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28 October 2014

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Ludicrous lists

You've won a new kitchen!

Suzie from Preston's Ten Ways To Have Fun With Telemarketers...

1. Warn them at the beginning of the phone call that you have tirrets syndrome and ask if they can be patient with you. Sound interested but sporadically scream obscenities at them - see how long they last.

2. Say you would love to speak to them but you've just invited a pair of Jehovah's witnesses in for a cup of tea and you are right in the middle of the 'trinity' debate.

3. When you realise it's a telemarketer, start a pitch of your own to them using a script such as "Here at Pet Divas we have a vast selection of fashion clothing and accessories for your pet. Our major lines are 'Cats in Bomber Jackets' . 'Dogs in Hats' and 'Budgies in Dungarees' you can order over the telephone now or I can send you a brochure. Do you have a credit card handy?"

4. Tell them that you are the wife of the company's Human Resources Director, tell them their customer service is appalling and demand their name and employee number.

5. Talk really slowly, ask as many relevant or irrelevant questions you can think of. Go ahead to the purchasing part of the conversation then ask them if they accept NETTO loyalty cards.

6. After each sentence the telemarketer says, simply ask "What you talking 'bout Willis" impersonating Arnold from Different Strokes

7. Become a sufferer of Multiple Personality Syndrome argue with your different personalities on the merits of buying new double glazing from their company

8. If the telemarketer is the opposite sex from you, accuse them of being your husband / wife's 'bit on the side'. Explain that you are tired of them calling up and pretending to be a salesperson and that you have seen them creeping about outside and will call the police if they make further contact.

9. Especially if they sound new and nervous: Say you would love to buy what ever they are selling but only if they can answer all your questions. Ask things such as when the company was founded, whether they test on animals, what their stance is on fair trading, whether they have a 'Green Policy' and whether they fund any militant organisations.

10. Sob inconsolably down the phone as soon as they start talking. Do not answer their questions, just keep quietly sobbing. If they say they are going to hang up simply whisper - 'please don't hang up'. Then continue to ignore them as you sniffle away. See how long they stay on the phone.

last updated: 10/11/05

Have Your Say

Add to the list!

wez
leave the phone on the side and let them talk to themselves for a while tell a younger sibling/child that it is for them.

Terry Marsh-Horan from Blackpool
Tell them im sorry but there is no one in.

Kirsty - Lancaster
Tell them you want their personal phone number then you can make a nuisance of yourself ringing them constantly trying to sell them stuff and see how they like it!

Ellie
ha ha ha ha these r funny! When u realise it's a telemarketer speak really quickly about very random things like Vicky Pollard does on Little Britain

Malik Ben-Yousef
Once you realise it's a telemarketer calling just say "you do realise you have called a police station don't you?"

Nick Flanagan
Pretend to be on the toilet, make relevant noises and squirms and after five minutes return and as soon as they say anything say "Not interested" and put the phone down. Tell them you are sorry you can't talk to them as you don't have a phone! (You will heard dead silence after this statement, trust me!) Thank them for calling and tell that that your cat has just died and everyone in the house has the flu and you are too depressed to talk to anyone at the moment. Start chanting the alphabet in a sing song voice - preferably backwards - until they hang up. Tell them in perfect English, that you are very sorry but you don't understand English. Tell them that you really like their hairstyle, and can they recommend their hairdresser.

Valerie Ford
Tell them they have reached "The Tooth Fairy hot line" and ask how you can help them! Tell them you are sorry you can't talk to them as you don't have a phone! (You will heard dead silence after this statement, trust me!) Thank them for calling and tell that that your cat has just died and everyone in the house has the flu and you are too depressed to talk to anyone at the moment. Start chanting the alphabet in a sing song voice - preferably backwards - until they hang up. Tell them in perfect English, that you are very sorry but you don't understand English. Tell them that you really like their hairstyle, and can they recommend their hairdresser.

Mark from Darwen
Just tell them the truth. Unsolicited telesales calls are illegal, and ask to speak to their manager and then take the details of the company. You won't receive another telesales call for years.

Joe Moxham
Just say " hello " every 10 seconds, and they soon hang up!

Cody and Asher
when they ask for the resident in the household pretend to be lil jon and say "haawwwhhaat" after they ask at least 2 times after the third time use the lil jon "ooookaaaay" and then if you know who lil jon is you should be able to take it from there

Phil
Sound interested - tell them that you have heard of the product and would they mind waiting a minute while you turned the oven off ( or the pan of boiling water or the TV or whatever ......) then just lay the phone down and go to the pub - , have a bath , make a coffee - watch Lord of the Rings etc. Bet they aren't still on the line in 20 minutes!