So you've had a few too many doubles in town and you take a girl back. it’s all-good, huh! A bit of pillow talk and then you're down to business… the alarm goes off… you’re late for work. “Sorry darling’ you’ll have to go… I promise I’ll call you… I’m a bit itchy… I wish I’d worn a condom!” The STD test is shrouded in mythology that has led to a whole generation of terrified youths, so as a journalist and a student I ventured into the world of the cotton swab for the very first time. “Excuse me can I book a test for STDs please?”
“Of course you can, don’t worry you’re not alone” With an appointment at 2.10pm, I approached the local GUM clinic. The waiting room was full of mostly young people: about equal numbers of male and female.  | | Chris gets swabbed! |
No-one looked up from the article in their Readers Digest, all with the same slightly red cheeks. The strangest thing though, had to be the choice of music. I don’t know whether 70’s disco tunes are supposed to relieve tension but they had it on rotate! “Christopher!” yelled the middle aged nurse. I was led in to a side room and told to sit down. Now I didn’t have a clue what to expect. Was I supposed to take off my pants yet? No, we just had a chat and she turned out to be lovely; this nurse was so friendly that answering normally embarrassing questions about oral sex turned into chit-chat! There didn’t seem to be anything wrong with me, but the way I looked at it was that I didn’t want to come back again, so I’d have the whole lot checked. (Might as well get your money's worth!). I was led into another room across the hall; again two smiling, middle-aged nurses greeted me. Now if you ask me, it really can’t be that good a job, so I got a bit worried… and rightly so! | "Next thing I knew I was lay on my back with cotton swab in…well, a tight spot!" | | Chris Ackerley |
Next thing I knew I was lay on my back with cotton swab in…well, a tight spot! My toes curled and my eyes watered, but I had my journalistic integrity to uphold so I continued in the name of students everywhere! Feeling slightly violated, the ever-cheerful nurse led me into yet another room and told me to wait. At this point worry set in: was this room for probing too? Fortunately a small blood test was all that was required and I was allowed back into the waiting room, to tap my foot to Kool And The Gang! Within five minutes a man, who I was introduced to as the doctor, called me in to his office. “We found no trace of any infections” I was shocked at the speed in which the results were returned to me. It so transpired the clinic has on site microscopes that spot any surface infections. The HIV and Chlamydia results require a quick drop return in two weeks time. All in all the appointment took around 20 minutes and to be honest, I was surprised and pleased with the relative ease of the whole process. | 
