Madonna's New Malawi Baby
The Revolutionary Africa Command Stool, RACS, has picked up strange signals of strange movements in Malawi.
The RACS spaceship which was launched in March to monitor, detect, investigate and report on any suspicious movements of people, money and ideas on the African continent below, was orbiting gently towards Southern Africa to observe key elections in Zumaland, when red SOS lights flashed madly across my sophisticated air-sensitive screen.
My agents in Malawi have intercepted images of a white woman with an African gap in her teeth as she dashes from one courtroom to another.
She's described as an honorary Malawian.
Quick RACS image referencing positively ID's her as Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone.
She says her life will never be the same again without adopting a second child from Malawi.
Apparently the nsima (ugali or foofoo) that is now a staple in her US mansion, along with the gentle beats of traditional Chichewa music that serenade little David Banda to sleep each night have given the queen of pop a lifelong bond with Malawi.
Mama Banda is therefore heartbroken that the courts in Malawi have blocked her second adoption of baby Mercy.
As an African outfit by and for Africa, RACS believes in providing African solutions for African problems.
RACS has spotted a Malawian in need of adoption - a perfect match for Mama Banda as his adoption process will be less bureaucratic.
His name is Bakili Muluzi, a former President who's been trying to run again for presidency in the May election.
For purposes of the adoption proceedings we shall simply call him Baby B.
Baby B is a political orphan.
Having served as President for two terms between 1994 - 2004, the only home he knows is State House.
But when he tried to run back home for a third term this year, the Electoral Commission like Mama Banda's unmerciful adoption Court, blocked him saying he'd already served the constitutional limit of two consecutive terms.
Baby B is not looking for favours; he's not looking for a third consecutive term, he simply wants to be home again.
Does the Electoral Commission really know the pain of being homeless?
Baby B voluntarily vacated his own bedroom at state house when voters told him to make room for a new homeless man, President Bingu wa Mutharika.
Baby B could have chosen to throw tantrums and fiercely cling to his toys at state house like Gaddafi, or Baby Bongo of Gabon, or Baby Biya of Cameroon.
Instead he chose to share and quietly shuffled out onto the streets, like a toddler gingerly learning to walk.
Now Baby B has no political parents, and no home.
Mama Banda has no political friends in Malawi to grant her wish, and therefore no child.
The Malawi system has rejected them both - they now need each other.
Mama Banda needs to forget about getting young David a little sister and instead simply adopt Baby B.
I have used my ultra-modern RACS laser beams to weigh Baby B and can confirm that Mama Banda might find it a struggle to place the well nourished Baby B on her lap.
However, as an experienced dancer with the amazing ability to contort her body into twelve distinct shapes - including a crucifix - without losing a beat, I'm confident she'll cope.
Baby B will bring untold joy to the Madonna household.
Because he's been around for a little longer than young David, Baby B will be able to join in in Mama Banda's singing while she prepares the evening meal, gently cooing and humming an excellent bass accompaniment to her Material Girl, Hung Up, Like a Virgin.
David meanwhile will be happily swaying his tiny nappy clad bottom.
East or west, Mama Banda's soup kitchen is best.
However, if you want the home of the real African stories unfiltered by RACS, please run to bbcworldservice.com/africa
