he edges behind, but Doctrove gives a wide - oops! Shaun Pollock ends the over with a few and South Africa need two off the last over. Come on Gillespie - do it for England son!

18th over - 142-4 South Africa are on the brink here - even Vettori can't stop 'em. Justin Kemp brings the asking rate to merely a run a ball with a grunting brutaliser down the ground for six and it's 10 off the over.

17th over - SA 132-4 Huge over for South Africa! Justin Kemp smashes one over wide long-on for four before Shaun Pollock smashes down the ground for a big ol' six. Ross Taylor then spills a regulation high catch off a Pollock smash and it costs New Zealand dear as Kemp ends the over with a brutal hit over midwicket that flies out of the ground. Nineteen off the over and England are staring down the barrel again...

"Hold on - why do we take to take abuse from someone who was in bed by 11pm on their 29th birthday?!?!"
Dom in the TMS inbox

"Hi there, I know absolutely nothing about cricket and read this as I've run out of work to do... I just thought I'd give you more mindless drivel to sift through."
George, Stranocum in the TMS inbox

16th over - WICKET! Boucher c McCullum b Gillespie 23, SA 110-4 Just what New Zealand/England needed! Gillespie has been on the money all day and he takes a crucial wicket, luring Boucher into a wild swipe that flies behind to McCullum. Just three singles come off the rest of the over - is Gillespie England's knight in shining armour? 113-4

"The outcome of this game really will affect how England perform, a New Zealand win and we'll be regulation pathetic. But a South Africa win and we'll batter India. There is no better dead rubber specialist team than England."
Phil, Aylesbury in the TMS inbox

15th over - SA 110-3 Justin Kemp might just be the key for South Africa, and the big man brings up his 50 off 42 balls with a thump down the ground off a Chris Martin full toss. Mark Boucher then gets in on the act with a stretch on off-stump and crashes one through square for another boundary. A woeful over is ended when Kemp bludgeons a beauty straight for six and all of a sudden, the Proteas are in the driving seat...

14th over - 94-3 Daniel Vettori really is the main geezer for New Zealand - he ends the over wicketless but it's just three singles from it and South Africa don't know what to do against him. If only he could bowl from both ends - England would have a chance then.

"Sam could you please tell my friend Andrew Hoad who is moaning that he can't get a job that he actually has to apply for one to have a chance of getting one!!!"
Potter in the TMS inbox

You see the kind of rubbish I have to sift through people? Step it up now, come on...

13th over - 91-3 Hhmm... Boucher and Kemp are ticking things over at the moment, preparing I would imagine for a late-over assault. Seven come off the first four balls of Oram's over without much incident, before Kemp dabs one down to third man for four and England nerves in the crowd are jangling...

12th over - SA 79-3 The England boys are in attendance now in Durban, with Allan Donald in the amusing position of wishing for a South African defeat. Vettori continues, Justin Kemp latching onto a rare long-hop to smash a cut for four, but it's still just eight off the over and the hosts now need 75 off 48 balls.

11th over - SA 71-3 A tidy enough over from Chris Martin is ruined fifth ball when a wide one is slashed away by Mark Boucher for a welcome South African boundary.

10th over - SA 63-3 Daniel Vettori - the star performer with the ball this tournament for me - comes on and it's just five off the over again. South Africa's asking rate is rising all the time here, though with Justin Kemp in and set that might count for little come the final overs.

"Sam - the fact that you just used the phrase "loathsome teenage oiks" is proof positive that you are entering the Twilight (Years) Zone."
Stuart, Bath in the TMS inbox

9th over - SA 58-3 This is another top effort in the field from New Zealand, who are aware that they will stay in Durban for the semi-finals should they win this match and top the group, with just five singles coming off Jacob Oram's medium-pace. A shot of a young couple in the crowd playing tonsil tennis ends the over - the sort of image that would normally have me retching but for some reason catches me unawares and a barely audible 'ah' spills from my lips. I really must be getting old.

"Why are you playing novelty marble based games when you should be providing insightful commentary. Not the sort of thing we've come to expect from the BBC's cricket coverage. You could learn a lot from Mr Dirs who is well know for his strict factual approach."
Steve, London in the TMS inbox

8th over - WICKET! Gibbs c Patel b Martin 19, SA 45-3 Massive wicket! Chris Martin bangs one in and Gibbs top-edges a swivel pull high in the air and Jeetan Patel takes a lovely catch. Mark Boucher comes in and hands the strike to Kemp immediately, the big right-hander responding with a huge pulled six to keep the Proteas score ticking over. I reckon this will go down to the wire you know... 53-3

7th over - SA 45-2 Jacob Oram comes on and it would appear South Africa are keen to target the man with the weakest fingers since Nasser Hussain... first Justin Kemp punches him for a glorious six back over his head, before he flicks another four over midwicket. Fourteen come off the over.

"Do you not mean LYON the bounty hunter. I think we have a new show. It can be the british version of dog. Now you need a rather short stumpy wife with a big bust. Jobs a good 'un."
Chris Churchill in the TMS inbox

First on my bounter-hunting list, Chris, would be those loathsome teenage oiks who listen to rubbish music on their mobile phone's speakers whilst using public transport. I genuinely don't think a jury of my peers would convict me if I wiped every last one of them out...

6th over - 31-2 Herschelle Gibbs finally opens his shoulders again, top-edging a waft outside the off stump down to third man for four, after Kemp's mis-timed pull over mid-on gains three runs.

Looking at that thumbnail below, all I'm seeing is Barry Gibb accompanying Dolly Parton. What's that all about?"
Rob, Guildford in the TMS inbox

5th over - SA 23-2 Ross Taylor is not covering himself in glory in the field, allowing Kemp to pinch a single on a misfield, and then allowing a Gibbs punch square of the wicket to go for four. Still no fireworks from the hosts, though.

4th over - De Villiers c McCullum b Gillespie 1, SA 17-2 Kerplunk! Two wickets in two overs for those belligerent Kiwis, Gillespie striking this time as De Villiers edges an attempted cut into the grateful hands of Brendon McCullum. Justin Kemp is tied up on his arrival at the crease and it's a wicket maiden.

3rd over - WICKET! Smith c McCullum b Bond 2, SA 14-1 Gone! Bond exacts his revenge, spying Smith dancing down the wicket and throwing down a wide one that the Proteas skipper can only edge behind going for an expansive waft. England hopes are lifted... A few singles off the rest of the over 17-1

2nd over - SA 14-0 Better work from Mark Gillespie, despite a front-foot no-ball that hands Herschelle Gibbs a free hit. Just two singles - one off the free hit - come off the over.

1st over - SA 12-0 Superb start from Herschelle Gibbs, the Proteas opener smashing two sumptuous fours to kick off the hosts' innings in style. The first is flicked through midwicket, the second crunched square and that's a wayward start from Shane Bond.

"Is anyone else picturing Sam dressed as Dog the Bounty Hunter with Ben Dirs dressed as Beth?"
Ben P Fowle in the TMS inbox

By the way, just to explain - McCullum's tattoo numbers (see below) don't refer to the number of caps he's won in each, but the number given to him when he was first called up - i.e. he was the 126th Kiwi to represent New Zealand in one-dayers and so on. I think. Now stop pestering me with emails about it - it was my editor's question not mine anyway! Although don't feel like you can't write in...

"I think NZ are doing what is most commonly referred to in the sporting world as 'doing an England'"
Tom, Leeds in the TMS inbox

20th over - NZ 153-8 Van der Wath takes the last over and McMillan does his best to get New Zealand up to a big total, top-edging an attempted pull over the keeper's head all the way for six. But four singles and a wide are all the Kiwis can manage off the rest of the over... I don't think that's enough people, England's hopes are on a knife-edge... Catch ya in 10.

"Where I come from, the comment from Jamie, Northants would be seen as a 'sneaky bid'"
Dave Heathway in the TMS inbox

"Surely the female sidekick has to be a South African, possibly one out of the crowd?"
Lindsay, Knysna, South Africa in the TMS inbox

19th over - WICKET! Bond c Boucher b Morkel, NZ 139-8 New Zealand are collapsing people! Morne Morkel is absolutely on fire out there and Shane Bond becomes his fourth victim, edging a riser behind where Mark Boucher holds on to a diving catch. And it's agony for Morkel later in the over - Morne bowling Mark Gillespie with a tremendous yorker, only to be denied a historic, and deserved, five-for by the worst no-ball call ever in the history of the game. Ish. 142-8

18th over - WICKET! Vettori c Morkel b Van der Wath 1, NZ 137-7 The boundaries have dried up for New Zealand at the moment, McMillan and Vettori relying on ones and twos, and the wickets they keep on tumbling! Kiwi skipper Vettori is the one to go, slapping an attempted pull to Albie Morkel who takes a fine pouch at midwicket and England's hopes of an unlikely stay of execution are slipping away here... 138-7

17th over - WICKET! McCullum run out 0, NZ 132-6 Oh dear! Nathan McCullum, so keen to impress on his debut, attempts a suicidal second run and he's run out by a mile by Van der Wath's throw from fine leg. Two wickets and just one run from that over - brilliant work by Morne Morkel.

"Sam Lyon PI - Fair enough, It has a decent ring to it, have you started auditioning for your beautiful female sidekick yet?"
Jamie, Northants in the TMS inbox

17th over - WICKET! Oram b Morkel 15, NZ 131-5 Morne Morkel returns with a bang! Full, straight and fast and Oram can't get any bat on it before it rattles the timbers behind him. He never looked at the races, Oram, but South Africa will be looking to keep New Zealand under 170 here.

16th over - NZ 131-4 Graeme Smith brings Pollock on for his last over in an attempt to stem the flow of runs, but it doesn't work despite his unerring accuracy. Craig McMillan has the ginger ninja in despair when he inside-edges a brilliant yorker inches past his stumps and away for four. He and Oram, who appears to be batting one-handed at times to protect that injured finger, then nudge around to make it 10 from the over.

15th over - NZ 121-4 Jacob Oram cuts one away for four and then BOSH! Craig McMillan comes to the part with a crackerjack straight over the bowler's head for a massive six, before clipping the next ball - a free hit for a front-foot no-ball - for four. The last delivery is smashed straight again by the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz for another maximum and that's 24 off Albie Morkel's over. His brother will be giving him a kicking for that later, I'm sure.

"Weirdly, in the ODI against Australia on 21st January this year, McCullum (shirt number 42) was out with the score 126-6, with New Zealand posting 218-10. Australia went on to beat that, with Mike Hussey scoring a six to take their score to 224-8...coincidence or what?"
Tim in the TMS inbox

Sometimes Tim, you people scare me...

14th over - NZ 97-4 Oram's not hanging about, having a look at just one delivery from Nel before timing one beautifully right of backward point for four. Nel comes back well, though, and yields just a single from the over - good stats from the former Essex boy, four overs 23-0.

"Impressive detective work there. Sam you should run a PI company through this text commentary, getting the reading minions to source things out - you've got a PI-esque name already too."
Dan W in the TMS inbox

Nice thought Dan, but do I use my powers for good or for evil...?

13th over - WICKET! Styris c De Villiers b Morkel 6, NZ 90-4 Albie strikes! The Morkels (sounds like an 80s US sitcom or something doesn't it?) are doing it for the Proteas at the moment, Albie this time luring Styris into a wild swipe and AB de Villiers taking an easy high catch at long-on. Jacob Oram comes in and it's just two from the over. 92-4

12th over - NZ 90-3 More productive over that for the Kiwis, Vernon Philander's introduction brings back the boundary frenzy - Craig McMillan smashing a huge six over extra cover and four singles make it 10 from the over. A quick glance around the crowd has most of the men, and not a few ladies, dribbling - those South Africans are a good looking bunch aren't they?

"...and 42 is McCullum's shirt number"
Tim P in the TMS inbox

Lovely stuff Tim P, and relax...

"McCullum's Roman numerals are his ODI cap number (126), test cap number (224) and 42 (the answer to life, the universe and everything?)"
Al, Oxford in the TMS inbox

Good stuff Al, we're getting close people... just the '42' to go... I can barely contain my excitement!

11th over - NZ 80-3 Albie Morkel comes on with the pressure of living up to big brother's efforts laying heavy on his shoulders, but it's a decent start, with just four runs coming off an accurate six deliveries.

"The Roman numerals on McCullum's arm read 126 42 224. They're my missus' vital statistics."
Anon in the TMS inbox

"Scary stuff - if you Google CXXVI XLII CCXXIV the top hit is this commentary!"
Andy, Ireland in the TMS inbox

10th over - WICKET! Vincent b Van der Wath 32, NZ 76-3 As Tony takes a bit of a kicking in the TMS inbox over his 'four-pint hangover' - I'm with you Tony if you're talking Stella, four pints of the wife-beater and I'm ruined - Lou Vincent continues to swing away, punching one over midwicket for four. But he's gone next ball! The opener playing all round a straight one and Van der Wath cleans up the stumps. Massive couple of overs this for South Africa, and it's not good news for England you think...

"I did have a look to see if I could find out what it meant. I ended up on a "Body Modification" site. With pictures. Sadly I didn't find the answer. More sadly-er - I don't think I'll be able to eat my lunch now."
Angharad in the TMS inbox

"Ah yes, McCullum's first school love, his Polish girlfriend CXXVIXLIICCXXIV."
Hammy, Blackpool in the TMS inbox

9th over - WICKET! Taylor c Boucher b Morkel 1, NZ 70-2 And it's two in the over for Morkel, who snares new batsman Ross Taylor in an exact replica of McCullum's wicket. Brilliant - and possibly crucial - fightback from the paceman.

9th over - WICKET! McCullum c Boucher b Morkel 38, NZ 68-1 Big wicket! McCullum goes for one flash too many and succeeds only in nicking a Morkel zipper behind where Boucher takes an easy pouch.

8th over - NZ 67-0 Van der Wath will turn his arm over for a bit, and McCullum continues on his merry way with a brutaliser over mid-off for four. Van der Wath is then penalised for bowling a second bouncer in the over and it's another profitable over for the Kiwis. The crowd has all gone a little bit quiet, bless 'em...

7th over - NZ 59-0 Morne Morkel comes on but fails to halt the scoring, McCullum chipping one over fine leg for four before smashing another boundary to bring up nine from the over.

"One of the better things about being older is being sufficiently responsible for your own workload in the office so that you can get away with sitting at your own computer with a four-pint-hangover and read the cricket updates instead of doing any real work."
Tony, Streatham in the TMS inbox

6th over - NZ 50-0 My cricket editor has just pointed out a picture of McCullum's rather funky tattoo and he is desperate for all you aficionados out there to explain what it means and it's significance... the Roman numerals CXXVI XLII CCXXIV are surrounded by some sort of floral thing. Yes, my cricket editor is a curious chap... Anyway, back out in Durban, Nel's head looks like it is about to explode as his over goes for another eight runs, including a brutal drive through long-off by Vincent. By the way, cheers to all of you have pointed out that Danny Morrison was a rather successful Kiwi bowler... I hang my head in shame. Sort of.

"A tip for any would be 'fake freshers'. When engaged in conversation with one of the fairer sex and the inevitable question of "so what are you studying" comes up it is important to pick a subject that a) makes you sound interesting enough (if even for only one night) & b) is unlikely to be the same one of your would be evening companion. Trying to make small talk on the finer points of Germanic Literature of the 19th century is NOT my idea of a fun Saturday night!"
Duncan in the TMS inbox

5th over - NZ 42-0 Shaun Pollock is starting to get some treatment now - you know how England played him the other night? Just like that, except the complete blooming opposite - and McCullum gets down on one knee to sweep him over midwicket for four before punching a full toss back down the ground for another. Vincent then takes up the mantle, lashing one through mid-on for a boundary, and this is turning into a very decent start for the Black Caps.

"With nearly all students taking a year out first nowadays, are they actually quite so fresh when they arrive at Uni?"
Guy, Gloucestershire in the TMS inbox

4th over - NZ 25-0 McCullum continues to swing freely and he outside-edges Nel down to third man, only for it to drop short of Albie Morkel. Nel reacts with all the restraint of a Brannigans in Romford bouncer and almost melts the opener's face off with a deadly glare. Vincent shrugs off all the shenanigans and pounds one back down the ground for a bludgeonous four.

3rd over - NZ 19-0 Brendon McCullum's had enough of this singles lark - in cricket if not romantic terms at least - and he dances down the wicket and launches one over mid-off for four before mis-timing a clip to the leg side gloriously for six. Bootiful stuff.

"Ken, absolutely you should stay for your son's freshers week. I remember, during my 7 days of drunken debauchery and very little work, thinking how much I wished my Dad was there to witness me make a fool of myself night after night and completely cramp my style. Go for it."
Darren, Stirling in the TMS inbox

2nd over - NZ 7-0 Andre Nel, possibly the angriest man in showbiz, will share the new ball with Pollock and he almost snares McCullum first ball, the opening batsman sending a leading edge just over mid-off's head. Still no boundary for the Kiwis, and this isn't what Colly's boys want at all.

"Right then boys. I can see Wazza, Pedro and Iron Man in crowd along with the Geese. Start blowing those trombones!"
Ben G in the TMS inbox

Nurse! I want whatever Ben's having please...

1st over - NZ 2-0 Shaun "I'm going to rugby tackle you when you take a run, sucker" Pollock opens the bowling for South Africa, and it's a typically tight over, yielding just two singles and it's a quiet start from Lou Vincent and Brendon McCullum.

1259: Right, the umpires lead the players onto the field, with the faint prayers of Paul Collingwood and the England boys drifting across the ground... come on the Kiwis, keep us interested will ya...

"I'm taking my son up to Newcastle Uni on Sunday - what's this Fresher's Week thing? What's my chances � should I stay on for a bit?"
Ken, Sheffield in the TMS inbox

Dad dancing is compulsory during Fresher's Week Ken, so you should clean up my man...

1253: So here are the teams in full:

South Africa: G Smith (capt), H Gibbs, AB de Villiers, J Kemp, M Boucher (wkt), S Pollock, J Morkel, V Philander, J van der Wath, M Morkel, A Nel.

New Zealand: L Vincent, B McCullum (wkt), R Taylor, S Styris, C McMillan, J Oram, D Vettori (capt), S Bond, M Gillespie, C Martin, N McCullum.

Umpires: B Doctrove and S Taufel

"Sam, if you want some help recapturing your youth then I suggest coming up to Newcastle for a few days and getting on it with the students. Freshers week starts Monday. Mine was 2 years ago but what the hell, any old excuse."
James, Newcastle in the TMS inbox

"Get on it with students"? Count me in James, count me in...

"Sam my dear chap , you have only just started! Worry not! I hit 50 next Tuesday, and will be paragliding (pressie from lovely family) to celebrate! Now hang your head in shame. (Although I did wonder why Hubbie was looking into life insurance the other day...)"
Carole, Maidenhead in the TMS inbox

1243: The toss is in - South Africa captain Graeme Smith wins it - and opts to field first. Does that play into Daniel Vettori's hands? The Proteas are boosted by the return to full fitness of Herschelle Gibbs after a hamstring injury, but Makhaya Ntini fell ill overnight and is replaced by Andre Nel. New Zealand replace Peter Fulton with Brendon's older brother Nathan McCullum, who is a spin-bowling all-rounder, apparently. How often do opposing teams each contain a pair of brothers you ask? I haven't got a scooby...

"In bed at 11pm? LOSER!!!"
Ruth P in the TMS inbox

"Danny Morrison...either took 160 wickets for New Zealand, or was a year below me at school. I hope it's the latter, he was pretty quiet at school."
Chris Skinner in the TMS inbox

1236: According to Danny Morrison (who?!), the pitch is the most "New Zealand-looking pitch I've ever seen" - good news for England surely? Bumble Lloyd, interestingly, thinks it might be a bat-first wicket with spin likely to take later in the day. Daniel Vettori's day? Hhmm... being the cynical old geezer I now am, I'm tipping the Proteas to win the toss, knock up 220 first up and then Graeme Smith to take six wickets as the Kiwis collapse to 100 all out...

1224: While we're waiting for the toss and teams, I want to share something with you. As a few of you know, yesterday was my birthday - the less-than-celebrated least-significant-age-mark-ever 29th birthday - and for the first time ever I'm feeling like I'm getting on. After a weekend of doing my best to relive the glory years, during which time I succeeded only in getting a mild headache whilst having a set-to with a lamp-post, Tuesday was my big day. I 'celebrated' with a quiet meal out with friends and was in bed by 11pm with a vitamin drink. Is there any hope for me left? Please??

"The pathetic reality of the situation is that both results for the South African's matches will likely go our way. But it's us that will fail to beat India today..."
Andy, Pessimistic Londoner, in the TMS inbox

1215: Afternoon all, we all pumped for a big day of high-class hump-it-and-love-it cricket? No? Ah come on...

Right, calculators at the ready - deep breath - here's the situation as I (sort of) understand it. Should South Africa beat New Zealand here, England are out. However, that wouldn't necessarily rule India out because they could go on to beat England later today (which, let's be honest, is more than likely) and then if they beat the Proteas tomorrow, the Kiwis, South Africa and India would all have four points and the two semi-final teams would be decided on run-rate.

So, basically, if you're an England fan you want New Zealand to trounce South Africa, England to then trounce India and India to then beat South Africa tomorrow. That would leave England, India and the Proteas on two points and the second team behind New Zealand into the semis would be decided on run-rate.

You know, when I started writing that it all seemed fairly simple, and now I just want a lie down...