It Takes The Biscuit
I've decided to lift the lid on the BBC's expenses policy and expose a culture of drinking that is endemic throughout the Corporation. I'm aware that my revelations will divert public attention from that whole Expenses & Allowances brouhaha at Westminster but those hapless Members of Parliament need a break. I'm sure you agree.
Let's take the BBC's expenses policy. When I joined the Beeb way back in 1993, the list of acceptable perks was a lot more generous than it is today. My memory is hazy but I think every employee was entitled to a chauffer-driven Mini Metro and sedan chairs were provided to get you from one office to another. That, of course, was before the Freedom of Information Act and we had a Gentleman's Agreement with the tabloid press; they kept quiet about our wine cellars and we said nothing about their beer bellies.
But now, as I step out of the realm of historic fantasy, things are very different. This struck me most forcibly when, a few weeks ago, a London-based colleague arrived to give a presentation in one of the glass-walled meeting rooms at Pacific Quay. As I helped her set up the flip-chart she asked, in apparent innocence, if I had ordered tea, coffee and biscuits for everyone taking part in the session.
I stared at her blankly and was suddenly aware of all those watching eyes in the open-plan office space outside the room.
"But you know we're not allowed to do that," I told her, "are you trying to get me into trouble? Is this some sort of trap?"
She backed away from me pretty quickly but I followed her around the room citing chapter and verse of the new BBC expenses policy which now forbids us from providing any kind of snack or refreshment for fellow staff -members. There's a whole section on custard creams alone.
"You're allowed tap-water," I told her, "but only if you have your own jug."
Apparently these new rules had been communicated clearly throughout BBC Scotland but, down at White City, they must have missed the e-mail.
"Ignorance is no excuse, "I ranted, playing to any hidden cameras, "and long live the Director General!"
But I am sorry to report that the 'BBC Beverage Bonanza' (as the Daily Telegraph will call it) extends north of Hadrian's Wall. True, staff in Glasgow must cough up forty-five pence of their own cash to buy a cuppa in the canteen but in Edinburgh and Inverness (where there is no canteen) luxury kettles have been provided. They have little blue lights, automatic cut-off switches and are funded directly from your licence fee.
Taking my lead from the Telegraph I have decided to eke out further scandals in coming blog entries. So tomorrow: the free soup shocker in Aberdeen!
Unless I think of something else to expose.
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