How many laughs do you think we'll get for this?

Pray silence for the turkey of the year. Highly appropriate since it's called The Animal. This film makes The Martins look good!

Nigel Bell

There is puerile humour and then there is The Animal, which is simply not funny at all.

I struggle to think who will appreciate this film. It's surely too dumb even for the American Pie 2 crowd (at least that film has some decent laughs).

There's dumbing down and there's dumbing down. This film goes deeper than the lowest shaft in one of Nottinghamshire's remaining coalmines.

Let's not beat about the bush. The Animal is rubbish.

Look I'm all wet. Isn't that funny

Rob Scheider plays a police clerk who wants to follow in his father's footsteps and become an heroic officer.

While answering an emergency call he's involved in a car crash (when he has to swerve to avoid a seal!).

Like the Six Million Dollar man he's rebuilt, but animal parts are used instead of hi tec eyes etc.

The result is our hero (!) Marvin develops a super sense of smell, allowing him to detect a drugs trafficker. His reward is a place on the police force.

Sadly Marvin has trouble controlling his animal urges. He chases a Frisbee like a dog, has a dog flea collar put on him to stop him scratching and constantly sniffs butt. How funny - not!

This is a poor man's Jim Carrey. Schneider is a star of America's Saturday Night Live programme and friend of Adam Sandler. Even if you like their type of humour you'll struggle to find the jokes in The Animal.

In a film with no redeeming points the nadir is met when Marvin smells a goat in heat and spends the next seven minutes making a pass at said creature.

I kid (kid - ho ho) you not. Avoid at all costs.