'I didn’t leave the house for three months because of my anxiety'

Emily couldn’t walk to the local pub, but now she works there

Emily Rose

I can pinpoint the start of my anxiety to when I was just eight years old.

My uncle died quite tragically and as my parents struggled with their grief I was left to deal with and understand what had happened, by myself. Around the same time I began to be bullied at school. It was a very isolating time for me.

I had my first panic attack aged 10 – and anxiety has been a constant presence in my life ever since.

I’m 22 now. I can’t remember the details of the first panic attack, but I know that I was off school for several weeks. That’s when life as I now know it really began.

When I went to high school, anxiety stopped me passing exams. It impacted everything. If there was something coming up that I wanted to do, such as a day out with friends, I’d lie on the sofa, totally still, for two days so I wouldn’t tire myself out. 

Panic attacks feel different for everyone and mine have changed over the years, but at the time, it felt like I was about to swallow my tongue. I’d bite down on it to make sure I didn’t. I felt like I was going to die and that my body was giving up. After an attack, I’d get so scared of having another that I'd do anything to avoid it. Lying still and calm on the sofa was part of that coping mechanism.

I’d think: ‘If I don’t tire myself in any way, I can stop myself from having another one.’ 

In May 2015, things came to a head when I couldn’t leave the house I lived in with my parents at all, due to my anxiety. I’d developed a severe phobia of vomit, external (emetophobia), which I still have to this day. My anxiety was mainly focused on what would happen if I got sick, as well as avoiding vomiting in any possible way. That fear meant that I didn’t go further than my doorstep for three long, lonely months. 

It was a warm summer and while you might imagine the sunshine would have made me feel better, I actually got more anxious, as I worried that the heat would make me nauseous. I spent the time watching episodes of Friends and learning to knit. That small act kept my mind occupied. 

There was no comfort in food. My vomit phobia meant that I was wary of anything that could potentially cause food poisoning. A lot of the time I tried not to eat at all and when I did it was always ‘safe’ foods such as salads, bread and crackers. Prawns were my absolute nightmare. 

I found it hard to watch anything new on TV, as I would get overwhelmed easily. If I saw people being sick or heard vomiting, I’d freak out. With Friends, I knew what happened in the storyline, so I knew there wouldn’t be any surprises.

I also watched a lot of people on YouTube, living my life through them to a certain extent. I talked to friends on social media and they were very understanding, although the only time I saw them in person was if they came round to my house. 

I also had a boyfriend at the time who was incredibly supportive. We were together for six years and my situation took its toll on our relationship. He would come to see me, but sometimes I would get so anxious that I'd just want him to leave. Often, he'd walk around outside until I felt better. A lot of the time I was in my pyjamas and couldn’t even talk. 

About a month in, my mum and dad had a wedding to go to, and I realised I’d have to be home on my own. Because of my anxiety, I was terrified of being by myself. I was worried that I’d get sick and nobody would be there to help me. But it was important to them to be there and I would have felt really guilty if I'd made them miss it. I knew it was something I’d have to deal with.

Preparing to spend the night alone was like a military procedure. My parents and I wrote down a big plan of what was going to be on TV, what I’d do each hour and what I’d eat. And as I’d watched a couple of vloggers before, I decided that I would try my hand at creating a vlog. 

That evening, I picked up my phone and started explaining everything to the camera. It was really lo-fi and off-the-cuff. I talked about how I was feeling, why I was anxious, what anxiety is actually like and how I’d become isolated because of it. By recording it I felt like I was sharing it with ‘someone’ and that helped me through the hours alone. By the time my parents returned I had about six videos, which, with the help of my (now ex-) boyfriend I edited together into my first vlog. 

During that summer, anything could trigger a panic attack or a bout of severe anxiety – even changes in the weather freaked me out. My perfect day would consist of lying on the sofa, with my parents in the next room and absolutely nothing at all happening around me.

It was scary to be so nervous all the time. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I’d have to be hospitalised when my parents weren’t around any more because I couldn’t cope on my own. Anxiety is so overwhelming. It’s like being nervous x 10 every second of the day.

The first time I decided to venture out it was because I really wanted to see a friend who lived five minutes away. I started by going to the gate and even though I felt overwhelmed, it was important to me to keep going – after three months, I couldn't face any more time inside. When I got to the gate, I took a few steps on to the road, then a few more. It took me a while, but I got there. I didn't stay long, but it was a start.

I began making ‘fear ladders’: I’d write a goal at the top of the page like going into town to go shopping. Then underneath a number of tiny goals, like ‘walk to the bus stop’. Once all that felt comfortable, I’d get on the bus for one stop, and keep doing that until I felt I could do an entire bus journey.

It’s still not easy. I live by myself now. I eased myself into independence by staying in a flat near my parents’ house for a few days at a time. Gradually, I managed to spend time alone without being gripped by fear. 

Now I work one night a week at a local pub, where once I couldn’t even walk to it. I used to think: ‘I’ll never get a job or be able to do anything for myself.' My bosses are very understanding, if I can’t make my shift, they don’t get angry as they know I just can’t leave the house that day.

Vlogging changed things, too. It’s so amazing to know that you’re not the only person going through something such as anxiety.

When it comes to the future, I have more hope now. I’ve been thinking about where I’d like to go if I could travel and what I’d like to do, career-wise, in the long term. I like the idea of working in social media or mental health. But right now, it's just about seeing how I feel when I wake up and what each new day brings.

As told to Jenny Stallard 

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, help and support is available here.