Scene One
Christmas Eve in the Bully. Wizard are wishing it could be Christmas everyday on the jukebox. Harry Carson is putting out nibbles on the bar with the help of Jade when Trish comes through from the back wearing a Santa coat that occasionally gives a tantalising glimpse of her Christmas knickers and fishnet stockings. JADE: Mum!
HARRY: Trish!
TRISH: What? You both said I never got into the mood of things at Christmas, so this year I am doing.
HARRY: But, but, you
JADE: Mum, you can't.
TRISH: Why can't I? I am going to give the regulars a bit of a treat and I think your Dad rather likes it. Harry, grinning like a maniac, grabs Trish and lifts her on to the bar. Trish begins to gyrate up and down the bar wiggling her bottom at the empty pub. HARRY: Dance for me you sexy beast.
JADE: Urgh. Sickos the both of you. I will never live it down if you are seen like that.
TRISH: Oh, stop your pouting, I'll take it off by opening.
HARRY: I should get a move on. I opened early today. What can I get you, Sam?
SAM: I'll have a glass of whatever she has been drinking and Keef will have two. Trish is stuck on the bar because Harry and Jade are sitting on the floor clutching their sides, laughing. From nowhere the bar has filled with regulars. Harry eventually helps her off the bar and she starts to serve drinks. Harry suddenly looks pale and leans on the bar for support. TRISH: We are out of lemons. Nip over to the Quicks and see if they have some. Sam, don't eat all my tapas. Here, have a free bag of peanuts instead.
JADE: You want me to go, Dad? Dad are you OK?
HARRY: Yes, indigestion probably, or your Mum has put on a few pounds. I'll go for the lemons and get some air.
JADE: OK, but you really don't look well. Scene Two A few moments later Harry is hurrying across the gardens when he passes Sid on his way to the Bully. SID: Pub open yet?
HARRY: Yes, and there is a crowd already.
SID: Look cold, Harry. No coat? Bad form that man, catch your death.
HARRY: You know me, Sid, strong as a donkey and twice as stubborn. Sid continues on his way huddled against the cold. Harry takes a couple of steps and then leans against a tree for support. He is pale and shaking. Suddenly he doubles up in pain and clutches at his left arm. The pain is so intense that he only manages a further step before collapsing behind a small bush. The Kineallys stroll through. CRAIG: I still don't get it.
EDDIE: The joke is, the barman said 'I don't care who you are, fatso, get them animals off my roof'.
CRAIG: But, surely he would recognise Santa.
EDDIE: Hey, I have an idea, why don't you not talk for an hour and give me a rest.
HARRY: (weakly) Strong as a Donkey, that's me.
CRAIG: Did you hear that? Bloody hell, Eddie, there's someone in that bush!
EDDIE: Well take a look then, you plank.
CRAIG: It's Harry Carson and he looks in a bad way. Remember when Uncle Billy had that heart attack? Well he looks like that. I'll ring an ambulance. Craig stands back while Eddie examines Harry. EDDIE: Can you hear me, Harry? Harry? Nobody driving here, I reckon. He'll be a gonner soon. Put the phone away, Craig, let's let nature take it course shall we?
CRAIG: Come on, Eddie, that's a bit too far, bruv. I mean it's like murder.
EDDIE: Did we give him the heart attack? No. Would he have died if we hadn't have seen him? Yes. So how is it wrong? If nobody sees us nobody cares, right? Come on, let's get that pint.
CRAIG: Eddie, please, bruv. I don't like this. I don't think this is right.
EDDIE: Craig, I think we have established that you and thinking are not on good terms. Now come on. He sets off towards the pub trailing a very concerned Craig behind him. Scene Three Meanwhile in the Bully the crowd is thickening. JADE: Mum, I am not supposed to work behind the bar.
TRISH: It is just for few minutes until your Dad gets back. Eddie and Craig enter and wander to their favourite table. Keef is already sitting there. KEEF: Chaps, why don't you join me?
EDDIE: Better still, why don't you sit somewhere else?
KEEF: Good idea, see ya. Craig goes to the bar for drinks. TRISH: Yes, Craig?
CRAIG: Two lagers, please. Trish, we never had a problem right? I mean, I know me and Harry had a few run-ins, but you and me have always been OK, right?
TRISH: I suppose so, yes. Why?
CRAIG: Nothing. Where is Harry? Shouldn't he be back by now?
TRISH: Actually yes, He went to Quicks, probably having a drink with them.
CRAIG: I don't think so. Maybe you should go and look for him. In fact that would be a really good idea. He leaves the bar with the drinks leaving Trish to ponder his words. She is suddenly struck with a feeling of dread. TRISH: Jade, I will be back in two minutes. Scene Four Outside in the Gardens Trish runs from the pub into the cold night - shivering in her Santa outfit and tottering on her high heels. She pulls her shoes off and runs along the grass of the Gardens. A good job, too - from the path she would never have seen Harry. TRISH: Help! Someone, help! Tommy and Rita Wray hear her cries for help and rush over. Tommy throws his coat over Harry and Rita heads to the pub to call an ambulance. TRISH: You had better be alive, Harry Carson. I will never forgive you for pegging out on me. Don't you dare leave me and Jade to do all the work in the pub again. Scene Five Back in the Bully, Rita rushes in and grabs Keef. RITA: Put those dodgy mobile phones you sell to some use and call an ambulance to the Gardens.
KEEF: What? Why? Who needs an ambulance?
RITA: Did I say "And let's hold a knitting circle meeting to discuss it?" Do as I say or so help me
Keef is already dialling. JADE: Rita? What's wrong?
RITA: Jade
Listen, lovely, I don't want you to panic.
JADE: Dad, oh my god. Dad! Jade rushes from the pub. KEEF: Ambulance will be about five minutes. Around the pub the regulars have started moving towards the door. Rita moves behind the bar as Tommy enters. RITA: And where do you lot think you are going? There is enough to cope with out there without you reprobates swan-necking. Tommy, get behind here and serve some drinks. I will go wait for the ambulance. Scene Six In the Gardens Trish is cradling Harry's head in her lap while Jade talks gently to him. JADE: Come on, Dad, who am I going to bum money off if you go? Wake up, please.
RITA: Has he said anything?
TRISH: No. The pub - I can't go in the ambulance. What about the pub?
RITA: Me and Tommy will sort that out. We will keep it open for the night for you.
TRISH: Really? Thanks, Rita. Why though? You and me, well
RITA: Let's call it for Harry and Jade then, eh? You and me can go back to being enemies later. Here is that ambulance.
PARAMEDIC: Can I have some room, please! What's the patient's name? Rita slips away back to the pub. For moment she stands in the doorway watching the paramedics wheeling Harry to the ambulance. RITA: God bless and good luck, Harry Carson. Scene Seven Back in the Bully a subdued crowd awaits Rita. RITA: Harry is on his way to hospital. Now, he is not the sort of chap to want you moping, so what say we do what he would have wanted and have nice Christmas Eve sing-along or something?
KEEF: Don't really feel like singing, Reet.
RITA: Well what about something quieter then? Come on - all together. "Silent night, holy night
"
KEEF / SID / SAM: "All is calm, all is bright
" In the ambulance the doors slam closed on the Carsons. ALL: "Round yon virgin mother and child
" The blue lights reflect around the pub as the ambulance moves away. Eddie and Craig push through the crowd and out into the night. ALL: "Holy infant so tender and mild." In the ambulance
PARAMEDIC: He is in full arrest! Put the siren on and your foot down. I am going to try to resuscitate him. Back at the Bully ALL: "Sleep in Heavenly peace
"
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