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A 'review' of 2008

• Rory Cellan-Jones
• 2 Jan 08, 08:06 GMT

Enough of the iPhone, away with Facebook – let’s forget about 2007 and look forward - not entirely seriously - to the technology year to come in 2008...

January

At CES in Las Vegas, Bill Gates makes his final keynote before stepping down at Microsoft. Guess what? The digital home of the future is here at last and it is powered by Windows Media Center.

One week later in San Francisco, Steve Jobs uses his Macworld keynote to show us round the iHome (“way cool”). It is run by a revamped Apple TV set-top box, and allows you to get all your stuff – movies, music, photos and groceries – piped to you through iTunes.

February

The mobile phone industry gathers in Barcelona for its annual jamboree in its usual state of paranoia. Last year, it was the imminent arrival of the iPhone which caused the jitters. This time it is the impact of Google’s Android. Relax, guys, customers have tolerated lousy user interfaces, bossy network operators and sky-high roaming charges for years – why should anything change?

March

Sony unveils the Play Station 3.5. It boasts simpler graphics than the PS3, a fun controller called the miiiiii2, and a range of new games from Cribbage to Tony Hawk’s Tiddlywinks. “We are reaching a whole new demographic, " says Sony’s Howard Stringer on a visit to an old people’s home in Merthyr Tydfil.

“Why has nobody tried this before?”

April

The UK government insists it is pressing ahead with the National ID card, despite another embarrassing breach in data security. A clerk at the Passport Office plugs his iPod into the computer at work to update, then goes on holiday to Albania. Finding it incapable of playing anything but a weird mix of what sounds like morse code and hiphop, he flogs it to a bloke he meets at a café in Tirana. A government spokesman insists there is no cause for concern, unless you have taken out a passport in the last decade and been foolish enough to pay for it with something other than cash.

May

Facebook denies that it is in crisis after a study shows that its name has failed to appear in a single newspaper column for three months. A spokeswoman denies that a status update reading “Mark is ……getting a little bored with all this poking, vampire-biting, fish-sending, nonsense” reflects the views of the company’s founder on the future of social networking.

June

The companies in the HD-DVD alliance announce you can now get their players for as little as £49.99. The Blu-Ray team respond by giving their product away with the Daily Telegraph. Consumers fail to notice because they are too busy downloading movies from Russia’s allofhddvd.com.

July

Security software firms unite with the government’s Getsafeonline campaign to send millions of computer users a simple message, “You Are All Doomed.” A spokesman explains: “It is a simple but effective way of getting people to understand that once they turn on their computers, the four horsemen of the Apocalypse will be riding through the door in a jiffy. Unless, of course, they invest in new security software every time they log on, and buy a shredder.”

August

Google continues the spending spree which has seen it buy Marks & Spencer, News Corp, and the Channel Islands since the beginning of the year. When EU regulators block its bid to take over the European Central Bank, a spokesman responds: “What these Brussels bureaucrats fail to understand is that we’re just trying to organise the world’s information….and money, and shopping. What’s the problem with that?”

September

Apple’s second generation 3g iPhone goes on sale. This time, as well as signing up to Apple’s network partner, customers have to bring a DNA sample to enter on the company database before the phone can be activated. “We’re just trying to make sure iPhone users all feel part of the Apple family, “ a spokesman explains.

October

Nokia brings out its latest smartphone, the N99. As well as featuring music, live television, a manicure set and a device for getting stones out of horse’s shoes, it offers an ice-cream cornet with a chocolate flake. “And, unlike, the new 3g iPhone,” a spokesman explains, “it is 4g, making the mobile internet work properly for the first time.”

November

A wave of panic spreads though parents in the UK and the USA as it becomes clear that stocks of the Nintendo Wii console are in short supply in run-up to Christmas. “Who could have predicted that people would want to buy it as a Christmas present?” asks a Nintendo spokesman. Sony points out that the PS3.5 is available in all good stores.

December

While high street stores complain that Christmas is later than ever this year, online retailers predict a 50% rise in sales compared to last year. “Whether you want an ipod, a wii or one of the new robotic teasmaids, we’ll get it you by Christmas,” a spokesman for the Online Retail Group promises.
As Boxing Day dawns, Ebay announces that record numbers of unwanted gifts are up for sale. The top sellers include 3g iPhones, complete with unlocked DNA samples.

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