Why it's time for women to speak-up at weddings
- Published
Meghan Markle’s microphone moment is an example for us all
There’s no denying that the recent royal wedding broke with plenty of traditions - from the sermon by the Most Reverend Michael Curry, to Meghan walking down the aisle (at least part of the way) by herself. But one of the moments that will resonate with many women is when the bride reportedly stood to give her own speech at the reception.
I’m not married, so have never had the opportunity to speak as a bride. However, I have given three ‘best woman’ speeches, and each time the feeling of pride has grown stronger. The knowledge that I was going against the flow of tradition thrilled me.
Speaking at a wedding can be nerve-wracking, but it’s also one of the most powerful things I’ve ever done. As a woman, it feels as if you’re throwing tradition in the air like confetti. You’re giving yourself a voice in an arena where – to this day – women have traditionally remained silent.
So silent, in fact, that many of us think a woman speaking at her own wedding is still not ok. In fact, in a 2016 YouGov survey, external on wedding traditions, just 16% of people said a bride should speak at her wedding.
At her own nuptials, Meghan reportedly gave a speech, external thanking Prince Charles, as well as reading a poem that made the guests "misty-eyed". Is there anything the new Duchess can’t do?
When Angela, 34, married her husband Stephen in May 2018, the couple penned a joint speech. They were motivated by the fact that they’d both lost their mums in recent years. “We didn’t tell everyone what we were going to do,” Angela says. “We wanted to pay tribute to both our mums, and the only way to do that was to speak together, in turn. We wrote it two nights before, talking through what we wanted to say. We still had the father of the bride and best man speeches."
Continues Angela: “Looking up and seeing friends smiling felt really good, and there were also plenty of tears. Your whole day is about putting your own stamp on it, so the speech was part of that. I don’t understand why people think it’s such an unusual thing for a woman to do.”
Well, it’s possibly because the tradition of women staying silent at weddings is closely tied to the idea that women shouldn’t have a voice in public life at all. In her book, Women & Power: A Manifesto, historian Mary Beard traces female silence in public spheres, external all the way back to ancient Rome and Greece, where the very sound of a woman’s voice, when it was raised to speak in public, was seen as subverting social and political stability.
Fine, 2,000 years ago it was thought that women should remain silent. So what, you might well ask. Well, as the newly-named Dame Mary Beard points out, this historical prejudice is one of the reasons why women today suffer worrying levels of harassment, external on social media. Sticking your head above the parapet, and having your say, is still considered a man’s job – not a woman’s.
As well as silencing women, many weddings continue to be shrouded in traditions which put brides in a position of lesser power. Lots of women are still ‘given away’ by their father – which is sweet on the day, but tricky to square-up with the argument that women shouldn’t be treated like possessions.
And according to traditional vows, women are still required to ‘obey’ their husbands. While a woman giving a speech at a wedding might seem like a small, simple act, it is, in fact, a radical step, which goes against thousands of years of oppression.
Which is probably why, despite the fact that in cultures around the world there are many wild and wonderful traditions, external when it comes to wedding ceremonies, for a woman to give a speech is almost unheard of.
Ashitha, 28, got married in March 2017, and says she always planned to give a speech. “I’d never thought of myself as having a 'traditional' wedding anyway," she says. "I’m British-Indian and Hindu, and Nolan is American-Scottish, so I don’t even know what 'traditional' would mean for us. My mum and dad walked me down the aisle together, and both our mums co-conducted our ceremony, which was a mix of Hindu and Scottish traditions.
“It would be weird for me to just sit there smiling, in a room with all of the most important people in my life, without saying anything about how I felt. I didn’t think of it as a gimmick or a statement. My husband and I met when I was travelling in the USA, and I mentioned that my mum had warned me not to talk to strange men while I was abroad, and how glad I was that I’d ignored her.”
The first time I spoke at a wedding I was nervous but also super excited. I’d re-worked my speech perhaps three or four times, tweaking and refining. I’d been excited since I was asked, and the nerves were more about whether I’d say the right thing. Would I do the bride justice? Would I represent her, as a female friend, and would I represent the other friends in our group for whom I felt I spoke?
Carole Spiers is a public speaking coach who helps people write and deliver wedding speeches, and says that she’s seen an increase in women wanting to speak at their weddings. “It’s not just for the sake of it," she says, "it’s because it’s meaningful for her to add her own note of appreciation.”
Wedding planner Helen Hopkins has also seen an increase in women wanting to make speeches. She says: "Meghan is most definitely paving the way for modern brides all across the world. Last year, 30% of my brides gave a speech on their wedding day and I think we will only see an increase in this.”
And why shouldn’t the bride say a few words? Given how much wedding ceremonies have modernised, no-one would bat an eyelid if a mother walked her daughter down the aisle, and same-sex marriage has rapidly become the norm. So why should men be the only ones who get to crack jokes, recount embarrassing moments, and deliver heartfelt sentiments on the big day?
Still, when we’re dealing with such a long-standing tradition, it’s not always a completely straightforward decision. Angela explains: “I was concerned it'd mean Stephen wouldn't feel able to talk about me. In the end, he surprised me at the end of our joint speech with some beautiful words. I know most brides wouldn’t want to miss out on that."
Carole Spiers adds: “I think there’s a lot hanging on it when a woman speaks at a wedding. It happens so rarely that they feel a huge pressure to get it right. That’s not something everyone wants on their wedding day, and definitely puts some brides off.”
Ashitha agrees: “I’m a bit wary of making sweeping statements like, ‘more women should speak at their weddings’, because, while I really wanted to speak at mine, not everyone is that into public speaking. But if a woman stays silent just for tradition’s sake, then I think that’s a bit pointless.”
Looking out on the crowd of faces when you give a speech is simultaneously thrilling and overwhelming. And when I looked out that first time, I felt all those emotions, plus a huge dose of pride in speaking. I felt like I was representing more than just myself and the bride.
I would definitely speak at my own wedding – it’s all hypothetical, as I’m not engaged – but I’ve spent my career writing and speaking out, so why wouldn’t I do the same on my wedding day?
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