Soap stars

Australia’s smallest parliamentary constituency is also one of its most affluent and unquestionably its most madcap. The going-ons in Wentworth have been likened to that great Aussie televisual entertainment, the afternoon soap or “soapie” - although its plotlines are surely too implausible.

Set in Sydney’s posh Eastern Suburbs, against the glorious backdrop of Bondi, Bronte and Tamarama beaches, it’s a sure fire ratings winner.

What shall we call it? “Bondi Blues”, “Wentworth Woes”, “Malcolm in the Middle”? Or, more simply, “Australian Beauty”?

We’ve already been introduced to some members of the cast. You’ll remember the leading man, Malcolm Turnbull, the sitting Liberal MP and federal environment minister, a former Rhodes scholar of Spycatcher and Australian Republican Movement fame. Comes with wife, Lucy, a former mayor of Sydney, two kids and three dogs, Jojo, Mellie and Rusty, who have their own blog.

Then there’s the man who covets the lead role: Labor candidate George Newhouse, another lawyer - as ABC’s estimable political analyst Antony Green helpfully points out, Wentworth has more barristers than baristas - and a rather charmless local councillor, who is now facing questions about his eligibility to run.

Then there’s Mr Newhouse’s former girlfriend, Dani Ecuyer, a former investment banker running not on an anti-George but an anti-pulp mill ticket. She has attracted an inordinate amount of publicity, which offers further proof of Walter Cronkite’s oft-quoted observation that this is a country with too many journalists chasing too few stories.

Some of my favourite characters have only cameo roles. There’s the candidate for the Australian Democrats, the wonderfully named Pierce Field, who at the age of 18 is not only standing in his first federal election but voting in his first federal election. He even comes with a surf boy haircut, so watch for a big turn-out among the “Rip Curl vote”.

There’s a deadpan Liberty and Democracy Party candidate, Jonatan Kelu, who refuses to instruct his supporters how to distribute their preference votes because that would violate his libertarian principles.

Then there’s Pat Sheil, a journalist who ran in 2004 under the banner “Sheil be Right” and gained 149 votes. Lugubrious and witty, he’s a kind of “Beyond the Fringe” candidate.

Another journalist has inserted herself into the race, though not as a candidate. Caroline Overington from The Australian, who left behind an e-mail trail which soon found its way onto the front pages. First, she told Dani that she should give her preferences to Malcolm. “Please preference Malcolm,” she wrote. “It would be such a good front page. Also, he’d be a loss to the parliament and George - forgive me - would be no gain. ;).”

Then it emerged she sent a flirtatious email to George. “Let’s chat today, shall we? I could come out to Bondi, since I live there. And now you are single, I might even make a pass at you.”

A little later she turned a little nasty. “Either you say yes to a photograph smiling and happy and out campaigning, or we stake you out… and get you looking like a cat caught in a trap.”

The unscripted arrival of Ms Overington into the saga even brought about a guest appearance from her boss, the world’s most powerful media mogul, Rupert Murdoch. In Adelaide for a shareholders’ meeting, he said disciplinary action would be taken if she had tried to influence political candidates in the name of one of his publications.

In America right now, scriptwriters are on strike. In Wentworth, there’s no need for them.

So will Malcolm beat George? Will George get Dani’s preferences? Will Pierce get a haircut? And what of our furry friends, Jojo, Mellie and Rusty?

As they say in the land of soapies, tune in next time to find out.

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