Mary found an email on their home computer that she presumed was addressed to a woman. She confronted John who assured her it was an innocent correspondence with a female friend. Six months later in the course of an argument it all came out in the open.

"I had found on the computer the names of gay chat rooms and thought nothing of it. My husband has a sense of humour. I assumed he'd just been curious. What about the gay chat rooms? I shouted. And the colour drained from his face...and he simply replied what do you think?"

In some way he admitted that he was gay and Mary's reaction was so what? which may seem very strange now, but it seemed very reasonable at the time. Mary had no inkling at all throughout her 24 years of marriage.

The next day Mary privately fell apart and called the gay switchboard and spoke to a few people. But it took Mary a long time to fall apart. It took her a few years to stop thinking that he was still the same person.

Although had started to come out to himself he wasn't very happy about that and he wanted to go back to living what he saw as a normal life. He wanted to remain in the marriage and remain monogamous and forget that the whole thing ever happened.

Eventually Mary pushed him to confront his sexuality and convinced him that he should be in contact with other gay people. John had known in he was different since the age of nine.

"I do understand that when he married me that it was never going to make any difference and it was never going to have to come out. We had an amazing second honeymoon period just after it all came out in the open. We fell in love with each other again. But it didn't last."

Eventually John began to make more friends in the gay community and gradually he began to accept it himself and he decided he wanted more. Mary found it very difficult to come to terms with the lies and went through periods of extreme anger. Her children too, felt that part of their lives had been a lie. She did feel rejected.

In the end they decided to have an open marriage, and both John and Mary began dating other men. They still inhabit the same house and are very great friends. John now has one exclusive partner, who Mary has never met.

"Having felt deceived for so many years I am ultra-sensitive about being completely open to new partners."

The divulsion was very difficult for the couple's 2 children. After rocky periods of coming to terms with the lies and the changed situation, both son and daughter have a strong relationship with their father. They carry on a normal family life.

"Its very much like a bereavement. Except that with death your partner is gone. When you find out your partner is gay you have to live with that knowledge but with hope also." John and Mary know they will separate in the end. They have set several dates which have all come and gone. They are both quite comfortable with the situation, but know that living together will come to end very soon.