How can I support myself and my child through their school anxiety and avoidance?

At stressful times like this, it’s important to manage your own wellbeing, as well as your child’s. BBC Bitesize Parents’ Toolkit has been getting some advice from Sue Armstrong, clinical service manager at relationship support charity Relate, and Beatrice – not her real name – whose eldest child is autistic and has been off school with EBSA.

What is emotionally-based school avoidance?

Emotionally-based school avoidance (EBSA) is when a child is regularly absent from school, or cannot attend at all, due to anxiety or other emotional or physical distress. EBSA was often previously referred to as ‘school refusal’ but many parents feel that term has negative connotations. For a parent EBSA can mean worrying about your child, juggling work with caring responsibilities whilst your child is at home, and also managing your other relationships and commitments.

Mother helping her daughter button up school uniform at the front door before leaving for school.

6 tips to protect your mental health whilst still supporting your child with EBSA

Tip 1: Talk to those that know

Beatrice's daughter is now 12 years old and she struggled to attend school over a two-year period: “I had to quit my job and I was permanently exhausted and had zero time to myself. Trying and failing day after day, every single morning, to enable my child to attend what should be a normal school day, trying to then work from home with high anxiety and phoning anyone who would listen to ask for help when they didn't know what to say… The only thing that got me through was meeting other parents who were going through the same thing, and finding a sense of humour with them.”

“Talking to other people who 'get it' is really important.”

Sue Armstrong from Relate agrees. She advises that you to talk to trusted friends alongside speaking to other parents “who have been or are going through a similar experience”.

Beatrice says you can find a wealth of information online, and recommends websites like Autistic Girls Network, who have peer support groups in some areas, Not Fine in School, National Autistic Society and ADHD Foundation, who offer family workshops.

Tip 2: Avoid blaming yourself and your child

Sue says it’s also important to try not to feel guilty or that your child’s EBSA is somehow your fault: “There are often several factors in a child’s life that lead to them developing EBSA… Most parents will focus on trying to help their child come through this difficult period and it can feel overwhelming.”

Beatrice adds: “It is not your fault – remember this at all costs. You will get angry and you will need to vent. There are always allies. Reach out to get information, advice and support, to any professionals available, to get any support you can to figure out a personalised approach for your child and family.”

“Please ask for help and do not blame yourself or your child.”

Parents talking with their child’s teacher inside a classroom during a school meeting.

Tip 3: Keep communicating as best you can

Whatever your family set-up, it’s important to communicate about what’s going on as much as possible. Sue says: “In some situations, parents may have different views… which could then cause additional stress, and sometimes disagreement between them.” If this is you, then it’s important to discuss these issues with your partner. If that is proving difficult, then you can reach out to charities like Relate for additional support, or read their guide to better communication.

“With any family situation, making time to talk together is vital.”

If you’re separated or a single parent, Sue advises communicating with your child’s other parent where you can, or asking other family members for practical and emotional support. If your child’s other parent doesn’t live nearby, maybe they can offer support in the form of a daily phone call to your child, or you can temporarily change contact arrangements with your other children, to give you space to focus on your child with EBSA.

Worried teenage daughter hugging her mum on the sofa for comfort at home.

Tip 4: Look forward to positive things

Sue says: “Any issue affecting the wellbeing of one’s children can feel overwhelming at times, so that having good times can get pushed out. Continuing ‘normal’ family events will help all of you. Finding time, when you can, for your own interests, as a couple and individually, is [also] vital so you don’t feel swamped.” Calling on other family members or friends to care for your child so you can have a small amount of time out will help everyone in the long run.

Beatrice adds: “Rest when you can and try not to catastrophise about worst-case scenarios. In most cases it does get better. It might get better because you find a better fit of educational provision. It might get better when your child is able to attend incrementally (for example for three hours a day). I can't tell you how it will get better but I can tell you that you absolutely have to try and find some way to look after yourself in order to relax and keep your strength up.”

These six self-care tips for parents may help.

“Try and plan some fun times together, as a family, and as a couple.”

Tip 5: Keep your child's school in the loop

Sue adds: “Ongoing communication with your child’s school is important for you and your child, so neither of you feel totally cut off.” Some schools will be better at communicating than others, but try and keep those lines of communication open as much as you can.

This Parents’ Toolkit article features more practical tips on how to communicate with your child’s school, and other organisations.

Parents meeting with their child and teacher in the classroom to discuss school progress.

Tip 6: Accept there will be ups and downs

Sue concludes: “You may feel you’re being pulled in every direction, having to keep a job going and support your child when they may be feeling very anxious and confused, that there’s no space left for you.”

“It’s OK not to feel OK.”

Beatrice emphasises: “When you are in that position, you feel like it is hopeless and it will never end… No one really thanks you for what you do, no one really understands that it is more than a full-time job, on top of being a parent, possibly to more than one child, and on top of working your day job.”

But she says to keep going, keep advocating for your child, and keep speaking to those parents and carers who get it: “It’s the mums of other kids with special needs who have picked up the phone when I have been broken, even if they didn't know what to say.”

More support for EBSA

As well as talking to family and friends, you can contact charities like Anna Freud for further help and advice, or Gingerbread if you’re going through this on your own.

Mental health charity Anna Freud also features videos with parents who’ve been through EBSA with their child, as well as other advice and resources.

Mental health charity YoungMinds also has a guide for parents and carers who have a child with school anxiety or EBSA.

BBC Action Line can offer further advice for parents on a number of issues we have touched on here. And this BBC Mental Wellbeing site has more tips and advice.

This BBC News story gives one girl's perspective on being 'overwhelmed by the noises and crowds of school'.

While the BBC's Branwen Jeffreys explores school absences and approaches to them.