Everyone go nuts!
It feels like summer is coming! The sun is shining, I can hear the sound of a lawn being mown (not sure how, as there’s not much grass around here- maybe those ne’er-do-well hoodies have started using Flymos instead of knives? They’d be quite an effective mugging weapon actually, although somewhat limited to the length of the cable. If another hoodie carried a generator it might work. Yes that’s what they’d probably do. Actually, the noise of a lawnmower and one of those diesel-powered generators would be so intense this forward-thinking gang would no longer have stealth on their side and they’d give their position away to the Police) Anyway, I’ll start again…
Look outside, it’s all sunny. It’s March now and that means we’re in that period of ‘summer-foreplay’ they call ‘spring’. It’s not long now until everyone’s favourite season is here and everything will be alright. When its winter, if I try and imagine summer it seems like a madman’s dream. The idea of sleeping with the windows open- as insane as sleeping with the top of my head open, going out in flip-flops- as loony as going out with an orange on a lead and calling it a dog. No, when its winter, summer seems an alternative reality where gloves and scarves are woolly aliens hibernating in cupboards whilst sunglasses ride around on our faces all proud of themselves again, it seems so far-fetched. But then, at this time of year little summery clues start to appear, subtly at first, mere whiffs and hints on the breeze but they remind you that a great, hot, bright, freshly cut lawn-smelling, barbecue-tasting, aeroplane droning across a clear blue sky-sounding, friendly shimmering monster is awakening. Woohoo, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together, throw off your winter clothes and make some noise for our old friend The Summer. Everyone go nuts!
Mind you… its bloody awful on the tube and you have to shower constantly because you feel so sweaty all the time…and the hay fever, and those bloody wasps, oh God, summer’s coming- close the windows.
You're so right about summer seeming like an impossible alternate universe in winter. And in summer the idea of central heating is unthinkable. I wore my winter clothes today, but with shades - I felt like a strange seasonal hybrid.
Blimey! what a poetic entry Mr.M.....
I dislike summer purely because of the wasps..not only do they seem to be getting bigger but I'm also allergic, that means I spend most of my time doing the "dance of avoidance"....and the daddy-long-legs spiders that crop up when its humid, often at inconvenient times...You'll spot one on your wall or ceiling just as your going to sleep...*shudder* makes my skin crawl just thinking about it....
Anyway! Roll on summer!!
put simply, your blog entries cause my mouth to quiver into an awkward, trembling semblance of a smile. your words are put together in such a fashion as to illicit vigorous nods of agreement from my bonce. astute! thank you.
Dear Russell, Matt and Trevor,
It's the swimming girls, again. Thought we'd give you an update as you've not mentioned us recently and we liked the attention.
Prior to hearing your advice we'd avoided women's only swimming sessions, firstly because everyone seems to swim widths instead of lengths, and secondly we didn't agree with the militant feminist argument that we need such segregation. They believe men are nothing more than sex beasts with no self control and that if we are going to go swimming in the same pool as men, we've only got ourselves to blame when we're leered at. Having heard your discussion however, and your apparent inability to control yourselves, the feminists may have a point and that growing our body hair to make us less attractive may be our only option.
On the other hand, a friend at work is jealous that no man has ever gone to the effort of swimming underwater to look at her when she's been in a pool. Our perverts are pretty special, if there was a competition between our perverts and the snoopy Southampton cleaner, based on effort and creativity, ours would win. Maybe we've been looking at this all wrong, perhaps we should be appreciating our dolphin like friends. We're all nearing 30 and this kind of attention may soon wane, should we be enjoying it while we can?
The Old Chancers were at it again last week and were just as creepy, but at least they're underneath us and not getting in our way like the width swimmers at the women's only sessions. Although they're clearly perverts, they've not gone any further than ogling at us, are relatively harmless and they did provide us with an amusing tale to send into your radio show.
We've decided that we're going to continue to swim on a Wednesday evening perverts or not. We'd like to think we're providing an important community service by encouraging these elderly men to stay active. Who knows what they'd do if it wasn't for us, probably just sit in their chairs and dribble.
Thanks again for all the time you have given our problem, it was amusing to hear your take on things. Keep up the good work, we love your show, you're all welcome to join us anytime for a swim, no petting though, you know the rules.
much love
Josie, Sarah and Lucy
xx
PS: We're coming to see your stand up in Wolverhampton at the end of the month, will we get the opportunity to come and introduce ourselves?
Good point! And what about the wasps that sound like they're flying into your ear, then you have to shake your head manically to get rid of it, and light smelly candles to ward them off, like some kind of pagan ritual! ...people talk about S.A.D, but what about this summer insanity? I think you're right to bring this to our attention. Alert the government!
I was just thinking the same thing today! I could feel that summer was just around the corner. I've started visiting a tanning salon in readiness! This year I will not scare people with legs so white you can see my veins through the skin. Hoorah!
*limbers up to go nuts*
i meant to ask: what's wrong with spring? you bounced straight from winter to summer, completely disregarding the vernal equinox!
i meant to say: somehow, your post put me in mind of quotsa's 'mosquito song'. odd, indeed.
Oh you crack me up Matt! Wicked blog as usual! Hey how about a video blog next time??
I agree with the post above - don't miss out Spring, that's when most of the natural world goes all sexy and nuts - we should embrace that and join in! Why wait for summer to go nuts?
That said as I've looked out on my garden this week, finally in the sun once again, I fondly think back to lazy Sunday mornings last summer when I discovered your 6music show and listened on my swing seat or lying on the warm grass with my dogs, - blue skies, bees buzzing, flies in my coffee, ants conducting military operations to raid my toast and marmalade........hmmm
This summer I can lie back on the warm grass with the dogs and enjoy your Saturday evening show, with a glass of Pimms, as the sun goes down, the bees go to bed and the ants launch a military asault on my Pimms fruit.........hmmm again!
Great bloggery Matt - I enjoyed the stream of consciousness about flymo hoodies - I'd love to see David Cameron hug one of those!
xx
Another superb blog, there. My favourite excerpt from it is:
"The idea of sleeping with the windows open- as insane as sleeping with the top of my head open, going out in flip-flops- as loony as going out with an orange on a lead and calling it a dog."
Excellent use of imagery - An orange on a lead indeed!
But yes, reading that blog has made me look forward to summer, somewhat. Which is strange because I'm normally one of those warped individuals who prefers winter to summer. Mind you, that's mainly becasue I like to dress quite demurely (I know, what a taboo!) but that's not so easy to do in the warmer weather because you have to wear fewer clothes otherwise you start to melt.
Another great blog!
I know you don't do requests, but I think that next time you're compiling the radio playlist you should slip in 'Here Comes The Summer' by The Undertones, in reference to this wonderful blog and those beckoning sunny days. It's the perfect song to dream about that wondrous season.
Better go dig out those sunnies
xx
I love spring! it's the season of frolicking. People don't frolick enough these days.
I don; midn the little insect guys I give them names , tlak to them a bit be at one with nature.
and summer means ICE CREAM so get the damn van! I"m sure you can find one on ebay.
brilliant blog... but what's weird about putting an orange on a lead? you love our little walks, don't you jaffa?
@ the swimming girls- good to 'ear from you again... I had a thought on how you might stop this heinous pervin'... you should all learn to swim on the bottom of the pool, too- then those skullin' swines would not be able to get underneath you to do any oglin'...
I thought, not only is it an interesting goal, it might also be useful in later life for swimmin' with dolphins or somethin... or walking with dinosaurs? well, aquatic ones anyway...
note to self- dinosaurs, like worzel gummidge and the tooth fairy, don't actually exist...
Isn't it lovely that Spring is here? Like you said Matt, the subtle hint of warmer air coming in the open window and breathing in the delicate fragrances of spring flowers.
Won't be long now before we're all moaning that it's too bloody hot.
I like Christmas best.
A man in flip flops? Oh no, Lord no. The most virulent nymphomaniac transmogrifies into a gibbering nun and goes and crouches in the corner.
You are entirely correct, Matt- there’s a time in the depths of winter, when I look at my summer wardrobe and think, "how the hell could I have walked around wearing only a bra and hotpants?"
Particularly as I’m a fellah, arf arf!
Hi Russell, Matt and Trev
I thought you might be interested in how your excellent show has had a much needed positive impact in my little life. I have spent all day today at an incredibly boring course for work. It involved how to teach maths to primary kids without them realising their doing maths. My particular class would see through this ruse in about 10 seconds and no doubt rebel by withholding any mathematical skills they possess, thus resulting in an imminent emotional breakdown of their teacher (me).
So as you can probably guess I got to half way through the day and lost the will to live. I turned my attention to formulating a plan to end it all using only a highlighter pen and the small forrest of handouts we had been given (I apologise for my profession's part in ruining the planet).
I was saved from carrying out this plan when the man presenting announced that next month he was going swimming with dolphins. I missed how this linked to maths due to the previously mentioned death plan.
I instantly perked up and became enthralled with the man. I tried to work out if he would be the type of man to hold on to the dorsal fin, flipper, nose, or penis. This brightened up the rest of my day no end. So keep up the good work as i may need Russmatrev to save me from future mundane courses.
By the way I have also been known to traumatise cleaners by laughing uncontrollably while they hoover my class with Henry the Hoover.
I quite like the winter. My body seems to shut down in the summer, it can't deal with the heat. There is also the problem of huge spiders that seem to have competitions on who can scare me the most. I much prefer to put a big wolly jumper on and snuggle. x
Dear Matt
Yes, ok, summer is lovely. Or at least it used to be for some of us, long before we discovered stress and crippling institutional pressure. So although I think you're right to be somewhat excited about the impending warmth, I was hoping you and your cohorts could spare a thought (and possibly some airtime) for those of us who get panic attacks at the very smell of the cut grass or sound of the ice cream van. Because, for so many years now, the coming of spring has meant thinking about exams. I'm in my second year at uni now, when you're supposed to be all free and liberated, but this still gets to me, and I have to employ certain techniques to calm me down during exam time (mainly compulsive revision, watching Eddie Izzard standup dvds and listening to The Beatles. Oh and your radio show of course, though exactly how soothing that is I'm not sure).
What's more I think I was irreversibly damaged by my A levels. I still have terrifiying dreams about them, except in the dreams the exams have morphed to become even more terrifying, involving last minute changes of schedule, syllabus or even subject, and I wake up all quivering and pathetic.
So to conclude these vague ramblings, please send some of your abundant and beautiful love to everyone still crawling their way through the education system, no doubt hyperventilating and panicking about essay deadlines, revision timetables and 3 hour exams. All of my compassion especially goes out to those people with A levels this year, because I know it can feel like they'll never be over, but believe me they will.
Love your blogs Matt, you're a really engaging writer, and I'm always interested in what you've got to say. All the best,
Jo in Coventry
you're right- it is almost summer! even the bees are out!
when i returned home today after going out, i was about to ring the doorbell (silly me, forgot my key) when i saw the biggest bee i have ever seen sitting right under the button.
i screamed, as i hate bees, and it flew off to the flower bed. i pressed the button with urgency, in case it came back. i lost sight of it for a while, but then there it was, flying straight at me! i was banging on the door hoping that someone would save me from the little bitch, and finally the door opened and i was safe.
i must have looked like a right loon, flapping around and screaming at an insect...
anyway, thanks for the bloggies, they rock! :D
Ali xxx
Hi, Just wondering if anyone has read the new biography that's out now on Russell? Definitely a page-turner if you cant get enough of luvverly Russ! xoxoxo
Maybe the "...dance of the poorly human jaw-jut" , as performed by certain species of bee around the time of the full moon (See Guardian Sport last Sat) really is a proper zoological fnomenm after all; re Ali's comment above?
Howeva, I was under the impression that worker/drone bees are male so can't have been a "bitch" if you were using the word in derrogatory/misogonist sense. Unless you were using it in the derrogatory/gay sense?
I'm on the net at home at last hurray! Still attempting to finish degree at 37yrs old....(Boooo!) Thanx for the sympathy.
You are so lucky to have some taste of summer. Here in sweet Iceland it is still frost and snow everywhere. In some parts of the country there have been avalanches and the roads closed because of storms. I hope the weather will get better soon and enjoy yours.
Kind regards
Lísabet
I hate summer!!! It isn't everyone's favourite season- I prefer winter, by far!!!
i agree with summer being the best season, but dont completley miss out spring. i mean, what is sex without foreplay?? nothin i tells ye's!!
My summers resolution is to never complain that its too hot, and to take most of my clothes off when it does get too hot.
one thing about summer annoys me tho...can u plz tell me why you guys feel the need to come out wearing ridiculously overly bright white coloured sports socks...with sandals?!? why?? any suggestions helpful lol!!
roll on proper summer!!! yay!! xxxx