Review of the week

It was murder in our office on Monday morning, with the Spurs mafia in full cry. It's a bit like the old Whiskas advert around these parts - eight out of 10 hacks prefer Tottenham - and I was half-expecting them to break into choruses of Nice One Cyril and Ossie's Dream.
Jermain Defoe celebrates scoring five against Wigan
Actually, bit of a confession here - Nice One Cyril was one of the first records I ever owned because I thought it was a song about my Grandad. It was only years later that I realised the Spurs connotations, and it must have been torture for poor old Cyril every time I innocently played it to him, given that he's an Arsenal fan.

It was Jermain Defoe who did most of the damage for Tottenham with his second-half nap-hand and he gave the classic footballer's interview after the game, admitting he was a bit disappointed not to get the double-hat-trick "but I suppose you can't complain with five goals".

Defoe cited the change of boots from his usual green pair to a 'pinkish-silver' combination as a telling factor in his five-for. I initially queried this rather odd colour and it wasn't until I was scrubbing the pots on Thursday night with a Brillo pad that I finally got it.

As for Scharner, he was predictably subjected to chants of "Are you Henry in disguise?" following his indiscretion - although by far the biggest crime he committed that day was to trot out of the dressing room with half his hair dyed blond and the other half black.

Meanwhile Henry was back-pedalling faster than a drunk on a unicycle as he begged forgiveness for his dastardly deed and even revealed he had considered quitting football (a thought that that possibly wasn't on his mind at the moment he wheeled away in celebration last Wednesday).

Things have calmed down a little since last week but there's been no shortage of views on the subject. Eric Cantona laid into Raymond Domenech, suggesting the manager was "the worst coach in French football since Louis XVI". Ah yes, who can forget that great France team of the late 1700s - a revolutionary outfit, if a little prone to losing their heads.

Meanwhile Pat Rice Evra was busy stoking the fires by telling Ireland he would happily replay the match on his PlayStation and cheekily calling for Henry's feat to be commemorated with a statue - presumably in the mould of Eric Morecambe's with one hand raised in the air.

Last week I commented that the fine men of Ireland may be ditching certain shaving products favoured by Henry in the wake of the controversy and it seems that cleaners in the Emerald Isle have also been losing their rags, not to mention their hoovers.

Users of the famous happy Henry contraptions have fallen out of love with their little friend and are calling for a substitute. One worker was quoted in The Sun as saying: "Several cleaners say they're unhappy working with vacuum cleaners with the cheat's name written on them. Some have painted over the name and wiped the smile off its little red face."

Strangely I have found myself feeling sorry for these little machines innocently caught up in the scandal - but then I've always been known to have a sob at a sucker story.

One set of supporters who couldn't blame their competition exit on a dodgy decision were Liverpool, who crashed out of the Champions League after Fiorentina secured the win they needed against Lyon. And it wasn't long before the knife was being twisted.

Gav McDermott on Twitter observed: "Manchester United have MUTV, Chelsea have CTV. Liverpool have the History Channel", while a United fan set up an end-of-season party website for the Merseysiders 'celebrating Liverpool's earliest ever finish to a season'.

In the Premier League, Hull's mini-revival continued with a win over Everton, while Fulham, in the absence of Sam Allardyce, trounced Blackburn 3-0.

Big Sam is currently in hospital for a minor heart operation and I'm sure you'll join me in wishing him all the best. It's hoped he will be out in a couple of days, although after his comments in Saturday's Daily Express that "I've always had the self-belief and confidence to know I can manage any team in the world" they may decide to keep him in for observation.

Elsewhere Manchester United's youngsters slipped to defeat against Besiktas in the Champions League. The Turkish side's fanatical fans are known as the Carsi, but it was United's unbeaten home record that went down the toilet.
Beckham and Neville in the good old days
Gary Neville was captain for the night and earlier in the week he ripped into the generation of players whose every whim was catered for by agents. "A player doesn't need to pay between five and 15% of his wages to a guy to buy him a new fridge," he reasoned.

Hang on a minute isn't this the same Red Nev who got David Beckham to cook for him in his own kitchen and didn't know where the wooden spoons were kept?

Beckham suffered the agony of another penalty shoot-out in the MLS final, although Her Majesty's Press seemed far more interested in the asthma inhaler he was using in the dug-out. As a fellow-asthma sufferer, I can't see what all the fuss was about, although my other half will tell you he's been leaving her breathless for years.

And finally, a warm welcome back to Premier League management for Avram Grant, following his move downstairs at Portsmouth. Previously likened to Baron Greenback, the Israeli has now been dubbed Yoda by David James. And what better game than Manchester United at home for Pompey fans to witness the Return of the Jedi?

Have a good weekend one and all. I'm off to Hammersmith to see The Specials tonight (Friday) followed by a trip to Loftus Road for the visit of the band's hometown club, Coventry.

Lead singer Terry Hall is actually a massive Man Utd fan and rumour has it the throat infection he suffered in May, forcing the postponement of the date I was due to attend in Brixton, was caused by him screaming too loudly during the Champions League game with Arsenal. Memo to Terry: Please resist the urge to watch a dvd of the 1999 final on the tour bus until after the gig.