Look out doggies, Daddy's home!

No, Roy was the personification of calm and reassurance. He was almost Erikssonesque in his demeanour. It was hard to look at him and not think that the cool exterior was the sort that you might have if you were a top notch assassin but nevertheless it worked for him. Also his team played to the final whistle, nicking winners and equalisers here and there, and that's what kept them up last season.

Of course on the back of that, Quinny shoved a few mill down the back of Keano's trousers and said 'Go get who you want, son.' And so Roy looked around, saw how well Spurs had done post the Carling Cup victory and said to Levy 'I'll have the worst half of your team' and Ramos agreed. I'm not sure what's been the most horrible at the Stadium of Light this season - the form of Keane's buys or the barnet of the best of them, Cisse. One week, Djibril looked like he'd had a kip on the touchline just before the groundsman had marked out the pitch. Why do some players insists on having a hairdo they have to live up to?

Quinny's dead keen to assure the unwashed of Blunderland that Keane's made this decision in the best interests of the club. That'll be why you spent two days trying to get him to stay then Niall. I admire the big man's loyalty but I'm not sure Roy deserves it.
Keane's got form, after all. He's turning into football's runaway bride. The tizzy fit in Saipan in 2002, when he didn't like Yorkie Mick's methods and failed to compromise for the good of the team. 'Course the team did good without him, so maybe he was helping by getting himself sent home. Then there's the tirade against team-mates (and Queiroz, I think) when it was becoming clear that he was surplus to his Knightship's requirements. And just ask Alfe-Inge Haaland if you want to know whether Keane's a decent chappie or not.

Of course each time, Roy retreats to his Cheshire bolt-hole and you see him out with the dogs (and I swear to God them dogs are racing to stay a few yards ahead of him just in case a swinging right boot comes round to take them off at the knees.)

Some have told me that I shouldn't be surprised at all. He's been talking himself down in press conferences and that beard's made him look like he's sleeping in doorways at night. He looks like a cross between Action Man and Brian Blessed.

But I'm still not sure why he's scarpered, unless rumours that the dressing-room didn't like his style are true. It's definitely the case that no-one in Keane's career has ever told him to shut up and get on with it. He must be genuinely intimidating. I mean if he reads this and comes a-knocking on my door I'm sure I'd be Andy D'Urso-ing back into my front room faster than a Lehmann Brothers branch closure.

But you look at the relative successes of Kinnear and Redknapp this season and you can see that the old maxim about some players needing a kick up the backside and some needing an arm round the shoulder being very true. And them two blokes obviously have a bit of a knack with that. You get the impression with Keane - and with Ince too, probably - that if a kick up the backside doesn't work he reverts to a really hard kick up the backside and if that doesn't work he gets the electrodes out. Maybe footballers have become a prissier bunch since the days of his mentor Cloughie, but even Old Big 'Ead had a Peter Taylor to iron out the worst excesses. Who's Keane got? I doubt he'll ever have a number two who'll utter so much as a Sergeant Wilson-esque 'Do you think that's wise, sir?'

I'm not sure where Sunderland go from here. So much for the captain going down with the ship, Roy. They've got a Titanic job ahead of them and it'll probably call for a big man to take it on. So, Mackems, get used to it! Big Sam's back. Bring your telescopes to home matches so you can see the ball at all times and some pain-killers for the cricked necks.

They say Keane will be back, too, but I hope we don't hear anything from either of them for a bit - the manager or the cruddy band.

For a man who petrified every attacking midfielder in the country for 10 years, I still say it's a poor way to go. But for God's sake, don't anyone tell him where I live.