This week, celeb smooching, Keegan's clangers, adopt-a-hippo, and our regular pun-writing competition. But first...

Q: What's the greatest royal scandal EVER?

A: Where to start, what with the "Edward and Mrs Simpson" abdication papers finally released this week? The car salesman called Trundle who cuckolded the Prince? The rumoured China dossier? Ooo-er!

Meanwhile, football boss Kevin Keegan has sparked fury 'cross for Mersey for branding Liverpudlians car thieves.

But Keegan clangers are nothing new, as this selection from the Sun's archives amply demonstrate:

• "The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes, if they're not careful."
• "There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight."
• "The under-17s are doing very well. You get a bunch of players like you do bananas, though that is a bad comparison."

PT, for one, finds it reassuring that Kev himself realises he has foot-in-mouth.

Oh, get a room

And here is the celeb smooch forecast, issued at 1300 GMT today, Friday, 31 January.

Zoe 'n' Norm; frost continuing. Hugh 'n' Sandy; good to moderate, cooling now joint film has opened. Britney 'n' Fred; that's, like, so overrrr. Britney 'n' Justin; birthday peck pending. Britney 'n' Colin; humid, overshadowing the Colin 'n' Dannii heat wave of last week. Pseudo-lesbo pop moppets Tatu; not each other in real life, daddy-o. And that is the end of the celebrity smooch forecast.

No room

No room this week to bring you news of the couple who adopted an abandoned baby hippo which now dwarfs them at a whopping 375 kg. (Need we remind you that animals, bless 'em, can never be trusted?)

And there's no space whatsoever to tell you how Michael Barrymore's latest bid for fame involves getting a haircut (which seems to have worked coz it's in the tabloids).

Neither is there room to tell you about the zoo that told a granny to put her hand into the mouth of a lioness. See note above to piece together what happened next.

But there's always room for Punorama, the punning contest for amateurs who admire the headline writers' art.

Last week we invited you to pun away for the story about how ageing Lothario Mick Jagger has warned his teenage daughter Elizabeth off dating a 44-year-old actor.

Scroll down for Planet Lifestyle's advice for Sven

Melbourne Mark hit the high notes with "Rolling Stone gathered to be cross", while K Doddy chimed in with "Hey you, get off my kind".

Darren Maher came in with the chorus "Papa was a moaning stone" and Shannon Lindsay upped the tempo with "You can't get no old-age action".

Now that's over, please turn your attention to next week's offerings. Your puns, please, for the story of the pilot hauled off a jet because he was suspected of drinking... who was found to merely have bad breath.

Your pun



Your name

And so on to Planet Lifestyle, a world in which the broadsheets' style gurus reign supreme.

You may well have caught up with the news that white socks are all the rage in South Wales. Yes, you heard it right. White. Socks.

But this fashion no-no from a bygone age is indeed cool. Charlie Porter, a Guardian fashion writer, says trailer park chic is where it's at.

"Two of America's biggest pop-culture figures of the moment are very white socks: Justin Timberlake is usually styled in an amateur porn star way, while Eminem looks like he must be wearing them under his trackpants in 8 Mile."

Mr Porter himself, like most men, doesn't really care about socks, whatever the colour.

"I'm fairly sure I bought the pair I'm wearing eight years ago at college: the colour is more grey than black and the heels are barely holding together."

Very trailer park.