Yes! I AM ASIAN!

By: Faiza Iqbal

I dont look Asian. Having green eyes, light brown hair and the whitest of white skin would make you think of any other race but Asian (or Afro-Carribean). I have been called every racxe under the sun, from French, Polish, Russian, Spanish, Turkish, Arab and even Brazilian but not what I really am...BRITISH ASIAN OF PAKISTANI DESCENT. Most Asians would be happy to possess the characteristics that I have and I am very grateful for my genes, however, one slight problem constantly pesters me. I cant identify myself. Who am I? Where do I belong? This is my story.

I was born in Saudi Arabia, lived there for 9 years before moving to Pakistan for three after which I came to settle in the UK at the tender age of 12. My family have always been keen on educating their offspring resulting in me being admitted into the best private schools that money could buy. However, not having any Asian friends made life extremely tough and the isolation caused me alot of emotional upheaval. Additionally, the pupils (being from rich, white upper-middle class backgrounds) were extremely ignorant of my situation often asking questions like 'Why aren't you allowed to drink?' 'I feel sorry for you not being able to have a boyfriend and all'. They would poke and prod me with questions about my Muslim upbringing and were shocked to discover that I too would have an arranged marriage. These harmless questions only amused me but its after the onslaught of 9/11 that things started to get nasty. As soon as I would walk into a room, everyone would go silent and I could hear silent murmurings of 'Muslim fanatics or terrorist lover' behind my back. Since I was the only Muslim, Pakistani, British Asian at this particular school I felt like the loneliest person on the planet even though I was surrounded by students. Soon enough, I started to retreat into my own little world often spending hours in the library to avoid any kind of meetings with my classfellows. The taunts would get worse and the teachers did nothing to avail this. Day after day I would come home with tears running down my cheeks begging my parents to take me out of this school but they said it was only a matter of a few more years and I would never have to look back.

So, I focused on my studies and received three A's for my A-Levels. However, the news about never having to attend that School/College again made me happier than my results did. Now the time came to attend university.

Looking back now, I remember at how ecstatic I was to be going to university. I had chosen Law at King's College. However, within three months I was utterly confused about my identity. At School/College I was constantly surrounded by white, upper middle class girls. At university I was surrounded by British Asians but was never made to feel welcome. Girls would look at me with a kind of disinterest, or apathy and the guys were more interested in getting my mobile phone number than anything else. Asian guys were sleeping around, drinking, doing drugs and Asian girls were doing the same. No one wanted to be in touch with their roots or remain close to their morals. I felt disheartened because for so many years I had been trying to get away from the same social life at College only to find people from my background doing the exact same thing. However, I never judged anyone or treated them differently because of what they did behind closed doors. We are all human at the end of the day and have our drawbacks. I tried to delve into the whole clubbing scene but was sorely disappointed at how many fights would break out, expense involved and most importantly how the men behaved with the women when they had too much alcohol in their bloodstream. I was horrified to see a good friend on a 'trip' violently beating everyone in sight. This was not me or how I had pictured my life to be. I was torn apart.

Additionally, my looks and educational background caused alot of stereotyping by the Asians I knew. One particular girl was vociferous in describing her displeasure at those individuals lucky enough to attend private schools and would often make me a target of her anger even though I had no choice in the matter. Another girl asked me which one of my parents was white. Asian girls (supposedly Muslim) would ask me why I hadnt found a boyfriend yet or who was I attracted to. It sickened me.

I asked a family member what the problem seemed to be and she stated it simply 'People look at you and get jealous. They see all that Allah has given you, beauty, brains, an ability to work hard, a family , private schooling...and they see the green eyed monster so they take it out on you and since your so calm and forgiving they get away with it'.

This might seem like a rather trivial complaint but not being able to identify with a particular group has made me confused about who I really am and where I really come from. Am I Asian? British? can I possibly be accepted as both? I know what I am; British Asian of Pakistani descent. I am very proud of both my countries and know that I have a duty upon my shoulders to uphold the reputation of both. Sure, I have felt lonely and isolated in Britain but this country has given me an education, a job, a home, freedom and idenpendence to think freely and to express myself as and when I feel like it. If I were to move back to Pakistan I know I would be extremely happy but would I be able to live the life I am living now? Most probably not. So, let bygones be bygones, work hard, keep your family close and MOVE ON!!