Last week Julie Pilsworth talked about the suicide of her son, and how living with the fact does not mean that she has every really got over it. Sally, was 12 years old in 1957 when her mother committed suicide. She talked to Home Truths about the lasting impact her mother's death has had on her life... Sally was an only child and close to her mother, "She was kind, happy and everything a mother should be," says Sally "She was everyone's friend, until she was ill." Sally descibes her father as "a workaholic" and "a bit remote." Sally was 11 when her mother changed. "There was no laughter any more - all she wanted to do was sleep," says Sally. "She became very sad, withdrawn." Sally tried to find out what was the matter, but her mother wouldn't or couldn't tell her daughter what was wrong. Gradually Sally took on the housework and the care of both her parents.
One of hardest aspects of the the situation, which recurred throughout Sally's life is that no-one would talk about what was wrong. Eventually, through listening at doors, Sally heard the phrase 'the change of life'. Sally read up about the menopause in a medical book but, as she explains "It was a taboo subject. Mother didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it."
Sally's mother committed suicide on 21 August 1957. "It was a terrible day. The date will be imprinted on my mind forever." That day, Sally and her friends has returned from the beach early, and her father was at the station to meet her. "He didn't say anything at all," says Sally "I said to him 'Where's Mum?' He didn't say anything, and I said, 'She's dead, isn't she Daddy?'. He just held my hand. And she was. I couldn't cry, I was so shell-shocked." Sally's mother had taken an overdose and drowned herself in the bath. Her daughter was devasted and without a confidante, she kept her feelings to herself.
Believing that his daughter would be unable to cope with the funeral, Sally's father took her to stay with friends. Soon after, he told Sally that he felt he couldn't look after her properly, and she went to live with an aunt and cousins. Her new family was kind to her, and Sally liked her new school, but again the silence followed her, "They never talked about my mother's death. I never brought up the subject because I didn't think it was the thing to do. It was almost as though my mother never existed. It was probably their way of dealing with their grief." Sally herself found it hard to grieve, crying rarely and always alone.
Sally kept in close contact with her dad, returning to live with him at 16. They rarely mentioned Sally's mother.
When Sally married she had two sons, now 32 and 29. Sally admits that she continued the pattern of silence that had been imposed on her, "I didn't make a big issue about what had happened," she explains, "I didn't think they'd want to know. Of course they know now!"
Over the last few years things have changed. Sally's very close to the cousins and aunt with whom she lived, and has talked at length with them about her mother's death. "It was the way it was in the 50s," she says. "Suicide was totally taboo then. It was even a crime! It would be dealt with so differently today."
