Fank matters: The home formerly known as Big Brother
Posted: Monday, 30 January 2006 |
Comments
Thank God Miss Hoolie is still in there. I assume Jackie Reid is there to give us laughs cos sure as hell Billy Connolly isn't - is he your token royal family member? I can see Lulu and Donald Trump hitting it off - you should organise a bad hair day competition. I have looked briefly at the Monarch of the Glen blog - I would not do it again without meedication. There are obviously people oot thair who think Glen Bogle really exists.
calumonthebells from eoropie bochan and cyberden
Thanks for your invitation. I would be happy to talk around appearance fees for the above event.
Westmorland Celebrity management from Penrith
Fanking? Is it good for you. I have heard rumours that it can make you blind. Or is that just the sheep dip.
Sorry, it had to come... from Lowest common denominatrix
Dear Miss Beag, I'm sorry to break this to you but Grannie from the Katie Morag books is not in fact a real person. Although she is a lovely character I regret to inform you that she is as makey-up as the Department of Weird Stuff at Clyde University. I'm sorry to shatter any fondly-held illusions that you might have on this matter but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Continuing on that theme you migh consider Gillian McKeith, the nutritional adviser as an alternative guest in your lovely home. Kind Regards A Reader (Miss) Librarian, Struay
A Reader (Miss) from Struay Library
Dear Miss Reader, I fear that you seem to be a figment of your own imagination. I can find no record of an island called Struay, let alone a library there. Let's try to keep it real.
Good Golly & Miss Mollie from Glenbogle
Please don't criticise the Monarch of the Glen website Calum. The tales of Lusty Lairds and their Flings are charming vignettes. More BBC more.
Barbara Cartload from Thrills and Swoon
A doctor writes Fanking is a splendid activity for raising the blood pressure and exercising all the vital muscle groups. Providing all the adults in attendance are consenting no sheep should get hurt in the process. It is a good idea for fankers to wear their dungarees outside their wellingtons. You can go blind if you get sheep dip in your 'mince pies' otherwise the activity holds minimal risk. Some fankers have gone on to lead normal and successful lives as actors, BBC employees and one till recently managed Newcastle United. I hope this is the kind of informed comment for which you are searching?
Doctor Angus Cheviot from 'Fanks a Million' Cottage, Eweig
Dear Miss Reader, I don't know what to think about Katie Morag's Grannie. I'm fair upset about finding out she's not real. Your suggestion about the McKeith woman is a non-starter though. She has already been to Ness before and it didn’t work out at all well. She was going to have a Swainbost woman on her first series of ‘You Are What You Eat’, but it wasn’t a success. She did the usual thing of asking Murdina to keep a food diary and then set out to show her all the food she gets through in a week, laying everything from the list out on a big table. Amongst other things, Murdina’s list included: 3 whole marags (black puddings), sliced and fried, 2 white puddings, also sliced and fried, 1 braised sheep’s head, 4 portions of sheep’s head broth, 3 fried herring in oatmeal, 5 plain loaves, 7 mutton pies, a bucket of winkles, a barrel of salted saithe, 8 Paris buns, 10 bottles of Irn Bru, 2 flagons of Granny’s Ginger Beer, 4 bottles of 80 Shilling Scottish Ale, a vat of tea, a tray of ceann cropic, a packet of Penny Dainties, 2 trays of butter tablet, 4 bags of wrapped sweeties to suck in Church, a pillowcase full of dried carrageen for puddings and a guga dinner with four tablespoons of mashed neeps, four boiled potatoes, tinned peas, three Yorkshire puddings and gallons of gravy. Dr(!) McKeith laid the food out in the Cremola Suite at Cross Inn, thinking she’d shock Murdina into some daft diet - but the Ness over 60’s Lunch Club arrived before the film crew got there and cleared every last morsel. They were thrilled to bits with such a magnificent spread. Gillian McKeith knows when she’s beaten and the episode was never shown. I don’t think she’ll be back in a hurry.
Annie B from Lone Sheiling
It's been suggested that J K Rowling might replace Katie Morag's Grannie on the list. She might be persuaded to write 'Harry Potter and the Big Pan of Guga' while she's there.
Annie B from Lone Sheiling
Did she write Ali Morrison and the 40 Thieves or was that someone else? We'll need extra tilleys in the black house if she's going to write in there. You can hardly see past your nose end as the lads didn't put the leccie in. Cross stores has a good offer on jotters at present but I don't see Lionel School as Hogwarts somehow?
calumannabel from The Rowling Road Dell Garage
Calum, you’re probably thinking of ‘Agnes Anne Morrison and the 40 Funding Bids” by the EU Cultural Commissioner in Budapest. Obviously Sunny should have first dibs on supplying general stationery for the Fank but Ms Rowling would be well-advised to get a special order from W H Smith near Garry Sands. I’m sure she’d love a Garry Jotter and Extravaganza Pen. Not that this is helping with the Homemates selection......
Annie B from Lone Sheiling
And there was me thinking Garry Sands was an IRA protestor/ martyr when all along he was neighbour to a stationery shop. If you think my history's bad ...wait till you see my geography
calumannable from South Dell Asia
Niseach meanderings. (Niseachs come from Ness - the villages in NW Lewis from South Dell to the Butt.)
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