There were two joint winners in this surprisingly challenging contest. They were not, in fact, the entries with the highest numbers of answers, but they were the highest convincing entries and were beautiful short stories in their own rights. The prize of a porcelain Scotty dog will be shared between the two of them.

First joint winner is Martin Johnson (150 words, 34 answers)

"Take me home!" He's a man alone, naturally beautiful and slim, a gorgeous creature. Female cabbies are not regarded as socially acceptable - a strange choice. No signs or anything, but what if..? After a couple of pints there's still something left. Just watch!

Destination - not a very nice one: a disused bingo hall decimated with a chainsaw, rebuilt on stilts.

He is a bit more classy - an athlete, a novelist, a musician? Sudden kisses. "Don't do it here - go somewhere else!" I feel good. Too fast, too early? God willing it could still happen.

Home resembles a Blackburn skip, scrawl all over it, a seventies swirly carpet, missing a pile of mattresses. We spend three or four days, laughing, smoking and reading porn, eating sandwiches and fruit, scorpion salad, broccoli and strong-scented food in Tupperware boxes. "Get up. Let us go!" He's going to walk it. Cool, OK, bye-bye.

The second joint winner, curses, was that woman Candace who, in a touching homage to LBQ style, wrote her entry in capitals.

A GORGEOUS CREATURE, NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL AND SLIM, PARTICULARLY REFRESHING. HE'S A MAN ALONE, BORED FLACCID. TAKE ME HOME THREE OR FOUR DAYS, EAT DRINK AND MEET, DRINKING AND GAMBLING. I USED TO GO OUT AND DO IT MYSELF. JUST WATCH, DIG IT. THEY ARE FRIGHTENED OF IT. COUPLE OF PINTS, SANDWICHES AND FRUIT, SCORPION SALAD, EVEN THE CHOCOLATE BARS, NO SIGNS OR ANYTHING, AMUSED BUT PROUD. MONA LISA SMILE, HOLD YOUR BREATH. BENDING OVER, FOR EXAMPLE, IT GAVE A BLOODY GOOD BANG, THE SIZE OF THREE BUSES. A HIGH-PITCHED RASPBERRY. PRACTICALLY IMMORTAL. THERE'S STILL SOMETHING LEFT. IT'S NOT JUST A CASE OF ADDING WRINKLES, MORE OF AN INCONVENIENCE THAN A TRAGEDY, I SUPPOSE I MAY HAVE TO CHANGE MY MIND NOW. GOD WILLING IT COULD STILL HAPPEN, A NUMBER OF REASONS WHICH I AM NOT GOING TO GO INTO. AN ECCENTRIC PERFORMANCE. I FEEL GOOD, EVERYTHING IS C'EST BON.

Special mentions go to these competitors:

Bernie Beesley got extra points for at least reading the rules referring to current events. (150 words, 25 answers)

Anonymous phone calls and poison pen letters were ignored by Butler, an elderly gentleman in his mid-eighties. A strange choice, a gentleman 99% of the time, a national institution with something to declare.

I still don't pretend to understand it but I found something extraordinary in the back. There it was in black and white and I suppose I may have to change my mind now.

Apparently everything is c'est bon. They're not insincere, arrogant, untrustworthy, manipulative, remorseless, impatient, erratic, unreliable, dramatic, unethical, bullying - after adding a few touches of his own Tony has something to declare - "It is as it was".

This is deeply refreshing, but he's a man alone. I would have dived in head first, amused but proud, laughing, smoking and reading porn. He takes a pro-active, forward-looking approach while we're bored flaccid. Come on Britain! - you're better educated if not wiser - he's going to walk it!

Andrew Culley for his novella which he entitles "Candace's Secret Diary". (150 words and just 17 answers.) Any similarity to actual people is purely coincidental.

7:00 GET UP. LET US GO!
7:30 SHOWER WITH A BAR OF SOAP AND OIL PAINTS (HAVE SKIN TWICE AS THICK AS NORMAL).
8:00 BREAKFAST - SCORPION SALAD FOR SHARP TONGUE!
9:30 WAIT FOR LBQ. BORED FLACID!
10:30 NO SIGNS OR ANYTHING.
11:15 FINALLY IT ARRIVES! A STRANGE CHOICE?
11:30 TYPE ENTRIES IN FAKE LATIN SO KIP AND BUXTON DON'T COPY.
12:30 THE BBC UPDATE LBQ - SIX FOR WOMEN, FIVE FOR MEN. NONE FROM ME. I GET THE GENTLE SEEPING EFFECT :(
12:45 SEND A FEW MORE ENTRIES. GOD WILLING IT COULD STILL HAPPEN!
13:45 PUBLISHED! I FEEL GOOD!
14:00 SEND A FEW MORE ENTRIES - IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE!
15:30 ENTRIES CLOSED. NO CHRIS FORD? EMAIL HIM SAYING "YOU BIG CRY-BABY!"
16:00 UNWIND BY LAUGHING, SMOKING AND READING PORN. IT'S A REWARD FOR ME BEING ME.
23:00 OFF TO BED WITH HOT WATER BOTTLE, AXLE GREASE, TWEEZERS. NITE!

Booby prize for originality goes to Kieran Boyle for his pathetically small entry. "It's a haiku," he claims. (2 words, three answers.)

Blobs in the picture
A cluster of small circles
Crocuses on Mars.

But thanks to everyone who entered. It was almost fun.

For reference, here was the source list:

1. NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL AND SLIM
2. CROCODILE ROCK
3. 70 THOUSAND MILLION MILLION MILLION
4. WE WON'T MIND A MOUSTACHE OR TWO
5. THREE OR FOUR DAYS
6. BUT WHAT IF
7. MORE INK
8. A HANDSOME PROFIT
9. JUST WATCH
10. THERE'S STILL SOMETHING LEFT
11. LIKE RIDING A HURRICANE
12. AN ECCENTRIC PERFORMANCE
13. THEY ARE FRIGHTENED OF IT
14. HE'S A MAN ALONE
15. LESS AND LESS STEAM IN MY BOILER
16. I USED TO GO OUT AND DO IT MYSELF
17. PARTICULARLY REFRESHING
18. IN BLACK AND WHITE
19. TAKE ME HOME
20. I WOULD HAVE DIVED IN HEADFIRST
21. FUN, NOT A CHORE
22. NOT JUST PEOPLE WHO MANAGE THE PAPERWORK
23. NO SIGNS OR ANYTHING
24. A STRANGE CHOICE
25. NOT REGARDED AS SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE
26. SCRAWL ALL OVER IT
27. SANDWICHES AND FRUIT
28. IT'S NOT JUST A CASE OF ADDING WRINKLES
29. MORE OF AN INCONVENIENCE THAN A TRAGEDY
30. FASCINATING SIDESHOW
31. HOLD YOUR BREATH
32. AMUSED BUT PROUD
33. COUPLE OF PINTS
34. BENDING OVER, FOR EXAMPLE
35. DRINKING AND GAMBLING
36. MR MUSCLE AND A CLOTH
37. IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT
38. IT GAVE A BLOODY GOOD BANG
39. A JAM JAR � 12 Sept 2003
40. UNWANTED EYES AND EARS
41. RUBBERNECKERS AND RIFF-RAFF
42. WALK BACK FROM LONDON
43. THE SIZE OF THREE BUSES
44. DIG IT
45. IF ANYTHING, THE OPPOSITE IS THE CASE
46. WADDLED LIKE A DUCK
47. EAT DRINK AND MEET
48. DON'T DO IT HERE - GO SOMEWHERE ELSE
49. CHICKENS PREFER BEAUTIFUL HUMANS
50. SIDEBURNS, HAIR OR SOCKS
51. I SUPPOSE I MAY HAVE TO CHANGE MY MIND NOW
52. TVs AND SNOOKER TABLES
53. PUT THEM IN A PHONE BOX
54. EVERYTHING IS C'EST BON
55. HENRY VIII SYNDROME
56. TOO FAST TOO EARLY
57. I FEEL GOOD
58. HELLO AND GOODBYE IN THE SAME HANDSHAKE
59. THEY MUST BE DUSTY
60. BUY-IT-YOURSELF
61. MARMALADE REVOLUTION
62. HE WAS GLIDING SO FAST
63. JUST ONE ELASTIC BAND
64. AN EIGHT INCH TWIG
65. EVEN THE CHOCOLATE BARS
66. MISSING A PILE OF MATTRESSES
67. USE THE OTHER ONE AS A LADDER
68. MORE THAN MICKEY OR DONALD
69. A GORGEOUS CREATURE
70. AN ATHLETE, A NOVELIST, A MUSICIAN
71. YOU'RE KIDDING ME
72. A FEW BROKEN WINDOWS
73. LAUGHING, SMOKING AND READING PORN
74. A HIGH-PITCHED RASPBERRY
75. A CLUSTER OF SMALL CIRCLES
76. POLICE ON JET SKIS
77. A BIT MORE CLASSY
78. SCORPION SALAD
79. HAD TO RENT THEM
80. A NATIONAL INSTITUTION
81. A VERY NICE ONE
82. IN TUPPERWARE BOXES
83. TRAILBLAZER
84. PONCE AROUND IN THE OFFICE
85. I CAN'T BELIEVE WE MET MR BEAN!
86. PRACTICALLY IMMORTAL
87. FLUFFED CHIPS OR STABBED PUTTS
88. A WILD CREATURE NO BIGGER THAN A GROUSE
89. FRIENDSHIP HARVESTERS
90. IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE
91. BOOMERANG FACTOR
92. ART OF KILOGRAMS
93. I STILL DON'T REALLY PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND IT
94. CONCERTINAED FRONT AND BACK
95. SMUGGLED OUT IN A HANKIE
96. I'VE SAID NO, NO, NO, NO
97. A GENTLEMAN 99% OF THE TIME
98. A PRO-ACTIVE FORWARD-LOOKING APPROACH
99. SPROUT CAPITAL
100. BY SIZE AND NOT BY WEIGHT
101. A LOT OF LEADS
102. OPERATION FORREST GUMP
103. IT'S ALL ABOUT PARKY
104. AN OVERSIZED WOK
105. A VICTORIAN PENNY
106. BORED FLACCID
107. BEFORE THE MOVIE FINISHED
108. SIX FOR WOMEN, FIVE FOR MEN
109. WORKING OUT THE COST
110. INSINCERE, ARROGANT, UNTRUSTWORTHY, MANIPULATIVE, REMORSELESS, IMPATIENT, ERRATIC, UNRELIABLE, DRAMATIC, UNETHICAL, BULLYING
111. ONE OF THE WORST WAYS TO FIND A JOB
112. GOD WILLING IT COULD STILL HAPPEN
113. A NUMBER OF REASONS WHICH I AM NOT GOING TO GO INTO
114. WEARING ONLY SHOES AND HATS
115. THE GENTLE SEEPING EFFECT
116. CAFES, BARS, RESTAURANTS AND HOUSES
117. A PAIR OF SMALL BOOTS
118. MONA LISA SMILE
119. AN INTEGRATED SONG-AND-DANCE COMMUNICATION
120. HOT WATER BOTTLE, AXLE GREASE, TWEEZERS
121. ANONYMOUS PHONE CALLS AND POISON PEN LETTERS
122. ALWAYS A BIT NERVOUS ABOUT THE LOFT
123. TWEAKING THE DRAB BROWN SCENERY
124. A BLEEP-EMITTING PINGER
125. REBUILT ON STILTS
126. WARDROBE MALFUNCTION
127. A SEVENTIES SWIRLY CARPET
128. ODYSSEY OF A COCKROACH
129. ONE PERSON AND ONE COMMUNITY
130. 91 WAYS
131. FAMILIES ARE CHANGING
132. IT IS AS IT WAS
133. HALF THE FISH
134. SMART GENES AND DUMB LUCK
135. 21 SEATS
136. BIG ENOUGH FOR A TUBE TRAIN
137. BEASTLY FURY AND EXTREME VIOLENCE
138. BLOBS IN THE PICTURE
139. FAKE LATIN
140. CLIMBING A CLIFF WITH A SLIPPERY ROPE
141. YOU BIG CRY-BABY
142. A LIVE FOOTSTOOL
143. ABSOLUTELY GUTTED BUT ALSO REALLY CHUFFED
144. INCREDIBLE MUTUAL RESPECT
145. LIKE A HAIR IN OUR SOUP
146. A HUNDRED FURRY RODENTS
147. HOME - WHERE IT RAINS
148. LOCKING TOGETHER, LIKE A JIGSAW
149. FOUND SOMETHING EXTRAORDINARY IN THE BACK
150. COFFEE TIGHTS
151. THE ARMY AND LAWN BOWLS
152. CHEAPER THAN YOUR AVERAGE NIGHT OUT
153. BROCCOLI AND STRONG-SCENTED FOOD
154. SPOTTING BUMBLE BEES
155. A BLACKBURN SKIP
156. 17 TICKETS
157. CHANGED FROM ORANGE TO BLUE
158. DIG THE SPOTLESSLY CLEAN HIGHWAYS
159. A COUPLE OF DENTS
160. IT GIVES IT THAT IDEA OF GLAMOUR
161. A REWARD FOR ME BEING ME
162. DEBT FOR TRANSFER
163. NO REAL HOT SPELLS
164. ALTERNATIVES TO SLEEP
165. A TORCH FOR A MILLION YEARS
166. A MONOPOLY ON GLASS BOXES
167. DECIMATED WITH A CHAINSAW
168. CREATE CURVES OUT OF NOTHING
169. 20% PROJECT
170. 30 MILES OF SHELVES
171. TEARING THEIR FAKE HAIR OUT
172. ALAN OF THE EAST
173. HE'S GOING TO WALK IT
174. THE RIGHT NOSTRIL IS LESS EVIDENT
175. CROCUSES ON MARS
176. HOW CAN THAT BE OVER-ZEALOUS
177. A FEW TOUCHES OF HIS OWN
178. 007 WOULD BE THE LOGICAL WAY TO GO
179. SHAPED LIKE AN ICE-CREAM CONE
180. A BAN ON BRATWURST
181. PARALYTIC PARROTS
182. BETTER EDUCATED, IF NOT WISER
183. AN UNINTENTIONALLY LUDDITE FANTASY
184. SOMETHING TO DECLARE
185. NOT FULL-GROWN EXACT REPLICAS
186. A DOZEN STARBUCKS CUPS
187. AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN IN HIS MID-EIGHTIES
188. HUGE BODIES OF WATER
189. 1974, 1984, 1994 and 2004
190. MOSS AND MOULD
191. WATERY EYES AND LONG LASHES
192. NOT VERY ATHLETIC
193. HOUSEWIVES' MAFIA
194. NET LIMITATION ORDER
195. LINES FROM THE DAY BEFORE
196. COOL, OK, BYE-BYE
197. VIRTUOSO OF FICTIONS
198. GET UP. LET US GO!
199. SNAP SNAP SNAP
200. BRITAIN'S MOST SUCCESSFUL METAPHOR
201. MINIMUM PERCEPTIVE CHANGE
202. IT'S EVOLVED TO A DIFFERENT LEVEL
203. UNIFORMLY CLEANER
204. FINGER DIPLOMACY
205. THE THOUGHTS OF MR BUMBLE
206. AN EDIBLE TOY
207. SHELL SUITS, LEGGINGS, STILETTOS
208. FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF BEAUTY
209. DISUSED BINGO HALL
210. THOUGHT TO BE BELGIAN
211. AN EXCUSE TO START TALKING
212. STREET CRED BEFORE SEVEN
213. REMOVE YOUR WIGS
214. OVERTAKE HIP REPLACEMENTS
215. PANDA, BLUE DINOSAUR, TIGER, CAMEL, WEREWOLF
216. A MOOSE SINGING EMBRACEABLE YOU IN SPATS
217. BRUSHES THE IRRATIONAL
218. WAR, INVASION, REVOLUTION, HANG-GLIDING
219. BEWARE INVISIBLE COWS
220. DEEPLY AMBIGUOUS AND DELIBERATELY SO
221. A FOLDABLE SHOE
222. GIANTS, MERMAIDS AND EVEN THE DEVIL
223. SHE'S GOING BOYS!
224. MY SMALL FAMILY AND MY BIG FAMILY
225. CUSTARD SOCKS
226. 100 SPRAINED ANKLES
227. BLENDER BUDDIES
228. SKIN TWICE AS THICK AS NORMAL
229. TAXI MAN AND ASTEROID MAN
230. MORE WEATHERFIELD THAN HOLLYWOOD
231. A BAR OF SOAP AND OIL PAINTS
232. DIRT UNIT
233. HIGH-SPEED TABLE TENNIS
234. BIG COMPANY ILLS
235. GROW YOUR HAIR LONG AND WAVE A BIG HAMMER
236. DOWN 88
237. TOO BIG AND TOO BOLD
238. BUY THE NEXT ROUND
239. GROUP THINK
240. HIPSTER INVASION
241. ONLY AS NOVELTIES
242. WHEN THEY WORK, THEY'RE BRILLIANT
243. FRIENDLY BUT POWERFUL