The Manchester bomb attack changed my life

I'm unsure about my future now

Seeing Ariana Grande at Manchester Arena last May was a big deal for my best friend, Lucy, and me. Aged 17, I'd never been to a concert on my ‘own’ before – and it was such a good night.

Until, suddenly, it wasn’t. 

When the concert ended, Lucy and I weren’t sure if Ariana was going to sing another song but everyone had started to leave, so we decided to follow the crowd. We linked arms as we filtered our way towards the foyer doors. My mum was meeting us at the end of the street and as we reached the foyer, I got my phone out to let her know we were on our way.

As I soon I went to call her, the bomb went off.

At first, it felt like a blast of hot air. I thought it was acid so I covered my face. I remember being thrown up into the air, hitting the ground and being pushed to the side. I don’t know if I blacked out but when I opened my eyes, smoke and flames were all around us and I saw people on the floor unconscious. It made me think of a disaster film.

I could hear muffled ringing and it felt like I had water in my ears, but as my hearing came back, I heard shouting. People were running up to other people saying, “Have you seen my mum?” and “Have you seen my daughter?” In that moment, all I could think of was that I needed to tell my mum not to come near the arena. I knew it was a terror attack – it couldn’t have been anything else – and I thought more bombs were going to go off. I was terrified that she would be hit too.

I also needed to find Lucy. We were forced apart the second the bomb went off but I saw her straight away. I didn’t even think to check if I was hurt, and I don’t think Lucy did either. She looked at me, and just said “Amelia”. We grabbed each other and ran straight back into the main arena. 

Lucy had to stop because her leg was badly injured. I put my jacket around her and asked for her phone to call my mum. That’s when I realised my fingers were hanging off. But I couldn’t feel pain – I couldn’t feel anything.

Paramedics came and took Lucy away and another one led me out of the arena. When I got outside, I thought the blood on my jeans was from other people – but it was mine too. My leg had a huge gash, and my foot was swollen. I sat against a brick wall whilst the paramedic bandaged my leg and a girl from the crowd, called Stacey, offered to help and spoke to my mum on the phone to guide her through the crowd.

I didn’t cry when I saw my mum. I think I was just in shock and focused on getting to hospital because we weren’t sure whether I’d lose a finger. I was one of the first to arrive at Manchester General Hospital. They cut my jeans off and that’s when I realised how deep the gash was, and doctors told me I needed surgery. I had also fractured my middle finger and they needed to operate on three other fingers as well. They checked my head and ears because I had a black eye and bad shrapnel wounds on my face. I was transferred to Wigan's Royal Albert Edward Infirmary, which was quieter, so that I could have my surgery straight away.

I stayed in hospital for two days. Doctors wanted to keep me in for three weeks but my stepmum is an occupational nurse, so she was able to look after me at home. When I arrived back, it was quite late at night and I just wanted my mum to wash my hair over the sink for me. I remember lying down on the couch and all my family gazing at me with shocked and tear-stained faces. 

For six weeks after the attack, I was in a wheelchair. Friends came and visited me to see how I was doing. Everyone was asking questions about what happened and it just felt so surreal. I cried when I went to see the memorial flowers at St Ann's Square and pay my respects to the 22 people who didn’t make it out of the arena that night. But I was determined to not let the attack stop me - or make me feel scared of - going out again.

It worried my mum more than me. She was very nervous about me going out on my own again. She still doesn’t let me go on many nights out with my friends. If she does, she’ll message me – and if I don’t answer, she’ll phone my friends. She also has a tracker on my phone so she can see where I am if I don’t answer. Some people might find it a bit much but I don’t really mind. Everyone has different ways of dealing with something like this.

When I came out of hospital, someone from Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services came to see me at home. He saw me weekly until last September, when it was decided I needed specialist trauma therapy. Then, just after Christmas, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, external. I’ve been having CBT/trauma therapy every week since. We talk about how that night has affected me, and it’s really helpful. I don’t have flashbacks but since the bomb, I have had trouble sleeping. Lucy and I know we can also talk to each other about what happened if we need to, but it’s not a conversation that we bring up.

One way the attack has affected me, is to make me unsure about my future. Last year I was studying animal management at college and once I had recovered from my injuries, I went back to college and realised that this experience has changed me. It's made me rethink what I want to do with my career, and what I want out of life. I decided to put it off for a year. I might go back to college next year and do some A Levels, or I might do an apprenticeship in the police.

Now, my leg is totally healed, apart from the scars. But I don’t have full strength in my hands – when I pick up a heavy glass it’s sometimes hard to grip. Lucy is also doing well. She had a cage on her leg but it's off now and she's learning to walk again.

Mum and I are going on holiday for the anniversary of the attacks. We’re heading to LA and San Francisco and it will be our first big girls’ holiday for just the two of us. We have always been close but this has brought us closer together.

That night, 22 May 2017, was horrific, but it’s made me appreciate life more. Little things don’t really matter - I’m on a different path now. I just try to look forward and not think about where I’d be if the bomb hadn’t happened.

As told to Lisa Harvey

Manchester Bomb: The Girls' Story will be available to watch on BBC Three iPlayer from 13 May 2018.