How to train your brain to not compare yourself with others

This article was last updated on 30 March 2021

Ever spent an evening scrolling through your various social media feeds and walked away with the feeling that everyone else’s life is far more interesting than yours?

You’re not alone. Julienne Mcgeough, a psychology professor at Liverpool Hope University, says that “it is a normal part of our psyche to compare ourselves to others. It's just what we do.”

And it’s not a new phenomenon either. Psychologist Leon Festinger first wrote about social comparison theory in 1954 and, Julienne explains, argued that “it’s an internal drive that we have; there isn't anything we can do to do to stop [it].”

But it’s not all bad. Julienne says that by looking at the progress of people we admire, or seeing people achieve things we also want in life, we can feel inspired to do the same.

19th-Century psychotherapist Alfred Adler put it this way: “it is only when we feel inferior to others that we go through a period of self-growth”. However, too much of this feeling of inferiority can be detrimental to our mental health. Social media plays a big part, Julienne says, as it can present us with “an unrealistic ideal self.”

We know images can be doctored and airbrushed – with some companies now banning their use in promotional campaigns. But relationships and lifestyle can also be carefully curated to look great, leaving out all the less-than-perfect bits that make us human. So what you’re comparing yourself to, Julienne says, is a whole lot of “fake selves”, while “your actual self is miles away from that.” And that can hurt.

Julienne adds there are also certain times when we’re more susceptible to this kind of comparison, like when we’re young or during transitions, such as when we go into university or a new job.

She stresses it’s not as though people who are in more settled periods of life can’t fall into negative comparison traps, but for younger people going into university (a group she did a study on), it’s far more likely as “at their developmental stage, their drive is to find a group they belong to.” And they actively engage in this quest.

For example, in order to find people who have similar music tastes, a student may wear band tees, put posters up on their accommodation walls, and go to lots of local gigs. If you’re a student and you see this, you may compare your university experience to theirs. If they look like they’re having a better time than you, that can make you feel bad.

Training your brain

So, what can you do to avoid engaging in negative comparisons? Julienne has a few tips.

First, “be aware that social comparison is absolutely normal - accept that is who we are”. You are not the only person that does this, so there will be plenty of people in your life who will be able to relate to you if you open up to them about it.

Next, figure out what your triggers are, and try and avoid them: “If when you come off social media, you are not inspired to go out and run, or not inspired to go and read a book, or not inspired to do something that's going to really build up your sense of self… if you come off and you are thinking ‘I can't ever be like that’, then be aware that that's probably not a helpful place for you to be.”

If some accounts make you feel worse than others, do a bit of a feed clear-out and unfollow those accounts, and find some new ones that make you feel good about yourself to follow and engage with. Julienne says it’s a good idea to find positive groups to belong to that are going to support your goals, rather than individuals to follow that are maybe not giving an authentic presentation of themselves.

Reducing your social media usage could help too. Julienne says that while it may not be a good idea to cut it out altogether, as staying connected to your peers and loved ones is vital, resisting the urge to scroll for hours on end could really help.

Lastly, Julienne says that acknowledging what you’re grateful for can really help you to resist the urge to compare yourself to others. While you may not have the latest designer clothes, or a private jet, or the newest game console, you might have incredible friends, a wonderful supportive family, or some skills and talents that you’re really proud of, and those things are just as good, if not better.

If you need support

You should always tell someone about the things you’re worried about. You can tell a friend, parent, guardian, teacher, or another trusted adult. If you're struggling with your mental health, going to your GP can be a good place to start to find help. Your GP can let you know what support is available to you, suggest different types of treatment and offer regular check-ups to see how you’re doing.

If you’re in need of in-the-moment support you can contact Childline, where you can speak to a counsellor. Their lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

There are more links to helpful organisations on the BBC Bitesize Action Line page for young people.