Most people wish for something about their person to be different, long legs, white teeth, more hair. But people with Body Dysmorphic Disorder become almost paralysed by horror of their own bodies. Jane Bartle, now thirty-one, has struggled with Body Dysmorphic Disorder for years without understanding what was wrong with her... Jane's distress over her appearance became evident in her teens. Softly spoken, and sounding slightly nervous, she explains, "I was very gawky then, and very skinny. I was one of the tallest at school. I wore glasses and my teeth stuck out. I was bullied about my appearance and I had dyslexia." Jane began to dislike her body, especially as the other girls began to develop curves, "I was still very skinny, but when I did get curves, I freaked out."
The image Jane carried round in her head of the woman she wanted to look like was Madonna. "She was skinny at the time, and the waif look was in. I wanted to still have an incredibly skinny figure. I was getting a bit of a bum, and I remember looking at it for hours wishing it would go away."
Jane spent a lot of what she describes as "mirror time" checking bits of her body, keeping eye on any changes. Her family knew something was wrong, but not the extent of Jane's horror at her own body, "A lot of it is hidden. You check yourself in private."
Schooldays were lonely for Jane, "I didn't have any friends. I was bullied by most people. I've always found it hard to make friends. Girls tend to be quite envious. They always think I'm going to nick their boyfriends. They talk about my looks like I shouldn't have a problem."
Apart from her Mum, Jane found it hard to find anyone to talk to about her problems. "She was sympathetic, but there wasn't a great deal she could do." BDD has made a career impossible for Jane, "I've never had a job. I was so insecure about my own abilities. I thought I looked awful and couldn't do anything either. I'd love to work in TV or be an actress. Put me on the stage, I can appear incredibly confident, because I am underneath it all."
Feeling as she does about her appearance, friendship and relationships with men have been more or less non-existent. "I've just made a new friend. Last week when we went out, men will stop and stare, but won't come over. When I try to chat up them, they run a mile!" Asked if she's looking for someone 'perfect', Jane answers with an emphatic,"No, I'm not. I want someone perfect for me - equally daft!"
Last year, watching the BBC programme, Inside Story , Jane finally managed to put a name to her condition. "It was a relief to know that I'm not the only one. A lot of people are mis-diagnosed." Jane went to her doctor, and is currently waiting for a referral to a clinic which deals with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. "I've worked on myself very hard. I've stopped checking as much as I used to do. I'd like to set up a place myself. I don't think anyone understands the illness like another sufferer. If they say, 'My ankles are too fat and I can't get it out of my head', I know exactly what they mean."
Jane has good days and bad days, but is still in search of relief from BDD, "I want a day's peace!" she says, almost desperately, "Not worrying what my legs or body are like. Not worrying what people think of me!"
