How to spot a toxic friendship

Women who've been there share their stories

It's World Friendship Day and while many pals deserve to be celebrated today, there are some friendships you just know your life would be better without. 

We’ve all come across a toxic friend at some point in our lives - from those who gossip about us behind our backs, to those who only to call to rant about their rocky relationships.

To quote Britney, don’t these people know that they’re toxic? And worse still, why can’t we get them out of our lives?

I sat down with six women who’ve had first-hand experience of malignant mates to hear their stories and get some tips on how to free yourself from the trap of these so-called friends.

Here are five ways to spot if your friendship has turned toxic.

Your mum doesn’t like them

Okay, your mum isn’t always right, but chances are she’s one of the few people who has seen your friend choices up close since primary school – which means she probably knows more than you think.

“If your Mum doesn’t like someone, they are not a good person, full stop,” declares Tilley Richardson, a 22-year-old apprentice chef from Eastbourne. Her best friend Beth Evans nods along in agreement as they discuss a toxic ex-friend.

“Friendship is about building other people up and helping you grow as a person. If they’re not going to do that, then get rid of them.”

The first sign their friend had to go? Both their mums told them they had a bad feeling about her.

The mum test is the best way to figure out if your friend has a dark side that you have never noticed. As Justin Bieber sings about his self-centred ex: “My mama don’t like you – and she likes everyone.”

You let them treat you badly

If your date is rubbish at texting back and keeps cancelling, you probably won’t bother seeing them again. So, why is it that when a friend is disrespectful, you let it go?

Pole dancing instructor Kelechi Okafor had an experience with a friend who would only get in touch when she had relationship issues. “We often accept things from friends that we would never accept from a partner,” she says.

“It’s not okay for friends to take things you own and not return them. It should be that the longer you know someone, the better they behave towards you. But usually it’s the other way - they take you for granted and think you will always be there.”

“We’ve got to value ourselves so that when people who come in the guise of friends end up being abusers, you know when to say: ‘actually no, I don’t want this’”.

They’re resentful of your success

You get a promotion, she goes into a sulk. You meet a nice guy, she finds five things wrong with him. The green-eyed monster is a good sign that your friend doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Illustrator Mariel Richards has recently reconciled with a friend who used to bad-mouth her behind her back. She accepts that jealousy is normal until a person becomes so consumed by it they try to derail your success.

“Sometimes you see someone flourishing and you end up thinking ‘I wish that was happening to me’, but it shouldn’t ever stop you from celebrating them.”

The problem, she says, is if that person tries to “undermine you or stop you from doing wonderful things”. If that happens?

“You’re not friends. They’re just there to have someone who’s worse off. And that’s not a friendship, that’s a measuring stick”.

You feel drained after hanging out with them

If spending time with someone on Friday or Saturday leaves you feeling like it’s Monday morning, alarm bells should ring.

Shiri Shah has just freed herself from a draining former friend. “She’d invite me over, and buy me takeaway, but the only purpose was so that she could unload her shit on to me.

“She’d end up moaning about my friends to me, telling me everything they’ve done wrong and not taking into account what she’s done wrong. While she was talking, I’d catch myself feeling drained. She’d also text me incessantly. If I didn’t respond, it was a problem. She’d text me 20 times in a row and leave missed calls.”

They use you for their social media

Always being tagged on a Saturday, then ghosted for the rest of the week? Then it’s possible she’s using you to boost her following on social media. If Snapchat is more important than actual chat when you’re out, think twice about another meet-up.

Milena Sanchez, a Londoner who podcasts as part of the female-led The Receipts Podcast, external team, had a recent experience with a girl who she believes became friends with her to boost her social media persona.

“She was a social media girl who had thousands of followers and just wanted to have pretty friends [for her pictures]. I spotted it because she wouldn’t call me during the week to see how I was. She’d only call me on the weekends to go out and do stuff that she could post online.”

Recently, Milena has chosen to be more assertive about freeing herself from toxic friendships. “I’ve cut off so many people this year. I’ve been walking around like Edward Scissorhands,” she says.

How to tackle a toxic friend

So, you’ve realised you’ve got a toxic friend. The next step is working out how to eliminate them from your life. Clinical psychologist Linda Blair has some advice that might help.

Here’s her three-step guide.

Step 1: Create distance

“As difficult as it maybe, you need to create distance. If you meet up face-to-face, you will probably get sucked back in and find yourself unable to be completely open with them. Use remote communication to initiate the break-up, be that a text, an email or a letter.”

Step 2: Keep it simple

“If you offer an explanation, you’re inviting an argument. Take responsibility and be definite as opposed to cold. This will make you feel better and raise your self-esteem as you’ll be taking control of your own life.”

Step 3: Cut all communication

“This is the hardest but most important part as you need to keep the break-up clean. If you cut contact with a friend completely, they will initially attempt to contact you for a short period of time before giving up. However, if you give in and respond during this period, the break-up will be longer the next time around.”

So, there you go. No more excuses for letting your toxic friends take you for a ride.

Originally published 4 November 2017.