How my sex addiction led to me chasing HIV

I’ve suffered from addiction of various kinds since the age of 10.

If you’re a drug addict, the consequences on your life escalate very rapidly. With sex, it’s more subtle. You can do it for years without having any external signs.

People say addiction is a disease, but I think it’s a symptom of emotional trauma.

My parents divorced when I was three. I lived with my mum, who I’ve come to realise is a narcissistic and emotionally abusive person.

She had extremely high expectations of my brother and me. We were never good enough. There was always something wrong with whatever we did, no matter how hard we tried.

I became obsessed with sugar, bingeing on cookies. It was a way to numb my emotions, a form of escapism to help me deal with my life.

Around the age of 12, I discovered I was gay. I grew up in a small village in the middle of nowhere and had never felt like I fitted in. My sexuality added to the feeling of being an outsider.

I started masturbating when I was about 11 years old. We got our first computer when I was 14, and I started looking at porn pretty much every day.

My mum would leave for work at 4.30 in the morning. My brother and I would get up just after she had left the house, and my brother would play on the PlayStation and I would look at porn on the computer. Then we would swap.

I was always on time for the school bus at 7am, but every day I would cut it closer than the day before. I was trying to masturbate for as a long as possible. It’s called 'edging'. I would try and edge for hours.

As a kid, I had swimming training twice a week.

I would go, swim a few lengths, and then spend 20 minutes masturbating in a cubicle in the changing room.

At weekends, I would spend all day in my room claiming to be working, but actually I would just be watching porn.

As a kid you’re supposed to have your own private space. But if I tried to hide anything from my mum, it would lead to crazy arguments. I think watching porn like this, right under my mum’s nose, gave me a sense of being in control.

My first sexual experience was giving a blowjob to someone in a forest when I was 18.

I had started to chat to men online - there was no chance of me meeting people in real life. He was 34, and not particularly attractive, but I thought it was a good start.

When I was 21 and at engineering school, I met another guy online. He took me to a sauna for the first time, and it was a revelation.

Suddenly I was in a place where there were all these gay men having sex. It felt wonderfully liberating.

I started going to saunas about three times a month. I was a very strong safe-sex supporter at the time.

But, a year later, a guy I was seeing wanted to have unprotected sex, and I just went along with it. I trusted him, I guess.

A few months later, I spent all night at an orgy in a sauna – and it was all unprotected. Since then, I haven’t done anything protected at all.

I know it seems strange, but novelty is really important in addiction; it drives the dopamine behind a hit. For me, if there’s danger involved, if there’s a risk or anxiety, it’s like a double hit.

It led me to having unprotected sex twice with people who I knew were HIV positive and not on any treatment, which felt like the top drug. It’s called 'chasing'.

I am very much aware of the dangers and I know that having unprotected sex greatly increases the risk of contracting HIV. I’m a nuclear engineer; I’m not stupid.

But, when you start, all that goes out the window. Your brain shuts down.

If I’m stressed or anxious, I hear my mum’s voice inside me telling me that I’m not good enough. That leads to me wanting to harm myself, which leads to me chasing. It is much easier to do that than to face my feelings.

There’s also an attraction of fitting in. The HIV positive community is a community. You think that if you are one of them, then people will actually care about you, and you’ll finally have a group of people you fit in with.

It sounds silly, I know.

'Gifting' is the other side to chasing, where you knowingly pass on HIV to somebody who is 'chasing'. Gifting is illegal.

I’ve never done it because, remarkably, I’m still negative. But I’ve thought about it. It is excruciating to admit that I’ve thought about harming someone else purely because I’m unable to deal with my own feelings.

I realised I needed to get help when I found myself cheating on someone I really cared about. I knew he deserved better.

I was honest about having cheated on him, and he suggested I get help. So I did. I’ve been receiving therapy for the last two years.

Addiction feels like your best friend - it is escape. Since the age of 11, sex has been something I could reach to when I wanted comfort.

Letting go of that is difficult. It’s like needing a crutch to walk and then taking the crutch away. If you don’t fix the legs first, you’re going to fall. I’m trying to fix my legs by learning to deal with my emotions properly.

I now meditate a lot, and do yoga. Last month, I sold my smartphone and cancelled my broadband connection. If you want to stop smoking, you don’t keep cigarettes at home.

It’s scary, though, to finally throw the crutch away and walk alone.

As told to Nick Arnold.

You can find information and support on some of the issues raised here.