Bacon Butties
Matt here, wotcha guys. Today Russell and I have been filming sketches for the C4 show. I have suffered the indignity of portraying a topless mermaid, among other things. Oh, but that is nothing to what poor old Rusty Brand had to go through, because he had to, wait for it… eat a bacon sandwich. Now as a vegetarian, who could blame him for stipulating that the bacon be replaced with a fake look-alike? No one, I’m sure. Bizarrely such a product exists, complete with realistic stripes, so the crew located some and Brand was happy. But the wheat free diet (read: affectation) that he (and, I’m ashamed to say, I) enjoy, meant that he couldn’t eat bread. So the crew went bravely out into the hurricane that was raging. Some of them were taken by the storm but the survivors brought back some wheat-free bread, and Brand was happy.
So, when constructed, this was a bacon-butty in appearance alone. In reality it was a totally prosthetic sarnie. In fact, more effort went into that stunt-sandwich than was ever put into the positioning of Evel Knieval’s crash-mats even. And after all that effort the sandwich got thrown violently into my face, my very real, human face. Mind you, I dunno why I’m whinging about it; I wrote the sketch.
Now, before you start thinking that that sandwich is a bit like this Russell Brand Blog, with no actual Russell Brand Bloggery contained within, let me shock you: I asked Russell to contribute a single word to this blog, and here it is… “malingerer”. Make of that what you will. Oh and remember to tell us of your embarrassing encounters with the rich and famous.
Thank you Matt for that fabulous blog! It made me cry with laughter and is the best to date. More please!
The only famous people I have met are you, Russell and Trevor when you did your radio show from Manchester - the embarasment stems from the fact that I was actually melting at the time due to my 'wise' decision to wear a jumper in a sweltering studio. It's just not possible to even fake composure when you are liquefying!
Oops - I lied! I also met David Bellamy (woo hoo) who is an enormous bloke btw.........or maybe I was just little at the time...?
I know Russ 'other BRANDS are available' doesnt like name dropping but as someone who gets very giddy about any 'products' suitable for us vegans and veggies......... can I say that Redwoods make superb 'Rashers' suitable for us vegans and Quorn do a 'Bacon style' rasher for those who are veggie.
Its easy-peasy lemon squeazey!
xxx
I like that idea of a "prosthetic sarnie", something you carry with yourself just on the offchance that your arm drops off or something.
"Oh my goodness! His arm dropped off!" squeamish women in the crowd would cry.
"Don't worry," you'd proclaim whilst reaching for your lunchbox (as in the place you keep your food rather than performing a groinal grab), "I have a prosthetic sarnie just for such emergencies."
And then you'd be the hero of the hour. Of course, as a hero you'd have to wear your underwear outside of your normal clothes, wear a cape and have a jingle when you entered the scene while onlookers gasp and elatedly cry "it's prosthetic sarnie man! The day is saved!"
Looking forward to the show
have a good day
M.
I’m glad Russell insisted on wheat-free veggie! A couple of years ago I saved a blokes life on a tube and he re-payed me by sitting me down to a meal with his family and forcing me to eat wheat when I said I couldn’t. I was in a world of stomach pain afterwards (and I thought it was more than a bit of a cheek!). It’s true that the human brain couldn’t have evolved to be as complex as it is on a vegetarian diet (we have canine teeth for a reason). Russell seems like really good breeding stock to me though.
The very concept of veggie bacon rashers baffles me. Why would a vegetarian want to eat something that looks and (presumably) tastes like it was once a pig? Just eat proper bacon. Or just don't eat bacon, have a carrot instead.
xxx
Oh, back to the main subject, I almost met somebody famous once. A bloke called Russell. Instead of getting to meet him I hit him on the nose with a Clanger and made a complete twit of myself. A shame really, because he seemed like a very decent bloke.
Ooh, the sketch sounds interesting! I have to say, they're one of my favourite parts of the show...i actually do think that you and Russell should make some sort of a sketch show about incidents and situations going on, they'd be brilliant...a little britain type thing!
As for Russell's sandwich, well bless the man...but if theres one thing i wouldn't do in life, is not eat meat....its just so hmmm meaty! Now i want a bacon sandwich!
Can't wait for the show tomorrow anyway! I made a comment on the other blog about meeting a "celeb"...but i would say meeting Russ, Trev and briefly seeing you on wed at 1Lsq...tops any moment!
xx
Can't be doing with anything too stringently vegetarian although I think I can understand the squeamishness. Famous people and humiliating responses? I once met Sade when I was working at Schiphol Airport in baggage handling and she asked me where the luggage from London was arriving. I walked her to the appropriate conveyor belt and insisted on waiting with her until her suitcases actually materialised. Couldn't quite master the required detached air I wanted to portray.
My most embarrasing encounter with the rich and famous came after visiting the Barbican theatre to see King Lear as an English Literature student some years ago.
It was 1998 and the Blair family were both popular and sitting directly behind my class. Not only did the Blair kids kick our chairs throughout the production but I got so stoned before the show and that, mixed with interval drinks, I almost stumbled into the newly pregnant Cherie Blair on the stairs on my way to the lavvy.
Thank god for the strong arms of the bodyguards that ended my disgrace and the possibility of a crash induced miscarrage!
From David in Acton
PS. Matt, love the Mirmaid outfit!
How can we get tickets to the channel 4 show?
Hello Matt, Russell and Trevor,
Thinking about embarassing famous people incidents... I once went to a play with my mum when I was little to see Simon Callow in some Shakespeare thing! My mum was, and still is in awe of the thespian and bought a beautiful bouquet of flowers for him.
The theatre was boiling by now but the performance was wonderful, and as the actors were taking there last bows my mum rushed to the stage to present him with the now 'wilting' roses.
However on the way from her chair to the stage she tripped over her hand-bag straps and fell to Simon Callow's feet. As security then appeared from the wings, thinking my mother was a 'threat', Simon swooped up the flowers out of my horizontal mother's hands and quickly 'skipped' off stage!
Further humiliation ensued, as my mother was questioned by security officers while audience memebers were ushered out of the theatre!
Keep up the good work boys
Beth xx
Well, saw the C4 show which was entertaining as it always is, but I'm not too sure about the sketches.
Sorry to say this, but I think you gave too much away in the blog Matt and my expectations were higher than they should have been. Of the mermaid and the bacon, the mermaid one I preferred; but I think this is largely that the characterisation and roles were much more believable (loved the pipe btw - we don't have enough comedy pipe users; not since Eric Morecambe and Graham Chapman passed on, which is a shame as the pipe is a wonderful comedy prop)
The "Bacon Sarnie"... I think was redemed by the pre-sandwich flinging beastiality suggestion sequence, but.... poor and predicatable (which as I said before, is maybe because you gave too much away in the blog, not least the reminder that Russell's a vege) I think that the "pig reveal" was over elaborate - you didn't need all those pork joints - a few rashers of bacon (or fakeon) and some sausages on a wire rack would have sufficed, and I think Russell should have been standing behind the coffin and maybe even wearing an comedy apron as sported by all bbq chefs everywhere (because he was portrayed as perpetrating the whole thing).
Still, as I said, I enjoyed the show;and I like the quite unique way that Russell interacts with the guests.
Don't take the criticism of the sketch to heart, comedy is subjective and you can't please everyone all the time; and remember, I'm just a faceless internet freak with too much time on my hands.
Have a good weekend, and looking forward to the radio show
M.
wot does malingerer mean
OMG The radio (btw I don't live in the UK) called me, because I send in a request for Morrissey and I hope they would give me ticket for next week show of Morrissey in The Netherlands.. Stupid enough I was hearing myself double in my phone, so I came all wrong.. And they asked me to give the reason why I send this miserable email about Morrissey. And I just said "I don't have enough money." Then the conversation came about the fact I could buy one on Ebay or something.. Well yeah like I wouldn't come up with that..
someone shirking their duty by feigning illness or incapacity
I miss the 6 Music show, it flet more fresh and was longer!
To make me happy you have to be on for 5 hours and let Russell kep walking away from the mic and make Trevor get in boxes, I miss it BUT I do have the podcasts!
ps- I met Richard Blackwood and stood on his foot a bit, what a pathetic excuse for a stroy!
HeeHee! Nice one...bless Russelly, with his fakey sandwich. I hope those poor stage crew folk who had to brave the hurricane to find wheat-free bread (I'm quite surprised such a thing actually exists) got paid extra, or were at least given extra biscuits at a break or something ;-)
I must say that the sandwich did look very realistic, although I did wonder why the Brandster put bacon in his mouth...This miracle of a blog has solved my mystery of the week.
Thanks and keep up the awesome work.
(P.S. I thought you made an excellent mermaid)
1. I would like to know who you imagine your listeners are?. Do you keep a particular image of them in you minds eye?
2. I like the unstructured structure of your show...a bit like a Cornish Tuesday. However I must caution against being too North London...
3. Does a wheat/meat free diet enable good hair heath? Have you ever noticed a bald player in a classical orchestra?......very rare. Is it possible they all have food allergies too?
Brilliant radio show this week. Felt like 'the old days' of 6 Music. Russell in top form, banter excellent. It felt far more natural and off the cuff. I love the unpredictability of the show! More please.
The best veggie bacon ever invented was Morning Star Farms Bacon. A company from USA. You can't get it anymore or I've not been able to find it. I'm vegan now so I won't be eating any stuff with eggs in anymore.
hi .. not trying to be a bother but i was wondering if u know .. u might not tho ..if i can somehow get ur old bbc 6 radio show podcasts anywhere and listen to them on like my itunes instead of online.. id like to have them on my ipod cuz they are hilarious :D..
thanks for the laughs
Viktoría from Iceland
Hi Matt,
Firstly I saw your topless mermaid outfit, you looked gorgeous in it. So much so that I reckon you should even wear it down the pub on a Friday night. It would give new meaning to being legless with your boobs out.
I used to like George Clooney but now I just think he must be a bit weird. I didnt think anyone would keep a pig for a pet -unless their name was Gordon Ramsey. Fame must do strange things to people.
I reckon you should force feed Russell a turkey and ham dinner over Christmas to get him back for throwing that sandwich at your human face.I'd say he'd secretly enjoy it.
Hi Gang - come on - more blogging; especially you Russell! (And we all heard you tell Matt to put your name to his entries... tut tut... we'd know... A prosthetic Russell... surely most of us can spot one at 50 paces)
In answering the comments from LMV, particularly starting with; "I didnt think anyone would keep a pig for a pet ..." but then continuing in a general rambling fashion until any semblance of a point is well and truely lost, I have to say the following;
During the 90s the pig did rise as an alternative pet to the traditional cat, dog or goldfish. The pot-bellied varieties being particularly popular (although smoking a pot-bellied pig will not get you high) For someone with as much fame and fortune as Mr Clooney ( or as I like to call him, "Mr Georgy-Porgy-Puddingly Pie" ) a pig would be a wonderful choice, running around the undoubted acres that Mr Pie obviously would have.
Of course, thinking Mr Pie is a bit wierd is okay, seeing him parodied on a recent "American Dad" points to him being high up in the "not like the rest of us fame-lacking normal folks" (yes, I know, parody, but parody is usually based on some iota of truth...)
I'm not sure about a vege secretly enjoying being force fed something that is against their dietry beliefs; of course, being bound and tied up and all that S&M thing may be a turn on; a bit of a change from the Queen's speech and the numerous relations that descend and mock the meal you've lavished days on before falling asleep in all the comfy chairs and then breaking wind at any available opportunity; no no, tying a good friend up and shoving stuff down their gullet - that's the true meaning of Christmas. It would be a lot more memorable. But call me a traditionalist; joy to the world, peace and goodwill to all men. And Fish.
And in that spirit I would like to raise some toast (lightly buttered with jam) to y'all and wish you the joy of the season (which I think is something about eating lots so that the elbow bashing that occurs during the January sales is cushioned and therefore less painful!)
Catch you on the flip side; or the radio
M.
Hi Matt,
Interesting and amusing blog, thanks for taking the time.
Now I wonder if I could ask you more about this wheat intolerance, as I believe I may have developed one too. I am reluctant to "internet" the symptoms (as you no doubt would) for fear of finding out the unthinkable.
Can you help? Maybe you should use this as a topic of conversation on next week's show...your listeners' faddy eating habits/strage food allergies?
Thanks, and perservere with the blog. I'd imagine it feels a bit of a chore, knowing that there are readers out there waiting for you to pen a weekly anecdote. Pressure?
Jo x
I would just like to say to "M" ,whoever you are, I get the feeling from reading your comment you may be a vegetarian? If so ,and I offended you or any other vege with the comment I made I apologise( that includes you Russell).
As for me rambling, did you have a read back over what you wrote yourself??
Hi there LMV - first, I should apologise about the rambling comment; I actually meant to direct that at myself and not you (I have a tendancy, as you noticed, to go on.. and on... and on... to quite excessive amounts whilst a nice concise version of whatever it is I'm trying to say is available, but pretty much avoided.)
You actually didn't offend me as such, but, I can be a bit of an antagonist at times. I never like the idea of people forcing something onto (or into) someone which is against beliefs they hold; be it food, religion, sexuality, politics or soap operatic preferences. I'm not actually a vegetarian myself, I tend towards it but am more of an omnivore (as I eat a little meat on alternate weekends)
Take care of yourself, sorry for the misunderstanding and any inconvenience felt.
No hard feelings okay? [well... unless you like hard feelings, to which, each to their own I say!]
M.
M,
Of course I dont like had feelings, and I would never force anything on anybody either. I admit that sometimes what I say comes across as being sarcastic but I dont mean it in that way at all.
I will comment on what you said about "being bound and tied up and the S&M thing" though.
If Matt reads this maybe he'd partake in a bit of that??Maybe nobody reads these and we're just chatting amongst ourselves via their web page?
Ah LMV, it's part of the nature of the textual format of these comments; we loose the intonations we hear in our head as we type so sarcasm or seriousness can be read where there previously was none... or was some and it is missed. Etc. I also have tendancies to leaving meanings and interpretations open; often it's deliberate on my part. Misinterpretations and misunderstandings leading us off on some random conversational journey.
I have to say that whether Matt, Russell, or anyone is following these comments [ surely someone is - who are you mysterious moderator of all that is said, tasked with the duty to eradicate product placement and utterings of words such as "fluff" and "shed"...? Are you one of Russell's entourage or some BBC web underling ? ] (whoops, wandered off there on one...) but I was aiming to say that I am enjoying our little comment conversation, whether anyone else is or not. We're a strange little subculture fermenting under fake bacon sandwiches :-)
I think a lot of society's problems could be solved if people were tied up on a much more regular basis than they are currently. Okay, it would probably create it's own bunch of problems; and resuscitate our ailing rope burn cream industry... but...
... for some reason on celebrity bondage, that image of Ricky Gervais sticky-backed-plasticing someone to their chair and all those other strange abusive things he did [ what a strange relationship those two must have had ] as shown on one of the "extras" on (I think) the office DVDs... I'm sure anything Russell/Matt would be performed with an element of love - none of the creepy Gervaisiveness (just my opinion based on the fragments I remember before lawyers get involved) which I couldn't tell if it was being played for the camera or whether it was as it looked. Um. But as I was saying, before I dig myself a legal hole, Russell / Matt in such a situation would never be creepy - too much mutual respect and friendliness in my opinion.
Anyway, I knew you wouldn't force anything on anyone; I think all of Russell's fans are a good lot and aren't affraid to wander off with an idea.
Good talking with you,
as always. Have a good evening and many, many good days - and that goes for anyone and everyone.
M.
[oh, and happy birthday to Edvard Munch, had I realised before looking on google I'd've baked a cake... or ate a mince pie or something.]
This is all very reassuring to me. I have to admit to being somebody who is distacted by pointless issues and sat contemplating the bacon sarnie situation... either rusty was eating an actual bacon sarnie, therefore comprimsing his said principles.... OR ( and i'm not sure which is worse) he was having to endure that fake stuff that looks like somebody has manipulated their vomit to the shape of bacon... once i had overcome the angst of this issue i then remembered the wheat-free diet (which sadly i adheredto also) and became distressed by the possibilty that russ may not only be comprimising his lifestyle choices but also his digestive system. the perils of fame.... with all the worrying i missed out on the hilarity of the sketch. I just managed to catch the show again and it was far more entertaining without all the angst. Matt you are a genius. xx