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The Tabling Ritual When Oliver Pitt's post appeared on the Home Truths Message Boards, babbling about a family ritual involving squeezing through the legs of their table, there was only one thing to do - invite Oliver and his Aunt Fiona in to explain it all to John Peel... Oliver takes a breath, "The art of tabling involves a table in our family house down by the sea. We have a ten foot table that can easily seat fourteen. On large family reunions and holidays, around Easter, we undertake this er...ritual! There's two legs either end of the table which are Doric and slightly conical, so there's a smaller gap at the bottom than the top. The gap between the two legs is about eight inches on average. Running underneath the table there's a plank. After imbibing a certain amount of alcohol and having a nice meal, it is suggested to new guests who've not done this ritual before that they might have a go. You descend to the table legs and try to slide in between them and along the plank - you must stay on the plank - until you reach the legs at the other end of the table."
Fiona, Oliver's aunt, and one of eight brothers and sisters, is considered a champion Tabler. The game began twenty years ago, with the eight Pitt siblings trying to outdo each other in the Tabling ritual. John asks whether a portly chap such as himself would have trouble. Fiona tells him, in a saddended tone, "There's no hope, I'm afraid," then adds helpfully, "Well, you could start leg-wise - you might get your hips through, but your problem would be your chest."
"I knew this whole business was going to be a disaster," says John, gloomily.
New guests at the Pitt family table are issued with a challenge. "People have a look of total disbelief on their face when this happens," says Oliver, "especially with the ensuing cheers of people round the table, camera flashes, and dogs trying to lick every inch of you..." Oliver's father, George, is so keen on the game, he's bought an identical table so that the game can go on all through the year in his house. The original table came from Heals. In the 1990s, the shop bought out replicas of classic 1930s designs and George leapt at the chance of a bleached Beechwood replica. "The table needs to be well-made, because when certain members of the family attempt to get through, the it leaves the floor!" says Oliver. Touching the floor either side of the plank running between both sets of legs is absolutely prohibited. If you do you have to start again. (There's some dispute about the rules, and it's beginning to look like The Art of Tabling Rule Book may be compiled in the near future.) Oliver insists the Floor Rule is unbreakable, but his Aunt Fiona protests, "I don't agree with that. The challenge is getting through the legs. Last time I just couldn't get my chest through, but I went out and took off my bra, because I felt if I could spread my breasts, I would have more hope. Then, my hips wouldn't go through and I was stuck half-way."
"I was reaching for the tub of lard at that point," says Oliver.
"I think my body will have to be greased for the next attempt." agrees Fiona. Weird family rituals, strange initiation ceremonies - you know the type of thing - tell us about them in the Home Truths message boards If you have a photograph of a ritual in action which puts the Art of Tabling is the shade, you can email it to [email protected]
or send it to the
Home Truths Website,
Room 6103, Broadcasting House, London W1A 1AA.
We may be able to include it on the website.
Please note that regretfully we won't be able to return photos, so do make sure you don't send your precious only copy.
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