Fifth Test, Trinidad (day one):
West Indies v England 258-2 (close)
England captain Andrew Strauss recorded his 17th Test century as the tourists made a solid start to the must-win fifth Test against West Indies. After winning the toss and choosing to bat first, England saw Alastair Cook (12) caught behind off Daren Powell. Owais Shah (29) put on 107 with Strauss but then retired hurt before Kevin Pietersen was bowled by Ryan Hinds. But Strauss (139no) made his ton and, aided by Paul Collingwood (54no), guided his side to 258-2 at the close. LATEST ACTION (ALL TIMES GMT)  | 606: DEBATE |
e-mail tms@bbc.co.uk (with 'For Ben Dirs' in the subject), text 81111 (with "CRICKET" as the first word) or use 606. (Not all contributions can be used) ENGLAND FIRST INNINGS CLOSE "If TMS cannot insist this gang of 13 year-olds at least pretend to be grown up by writing other than illiterate puerility let us have Sarah from Canterbury on te blog. Examples for the Unlovely dirs are, first, "chuck" and "cherry" are slang, Dirs, and surely even you have the wit to keep quiet about the truly cess-pit of England whence you come."
Andrew Jonhston -- taking a break from Cricinfo (which is ahead of you!), Boston MA in the TMS inbox 2101 - 258-2 Strauss clips Hinds to mid-wicket and Gayle brings in a leg-slip and a silly mid-off for the final ball, which Colly blocks. Rather muted applause from the crowd, and that wasn't the finest day's cricket you'll ever witness, it had all the intensity of a game of garage door tennis. Not wishing to take anything away from Strauss, but that was pretty poor from West Indies skipper Chris Gayle, who is clearly playing for a draw. Just to clarify that I don't think West Indies did take the new ball there at the end. Right, thanks for the chat as always, hope it's a bit spicier tomorrow, Tom Fordyce in the hot seat. 2057 - 256-2 "I do feel sorry for the people who have come to watch this," says Aggers on TMS, and I think the general consensus is that today hasn't been very good. No intensity, dribbly bowling and circumspect batting. Jimmy Anderson is padded up, Boycs sounds like he's going to blow a gasket. One more over. "Monty Panasar goes into Burger King and asks for two Whoppers. The serving lady looks at him and says: 'You're a fantastic batsman and your bowling is full of variation'."
Ross Purvis, New Haven, Connecticut, in the TMS inbox 2054 - 256-2 "This is like club bowling on a Saturday afternoon," grumblesSir Geoffrey on TMS as Hinds shuffles in to bowl, "it's soporific." One from the over courtesy of a Collingwood nurdle off his pads. Two overs left. 2046 - 255-2 England's 250 comes up courtesy of a flick on the walk to mid-on. Edwards, who's getting a bit of juice out of this pitch, squares Colly up again with a lifter. One for Strauss with a push into the covers before Collingwood picks up a single with a similar shot. The pom-pom girls, rivals of the Carib Girls, give it bunches between overs. Gingham skirts. Big fan. "Speaking of cricketers as cars, Angus Fraser once approached Desmond Haynes, West Indies captain and of course his Middlesex team mate. 'Hey Des, why have your boys nicknamed me Volvo?' said Fraser. "Don't you know man, it's because you so easy to drive!" replied Des. Gus went off in a sulk, but good cricketer that he was, he shortened his length by half a yard and took eight for not many in the next Test! Haynes was not too popular with his team."
Paul in Spain in the TMS inbox 2043 - 249-2 Edwards gets one to hold its line and square Collingwood up. Two slips in for Collingwood, but there's no interest for them there, Collingwood lacing Edwards through backward-point for four. A single to third-man brings up Colly's 13th Test fifty, and he's another man in fine fettle at the moment. It came from 108 balls and included four fours. 2038 - 243-2 Hinds gets one to stop on Collingwood and the England all-rounder very nearly spoons it back to the bowler. Another worrying moment for Strauss between the stumps, as Colly sends him scampering back. If the pitch is getting a little sticky, then that's good news for England. "I think we miss a bowler like Angus Fraser on this kind of wicket, someone a bit like Glenn McGrath who'll create tremendous pressure."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS 2035 - 241-2 Strauss drives firmly down the ground for no run before swivelling and dragging Edwards round the corner for one, plus a no-ball. A fuller delivery from Edwards to Collingwood, with a bit of late in-swing, but Collingwood smothers it. "Strauss is certainly a Volvo: a 1982 estate in blue with a pair of green wellies in the boot. Collingwood is a sturdy Ford Cortina whilst Cook is a Ford Fiesta 1.1 Poplar plus."
Adam, Cork, in the TMS inbox "I am currently stuck in a terrible place attempting to write an essay on Latvian foreign policy and there are few things better than 'puerile, immature' humour to help me out of it."
Rupert in the TMS inbox 2028 - 239-2 Collingwood nudges Gayle to fine-leg before the Durham nugget nurdles him to mid-wicket for one. Strauss picks up a couple with a slash just past Nash at gully. Not sure he picked that one up. The new ball is due, and after a couple of singles from Hinds's over, Edwards is chucked the new cherry. "Is there the remotest chance that the text coverage of puerile, immature and pointless humour on the BBC could focus less upon the Test cricket that the hosts indulge in, and more upon the puerile, immature and pointless humour?"
Dr Jeremy Marchant-Forde in the TMS inbox 2024 - 232-2 Strauss angles Hinds through point to move to 128. Decent crowd in, something in the region of 8,000 reckons Tony Cozier on TMS. Mike Bell (see below), I rather think you might be reinforcing Martin's point...
"Martin Adlam clearly knows nothing about pre-pubescent teens. As far as I know, none of them have the slightest interest in cricket."
Mike Bell, Ashford, in the TMS inbox 2020 - 229-2 As vibes go, this game at the moment is just above a Requiem Mass and just below an Enya gig. Strauss back-cuts Gayle to third-man ("at least all this spin is bringing the finish a bit closer," says the man to my left) before Collingwood blocks out the rest of the over. 2016 - 226-2 Full-toss from Hinds on leg-stump and Collingwood... oh, you know the rest... Strauss squirts Hinds through point for one... "Your comment about yards of ale had me thinking about a way to settle borefests like this series. Perhaps on the fifth day, batsmen should be asked to consume a measure of alcohol (I'd be in favour of a pint of beer) every over, until a result was reached. Should shorten the innings, and take cricket back to the halcyon amateur days. We might see the return of David Boon to international cricket as well. Not to mention that Freddie's injuries would probably mysteriously disappear."
Rob in the TMS inbox 2014 - 224-2 Gayle still being milkedwith ease, Strauss and Collingwood nudging and nurdling at will. Strauss rocks back and back-cuts Gayle for a couple to third-man. 2011 - 219-2 A stifled lbw appeal from Hinds against Collingwood - that was angling down leg. As Daniel in Manchester has just pointed out, Strauss is of course the fifth Englishman to score tons in three successive Tests abroad. I've got to be honest, this hasn't been a very good advert for Test cricket - delays galore and it's all a bit old-schooly scoring wise for my liking, it's fairly dribbling along. 2007 - 218-2 Collingwood punches into the covers, but it's well-fielded. No run from Hinds' over. New ball due in six overs I believe... Colly gets a thick inside-edge for one... "Re 1954. Was there a Panini sticker that caused more excitement than John Wark and his magnificent 'stache? Not in my house there wasn't."
Stewart Flaherty in the TMS inbox 2001 - 216-2 Gayle being milked like a faithful old moo - four singles from that over, time for some drinks. Martin Adlam (see below) - you may want to stumble upon a website called Cricinfo, it's very good, and speaks mainly of the cricket. This is a seriously long drinks interval, what are they doing out in the middle, yards of ale? "If Jimmy Anderson is a mark two Escort, then at the moment, surely KP is a Ferrari Enzo, sitting at the side of the road with smoke coming from the bonnet? While Andrew Strauss is the discreet Volvo passing him by looking at the driver with contempt?"
Steven from Lincolnshire, ignoring the mountain of work he has to do by Monday, in the TMS inbox 1956 - 212-2 Strauss picks up a single with apush to long-off - Gayle puts Colly in a bear hug to prevent him taking the run, but lets him go just in time. One for Strauss with a drive into the covers off Hinds, and Collingwood moves to 31 with a clip to mid-wicket for two. "Is there the remotest chance that the text coverage of Test cricket on the BBC could focus less upon the frankly puerile, immature and pointless humour that the hosts indulge in, and more upon the Test match? Or have I stumbled across a site and service run by pre-pubescent teens?"
Martin Adlam in the TMS inbox 1954 - 208-2 Strauss sweeps from outside off and gets a top-edge, but the ball finds wide open space and the England captain picks up one. Bit of turn there for Hinds - Colly lunges forward and is beaten. Disappointment on the face of Hinds, he looks like a man who has just opened a packet of Panini stickers only to find his 25th Steve Perryman inside. 1950 - 207-2 Strauss moves to 1,000 runs as England captain with a swat through point. Colly rocks back and cuts against the spin of Gayle to move to 29. Some grey sky rolling overhead, we've had a bit of rain in Trini of late. Still 21 overs to play today, although I'm not sure the light will hold. 1946 - 201-2 Andrew Strauss has the fourth highest 50 to 100 conversion rate in Test history of men who have made 10 tons or more. He's reached fifty 31 times, and made 17 hundreds. Two singles from Gayle's over as England pass the 200 mark. Collingwood flashes outside off-stump and is beaten. If this day's cricket was a comedian, it would be Tommy Cannon. "Players as cars - I like it. I see Jimmy Anderson as a mark two Escort!"
Tina - still waiting for tasty male pictures - Shrewsbury in the TMS inbox 1938 - 196-2 Strauss nibbles Hinds to square-leg for one. Shah's all padded up and ready to come in next. He's got a couple of plasters on his arms, looks like he's had injections for that cramp. One more for Strauss with a clip to mid-wicket off Gayle and Colly picks up another with a punch to mid-on. Funny old day this... "Hey Tom in New York (see below), you know what they say: 'nice on the phone, add two stone'."
David in London in the TMS inbox 1932 - 190-2 Strauss goes airborne, flashing Hinds to the wide long-off fence. Spunky lady. The England skipper picks up two more with a clip round the corner. Dennis Compton took 77 Tests to reach 17 Test tons, it's taken Strauss just 60. Strauss is also the fourth England player to score tons in three successive Tests, following Hobbs, Broad, Hammond (all in Australia) and Barrington (in India). "If you need emails I would like to know if the general public condone the use of the phrase 'fannying about' on the BBC website. I accidently used it today and sounded like my old man. Ruddy public sector workers."
John-paul, still in bed in Paris, in the TMS inbox 1929 - 183-2 There's Strauss's 17th Test ton courtesy of a crack into the covers. That's his third ton in successive Tests, he's really making hay as skipper. No idea what happened to Chanderpaul there, but whatever it was, he's just limped off. 1925 - 182-2 Strauss moves to 99 with a clip to mid-on - much too easy that - before Collingwood darts down the wicket and swats Hinds over the top for four. Collingwood really gorging on some rubbish here - if this is buffet bowling, then it's more Twiglets and Cheesy Wotsits than champignon filled voul-au-vents. 1922 - 177-2 They've had to shove the sight screen out of the way completely and some chaps are having to turn each panel round individually. If Powell was a car, he'd be a 1981 Bedford camper van - full-bunger which Collingwood dabs straight down the ground for four, followed by a leg-stump half-volley which Collingwood clips round the corner for another four. This must be manna from heaven for Collingwood, who's usually as skittish as a horse in a riot at the start of his innings. "Just received a text from a friend in the Trini Posse stand. Claims those lovely cheerleaders are all over him! Hardly fair as I am at work in cold wet Scotland. Boo!"
Mrb in the TMS inbox 1912 - 169-2 Strauss moves to 96 with a clip to mid-on for one and Colly keeps the scoreboard ticking over with a tickle to mid-wicket. Strauss squirts a drive down to third-man, and a direct hit would have got rid of him. The England skipper is just two short of his 17th Test hundred. Problems with the sight screen, it's stuck on an advert... "Love it when KP's out for a low score - would you like fries with your Hubrisburger, Mr KP?"
TrickieDickie, Hollywood (Still sunny, now 74f) in the TMS inbox "Question for Tom, New York 18:59 - was the person he was talking to on the phone male or female?"
Richard, CT, in the TMS inbox 1909 - 163-2 Two more for Colly with another clip to mid-wicket... and two more with a clip to square-leg. Maybe I'm wrong, but shouldn't Powell be bowling outside Collingwood's off-stump? Another ball on middle stump and Collingwood turns him round the corner for one more. Strauss is rapped on the pad attempting a pull shot, and Powell has it referred. The man upstairs decides Umpire Harper was right - it was probably a little bit high, and it also hit him outside the line. Any danger of some emails? 1859 - 159-2 Playersare back out after tea, and it's Collingwood with Strauss, not Shah... three balls remain in Hinds's over, and Collingwood is off the mark with a nurdle to wide mid-on for a couple. Classic Collingwood. "You know when you talk to someone a lot on the phone and then you meet them and they look like Merv Hughes? Just happened to me."
Tom, New York, in the TMS inbox 1837 - WICKET - Pietersen b Hinds 10 (England 156-2)
Gayle loses his line and Strauss helps the ball to the long-leg boundary. Splendid bowling from Hinds - first he gets one to grip and spin across the face of Pietersen's blade, before serving up an arm ball that cleans KP up. Hinds slides on his knees, football-styley, and that will make the tea go down that much better. A little bit casual from Pietersen, but super bowling from Hinds. Aaah, Sarah from Canterbury, have the others been ignoring you? Poor moo. "I'm still here, Ben! The woman formerly known of Sarah from Canterbury, now spurned by the Nice Men at the BBC! Bet you don't post this either! PS. WOOHOO for Amjad!"Sarah (no longer in possession of a TMS mojo), Canterbury, in the TMS inbox 1835 - 152-1 Left-arm tweaker Hinds replaces Nash and Strauss moves to 91 with a twirl through point. But Hinds is not going to be easy to get away on this track... when's tea? 1830 - 151-1 Just to confirm that Owais Shah can indeed return in this innings, he's not technically out. Leg before appeal from Baker against Pietersen, and it looked a pretty good one, although he was some way out of his crease. Nash off at last - 16 overs, 0-47. "Here's an unusual item from the BBC's news website today: 'Leg-break sailor waits for rescue'. Not much future in bowling of any kind at sea, I'd have thought."
John Starbuck, Huddersfield 1827 - 150-1 Pietersen and Strauss exchanger meaty punches into the covers, and Nash is still on - 16th over now, who'd have thought it. Strauss squeezes out a yorker and picks up one. KP scampers one from a drop to leg and Strauss nicks the bowling with a yank round the corner. That's England's 150. "Indeed us ladies are out there. On the subject of cricketers who have lookalikes, I always think that Stuart Broad looks like a tall blonde Spencer Moon from Eastenders (Alfie Moon's younger brother), who was played by Chris Parker. I also always have a strong urge to cook Stuart Broad a good hot meal. He just looks so little (in age if not in stature)."
Jo in Cambridge in the TMS inbox "Owais Shah didn't have cramp... it was rigor mortis."
Mohammed, London. 1817 - 143-1 Nash gets one past KP's outside edge, but the former England skipper is off the mark with a powerful punch through the covers for four. Rolex. And another! Full face of the bat and Nash is laced to the long-off fence. Talking of bad lookey-likies, a woman once told me on holiday that I reminded her of a darts player. When I asked which one, she replied "no-one in particular, you just remind me of a darts player". Weather was nice though. 1815 - 135-1 What poor old Sylvester Clarke would have made of this bowling attack, God alone knows. He took 942 first-class scalps at 19, and only got 11 Test caps. Wonky. One for Strauss with a clip off his hip. Any ladies out there? Seem a bit thin on the ground today. "You can't blame the kludge on IT types, it has been in use since before computers (virtually) existed in engineering terms, to describe a solution that is non-optimal, but will just about work. Us IT folk only invented the backronym for it - Klumsy, Lame, Ugly, Dumb But Good Enough."
Tom Evans in the TMS inbox 1808 - 133-1 West Indies think they've got Pietersen leg before - and it looked pretty plumb at first sight - but KP gets it referred upstairs and it pitched about a foot outside leg-stump. Umpire Tiffin should have spotted that, and that's the good side of the referral system. 1801: Stephen Byrne, Bootle, you have my permission to go home. Shah's got a bit of cramp in his hands, and the physio is on to do some manipulation. Tony Cozier's got the hump about it, he thinks Shah should be off. And he gets his wish, he's off... and here comes Pietersen... England could do with getting a move on... "I'm not sure Brendan Nash, who looks like a club bowler, and not a particularly threatening one, will be to Pietersen's liking... he likes a challenge, not dibbly-dobbly bowling..."
Vic Marks on TMS "Ah, Gidea Park - Paradise! How the other half live! I'm slummin' it high on yonder hill of Upminster."
punkfrock in the TMS inbox 1758 - 132-1 Bit of width from Baker and Strauss slashes him away for four. That was the 97,000th boundary in Test cricket. The hundred partnership is up. 1755 - 127-1 Short from Nash and Strauss slap him through the covers for four. An Aussie medium pacer bowling over after over for West Indies. If you had told Clive Lloyd back in the day that this would ever happen, he'd have assumed you were off your swede on meths. Strauss moves to 77 with a clip to mid-off. 1749 - 122-1 Lionel Baker is back into the attack and Strauss moves to 71 with a ping into the covers. One for Shah with a clip off his hip before West Indies blow another run-out chance - Strauss prods down the ground, Shah ball-watches, and if Simmons had have taken the ball cleanly, he would have been out. Cheechio (see below), I live in Romford (well, Gidea Park - Posh Romford), and if it is the centre of the universe, then that's a very sad outlook for billions of people across the globe. "Forget Glade, what this pitch needs is a bit of Shake N Vac to put the freshness back. Why have a roller when you could have a sprinkling of the 70's classic with a hoover at each end? Even might give us a chance of getting 20 wickets. Better use for the stuff, made my mums house smell like a chemical dump."
Cheechio, Romford, Centre of the Universe, in the TMS inbox 1741 - 119-1 Strauss flicks Nash round the corner for a couple, with wicket-keeper Ramdin doing the chasing. Strauss picks up one more with a larrup through point, and you know what? Players are going to have drinks. Talking of sporting lookey-likies, I always thought Chris Lewis (the former England all-rounder, not that bloke who John McEnroe beat in the 1983 Wimbledon final) looked like Admiral Ackbar off of Return of the Jedi. "Alfonses 'Arrow' Cassel is also a famous Montserratian. Who? The bloke that sang 'Hot Hot Hot'."
Anon in the TMS inbox "All this kharzi-related chat brought to mind a Scottish mate of mine who used to refer to the hallowed cubicle as 'the cludgie'. On Googling to check the spelling I was fascinated to learn that the IT chaps have adopted 'kludgy' to describe 'a clumsy or inelegant solution to a problem' - that'll be almost everything they do then."
Mick (Cambridge) in the TMS inbox 1738 - 115-1 Strauss sweeps to backward square-leg for one. Two leg-byes before Shah nearly gets a leading edge from an on-drive. Nice shot from Shah, staying back and clipping stylishly to square-leg for one. That's peche de la peche from Strauss, lunging forward and playing a deft deflection to the long-leg boundary. Good over for England, 11 from it. 1735 - 104-1 A shaky few minutes for Strauss, as this time he spoons Gayle just past the fielder at short mid-wicket. Quicker delivery from Gayle, and Strauss only just manages to squeeze it to third-man for two. Nash on middle and leg and Shah whips him away for one. Strauss waits on one and cuts for a single. "England just need to get to 200 and then they can start thinking about pushing on. I'd hate for them to start taking too many chances and then be 120-3..."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS 1727 - 98-1 Gayle loads the off-side and Strauss calls his bluff, walking down the pitch to Nash and whipping a ball from outside off-stump to the mid-wicket boundary. Strauss nearly gives his wicket away next ball, dabbing just short of Gayle at slip. Two for the shot. Strauss attempts to twirl Nash through the covers, but that's a fine stop from Simmons. Strauss is beaten by Nash's penultimate ball, the England skipper attempting to dab again. 1724 - 91-1 Chris Gayle brings himself on to bowl. There's Strauss's 15th Test match fifty courtesy of a clip to mid-wicket. He's converted more than half of those fifties into tons, which is nice. The England captain's nifty came from 118 balls and included five fours. Just one from Gayle's over. 1721 - 90-1 Smashing shot from Shah, who breaks the shackles with a whipped drive to the long-off fence. Nash still on, it's his ninth over now. This isn't the most riveting session I've ever seen, I'd rather watch the Bahrain Grand Prix. "Cheryl Cole=National Treasure! I hope there was some irony in your comment. As far as I am concerned Cheryl Cole exemplifies everything that is wrong with this country. I am sure she is to blame for the credit crunch, the breakdown of the family unit and the fact that England can't clinch a Test match. She can't sing either."
Dominic - Bored at work and taking it out on celebrities - in the TMS inbox 1716 - 86-1 Shah offered a bit of width but he's unable to find the gap in the off-side. Shah uses his feet, but again is unable to find space. Frustrating stuff out there at the moment. Edwards offers some width and Strauss, on 49, chases and misses. Strauss goes fishing again and is beaten, but it was a no-ball. Some chap dressed as the Queen in the crowd, and he's chatting to another very attractive lady. I find that dressing as a woman usually ups your chances with the ladies. SHE JUST BLEW ME A KISS! Grrr... a wide from Edwards, that's wild... 1709 - 84-1 "I feel it is somewhat sexist that you have not provided a picture of some tasty males to satisfy us ladies that are intently following the cricket updates!" moans Tina from Shrewsbury. For you Tina, I have included a picture of Jimmy Saville. Another maiden from Edwards - this pitch has all the spring of a bread pudding. 1705 - 83-1 I see the celebrity Comic Reliefers have reached the top of Mount Kilimanjaro. Bet Cheryl was happy to be told her old man's been involved in a spot of nightclub shenanigans in her absence. Cheryl Cole=national treasure. Not a great deal going on out in the middle, although Straussy does pick up one with a paddle round the corner. Scratch that, it was a leg-bye. 1659 - 82-1 Fiddle Edwards is back on. Nash, by the way, has just seven first-class wickets to his name, and just one in Tests - Matt Prior in Antigua. Attempted yorker from Edwards, and Shah digs it out. Shan picks up one with a push into the covers. "Re: Liam, Southend, I think you'll find that Bellamy and Attenborough are 'Naturalists'. Of course, they may also be naturists in their spare time, but if they are, they've been very discreet about it. With his longer reach and nimbler footwork, I think Attenborough would edge it."
TrickieDickie, Hollywood (Sunny, 72F, again...) in the TMS inbox 1655 - 80-1 The first ball of Nash's over was the 4,000,000th in Test cricket. Bearders will be having a little chuckle to himself up in heaven. How many of those were dot balls I wonder? Nash strays onto Strauss's legs and is flipped away for a couple. Lordy! That's some shaky calling again from Shah! Strauss dabs to gully, Shah sends his skipper back, and Devon Smith misses with the throw. He would have been out by miles. Shah is to running between the wickets what Jimmy Savile is to marathon running. "Arthur and Harold Gilligan, brothers who both captained England, were born in Denmark Hill, if that's of any interest?"
Gaz in the TMS inbox 1652 - 78-1 Good fielding from Hinds off a cover-drive from Strauss. No run. Short from Edwards and Strauss paddles him away, but doesn't time it. No run for Strauss, but a no-ball. You may be surprised to learn that the last 10 Test matches at this ground have produced a result, and only once has a side batting first reached 350. "I was in the nets at Kent on the day that Amjad arrived. None of us had met him before, let alone seen him bowl, so the first time we said hello to each other was after he had run up and bowled me a bouncer that nearly took my head off. The guy is a serious talent and he also happens to be one of the nicest men in cricket. Let's hope he can help us take 20 wickets when they bat."
Matthew 'slightly unhappy to be a lawyer now' in London in the TMS inbox 1647 - 76-1 Nash to continue, and what I thought would be a short-lived experiment from Windies skipper Gayle is turning into a decent spell. Australian-born Nash is proving hard to get away, and while he hardly poses the threat of a Roberts or a Holding, Shah or Strauss may well make a silly mistake against him. That's a maiden. 1640 - 76-1 All right? Players are back out, and most of you are probably already in the boozer. Loose drive from Strauss - thick inside edge - but the England skipper does pick up a couple with a clip to mid-wicket. Sir Viv on TMS, and he sounds like hot gravel being crushed under a door. "With regard to the Glade-ad kid. If I was his parents, next time we went for a happy meal at Maccy D's, I'd be lacing his milkshake with laxatives. See how choosy he is about his defecation location then."
Wizard, Grays, Essex, in the TMS inbox "I obviously realise he's not, and never has been, a cricketer, but I've always thought that the best sporting/animal lookalike was Chris Bart-Williams and Tigger. Anybody got better than that?"
Ben Evans in the TMS inbox "If you're comparing Harmison's intensity with that of your mother engaging in a Christmas family game, your upbringing was very different from mine. I'd rather face an over from Curtly Ambrose, with just a toothbrush to defend myself, than take on my mother at Balderdash."
Harry in the TMS inbox "Ben, I noticed you again totally mispelled 'carsy'. It's written 'kharzi' from the original "m'kharzi" (Urdu). I thought you would know that, given the amount of time you spend in there with your art pamphlets."
Doug in the TMS inbox "My favourite fact about cricketer birthplaces is that Hokaito Zhimomi, the first person from Nagaland to play in the IPL, comes from a place which, though in India, is closer to Phnom Penh than to Delhi."
Paul in Lancs in the TMS inbox "Totally disagree! Attenborough is all reach and reputation, but underneath it all, he has a big old glass jaw. 'The Beard' will work away, and win by KO in the 10th."
Rich M, Edinburgh, in the TMS inbox "Ben, I think you should announce that it was officially Flesh Friday in the City of London today - that glorious first day of spring when you notice the commuting ladyfolk proudly showing off their pasty legs and decolletage."
Rhinocerous, London, in the TMS inbox "I agree with Chris Read about the Auto-Update - where is it? At the moment I have to locate my mouse, move my mouse pointer all the way across to the refresh button, left click the button, release the button and then wait for the screen to reload all the information. Ridiculous! Its like the middle ages."
Mick, Birmingham 1601 - 74-1 Hinds, earrings in both ears, bowls the last over before lunch and Shah is happy just to smother his work. Decent first session for England, but I've got some horrible feelings about this - no pace in the pitch, it all looks very placid, and England are going to have plenty of problems weedling out 20 wickets on this... DON'T EMAIL FOR 40 MINUTES! As requested by lots of you, here's a picture of some ladies to tide you over. 1557 - 74-1 Shah moves to 20 with a flick to square-leg. Not exactly the most thrilling cricket this, but there's only wicket down and that's all that matters at the moment. Both men look in pretty good nick, and I fancy Shah to start opening his shoulders after luncheon. Hinds to bowl the last over before the break. "Amjad will be only the fourth person born in mainland Europe to play Test cricket for England. Ted Dexter (Italy), Paul Terry (West Germany) and Donald Carr (Germany) are the other three."
Will Marner in the TMS inbox 1555 - 73-1 Apparently I spelt khazi wrong. Sorry. Shah picks up a single off Nash with a nubbin to leg. Strauss slashes into the covers for a single as Amjad Khan has a bit of a root around up in the pavilion, nostril-wise. I'm going to go out on a limb and say Khan is the only Danish-born Test cricketers. No idea if that's right, but let's just say it is. 1551 - 70-1 Chris Gayle is going to turn his arm over. To Christopher Martin-Jenkins' dismay, he removes his cap at the last moment. Shah nibbles Gayle to mid-on for one, and there is just one from the over. "The boy states, quite clearly, that not only does he want a poo, but that he is going "to do a poo at Paul's". I think the young lad has a valid point. I, too, would like to do a poo at Paul's Glade-scented house. Anyone else up for it?"
Pete in the TMS inbox 1547 - 69-1 That's another ruddy maiden. On the upside, the pom-pom ladies are back. But that's a dreamy shot from Strauss, a clip off his legs for four. Poor delivery, but Strauss really is filling his boots when given the chance. But that's a bit wild from Strauss, a wild and windy waft outside off and he very nearly drags onto his timbers. One for the shot and Shah nicks the strike with a single of his own. "100% right on the Glade ad Dirsy. In 24 years I've never had such an in-depth discussion about faecal matter with either of my parents. If ever there's young man that needs a short sharp shock with a sock full of oranges, that's the boy!"
William Bradley, N. Ireland, in the TMS inbox "You should get the 'cricketers look like animals' thread going again. I still think my mate's Chris Gayle/Good luck Dragon from the Never Ending Story one is a sure fire winner."
Wes, MK, in the TMS inbox 1540 - 63-1 Brendan Nash may be very slow, but he's also proving very difficult to get away. That's his second maiden over. Danish-born England players, we've absolutely no idea at the moment. Did Hamlet ever play for England? 1536 - 63-1 Nash serves up a yorker and Strauss just manages to dig it out. Good solid over from Nash, you don't want to be losing your wicket to him. Width for Shah and he cuts Baker for four. Peachy stroke from Shah, a clip off his legs for a couple as he moves to 14. Steve Harmison spotted carrying some drinks down the steps - will he ever play for England again? Got to be honest, he's been playing with all the intensity of my mum playing Balderdash at Christmas of late. Drinks. "Just wondering what people's views are on who is the hardest naturist out of David 'The Beard' Bellamy and David Attenborough? Both keen visitors to Montserrat by all accounts. My view, Attenborough to do Bellamy in the third, by TKO."
Liam, counting down till 5pm, Southend, in the TMS inbox "Brendan Nash must be the slowest West Indian seamer I've ever seen... he trots up and bowls at about 70mph..."
Vic Marks on TMS "I was just saying Shah's name to myself (work's a bit slow today) and noticed that his initials followed by his surname sounds like his full name: OA Shah. Sounds like you're saying 'Owais Shah', but you're not...interesting no?"
Josh, London, in the TMS inbox 1530 - 57-1 Shah blocks out Baker's over. Good question Thomas Moffatt (see below), I've got my best men on it. Time for dibbly-dobblies, Brendan Nash is going to have a bowl. He's about as threatening as Harry Carpenter. "It's been mentioned that Lionel Baker is Montserrat's first Test player but what of Amjad Khan? Is he not the first Danish born player to play Test cricket?"
Thomas Moffatt, Douglas, Isle of Man, in the TMS inbox 1523 - 57-1 Shah, very much a frightened pony in the early stages of any innings, is off the mark with a sketchy single. Shah drops into the covers, Hinds throws and Strauss would have been gone had he hit. Oh my word, that is creme de menthe from Shah - first he straight drives Powell for four before lacing him through the covers for another. One leg-bye before Strauss clips Powell to mid-wicket for a couple. 1518 - 43-1 Powell gets one to nip back and rap Shah on the pads - lbw appeal, but that was going over. Another one jags back from Powell and Shah is rapped again, but that hit him outside the line. Eighteen deliveries now for Shah, he's still to score. Anyone seen that Glade air freshener advert where the kid refuses to evacuate in his own carsy and wants to go round his mate's? If ever there was a reason not to buy a Glade air freshener, that's it. "I find it very hard to believe Fidel Edwards as a threatening fast bowler. Whenever I see him, I can't help but think he looks like a turtle."
Pete, Norfolk, in the TMS inbox 1512 - 42-1 Strausspunches Baker into the covers for a couple. No more runs from that over. MORE SPECTACULAR WOMEN! Lovely. Not sure what happened to the auto update, don't really get involved in that sort of technological stuff, I used to get confused by Etch a Sketch. "Whatever happened to the truly delightful idea of auto update on the text commentary? Are we ever going to see sights like that again?"
Kind regards, Chris Read, failing to work due to a glorious sunny day outside in Chandlers Ford, in the TMS inbox 1508 - 40-1 Players wearing black armbands today in memory of all who died in this week's attacks in Pakistan. Shocking that, let's hope we get to see the good side of cricket over the next five days. Strauss drives into the covers - slightly uppish that - and picks up a single to move to 28. Apparently Danny (see below), Lionel Baker has got a bungalow just below Montserrat Caballé's left ankle. Big woman, big lungs. "Other famous Montserratians include inaugural member of the Norwich City FC. Hall of Fame, Ruel Fox. What do they put in the water down there?"
John, Manchester, in the TMS inbox "Is Montserrat an island? I always thought it was that large lady who sang about Barcelona with Freddie Mercury."
Danny, bored in the office, London, in the TMS inbox 1501 - 39-1 The Sky cameraman hovers on the Carib girls, dancing, as Aggers on TMS points out, with pom-poms and "very little else". Buffet bowling from Baker, and Strauss clips him off his legs for four runs. Shah chases, but is unable to get off the mark with an attempted drive. Woah! Baker gets one to nip back lavishly off the seam and very nearly clip the top of Shah's off-peg. That's drinks. 1458 - 34-1 Strauss appears to play at that one from Powell, but the ball evades his outside edge. Strauss picks up a single to fine-leg before Shah is squared up and edges a foot short of Gayle at first slip. Hairy moment for the Middlesex man. 1453 - 33-1 Lionel Baker is going to have a bowl - the first Montserratian - know you of such a word? - to play for the West Indies. Montserrat, population 4,488. That's smaller than Ingatestone. Exactly. Strauss nudges Baker to mid-wicket for one. Sir Viv reckons Trinidad is the place to party in the Caribbean, and that boy should know. "Ben - Bit cheeky of you to waltz into the office an hour late and then start laying down claims to 'shot of the morning'! Was there good coverage of the game on the No. 23 from Liverpool Street?"
Seb in London in the TMS inbox 1449 - 31-1 Dwayne Bravo on for Fiddle Edwards. Many thanks to Sam Lyon by the way for filling in, he really is a lovely man. Shot of the morning! Over-pitched from Powell and Strauss massages him to the long-off boundary. If that stroke was a pastry, it would be a chocolate eclair. Elaborate leave from Shah, who's still not off the mark. 1444 - 27-1 Sorry I'm late, my dad ate my dog. That actually happened to Manny Pacquiao, I reckon he might be quite hungry against Ricky Hatton on 2 May. Strauss nurdles to leg for a cheeky single. Edwards getting some hoop away from the right-handed Shah, but Shah having none of it. Little shot of the sea on the telly... that looks magnificent.
1437 - WICKET! Cook c Ramdin b Powell 12, England 26-1
Goddim! Alastair Cook, who despite scoring a hatful of runs in the last Test has looked about as comfortable as my dad in a dress out there so far this morning, goes to a ripper from Powell, the ball seaming off a length and just clipping the left-hander's edge and flying through to wicketkeepeer Ramdin. "There is a simple solution to the Bell/Shah/Bopara conundrum - genetically merge them all into one player Belshapara!"
Sportsfan87 on 606
Join the debate 1434 - England 22-0
A maiden from Fidel Edwards, but the seamer looks about as enthusiastic to be bowling on this wicket as a six-year-old who has just been told to finish all their vegetables. This pitch looks slower than an aardvark with a twisted leg. "RE: 1424: Bring Back Cricket (to BBC TV of course). Not that you are not doing a fine job yourself, young man."
Phil in Luxembourg via the TMS inbox 1429 - England 22-0
Another over and another single to Strauss, Cook ending the over with a firm push into the covers for a couple. The start to this Test has all the verve and energy of a Pensioners' rest home past the watershed hour at the moment. Maybe Dirsy knew what to expect and is saving his arrival for a late afternoon run-fest? 1424 - England 19-0
Another wobble from Alastair Cook as he flays at a wide half-volley but misses, the ball zipping past his outside edge by a matter of a supermodel's ankle. A Strauss flick round the corner for one is the only score from the over. "Noting the abbreviation "UEA" below (for University of East Anglia, I assume) I was reminded of a former flatmate who also attended that institution where the number of acronyms became so overwhelming that they renamed the place the "University of Excessive Abbreviation". An excellent moniker. Any thoughts as to an appropriate renaming in a similar theme for the BBC?"
Daniel W via the TMS inbox 1421 - England 18-0
Well well well - Daren Powell bowls down five deliveries without score and then garners a bit of bounce with the final ball, which Alastair Cook slices rather fortunately over the slip cordon and away for four. A loose stroke, that, probably too close to cut - but Cook shrugs it off and smiles doe-eyedly back at Strauss at the other end. A dozen ladies' hearts break at the Brian Lara Pavilion end. "A very gentle start for the England openers indeed. A scintilla of swing, no pace, a bit of bounce but no more... this looks a five-bowler pitch if ever there was one."
Vic Marks on TMS 1416 - England 14-0
A firm clip to leg brings Cook one and Strauss pushes a half-volley to long-off for a couple and, already, this looks a fantastic toss to win. "On the subject of predictions, surely it won't be long before Chris Gayle starts levitating at 1st slip, such are his powers of relaxation."
James via the TMS inbox 1411 - England 11-0
Andrew Strauss - a batsman barely recognisable to his own mother compared to a mere year or so ago - shows Daren Powell all the respect of a Tyrannosaurus Rex regarding a fruit fly as he crunches the seamer to the boundary on the cut first ball, before repeating the stroke off the final delivery of the over to the same end. I have to say, if Bopara is unfortunate to lose his place, Powell has got to be the luckiest man since Lucky McLuck of the Fortune Village, Luckyland to retain his, no? 1406 - England 3-0
A fairly nondescript first over from Edwards - a litte swing but about as much hostility as a kitten with a ball of wool - and Strauss gets off the mark with a nudge to leg, while Cook does similar, timing his somewhat better and grabbing a couple. "Prediction time: England to win on the 5th morning to square the series. the silver lining of squaring a series we should have won? Harmison to not be let near an England Cricket Shirt ever again (even in JJB Sports)."
Andrew in the UEA Library via the TMS inbox 1358: The players converge to observe a minute's silence for those killed and injured during the Lahore terror attacks earlier in the week, with every player also sporting a black armband. It is observed perfectly, and Fidel Edwards has the ball in his hand ready to take the first over. "I've seen some defensive line-ups in my time, but what are the Windies playing at???"
jojobreeze on 606
Join the debate 1356: Right, as Ben Stiller would say - let me hit you with some knowledge. Jerome Taylor's replacement Lionel Baker, a Stanford millionaire by the way, is the first man from Montserrat to represent the West Indies. Which is nice. Meanwhile, earlier today Trinidadian legend Brian Lara was honoured with the Queen's Park Pavilion renamed after the highest run-scorer in the history of Windies cricket. Which, again, is nice. "Shouldn't that last sentence of yours at 1346 read: 'This might be another doozy of a wicket for the batsmen... good job we picked 5 bowlers then'."
Andrew (always optimistic) in Cardiff via the TMS inbox 1353: First signs of the pitch are... it is very dry and there are already areas that look a little cracked and vulnerable. There's a touch of grass about, meaning it might be a bit two-paced, but generally we're expecting a slower, softer wicket than we saw in Barbados. Interesting, then, that the West Indies have dropped their spinner, while England have gone for a couple in Graeme Swann and Monty Panesar. Who will be proven right? 1346: That is, apparently, a big toss to win by the way folks. I can't say for certain because I am approximately 4,431 miles away (ah, the genius of the internet) sat in the BBC Television Centre, as opposed to the lucky few out soaking up the sun - and no doubt a few rum and cokes - at the Queen's Park Oval. Windies skipper Chris Gayle looks like he's been slapped in the face by an insolent teenager in his local boozer whilst admitting he would have quite liked first use of the pitch. Strauss, however, looks like he's slept with a hanger in his mouth. This might be another doozy of a wicket for the batsmen... "The thing about Bopara over Shah though is that the selectors have to be consistent. Shah is the replacement for a dropped Bell, and deserves a run. Bopara was merely a replacement for the injured Flintoff, which was expected to be a short term thing."
AlwaysOneShort on 606
Join the debate 1339: The news from the Windies camp is rather converse to England's. While England go with five bowlers and a batsman fewer, the hosts replace impressive spinner Sulieman Benn with an extra batsman in Lendl Simmons, while seamer Jerome Taylor is out injured, with Lionel Baker coming in. More defensive than a man caught by his wife at a gentleman's club in the early hours of the morning, that. 1334: ENGLAND WIN THE TOSS AND WILL BAT FIRST "Bopara gets a ton and offers an extra bowling option if needed, yet he gets dropped and Owais Shah scores just a handful of runs and offers nothing else retains his place. Hmmm..."
MagpieRH on 606
Join the debate 1331: Poor ol' Ravi Bopara, then, hey? The man returns to the side with a splendid, resolute and brave century - earned after being smashed in the face by a bit of Fidel Edwards chin music - and he is rewarded with the big fat drop. And what of Steve Harmison? The man can't even get back into a side that took a grand total of nine wickets at a cost of 749 runs in Barbados. That's not so much a nail in the coffin of Harmison's international career as it is a series of nails, sealed by a layer of concrete and set under a weight of 10 feet of dirt, surely? 1325: I don't know. A potentially huge Test for English and/or West Indies cricket - with the former aiming for a first Test victory since August(!) and the hosts looking to seal a first home series win in five years - and where's your host Ben Dirs? Fannying about on a bus from Liverpool Street having been held up by "tube trouble". This country huh? Anyway, the official news from the Queens Park Oval is that Amjad Khan will make his England debut today as part of a five-strong bowling attack. The unofficial news is that Ryan Sidebottom, Ravi Bopara and Tim Ambrose have been dropped, with Khan, Matt Prior and Monty Panesar in the starting XI. Thoughts?
Join the debate
| 
E-mail this to a friend 
Printable version 
Bookmark with:
What are these?